So, the last time I did this, for the first time ever since starting this column, I forgot to preface this with a “this is all in fun and not serious”. Obviously, by forgetting it that one week, someone got offended and made an issue about how degrading this column is. While I get where they were coming from (on the surface, this is pretty offensive stuff) there is also context and intent to be considered and the idea of “joking around” in general. Anyway, that got me thinking, So, this week, I’mma try something a little different. I usually do three people based options and then a non-human option. This week, I’m flipping it. One human option and three “other”. So, let’s see how that goes…I’m really just hoping this doesn’t offend pancakes, baseball or rum.
Okay..let’s get into it. First up…PEOPLE.
F/M/K – Kima Greggs, Skyler White,Daenerys Targaryen
Kill: Skyler White
Obviously. She’s a woman I think every dude in a relationship who watches that show has wanted to kill for a while now. The fucked up thing is that she’s the victim in a lot of what’s going on yet still finds a way to strike a nerve as a cold hearted shrew. Again, this defies every thing going on in her situation but , somehow , some way, she’s just so completely unlikable. Even if her husband has lost his mind and become a poor man’s scarface with an inflated nerd ego on fire. She still sucks. DEAD.
I’m not a guy who’s particularly hung up on marriage. So, in a way, marrying a lesbian is ideal for me. We’d both be able to do our thing and enjoy our lives. Then we could watch WNBA together like buddies. Not to mention, Kima has decent taste in ladies. I’ve never been one who really gives a shit about watching girls hook up with each other but it wouldn’t be a bummer to come home to some hot black lesbian action every now and then. If for nothing more than the possible run off that comes from that.
I’m sure every dude is reading this and is like “WHY DIDN’T YOU MARRY HER?!?!?!?”. Well, good point. She’s the best. She’s super hot, kind hearted and controls fucking dragons. The reason I opt out of that life is that I feel like the longterm with her equals an early death. People are gunning for her at all times and being her side piece can only last so long before someone puts a sword through your face. Also, I feel like her vagina might have Lava in it or something.
F/K/M Pancakes , Bacon and Eggs or Cereal
Fuck: Bacon and Eggs
I feel so deeply about bacon and eggs that I might literally fuck them is they asked me right. Clearly, marriage would work too but I feel like the high cholesterol would kill me off fairly quickly. But, really, what’s better than a nice bacon egg and cheese sammy the morning after a night of careless drinking? Still, it’s not an every day thing. Kinda like sex after the age of 35.
Funny thing is, I don’t really ever eat cereal. I love it and it’s variety is what made me choose it to wed but, really, I can’t recall the last time I ate it. You know why? Cause I hate buying milk and being pressured to finish it before it goes bad. It’s like you got a gun to your head to finish a carton of milk. What if I don’t feel like eating 3 bowls of cereal a day? Without fail, I’m always left with no milk and like 1/3 filled box of cereal I no longer desire OR some bad milk and like 3/4’s of a box of cereal. I figure, through marriage, this would be magically fixed. Like Marrying cereal might somehow create the perfect milk in the house to cereal in the box ratio. Maybe I’m dreaming…but let a man dream.
Eh, fuck a pancake. I mean, I’ll eat them but I’m not a fucking 4 year old. I don’t want dessert for breakfast. This isn’t “Bill Cosby Himself” and I don’t need chocolate cake before I brush my teeth. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZlCPQur4hc
At best, I like to take a bite of someone else’s pancakes after I’ve eaten. just to get that sugar rush I desire after eating salty foods. Other than that? Fuck’em. Hang’em high.
F/K/M NFL NBA MLB
It’s pretty much the only sport I actively watch and follow closely. Easily my favorite sport (and one of my favorite things in general). Why would I not marry it? I wish the NBA was year round. My girl would murder me cause she hates that I am addicted to fantasy basketball but, hey, she wouldn’t be my girl in this situation! Basketball would. And, I’ll tell you, Basketball would never complain to you about fantasizing about it. Basketball understands me.
Sorry. i don’t give a shit about Football. Never have. I didn’t grow up playing it so it never really resonated with me. FYI, I only fuck with sports I actually play. I play basketball. I’ve played tennis. I played little league for 7 years. Those are sports i can sit and watch on some level. Football? It’s a decent reason to eat wings but that’s about it. Still, it’s infinitely better than Soccer or Hockey. Sorry Canadians and people from every place other than the US. I hate your sports!
Side note: I actually did play soccer when I was a kid and I think I hate it even more because of that. It was like playing right field in softball for 3 hours at a time. And watching it is even more boring. It could use more decapitations.(JUST KIDDING!!!)
I’ve certainly lost interest in baseball over the last few years. I used to be obsessed with it but, i dunno…it’s a long ass season. It’s a long ass game. My home teams are both kinda whatever. That said, I will always have a small place in my heart for it. For that reason, I’d throw it a bone(r). I still enjoy playing MLB 2013 on my PS3 so that’s kinda like a porn version of the real thing. Quicker…more exciting. Surely I could scrounge up enough to throw it down one last time with a former lover.
F/m/K whiskey, vodka, rum
I like whiskey but it’s a once in a while kinda party for me. The dark liquor hurts the old mans soul the next day so a nice one off would suit me fine. Whiskey can be a fun drunk. It can also be a sloppy drunk. Two words that go nicely with sex. I only hope it wouldn’t cause Whiskey dick cause, man, wouldn’t that be ironic.
It’s my drink of choice. Sure, alone, it taste like rubbing alcohol. But it’s perfect for mixing. It’s light. It’s flexible. It’s one alcohol that you can really improvise with when it comes to mixers. All you got in your fridge is some flat diet coke and an orange? MAKE IT WORK. It’s reliable as well. While the hangover is no picnic, it’s also not a pussy drink. Sure, you can make a sissy cocktail with it but , personally, a little soda water and a lime suits me perfectly. I feel married to vodka already so this isn’t a big jump for me.
I had the worst experience of drinking in my life with rum. Granted , it was that spiced rum garbage but that fucking counts! To this day, when I see a captain morgan’s add, my stomach turns a little. Beyond that bad experience, I think rum sort of just exists to be drank on islands near sand. Drinking tropical drinks while standing in an irish sports bar on 37th street doesn’t really make sense to me. I pretty much only touch the stuff when it’s the only option. even then, I’m hesitant. So, sorry rum. You dead.