Preview reviews of movies I’ll never see vol. 2

Since last time was so much fun (I think), let’s try this again. This is me reviewing movies I’ll most likely never watch (never say never though, I’ve got cable and lots of free time) based entirely on the 2 minute long previews. Summer is here so it’s blockbuster season. This week includes a bunch of movies that look like other movies that all made tons of money in the past. I suppose that’s kinda how this all works though. Ahh…art.

lone ranger

I think I speak for everyone when i say “what the fuck is an Armie Hammer?”. From the looks of it, he’s a little Val kilmer , a little Josh Brolin and a whole lotta HUNK. But seriously, that fucking name. At least go by Armond or Armold. Armie sounds like a baby name that stuck. Whenever a guy with a name like this pops out of seemingly nowhere to bag a huge roll is a summer blockbuster, I gotta think this hollywood magic at work. Like they shined the light upon him and said “Yes my son, it is your time…I hope you like acting in rom-com’s about espionage , cause that’s your future”.
Oh yeah, I’m reviewing a movie trailer , I forgot.
Well, this looks like a huge pile of dog shit. Granted, it will be a very shiny and manicured pile of dog shit, but dog shit nonetheless. Johnny Depp continues to not age. I gotta say, I’m somewhat proud of our thin skinned country not being up in arms with Depp’s portrayal of a Native American. I mean he even speaks in that “How! Me likum a lot!” kinda twang. The first time I saw the preview for this I was expecting all sorts of “outrage” from native american groups but, so far, nothing…perhaps they’re all just waiting for the movie to come out before they start picketing Who knows? Hey, did you know that “Tonto” means “Dummy” in spanish? cause it does. Someone told me that the other day and I was shocked it didn’t translate to “White face painted carrier of wisdom”.


Man, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been car jacked by a pretty, 85 pound latina teenaged girl. It’s actually the plot of this porn I’m working on.
Movies are an escape. For this reason, they often bend the realms of reality. So, perhaps, the concept of Selena Gomez robbing anything might actually work for you. i mean, Iron man 3 is the 5th most money earning movie of all time (worldwide) so, surely , a tiny girl who looks like she just had her Quinceanera is a plausible felon.
The funny thing is that’s the first part of the whole movie that we’re just sort of supposed to accept in order to get from point A to point B. BEyond that debacle, it would appear we have a movie that was made when three wealthy men on coke sat in a board meeting and said “What would happen if we mixed “Taken” with “Speed” but added a touch of the old charlie sheen vehicle “The chase”? ”
I’m sure from there, calls were made, boners were formed and bottles were popped. This is one of those “I don’t have to see it cause I know what’s gonna happen” type movies. You think he’s NOT gonna get his wife back? You think Selena Gomez and him are NOT going to form a bond which eventually leads to her doing something heroic? You think Jon Voight is not gonna act with a terrible and unidentifiable accent of no clear origin? Come on…you’re better than that.


Shamefully, I actually don’t hate Ryan Reynolds. I think he’s pretty funny at times. I just don’t know how I feel about him playing roles outside the “snarky dickhead” spectrum. also love Jeff Bridges. This movie seems right in his wheelhouse, so that’s something.
But, unfortunately, this is just kinda like Men in Black but with the living dead. Or, shit, maybe that’s right up your alley? Who knows. I will say this…it looks watchable. I’m sure this will come on cable in a years time and I will catch parts of it over the course of a month until I have actually seen the whole thing, albeit out of order and spread over weeks of time. But, even after that, I’m sure I can tell you what I’ll think of it without even seeing it yet. In one word: Meh.

The Hot Flashes

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been waiting on the edge of your seat for this years menopausal sports flick to drop. Well, wait no more. It’s here! finally a movie you can take both your mom and your buddies from the basketball courts to.
Making a movie about older women going through something that every woman goes through seems like a bright idea until you remember that the average film goer is a 17 year old boy who has no idea that Brooke Shields (or Virginia Madsen for that matter) was ever even a sex symbol, let alone an actress people had heard of. But, that said, I do respect Hollywood for letting a movie like this through once in a while. It’s like throwing the old folks a bone. Shit, Have you seen “Grumpier old men”? It’s awesome. “Cacoon” was a huge hit. And those guys were basically on their death bed. So, maybe this one has a chance. I have no clue what audience it’s gonna pull but there’s a slight chance a group of people have been sitting by, waiting for someone to drop a “”Hoosiers” meets midlife crisis comedy.
Pretty sure my mom is skipping this one.

Oh and since we’re on the topic of movie reviews, check out these hilarious horror film reviews by my boy Damian Paris. For those who don’t know, he’s the guy who plays all the guitar and bass parts on all my instrumental albums. I’ve actually known him since high school and he’s pretty much the ideal movie critic. Beyond being an extremely talented musician, he’s also a film buff and film maker. But, really, these reviews are more an insight into the man himself…and he is a crazy person.

7 thoughts on “Preview reviews of movies I’ll never see vol. 2

  1. Am I the only one who sees the horrifying resemblance between Depp in this movie and in the Pirates’ films? What moron thought the cracked face-paint would be enough to have us think this wasn’t another Cptn Sparrow show?

  2. I read some article a while back about Hunter S. Thompson, and the movie Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas. Supposedly Johnny Depp went to Hunter S. Thompson in person to get his blessing before taking the role, and then slept in dude’s basement for like 3 months just so he could follow him around all day to learn his mannerisms. It’s not like Depp could get the blessing of the entire Comanche Nation, but I am sure he went out of his way to meet a lot of people and make sure he knew what would and wouldn’t be offensive. He’s still wearing White Face, though… so hopefully someone goes on an idiotic rant eventually.

    “What the fuck is an Armie Hammer?”… I said those exact words the first time I saw that preview. It’s kind of annoying when someone has a noun or verb for one part of their name… but a Noun/Noun name is just next-level douchebaggery… Especially when it is completely optional how you introduce yourself. Some publicist probably told him “people will remember it”, but that is a real asshole move to have the nerve to actually say “Armie Hammer” out loud in a preview before my movie starts. That shit is like nails on a chalk board and seriously makes my blood boil each time I hear it. It’s the same feeling I get when I read some science fiction or Game Of Thrones type shit where the author combines a couple real English words that don’t make sense together, then they use it as a name for a place or piece of shit fictional animal. Be more creative or go the fuck home.

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