Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 28


Back again with that sage advice you all desire, with half the calories and logic.
I’m not a professional but I am honest and I do enjoy hearing about other peoples problems. So, if you have a problem of the heart that you need some advice on, I’m your guy. I won’t fix you, but I’ll at least give you some perspective from a person who doesn’t know you or really care about you.
If this type of thing interests you, send me your questions. Email me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave the question in the comment section below. Both ways work wonderfully.
This weeks batch has a few abstract/basic questions. But it wouldn’t be an “ask Dr. Tony” without at least one meandering novella. I guess you could say, this week HAS IT ALL!

Block,

I could really use some help with my love life. I’m 18 and I’m about to enlist in the Army. I broke up with a girl that was 16 about five months ago (I’m still a virgin). This girl and I don’t have very much in common; I like your music, alt rock, classic hip hop, she likes One Direction and Daddy Yankee. She reads People magazine, I read Ernest Hemingway and Nietzsche. Only thing is, she still likes me in “that way” (DTF), she’s probably a good 8.5/10, and I’m a pretty shy guy.

My question is this: should I keep writing to this girl, wait two years, be good to go on leave and run the risk of being a manipulative bastard and enormous regret? Or should I just call it off once and for all and run the risk of being a virgin until I go to college at 22/losing my V-card in a seedy Korean strip club?

I kinda get the feeling , no matter what you do, this one is out of your hands. You’re going away for two years. She’s a hot young girl who probably twerks on youtube to Daddy Yankee. I’m pretty sure she’s not gonna wait around for you. I’d maybe see a point if you had a connection or even liked her (which it doesn’t sound like you do) but, even then, you’re far too young to be holding on to something this frail.
You virginity will eventually be no more and , though I understand the desire to want to get that out of the way, putting all your eggs in her basket is just setting yourself up for a disaster. You might come back from duty to see her pregnant for all you know. And you are not the father, bro,
That said, there’s nothing wrong with staying in touch. You never know. It could pan out and you might one day, in fact, hit it. But do not put an iota of emotional worth into it. Just keep reminding yourself that while you’re out there serving the country, she’s very likely blowing some dude who bar tends at a TGIFridays or works at an auto parts dealership.

Why do so many people seem to reserve the most unfeigned positions of their hearts for people who truly despise them?

Is this a Taylor swift lyric? Perhaps something Jared Leto once wrote? Whatever the case, abstract question, dude.
People just want to be accepted. As much as we all say “I don’t give a fuck”, sadly, most of us do. Deeply. So, when you meet someone that you can tell isn’t giving you the respect you deserve and/or are giving to them, one of two things happens.
1)You immediately hate that person and want to fight them/never talk to them again.
2)You cannot understand why this person doesn’t love you, cause you’re so fucking lovable, and you go our of your way to try and make this person like you. Even though, this person could not care less.

In terms of applying this romance , the desire to be loved it strong. It’s the same reason a girl will sleep with some creep she met at a bar and “had a connection with” then make up all these false realities in her head about them, only to be devastated when he never calls her and/or forgets her name. Some people are just more willing to throw their heart into the ring. unfortunately for those people, they have a knack for finding people who are unavailable and have no interest in stepping into the ring in the first place.
Clearly, this question comes from a place of heartbreak (and possibly a girls journal with a tiny lock on it cause her brother keeps trying to read it to his friends). So, to this person, I say just hold your head. Whatever that guy/girl did to you is par for the course of life. There will be more of this as life goes on but it does get easier every time. Heartbreaks and 808’s, amirite? KANYE knows what’s up.

I just slept with my ex today. I’m not sure how to feel about it. One part guilt, one part kinda wondering about us together, and one part wanting to tell her to fuck off next time. I’m not one to sleep with a lot of girls. Honestly, I only ever do in a relationship. We had a pretty bad break up. She’s a good bit younger than me and in college. I’m out on my own, have a job, and I’m actually looking at going BACK to college. She grew up in one of those tiny small towns where people live next to their parents until the parents die. Then they move into their house. Doesn’t help that apparently she’s got a reputation of being really immature for her age too…did I mention my mother taught her in high school?

Anyway, she liked to do things like blow up a small fight into something big. She would actually pretend to not be able to hear me and just close her eyes in the middle if she decided she was fed up. Hell, she even flat out punched me a few times which she, amazingly, thought was fine. Actually, she once told me that all of the blow ups were fine. Lot’s of really juvenile crap like that. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly had my screw ups during the relationship and it doesn’t help that I went through what might be the worst bout of depression in my life. It’s definitely not all on her. The last time she hit me, I hit a cinderblock wall and left big crack in it. I also had to have surgery on my hand. Obviously, I’ve done some stupid shit and no one is ever always right in a relationship. I’ve learned a lot from my mistakes and have owned up to them though. I actually feel a lot better about life in general since then.

Then we started talking about a week and a half ago. I’ve been straight with her that I don’t want to be in a relationship but, yeah, I definitely miss some things about the relationship and have some unresolved feelings about the whole thing. She says it’s all physical, then I get used as an emotional tampon or she calls me multiple times a day just to talk. Plus she throws herself at me. It’s like a bizarro version of the friend zone. My guess is she’s not really sure how to handle her own feelings. I believe she doesn’t want a relationship…mostly because she’s got some really big hangups about the past. I do too. That’s where the guilt comes in. I am older, and frankly I was fine without talking to her. I almost feel like I’m just doing more damage to her by continuing to respond and then sleeping with her today. The wondering about the relationship comes in because, if things have changed on her side as well, it could be a pretty awesome thing. We always clicked. The wanting to tell her to fuck off comes from the fact that she’s already gotten pissy about two things. One of which was minor and the other had absolutely nothing to do with me. She did apologize for being a jerk. Plus, it seems like she can’t just be straight with about what’s up and still has trouble seeing some of the jacked up stuff she did. Part of me says that I should keep this on the side to see how it turns out. Then another says I’m just being a dick to her and I don’t need that crap in my life to begin with.

I’m a guy that genuinely likes long term relationships. Ideally I’ll find some girl that I’ll end up spending the rest of my life with. I don’t want to screw with someone and just make stuff worse for them either. You’re my only hope Dr. Tony! I’m also the only guy she’s ever slept with…or had a long relationship with…

First off “The last time she hit me, I hit a cinderblock wall and left big crack in it.”
Bro, you the incredible hulk? You cracked a cinder block? Jesus fucking christ.

This is an easy one that I think you knew the answer to before you even finished writing the question, So, if you need my validation, I can do that.
RUN. GET AWAY FROM HER.
Not cause she’s a crazy person. Not cause you’re in danger. Do it cause she is not the girl for you.
“We always clicked.”
The only thing that sound like it clicked was your lego like penis into her vagina.
You relationship and her sound like a nightmare. Sure, the sex now is nice but, as you said, you’re not really bout that casual sex life. I think, because of this, it will be easy for you to get caught up in it and eventually end up back with her. Granted, this would last a week and eventually shit the bed terribly because you two have no business being together.
“I don’t need that crap in my life to begin with.”
If this is a thought that goes through your head and you are a “one day i will meet the girl of my dreams and settle down” kinda dude, then that’s all you need to know.
But, beyond all the flares you sent up that your head isn’t in this, I tend to think that couples who are based in explosive fights are doomed from the get go. When it all is said and done, if you’re gonna be with someone , getting along with them like a civil adult is your priority. Some people feed off drama and , while it may fuel some awesome and hateful fuck sessions, that shit can only last but so long. Think of it this way: You’ve been with her. You know how that goes. No amount of maturing is gonna change her THAT much. Maybe a lobotomy but I’m assuming that’s off the table.
So, cut your losses and bow out as gracefully as you can. she will be sad and mad but it’s for the betterment of the entire rest of your life.

Dear blockhead,

My mother in law hates me and she is a doo doo head

I need advice on how not to blow up at her

I think the golden rule of dealing with in-laws is just that…deal with it. Perhaps it’s because I’m a fairly emotionless person but I don’t find it difficult to totally disconnect from these kind of issues.
You’re only job is to treat their daughter right and be polite. If that’s not enough for them, fuck’em. Still, you gotta be polite though. Just let whatever bullshit they throw your way roll off you cause, in reality, who cares what these people think? They aren’t your parents. Look at them as two (assuming they’re both alive) people you have to deal with a few times a year. Smile, nod, make small talk, tell them what they want to hear and that’s it. They throw shade at you, just take it. Cause, like I said, WHO CARES WHAT THEY THINK. Sometimes you gotta eat a little shit just to keep things civil. Let your wife worry about all that shit. It’s her crappy family, not yours.

Yay or Nay? This Yeezus album

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I’m only doing this cause of multiple requests I’ve gotten to do so. Clearly, people wanna see me go on a tirade about what a piece of shit Kanye is, yadda yadda yadda…well…That’s not gonna happen. But, I’m also not pitchfork.com so I won’t be doing any sword swallowing either. I could sum up a review of this album in a paragraph but a song by song breakdown seems more fitting. Before I even get into it, I wanna say that people, on both sides of this argument, are absurd. The extreme love and hate this album has gotten is concerning cause it’s as if no one is capable of simply thinking something is “okay” anymore. I understand this album is highly divisive and the internet (or music journalism) is highly reactionary but…jesus christ. People need to get it together. if you’re either getting angry at this album or masturbating to it, you’re a fucking ridiculous person.
On the pro side, it’s an out there pop rap record by one of the worlds hugest stars that isn’t pop at all. It barely has drums on it. On the con side, a large portion of it isn’t exactly enjoyable to listen to. unless you’re a goth who likes to go to ibiza, in which case this album will be a life changing experience.
But, before I get into my thoughts, I wanna know what you think?
Ye or Nay (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!?!?!?!).

Now that you’ve voted, here’s my take on it…
Keep in mind, I’m not a music critic. Just a guy who listened to this album a few times. An album, I might add, that I sure as hell could never make if I tried. So, please read this from the perspective of a fan and not a fellow artist. What I’m trying to say is there are no “I’m an artist too!” sour grapes going on over here. Just a guy listening to an album by another guy. I should also add that i actually kinda like Kanye as a rapper. People give him shit but he’s pretty entertaining to me.
Also, there’s a good chance a lot of these youtube clips will be nixed soon or already are so my apologies for that if it happens. Luckily, google exists and , if you really need to listen along, it’s not impossible.

On sight:

On the albums opener, Kanye sets the stage with was can best be described at a “Valiant attempt at something”. I’m not really a guy who gets too deeply involved with caring about obscure sub-genres and the songs that reference them so this just sounds like some electro shit to me. I’m sure sure whoever made the beat (It wasn’t Kanye, it was Daft Punk and like 7 other people) could site all sorts of inspirations for this track but , to me, it’s a just sort of grating. It’s also where we see the formula for this album begin. That Formula being Kanye rapping like Kanye (Which , like I said, I actually enjoy) over beats that are not typical to hip hop. Stuff like this will both give you a 9.5 on Pitchfork as well make many fans of your older work hit the “skip” button.

Black Skinhead:

Major props to Kanye to being the first rapper to really Utilize the drums from Gary Glitter’s “Rock and roll anthem part 2”. Lord knows that child molester needed some shine.

This song is one that is simply not for me but I get it. I have no interest in listening to this shit ever again but it serves it’s purpose. It’s one of the more “out there” songs while also being the most commercial joint on the album. That’s actually quite a feat if you think about it. It’s the one most critics will point to when they justify how much they suck off this album. To me, it’s like if Outkast’s “Hey ya” was made by someone is a really shitty mood.

I am god:

I gotta say. He does sound hungry on some of these tracks. He’s always been an emotional rapper who kinda got over more on his attitude than his content. This is no different. Sure, calling a song “I am a god” is baiting people and trolling but, outside of the title, he’s not exactly saying anything he hasn’t said before on each of his albums prior to this.
Also, of all the ibiza goth themes on this album, this track was a drum track away from being the game changer…of ibiza goth theme songs.

New slaves:

I like this joint. Maybe cause it’s first song on the album doesn’t sound like it’s trying too hard to be cutting edge. Again, Kanye has been talking about this same topic since his first album. That said, he’s kinda good at it.
I’m curious if Kanye is riding the “No drums” wave that has been popular in some hip hop corners for a while now. Whatever the case, I gotta hand it to him for making so many songs that could have a chance to ever get run on the radio or MTV. It’s bold. However, I’m not a person that equates boldness and genius. That’s a whole other discussion.

Hold my Liquor:

I feel like “New slaves” is where this album takes a turn. He stock piled all the “heady” weird songs up front. . Then he stacked the middle with his emotional joints. I fuck with this song. Definitely my favorite beat on the whole album. I even like the auto tunes Chief Keef part. That surprised even me.

I’m in it:

I think I’ve reached the point where i no longer need to hear sex themes from rappers not named “Necro” ever again. I get it…you eat ass. Good for you, bro. You also fucked the worlds most vapid cunt and put a baby in her so, clearly, you’re kind of a moron.
These kinda songs just always just seem like thinly veiled self promotion for how much you put it down in bedroom. Hearing Kanye say “Wet mouth” makes me kinda want to vomit but then he cracks me up where he says “Put my fist in her like civil rights sign”. Still…Fuck this song. I’m not even mad at it…I’m just more rolling my eyes at it.

Blood on the Leaves:

Oh cool! It’s like Kanye doing a duet with Nina Simone! The streets have been waiting!
Here’s a concept: You’re Kanye. It’s 2013. You’re regarded as one of the most forward thinking producers/musicians in modern pop music. how bout you fall back on the auto-tune? If you can’t hit the notes, get someone who can to sing it. You know Frank Ocean. Get him to sing that shit. It’s not like people would question your artistic integrity. You can still drop your verse at the end so it’s technically your song. Just saying.
This song has a dope beat though. No question about it. But it’s yet another case of the heavy and somber feel of a song not matching the depth of the lyrics. This has the makings of something far weightier than him rapping about a divorce. But that’s the thing..Kanye isn’t deep. Sorry. he isn’t. I’ll be the first to say he’s far more clever than people give him credit but deep? Nah, b.

Guilt Trip:

I don’t wanna keep harping on this auto-tune shit but…goddamnit.
This is “heartbreaks and 808’s” outtake business right here. It’s again him “rapping” over production that isn’t typical to hip hop. But that’s the whole album. I dunno. This joint is just kinda boring. It might work at like 5 am though. But, AGAIN, what the fuck is he babbling about on this track? “Let me goooooooo…” is the “Do I make you Horny?Yeahhhh baby” of played out R&B catch phrases.

Send it up:

This song kinda exemplifies my biggest issue with the album. It’s a bunch of songs trying something different (in the realm of popular hip hop), which is applaudable but the results are kinda thin , synth-y joints with not much to say. It’s not like they’re even an enjoyable listen. A lot of them sounds like unfinished Nine Inch Nails demos with rapping on them.

Bound 2:

This will be every old rap heads favorite song by far. Why? Cause he’s rapping over a soul sample and not dark , drumless synths. It’s as if he tagged this on the end to make all his old fans who aren’t music critics happy. Well, it worked! Say what you will but you can drain more emotive qualities out of an old soul loop than dark synths over a thumping kick.
And, to take it further,Kanye simply sounds better over these types of beats They fit his silliness. He’s simply not a serious enough rapper to pull off these dark brooding songs. He’s way more in his lane when he’s just fucking around over soul loops. Still, all that said, this song does seem like him stepping backwards. But I’m sure a lot of people would have prefered that in the first place.

Answers for questions vol. 140

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Good day to you, sir.
Welcome to another edition of “Answers for questions”. That thing where you ask me stuff and I answer it. Almost nothing is off limits. If you have any questions you’d like me to tackle (be them personal, abstract or opinion based), send them my way. Email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. All I ask is that you be a little creative. Were on vol. 140 now so, as you can imagine, a lot has been covered.
This week is an informative one…Let’s go!

Hey can you talk about changing Daylight into Nightlight? Why did you do it? and if you like Nightlight better? (sorta fits aesop’s songs styles more being raw and very gritty)


That was Aesop’s idea. We were putting together the “Daylight” ep and had been discussing the idea of a remix of “Daylight”. This was a long time ago so the memories are little fuzzy but I seem to recall both of us not being into the idea of simply just taking the vocals and putting a new beat under it. Especially considering how the lyrics and the beat meshed so well. So, Aesop was over at my place one day and I played him some beats. One of which was the beat that would eventually become “Nightlight”. He didn’t hear it and immediately tell me what he was gonna do with it but he did jump on it, in terms of wanting to use it. He probably called me (Again, it was a long time ago) and told me what his plan was after that and the rest is history.
I will say this though. Back then, I would sometimes make beats with him in mind. He would rarely end up using those beats cause what he would and wouldn’t like was never that predictable. But, in the case of the beat for “Nightlight”, I made that specifically with him in mind and he took it. So that was one of those rare times when that actually worked out. That was always a personal victory for me.

·What do you think about people who call themselves “Hip-Hop Heads” ?? People who always claim to know the most about Hip-Hop.. Personally, I find them annoying as fuck. What do you think about these people?

I think that’s a product of youth. I was like that when I was younger. I know tons of people who were. It’s definitely something you look back on with a blushing face cause that kind of know-it-all nerdery goes hand in hand youthful self obsession. I can remember being like 19 and talking to other kids about hip hop and immediately just writing them off cause they didn’t know about something or another. Granted, this was before the internet so acquiring knowledge on things actually took time and dedication but still…No one likes a smug asshole. Especially if that person is smug about being into hip hop.
It’s weird to meet these types today cause, I find, they sorta live in a bubble. They’re typically people with pretty closed minds (which is rarer today than it was 20 years ago). They’re the same type of people who will tell you who is and isn’t a sell out and get mad at anyone who raps about guns and drugs , as if it’s impossible to be both good at rapping and rap about those topics. It’s short sighted and boring of them but, hey, I was once like them so I understand.
Basically, being an annoying “hip hop head” is only something you realize is kinda corny after you’ve been through it. It’s like a rite of passage for hip hop nerds. The goal is to graduate from that train of thought into the zen like stasis of not really caring THAT much about anything…or , as it’s known to the rest of the world, adulthood.

Hi Blockhead

You mentioned a little while ago when you were about to do a European tour that we shouldn’t bitch about you not coming to our towns as you only go where you’re invited: how does that work? Do you have a promoter, self promote, wait for invites or a mix of things?

It’s pretty simple. I go where where the offers are. No one is offering me shows in places like London or Amsterdam so I don’t play those places. I’d love to…but ,at the moment, it’s not in the cards. Meanwhile, I’ll get offers to play eastern europe and germany all the time so those might actually work out. I have a booking agent in the US and in Europe and they basically just field offers and feel out where I might find interest from in local promoters. My US booking agent had a little more pull cause I’ve been touring here for years so, getting me a show in a random city for a tour is easier. The money might not be that great but it’s doable. Where as getting a show in europe is way more complicated due to the travel costs.
So, when i say “I only go where I’m invited” I mean that literally. If I haven’t played your city/country/town it’s cause no one from that particular place is offering me money to play there. and, if they are, they’re offering me shitty money that isn’t worth my time/travel expenses. One thing is for certain, I do not pick and choose where I play. So, yeah, if you live in a place I never play but think I could get a decent show, holler at my booking agents!
US:Chris@autonomousmusic.org
Europe: Lothar@Dailyoperation-agency.com

How did your basketball game evolve with age? I mean, I’m 25 and shit ain’t the same as when I was 18. I don’t even want to know how it will be in mid 30s, I might retire by then:) My right knee and left ankle are bothering me constantly. I used to be this speedy guy who would dribble the ball with pretty good handles and get to the rim where I would finish with a variety of floaters (also, have you noticed that floaters make people really mad? they think it is a lucky shot who got in by accident and mercy of god, even though I hit them constantly) but now I just try to avoid quick movements and I just try to box out every time and go for every rebound available (I pretty much ignored it before, because I would spend so much energy on attacking the basket) while playing in the post more on offense and trying to be a spot up shooter from distance. Also what kind of player are you on offense/defense/rebounding and what were you in your prime? Isn’t it great to be asked this kind of question, you feel like a professional athlete while answering it

My game has changed drastically. When I was young, I was an inside player with crazy leaping ability. All i did was rebound and shoot around the basket. I had a short effective bank shot but, otherwise, from 12 feet out I was worthless. When I was in my early 20’s, I tore three ligaments in my right ankle and was on the shelf for about a year (no health insurance means no rehab for the ankle so I just had to wait for it to heal slowly). When I finally came back, I had lost about 8 inches in my vertical leap (I used to be able to dunk but ,post injury, I could barely grab the rim) and some speed/reflexes. So I started changing my game. I worked on my outside game more and got a decent , albeit hot and cold, jump shot and I worked on my post game. I got a couple of decent moves down there but cause I’m only 6 feet tall, I don’t get to use them that often. But, more than anything, I started picking up crafty old man moves and moving away from my former athleticism. English off the back board, various fakes, bankshots. Shit like that.
As I stand now, I’m a capable 2/3. I can shoot decently, I can pass decently and I can rebound decently but I’m not great at any of those things. My handle is pretty lame but I can pull a good crossover out every now and then. Think a wacker lamar odom type. Depending on the game I can be a #1 scoring option or a guy who just sets picks and gets rebounds. One thing is for sure though, I’m a shitty defender. I’m lazy as fuck and almost always gamble and go for the blocked shot instead of actual smart defense. This leads to me getting scored on a lot but I also block a few shows a game so it might seem like I’m actually playing more Defense than I actually am.
In terms of aging with basketball, my only advice as that you need to accept your limitations and work with them. I play with some dudes in their 50’s on occasion and , while they’re old and slow, they can still be effective if they understand their roll and their strengths.

Do you think white voice applies to white people of all nationalities? Here in Australia, the rap scene is overwhelmingly composed of white males, does this mean it’s a scene composed entirely of terrible white voice and thus terrible rap? Or do you think it’s an American thing?
Until I had a british dude freak out at me about in my comments section I had never thought about it. This is because I don’t listen to rap in languages I don’t understand so to even begin to think about that would mean I’d have to listen to a bunch of that shit. But, to be honest, he had a point. The “white voice” is a very north american thing. It’s whiny, nerdy, off beat and seemingly only exists in the US and Canada. I don’t know why that is…Surely there are white nerds all over the planet. Maybe our language just opens itself up for certain pronunciations. Like that super dorky white midwest twang that only a real peckerwood could have. Whatever it is, it’s a bummer but it’s also a fact of life. Sorry american white rappers. You don’t all have it…but MOST of you do. Much like limitations to your aging basketball game, rappers with “white voice” need to just accept it for what it is and ove forward from there.

Yo Block, with Father’s Day just around the corner, I was wondering what your relationship with your dad was like? (no homo). Did he take you to the park and movies and stuff like that? Did he ever talk to you about sex and drugs? Did he like your rmusic?

My dad was 60 when I was born. I’m the youngest of 7 (5 from a previous marriage). He was also about 75% deaf at the time cause he lost most of his hearing in World war two. When you add his age plus his hearing issues , I’d be lying if I said we were extremely close. We did stuff together but it was limited by both those things and the fact that he was very much an artist. What I mean by that is that he was one of those guys who would just disappear into his studio for the majority of the day. His focus and attention was very much his artwork. Even when he was dying and couldn’t recognize his own children, he was still fucking around with clay and making little sculptures.
That said, when I was younger we did play some sports (tennis and softball) together and he definitely gave me a subscription to playboy when i was 12 (which was a real game changer). We never had a sex or drugs talk but he was one of those dudes who would just drop random wisdom bombs on your out of nowhere that would resonate deeply. I honestly don’t even think he would realize it but he had a knack for timely wisdom. I say “timely” cause , like I mentioned earlier, he was deaf so it’s not like he was involved in a conversation. He’d just blurt out little jewels based entirely on his own perceptions of what was being spoken about in the room.
As for my music, he never really heard it…literally. He died when I was 20 so I was barely making beats at that point and, even if he had lived longer, he woulda been to deaf to hear it anyway. All he could hear was low end bass tones so he’d constantly complain about turning the music down…Which , you can imagine, was annoying to a teenager who enjoyed playing loud rap , hoping the one perk of having a deaf dad would be that the music could blast as loud as I wanted.
All in all, my relationship with my dad was more one of admiration than it was of closeness. He was an incredible and talented guy who lived an insane life. He definitely set the stage for me to think pursuing a career in the arts was not a crazy idea. He was respected and loved by his friends. His family was mostly in awe of him as well. But i think his physical limitations put a ceiling on how close he and I could really ever be. But I’ve long since accepted that it’s really no ones fault so, luckily, I don’t mope around about it. Instead, it’s a lot easier to just look back in great reverence and just be happy I had the time with him I did.

Yay or Nay: 3rdiiiUth

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These are some young mc’s from by way of maryland (I was originally told they were from Cali but I’ve since been corrected).
This is one of those Yay or Nay situations where I’m not sure where I stand. I suppose that’s kinda the reason I’m asking you guys.
On one hand, a few of these dudes can rap very well , they seem like they’re on their own shit and I like the beats. On the other, they did a song about weed in 2013 and , perhaps, they smoke too much weed to make songs with any focus. I dunno. I don’t think I’ve heard enough.
Also, I’m guessing the name is pronounced “Third Eye Youth” which is dangerously close to Third Eye Blind, so there’s that too.
So, peep this:


So, what do you think?

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 24

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Welcome to another stunning edition of “Fuck/Marry/kill” (read in Gordon Ramsey voice). Just a heads up, there are some NSFW pics coming up so be prepared to shut off your browser if your nosey boss/teacher starts looming.
in case you’re new to this game and/or this blog/universe, this is where readers send me in three names. I pick which one I would fuck, which one I would kill and which one I would marry and then explain why. Let’s assume there is a gun to my head and these are my only options. It’s a simple game being played by an even more simple man. If you’ve got any ideas for future F/M/K options, leave them in the comment section below. Just try and be creative cause I’m 24 volumes deep into this shit now and there’s a good chance I’ve already fucked, married or killed whoever you’re thinking of. Anyway, on with the shit show…

F/M/K: children’s hospital Edition: lake bell, erinn hayes, malin akerman

Fuck: Malin Akerman
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Much like me, Malin Akerman has a big ass head. For that reason alone, us breeding would probably be a bad idea. The last thing the world needs is a another human that looks like a bobblehead doll. So, I’m not trying to marry her. However, she is a very hot girl who likes getting naked in her movies. This leads me to believe she’s a somewhat sexually liberated person. Every had sex with someone who’s “sexually liberated”? They let you do stuff. So, for that reason alone, I’m going with her to have sex with. Big head and all.

Kill:Erinn Hayes
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She’s pretty. Without question. But sometimes a girl will remind you of someone else and it’ll be a big turn off. In her case, she reminds me of a girl I went to college with for one year. She was this ratty punk girl who had a big crush on me and was always very “forward” about it. While this sounds like a lay-up, sadly, I was not attracted to her. She had this really manly jaw line. A jaw line so manly, she was nicknamed “Goatjaw”. Yeah…it’s fucked up. I didn’t even come up with that name but it’s what we referred to her as. So, sadly, Mrs. Hayes reminds me of Goatjaw so I’m afraid she’s gotta be taken out back and slaughtered. Perhaps made into a jamaican stew or something.

Marry: Lake Bell
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On the surface, Lake bell is a flawed but pretty jewess. But, being a man who watched that shit show “How to make it in america” on HBO, I know things that some of you may not know. Primarily, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GIRLS BODY?!?!?! Holy shit. I have never been more shocked by a nude scene in my life. I’m watching this scene and she pops her top off and…Silence. But you might be thinking “Okay, her body is next level but that’s no reason to marry her!”. You are correct. Beyond all that, she seems like a girl I’d get along with. A new york jew type. My people (not that I’m particularly jewish but I get along well with NY jew types). So, that plus the body? WIFED.

ATTENTION: IT’s about to NSFW up in the bitch!
F/M/K:Chick with a perfect (whatever that means to you) ass and nothing else good, A chick with perfect titties and nothing else good, A chick with a perfect face and nothing else good. (they all have great personalities, no kids, no baggage, etc.)

(This one’s for the feminists! just kidding but never forget that I don’t make these up. They’re submitted by my readers.)

Kill:Perfect titties
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This is a brutal choice. Cause I’m imagining a gargoyle with perfect breasts. I think I chose this cause while, as awesome as perfect tits are, they don’t dictate other body parts. You can have perfect tits and the rest of your body might look like a bean bag chair. What I’m saying is that tits are often deceiving. I know plenty of guys who are obsessed with them who’ve gone home with girls cause they wore the right shirt that night, only to wake up realizing they just hooked up with this:
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Never a good look.

Marry:Perfect Face
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(This was the girl scientifically proven to have the “Perfect face”, fyi. Not sure if I agree but that was a real study that happened)
The thing about a perfect face is that you can work with it. It ages well. Certain types of beauty can last a long time. A dope body will eventually fail us all. But a face? It’s got legs. Also, considering that , in both the other cases, we could potentially be dealing with snaggle toothed pirate wenches, the idea of marrying someone you’d actually want to kiss is appealing. It’s not like you can just marry some tits or only give your beloved wife backshots for her entire life. Sometimes, you might actually wanna look her in the eyes. So, the face gets married.

Fuck: Perfect ass
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I mentioned earlier how tits don’t dictate other body parts. well, asses do. A perfect ass is NEVER connected to a disgusting torso. It just isn’t. So, by having a perfect ass, I’m guaranteed a nice stomach, a nice back, and decent legs. That’s enough for me to have sex with. I’m pretty sure, in real life, I’ve slept with someone based on their lower torso. Of all the body parts, I think I have the most visceral reaction to a nice ass and flat stomach. It literally makes my mouth water. That said, in this scenario, I’m assuming that lower torso is attached to something truly horrifying but when you play Fuck/marry/kill, those are the stakes.

F/M/k:Annoying 90′s singer: Liz Phar, Sheryl Crow, Lisa Loeb.

Marry: Lisa Loeb

I think it’s in the DNA of most men to weirdly be attracted to girls that look like Lisa Loeb. Brown hair, dorky glasses, cute face. It’s pretty much the blueprint for hot hipster girls minus the stupid tattoos. It’s a surprisingly wife-able combo.
Also, she was never an angry type. She was more whiny. While that could pose a problem, I’m way more suited for eye rolling than I am for arguing so I’ll take whiny over angry any day.

Fuck: Liz Phair

I remember the first time I saw what Liz Phair looked like I was shocked. I had only heard her music and assumed she looked like Melissa Ethridge’s butthole. But no, she was actually a very normal looking, average white girl who could certainly be described as “pretty”. She’s a type of pretty that is very real. She’s a girl you’d see at a bar and gladly make out with with hopes of taking her home. She’s very safe in that way. In a way, she’s everyman’s “fuck”. A title, i’m sure ,she would vomit blood upon hearing.

Kill: Sheryl Crow

Sheryl Crow has continually been popping up on “Sexiest women” charts for over a decade now, much to the dismay of my brain and penis. She’s certainly not an ugly woman. She’s kind a pretty. Big teeth, strong jaw line. Shave her head and she’s be perfect in that Hillary swank movie about the girl who pretended to be a boy.
I don’t know…she’s just not sexy to me at all. Maybe it’s her hippie undertones that make me feel like she probably smells weird or it’s the fact that she’s looked like a really well preserved 45 year old since she was in her 20’s. Either way, somebodies gotta die tonight…

F/m/K: grape soda, orange soda, ginger ale

Marry: Ginger Ale
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I’m not a huge soda guy. Maybe it’s cause I’m an adult and there are always other options. Who knows? However, Ginger Ale is 100% my go-to soda. Did you know there are parts down south where they don’t typically carry ginger ale? What the fuck is that about? I once had someone make me ginger all out of random shit they had at the bar. Like pepsi and bitters. It almost tasted right but not quite. Regardless, I’d marry the fuck out of Ginger ale.

Kill: Orange Soda
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What kind of ingrate drinks orange soda past the age of 13? In a world of fake tasting beverages, orange soda is king. It tastes as much like oranges as tofu tastes like steak. Let’s be honest, in terms of sweet things, orange is the perennial loser. It’s the last starburst you eat. It’s gross on cakes. You’d rather eat a loaf of vomit than get those weird orange rind candies. They don’t even make pies out of it. Oranges are good for three things: Juice, Orangina and as a stand alone fruit. MAYBE sorbet. But otherwise? GTFOH orange soda.

Fuck: Grape Soda
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I know you’re thinking that everything I just wrote about oranges could be applied to grapes. Well, you’re kinda right. Except grapes make wine. I don’t even like wine but I’m sure some of you do so hopefully that’ll make this choice easier to swallow for you. I chose to fuck grape soda for one reason: Every now and then, I get a hankering for a grape soda. I don’t know why. It’s something that happens maybe once every 2 years but when it hits? shit. I NEED that fake ass grape taste in my mouth immediately. It’s like a pregnant woman’s craving. So, that alone wins it for me.

“I hooked up with Riff Raff” Part 1


Well, I didn’t…but someone did.

So, it’s safe to say that Riff Raff is a polarizing and fascinating character. I’m sure many of my readers have a visceral disdain for him but I’ve always leaned more towards the side of him being a very entertaining person with a unique game plan. I think what it comes down to is trying to get a handle on him as a person. Is he genuine? Is he a character? Is he a slightly exaggerated version of himself? Or is he 100% an act? The thing is, no one really knows. We’ve all seen clips of the guy being different people. Even in interviews where he seems to be acting sincere, you still can’t tell.

So, I had an idea. I have a friend who knows a lot of people. We were talking one day and it casually came up that she had a few friends that had hooked up with Riff raff (sexually). Immediately, my ears perked up. Partially cause hearing those kinda stories in general are alway fun but more so cause I felt like it might be a chance to , perhaps, shed some light on an enigma. So, I had the idea of making a questionnaire for these girls who had hooked up with him. My friend would then give them the questions and return the answers to me. This way, keeping the girls anonymity in tact. Even with this , a few girls declined. But two brave souls whom I’ve never met and have no clue as to their identity, stepped up to the plate. So, to them, I say thank you and , if I ever somehow meet you, drinks are on me.
While the questions are a little personal, I also tried to not go too into depth out of respect for both the girls and Riff Raff. So, sorry fellas, I’m afraid you’ll never know how big Riff Raff’s dick is!
The way I see it, I don’t know the dude. I’d imagine I’d be a little bummed out if my sexual exploits started popping up on the internet. Or maybe he doesn’t care? Who fucking knows. Regardless, this is less about the sex than about the way in which it went down and perhaps seeing Riff raff as a regular, red blooded man who wants to have sex with girls. It should also be noted that I’m just posting what the girls told me. Riff Raff might have a totally different view point on what went down and there are just one persons words. So, also take that into consideration.
So, here is the first interview subject.

How did you meet Riff Raff?

At Santo’s in August at one of his shows. I was introduced by a mutual friend backstage.

Were you attracted to him when you met him?

He definitely has a certain something. Mainly, he’s just fascinating to look at. He has a really striking, crazy face.

Who was the aggressor , in terms of flirting and things escalating to a sexual level?

He was. He was the one who initiated us hanging out and who texted me repeatedly over the weekend after our hookup to “hang out at the hotel”. One of the first things he said to me was, “Wanna make out at the after party?” Didn’t take much.

Is Riff Raff Charming?

Much more charming in performance. In person, he kind of has a mask on and doesn’t really look people in the eyes, or smile that much.

Was any part of sleeping with Riff Raff doing it because there’s something funny about being able to say you had sex with Riff Raff?

Well it certainly wasn’t for the fake MMDA and the scintillating conversation we had about LA vs. NYC. Yes, to be honest with you, that was the main reason I hooked up with him- it felt hilarious.

Have you slept with other “famous” people before?

Not actual famous people, just NYC scenester type famous people. Unfortunately, Riff Raff is the most famous person I’ve ever been with.

Did he break out of character at any point? If so, when and how? If not, he’s actually that guy?

He never once went on like he normally does in his videos. He was pretty quiet. After the show, we went to his hotel suite where his friends were snorting Mollies. He turned to me and nodded to go into his bedroom. We made out on his bed and had very average sex for ten minutes, and I was surprised at how sober and rational he was about everything. It felt like a high school hook up. Neither of us took off our sneakers.

I feel as if most men are most honest and vulnerable post orgasm. Would you say this was true of Riff Raff?

No. He definitely just lay there for a minute with his eyes closed, then looked me up and down suggestively, then got up to wash up.

Were drugs and alcohol involved in your personal time with Riff Raff? if so, what?

beer.

Did you enjoy sleeping with Riff Raff? Any regrets?

We used protection and everything, so no regrets there, thank god. It wasn’t good sex by any means but I think it’s funny it happened.

There was a new batch of girls coming in to the room post- hookup, which was skeevy and gross and I felt suddenly really old. So, because it was 4 AM, I got a room in the hotel that night to catch a few hours of sleep before going to work the next day. That means I spent three hundred bucks to have sex with him- bummer. But on the other hand, I went to work the next day wearing the same thing as the night before (minus underwear which was left in Riff Raff’s room) and the amazing secret that I had had sex with a guy who has BET tattooed to his neck and a cultivated zig zag beard. It just felt like I had a really juicy secret, and I LOVE that feeling. Priceless.

I still get texts from him when he’s in town, which is always a treat. I wish I knew what my name was in his phone, because he definitely doesn’t know what my name is.

Would you do it again?

I don’t think so. It was exhausting following him and his retarded bro’s around just to have sex for ten minutes and feel as though I was a part of a revolving door of 22 year olds. You never know, though!

After it was all said and done, what is your take on Riff Raff, as a man? Good guy? Misunderstood genius? Retarded clown?

He’s obviously narccisstic and I’m not sure who he is underneath his visual persona. He seems bored and affected unless people of note are watching him and he’s making himself to be a retarded clown/ misunderstood genius. He’s probably calculating and smart, albeit quiet and lonely at heart. But he could’ve just been zonked out on Mollies.

P.S. on the off chance that anyone reading this has hooked up with riff raff (or another interesting celebrity) and you’re willing to talk about it, holler at me phatfriendblog@gmail.com. Don’t holler at me if you are liar and feel like wasting my time though. you’re better than that…come on.