Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 29


Hello everyone. It’s time once again for me to dole out some of that good old advice about life and love. I’m not a doctor and I dropped out of school my freshman year of college but I sure as hell give better advice than your stupid homeboy/girl who’s trying to salvage your frail ego.
So, if you feel the need for some help from a third party with no stake in anything other than being honest, holler at your boy. Email me questions at:
phatfriendblog@gmail.com
or leave them in the comment section below. There are always anonymous so it’s a safe place to totally reveal you most deepest and darkest secrets to the internet.
Alrighty, lets get into it…

Hey Tony,

So you seem very wise and mature in the dating realm, and thus I am reaching out to you with my boy problems. I started dating this guy a little over a month ago, and things seemed to be going really well. We decided since we were both going to be traveling the next few months that we wouldn’t be exclusive. I was cool with this, and things continued to go pretty smoothly. He went out of town and we texted a lot. When he came back we ended up having sex, and things seemed fine afterwards. He texted me the next day, and the day after that I asked him if he’d want to hang out. He said he had plans but he’d let me know. I didn’t hear from him between the next few days before my flight, even though he knew I was leaving for six weeks. The night before I left I texted him seeing what was up. Later on in our conversation he apologized for not having seen me before I left, and I said that I wished he would’ve said something earlier since it had kind of confused me. He apologized and said he wasn’t trying to mindfuck me and the conversation kinda ended with me just saying things were fine. The next morning he texted me again saying he didn’t feel good about the way we left things and asked me if I could talk. We weren’t able to meet up so we just ended up texting. He said he didn’t want me to think he had bad intentions and that he wanted to stay in touch while I was gone and that he hoped I wasn’t too upset. I basically responded saying that everything was okay, I just wasn’t sure where we stood after we had sex, since he had kind of lost touch and didn’t try to see me before I left. Basically, we left things on good terms, but I haven’t heard from him in a couple of days now. My questions, are then, I guess, what is your interpretation on this whole situation Block? Am I blowing things out of proportion? Was I expecting too much after a month of dating? Is he an asshole? Busy? A busy asshole?

He sounds to me like he doesn’t really know what to do with himself. There’s something about a non-commital relationship that can be confusing to a man. Cause, in a way, you’re giving him a free pass. He gets to be both single and have you at the same time. So, basically, he’s single. I’m not saying he was out fucking a different girl every night or even fucking any other girls but that freedom he was allowed can turn something that might be a little more black and white into a grey area.
Now, he certainly just could have been busy the entire time but I’m of the school of thought that, if you wanna see someone, you can always make time. Unless he’s working 90 hour work weeks and lives far away, it should never be impossible to connect with someone you want to see. Hell, I’ve seen people who work those kind of hours still make time for people.
So, this leads me to believe the guy you were/are dealing with simply is/was unsure of the whole thing. Possibly cause he knew there was a cap on it, with you leaving. It’s possible he really did/does like you but didn’t want to get too involved cause he knew you were not sticking around. personally, when i was ever in a situation like that, I’d liken to it as a godsend cause it was like you could just have all the good parts of a relationship then the person would go away before shit got annoying. Granted, I was an asshole when I was single. Still, this guy pulling back as opposed to not just having as much sex as possible with you before you leave actually leads me to think he’s not an asshole. He’s probably more sensitive and aware of his feelings. Or he was fucking tons of other girls. I suppose we’ll never know, will we?

What are you thoughts on texting vs. calling girls? I’ve had a few instances recently when girls have taken hours or days to respond to a text and there end up being a lot of mixed signals. Isn’t texting kind of a step back technologically? I find a lot of the confusion that arises during a text conversation could be cleared up by a quick phone call. Should young people try picking up the damn phone for once instead of using it like a telegram?

Texting is a gift and a curse.
On the bright side, it’s revolutionized flirting and how people interact in general. I often lament about how I wish texting was a thing when I was in high school cause I’m way better at typing than I am at speaking which would have led to an exponential growth in my teenaged sex life.
However, for the reasons you mentioned and more , texting is probably the worst thing to happen to human interaction in our lifetime. It’s gotten to the point where people are appalled when they get a phone call. I’ve got friends who ONLY respond to texts. I get it though. I HATE talking on the phone. There are like 4 people I enjoy talking to on the phone and they all live in other cities. But , sometimes, people just have to suck it up and make a phone call. There are some situations that can’t be conveyed properly with the short handed written word. I can’t tell you the amount of times relationships have been hurt by people misunderstanding texts or people who text in a certain way tactlessly infuriating people without even knowing it. The problem with texting all the time , when dealing with the opposite sex, is that not everyone is good with words. Some people are downright retarded. Whether it be that they can’t convey a clear thought or they just have a particular tone to how they write that confuses people…some people just need to stop all that and pick up a fucking phone so they can eliminate any confusion. Especially if you’re having a serious talk. No one should break up over texts. Booty call terminations maybe…but nothing deeper than that.
Sadly, I fear this is only gonna get worse and I foresee a time in the future where people will cease talking altogether. We will just sit around dinner tables instant messaging the other people at the table. Eye contact will only be made right before they share a first kiss but will soon be followed two people having sex while sexting and sending each other text photos of the very sex they are having at that moment. A world destroying astroid can’t come soon enough.

My gf and I have been dating for two years, there was a period that I went off the deep end with the booze and drugs and lost a considerable amount of her trust. She started second guessing anything I did with other friends (male and female especially) or where and how I would spend my free time. We’ve managed to patch up most of the issues we had since I got sober (go figure) about 6 months ago. Now we joke, at times, about how paranoid she was and some of the sketchy shit I did to get her to that point. She was recently contacted by her ex-boyfriend (“The asshole with a small penis” she calls him) and decided to go out with him to catch up over drinks.When she told me I said “Okaaay? Well have fun but If he’s such an asshole,why spend more time with him?” I’m not really the jealous/insecure type but I find it rather odd that she would do this. Maybe it’s just foreign to me because I’ve never maintained a relationship after a breakup aside from the occasional hate sex booty call.She said that they got along fine as friends and she just wants to see how he’s been.She’s very faithful and is completely trustworthy but I could use an outsider’s opinion on what her motivation might be.

I don’t think it’s a big deal. I have ex-girlfriends I’m still cool with who i would have a meal with devoid of any foul intentions. Granted, I wouldn’t be super psyched to do it but it also wouldn’t be the end of the world. I think part of people doing these sorts of things is a basic curiosity we have about the people in our past. Sure, some people will do these kinda things with a faint flicker in the back of their minds that , maybe, there’s some thing still there. But I’d guess that, in general, it’s just like two old friends meeting up.
I do find it odd that she would even want to see this guy she openly dissed to you but, then again, her calling her ex “the little dick asshole” might just be something she did just to make you feel more secure about her past relationships. For all you know, he was the love of her life and his dick looked like a baguette. I mean, she dated him and is willing to see him again, how big an asshole could he have been?
regardless, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Just keep an eye on her that night and if she starts acting distant or weird the following days after that, then get suspicious. Also, if she comes home complaining about him in a petty way…like a girl who was perhaps dissed or is butt hurt, that’s a tiny red flag that he might still have some sort of grip on her. I say this cause, if she was truly over it, she probably wouldn’t give a shit.

I have only slept with my wife. Growing up, I was a total “sucker for love” kind of dude (mostly due to being strictly raised Catholic… thanks for that, parents!). Instead of realizing I was young and should have been smashing whoever I could, I was in a bunch of long-term relationships and full-on sex just didn’t really happen except with my wife. We dated on and off and she slept with other people because she was smart and took advantage of being a virile youth. We got back together eventually and things were awesome, so we got hitched.

While I still want to use a time machine and go slap the shit out of my younger self for being a total pussy, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m probably only going to sleep with my wife for the rest of my life, and my relationship with her (and the sex) is cool enough for me to be OK with that. I knew this would be the reality before I decided to marry her. However, I am obviously still attracted to other girls. No plans to act on it at all (not going to screw up my good life now to get back at my idiot younger self), but I have a question:

You’re a dude who seems to have done OK with a variety of different girls and you’re in what I assume to be a monogamous long-term relationship. Do you still have a big urge to bone a huge number of girls, or is that something that you’ve gotten out of your system? I guess I’m just trying to figure out what is human nature vs. regrets about wasted youth.

Hey dude, guess what? IT NEVER GOES AWAY. I don’t think there is a man alive who thinks “Well, I’m totally satisfied with my sex life prior to my wife!”. As men, our lives are shrouded in regret about sex we should have had. That goes from the guy who only slept with his wife (AKA YOU) to Hugh Hefner. It’s simply an unavoidable fact. I had a fun time as single person. I look back on it fondly but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish I had been even more active than I was. While that thought might make my girlfriend want to vomit blood it’s simply how we, as men, are wired. Hell, I’m sure girls feel the same way. Just not as grossly as men. A dude will sit around pondering the night he opted to not fuck some low life girl he met at a bar who probably had hepatitis Z with great regret simply cause we feel we may have missed out on an experience. It’s just how we are as hunters and gatherers. That doesn’t only apply to food and life necessities. It applies to memories and ego fuel.
So, yeah man, it’s not just you. It’s everyone. Rest easy that, even if you had fucked tons of girls as a single guy, you’d still be ogling that girl that works at starbucks like a creep and wondering what her underwear looks like. It’s human nature AND regrets. They go hand in hand.

Answers for questions vol. 144

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Whattup everyone,
I’m back from a west coast excursion and , gotta say, it’s really nice to be back in the sweltering and oppressive heat of NYC. Nothing like walking two inches and sweating through your shirt. I may talk a lot of shit about how great NYC is but, without question, our summertime weather is not one of those talking points.
Anyway, you got questions for me? Are you not boring? Well, then I have a deal for you. Send these questions to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com OR leave them in the comments below. i will answer them. That’s how this works.
This weeks questions will be really interesting to fans of my music but not that interesting to people who read this blog to chuckle at stuff. If this is a problem for you, I’d advise you to write in and ask me questions that may lead us down the more comical paths in life. Cause, at least for this week, the music nerd questions are reigning supreme.

You’ve mentioned numerous times that you don’t listen to instrumental music so I’m curious to know what made you decide that you wanted to make a kind of music that you don’t even like to listen to?

I think it just kinda started by accident. I had never considered making instrumental stuff but I always had a surplus of beats that were either too slow, too fast or too weird for rappers. I made “Forest Crunk” on the Daylight Ep and liked the freedom to just take the song anywhere.

Then someone asked me if I’d be interested in doing an instrumental album and I was like “Why not?”. In a way, I think the fact that I had heard so little of that genre prior to making my first album was a blessing cause I wasn’t trying to sound like anything else. I made that first album with my own idea of how instrumental albums were “supposed” to sound based entirely on nothing.
So, to answer the question, the freedom to just do something on my own and expand what I do as a beat maker is why I started doing the instrumental stuff. Unlike being a god rapper, I don’t necessarily think one has to be to immersed in that genre to do it well. and to be honest, 99% of instrumental music really bores the shit out of me.

What do you think about female MCs? Do they work for you? They seem to be more gimmick-y, and for that reason I’ve ran across many people who simply write them off because they are female.

I think female mc’s are comparable to female comics. There are very few good ones but , the ones that are good, are really talented. It also should be added that , percentage wise, there are waaaaaay less female rappers than male rappers so that kinda makes them seem worse than they are. But, I can’t front, I could count the female rappers I REALLY like on one hand and I could count the rest I don’t particularly enjoy bumping but willingly admit they are exceptionally skilled on the other.
I think Jean Grae is awesome. I loved Lauryn Hill before she went nuts. Mc Lyte was a beast. Roxanne Shante was great. Still…I don’t think there’s a female MC that would make it into my top 50 mc’s of all time.

This could maybe be a “Dr. Tony” question but does it seriously weird you out if you see a couple with a big age difference? My parents were 13 years apart so I tend to catch myself being attracted to guys in their 30s when I’m barely 20, but I guess it just doesn’t seem too weird to me having grown up with my parents like that. I see this even more with people of fame. Ok, I’ll admit, that guy from Green Mile with the teenage bride is kinda creepy but for some I guess it makes since. The entertainment industry in a sense is about youth so maybe it’s not as weird in that sense? Would you ever date someone more than 10 years younger than you? And do you think there’s kinda a double standard, like it’s only normal if the guy is older? Do I automatically have “daddy issues” because I like older men? What do you think of the couples? Okay, that was like a million questions, sorry but it’s a topic I’d like your opinion on.

I think old dudes who only date young girls are kind of creeps and also kind of losers. However, I get it on a short term level. Young girls are hot. They are low maintenance. As an older dude, you can control them easier. So, if you’re a guy who feels the need to have those kind of dynamics in your relationship, then it’s perfect. However, if you’re a guy who wants to actually connect with a like minded human being on the same level as you, it might not be the best move. I’m not saying a 20 year old girl and 30 year old guy CAN’T be soul mates, I’m just saying it’s far less likely than someone who is closer to your own age. Keep in mind, I’m the son of a 20 year age difference between my parents. They loved each other very much and got along great. They also didn’t start dating when she was 19. I think that’s an important part of it. Once a girl is past a certain age, anything is possible. A 30 year old girl can date a 50 year old dude and it could work. But a late teen/early 20’s type of girl? They have no idea what the fuck is going on in life (neither do 20 year old dudes but this isn’t about them). They’re simply eye candy for older dudes or a prize that shows off that they “still got it”. Any old guy that seriously dates girls that age when he’s in his 30’s is asking for it. I mean, what the fuck do you talk about with someone who was in kindergarten when you were in high school? Your reference points are all fucked up. They don’t know about cassette tapes and a time before cell phones. That’s just weird.
To clarify, fucking them makes total sense. It’s just the idea of getting into a committed relationship with someone ten years your junior. I dunno…it more often than not reeks of an old dude taking advantage of a girl who doesn’t know any better.
And , yeah, daddy issues are usually why that shit happens. Thank god for daddy issues cause a lot of guys would still be creepy virgins if girls didn’t have them.

Do you like graffiti, or have you ever done graffiti? Graffiti seems to be associated with hip-hop is why I ask, plus I know your dad was an artist of sorts. I go out and tag and take an artistic approach to it but it seems to be one of those art forms people either love or hate.

I’m fairly indifferent. I think some pieces are very impressive. I think tagging just to get up is kinda lame. I was never a dude that did any Graf cause I have no artistic skill whatsoever in that arena. I used to scribble jokey shit on desks in high school but I never got even close to serious about it. Not to mention, in the early 90’s, people were getting fucked up over graffiti. The majority of the low level gang shit popping off in high school was graffiti related. My pussy ass was not trying to catch beef over drawings or writing my fake name on things.

We’ve all heard The Tugboat Complex Pt. 3, but what happened to the other two?
They are on different albums.
one was on a compilation put out by Foolblown records

and the other was on Appleseed. An Ep Aesop made before “Float”.

Hey Block, you know how you found success working with Aesop, El-P, camu tao and these great artists in New York. BluePrint and Illogic also came up together both coming from Columbus. Eyedea with Slug, Ant, Brother Ali, P.O.S all coming from the same area. And it’s also true in more mainstream music like Snoop, Nate Dogg, and Warren G. Also obvious in all bands. Any ways my question is how important do you think it is to have people on similar creative levels working together to find success and is it essential to have people with which you work and throw ideas off of to be successful? Also did you have anyone that was absolutely vital to your success?

I think being a part of a collective is a good thing but not always something that HAS to happen. Plenty of artists have come up with loose affiliations to people and have had great success. That said, timing and who you know are as vital a part of musical success as talent. If I had never met Aesop, who knows where I’d be now. If he had never signed to Def Jux there’s no telling what direction his career would have taken. That’s just the nature of music.
I do think it’s important to surround yourself with like minded people who will be honest with you. The worst shit you can do is have a bunch of yes man telling you every thing you make is amazing. That’s how people who sing like mongoloids on american idol are born.

Go cop that new FREE Open Mike Eagle Ep.

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Open Mike Eagle is a giving man. He’s also a prolific man. He just released a new EP on bandcamp that is free of change. It’s awesome. I’d go into detail but I’m sitting in an airport on two hours of sleep, barely able to put together these very sentences. Just know it’s dope and Mike does that thing where he’s keeps evolving and switching things up. And for that, I salute him. He’s not the guy making the same song over and over again. So…here’s the link.
DID I MENTION IT’S FREE?!?!?!
I did? Cool. Cause it is.
http://openmikeeagle.bandcamp.com

Also peep this. It’s not on the EP but it’s pretty cool as well.

Things that are wrong in the world V0l. 28

I just wanna preempt this whole thing by saying this could swerve dangerously into “Old man yells at cloud” territory. You know what I mean…
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Some of you more loyal readers may not believe it, but I actually do try to be a little open minded when it comes to new music. Even if it’s not my cup of tea, I ,at least, try to understand why other people like it. Not so I can learn from it musically as much as I just have a natural curiosity towards how peoples minds work in respect to these types of things. So, while I may not be sitting around listening to the new Rihanna album (or whatever) I’m also not sitting around cursing it’s existence and pretending like things were so much better when Ashanti was in her place. However, there is one “genre” that baffles me. It’s the rap/country music hybrid. Now, to be clear, I get why it exists. I even get why it’s perhaps popular (is it popular?). It speaks to the two lowest common denominators of pop music. Rap and country. I love rap. You know that. But dumb rap made by people with no intention outside of pandering to half wits is second only to power pop country music in it’s absolute worthlessness. It is the Mcdonalds double down of music minus the guilty pleasure of it actually tasting kinda awesome.
Put those two together and , Voila! You have a genre of music that make Juggalo’s stop and think “Wow, that’s REALLY in bad taste”.

I think , for me, this all comes down to how we don’t really have defined scenes in pop music anymore. Remember when country dudes looked like country dudes? Remember when rappers and R&B singers didn’t dress the same? Hell, remember when rappers and Michael Jackson dressed differently? Still, that’s just surface stuff. Dressing in a particular way is just your image. I really don’t care about that outside of casually making fun of Justin Beiber’s ridiculous genie pants or maybe Wiz Kalifa wearing a fucking bolo tie. It becomes an issue when the music itself falls into this same trap of “everything must be for everyone”. People are so busy trying to fit as many genres into everything as they can, they overlook that it typically just results in technicolored sound vomit. Certain fusions do not need to exist. In fact, some of the worst music in our recent history has been the result of people thinking “hey maaaaaan, if we put this genre with this genre, what do you think would happen?!?”. Sometimes it works. But most times, it results in oil and water poured into a shit milkshake.

This all leads me to shit like “Country boy fresh”. This is by no means the first kind of music in this genre. I could pull plenty of hilariously bad examples of rap and country music clashing. Things like these:


and , of course, who could forget this recent magical song that made all of us join hands and chuckle in unity

Now those are TRULY terrible. I mean, jesus fucking christ. THese people sat in a studio with straight faces, wrote and recorded those songs. Listened to them a bunch of times, had the songs mixed and then had the songs mastered. ALL THAT SHIT HAPPENED and, at no point, did someone in either camp for either artist go “Uh, hey guys…I think this was a bad idea”. I mean, I’m sure once the two sides went their separate ways, and cashed their checks, they had a nice laugh about it while also subtlety making racist jokes about their duet partners to their friends…but still…this kinda shit is not okay.

I will say this though, the above videos are as bad as it gets. Sometimes, it leans more towards the rap side of things. They just take a that “country swag” and throw it in the mix of a fairly normal and terrible rap song. I blame Kid Rock. Partially cause he made this song that seemingly got the rap/country ball rolling as the Lynyrd Skynyrd of rap:

but also cause he introduced the world to Uncle Kracker, and no one needed that.

Listen, i realize , as I yell at this pretty nimbus cloud hovering above my head, that we live in a time where everyone is the same. We’re all on the internet. We all have access to the same things. Nothing is a well kept secret anymore and very few people like to differentiate between the nuances. But some things aren’t meant to be. I wrote a piece similar to this a few years back about how rap and rock music blended together simply doesn’t work most of the time. Sure, it has worked, but it typically doesn’t.
In the case of country and rap? It has NEVER worked. I’m sure some of you are gonna start pulling names out to disprove this simply cause that’s what people do on the internet But know this: I know that you know that I’m right. Anything you pull that disproves this will 100% have an asterisk by it cause you’re reaching. I’m not talking about white rappers from the south like Bubba Sparrx or Yelawolf. Just cause they’re country doesn’t mean they’re “country rap”. They’re just normal rap from the south that tip their hat to those roots, for better or for worse. I’m talking when country music people make rap music. I defy you to find a song in this genre that isn’t ear AIDS. You can’t. Because it doesn’t exist. I’d say it’s a problem but, luckily, the genre is so bad it never really picked up steam beyond a few songs drunken frat boys might sing at a keg party in Mississippi.
At least we can all sleep well knowing that.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 25

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So, the last time I did this, for the first time ever since starting this column, I forgot to preface this with a “this is all in fun and not serious”. Obviously, by forgetting it that one week, someone got offended and made an issue about how degrading this column is. While I get where they were coming from (on the surface, this is pretty offensive stuff) there is also context and intent to be considered and the idea of “joking around” in general. Anyway, that got me thinking, So, this week, I’mma try something a little different. I usually do three people based options and then a non-human option. This week, I’m flipping it. One human option and three “other”. So, let’s see how that goes…I’m really just hoping this doesn’t offend pancakes, baseball or rum.
Okay..let’s get into it. First up…PEOPLE.
F/M/K – Kima Greggs, Skyler White,Daenerys Targaryen

Kill: Skyler White
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Obviously. She’s a woman I think every dude in a relationship who watches that show has wanted to kill for a while now. The fucked up thing is that she’s the victim in a lot of what’s going on yet still finds a way to strike a nerve as a cold hearted shrew. Again, this defies every thing going on in her situation but , somehow , some way, she’s just so completely unlikable. Even if her husband has lost his mind and become a poor man’s scarface with an inflated nerd ego on fire. She still sucks. DEAD.

Marry:Kima Griggs
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I’m not a guy who’s particularly hung up on marriage. So, in a way, marrying a lesbian is ideal for me. We’d both be able to do our thing and enjoy our lives. Then we could watch WNBA together like buddies. Not to mention, Kima has decent taste in ladies. I’ve never been one who really gives a shit about watching girls hook up with each other but it wouldn’t be a bummer to come home to some hot black lesbian action every now and then. If for nothing more than the possible run off that comes from that.

Fuck:Daenerys Targaryen
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I’m sure every dude is reading this and is like “WHY DIDN’T YOU MARRY HER?!?!?!?”. Well, good point. She’s the best. She’s super hot, kind hearted and controls fucking dragons. The reason I opt out of that life is that I feel like the longterm with her equals an early death. People are gunning for her at all times and being her side piece can only last so long before someone puts a sword through your face. Also, I feel like her vagina might have Lava in it or something.

F/K/M Pancakes , Bacon and Eggs or Cereal

Fuck: Bacon and Eggs
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I feel so deeply about bacon and eggs that I might literally fuck them is they asked me right. Clearly, marriage would work too but I feel like the high cholesterol would kill me off fairly quickly. But, really, what’s better than a nice bacon egg and cheese sammy the morning after a night of careless drinking? Still, it’s not an every day thing. Kinda like sex after the age of 35.

Marry: Cereal
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Funny thing is, I don’t really ever eat cereal. I love it and it’s variety is what made me choose it to wed but, really, I can’t recall the last time I ate it. You know why? Cause I hate buying milk and being pressured to finish it before it goes bad. It’s like you got a gun to your head to finish a carton of milk. What if I don’t feel like eating 3 bowls of cereal a day? Without fail, I’m always left with no milk and like 1/3 filled box of cereal I no longer desire OR some bad milk and like 3/4’s of a box of cereal. I figure, through marriage, this would be magically fixed. Like Marrying cereal might somehow create the perfect milk in the house to cereal in the box ratio. Maybe I’m dreaming…but let a man dream.

Kill: Pancakes
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Eh, fuck a pancake. I mean, I’ll eat them but I’m not a fucking 4 year old. I don’t want dessert for breakfast. This isn’t “Bill Cosby Himself” and I don’t need chocolate cake before I brush my teeth. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZlCPQur4hc
At best, I like to take a bite of someone else’s pancakes after I’ve eaten. just to get that sugar rush I desire after eating salty foods. Other than that? Fuck’em. Hang’em high.

F/K/M NFL NBA MLB

Marry: NBA
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It’s pretty much the only sport I actively watch and follow closely. Easily my favorite sport (and one of my favorite things in general). Why would I not marry it? I wish the NBA was year round. My girl would murder me cause she hates that I am addicted to fantasy basketball but, hey, she wouldn’t be my girl in this situation! Basketball would. And, I’ll tell you, Basketball would never complain to you about fantasizing about it. Basketball understands me.

Kill:NFL
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Sorry. i don’t give a shit about Football. Never have. I didn’t grow up playing it so it never really resonated with me. FYI, I only fuck with sports I actually play. I play basketball. I’ve played tennis. I played little league for 7 years. Those are sports i can sit and watch on some level. Football? It’s a decent reason to eat wings but that’s about it. Still, it’s infinitely better than Soccer or Hockey. Sorry Canadians and people from every place other than the US. I hate your sports!
Side note: I actually did play soccer when I was a kid and I think I hate it even more because of that. It was like playing right field in softball for 3 hours at a time. And watching it is even more boring. It could use more decapitations.(JUST KIDDING!!!)

Fuck: Baseball
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I’ve certainly lost interest in baseball over the last few years. I used to be obsessed with it but, i dunno…it’s a long ass season. It’s a long ass game. My home teams are both kinda whatever. That said, I will always have a small place in my heart for it. For that reason, I’d throw it a bone(r). I still enjoy playing MLB 2013 on my PS3 so that’s kinda like a porn version of the real thing. Quicker…more exciting. Surely I could scrounge up enough to throw it down one last time with a former lover.

F/m/K whiskey, vodka, rum

Fuck: Whiskey
Drunk baby
I like whiskey but it’s a once in a while kinda party for me. The dark liquor hurts the old mans soul the next day so a nice one off would suit me fine. Whiskey can be a fun drunk. It can also be a sloppy drunk. Two words that go nicely with sex. I only hope it wouldn’t cause Whiskey dick cause, man, wouldn’t that be ironic.

Marry:Vodka
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It’s my drink of choice. Sure, alone, it taste like rubbing alcohol. But it’s perfect for mixing. It’s light. It’s flexible. It’s one alcohol that you can really improvise with when it comes to mixers. All you got in your fridge is some flat diet coke and an orange? MAKE IT WORK. It’s reliable as well. While the hangover is no picnic, it’s also not a pussy drink. Sure, you can make a sissy cocktail with it but , personally, a little soda water and a lime suits me perfectly. I feel married to vodka already so this isn’t a big jump for me.

Kill: Rum
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I had the worst experience of drinking in my life with rum. Granted , it was that spiced rum garbage but that fucking counts! To this day, when I see a captain morgan’s add, my stomach turns a little. Beyond that bad experience, I think rum sort of just exists to be drank on islands near sand. Drinking tropical drinks while standing in an irish sports bar on 37th street doesn’t really make sense to me. I pretty much only touch the stuff when it’s the only option. even then, I’m hesitant. So, sorry rum. You dead.

Answers for questions vol. 143

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Whattup. It’s hot as hell in NYc right now so I’m heading out west for a a little bit on wednesday. Not cause I’m glamorous and can just afford vacations like that but cause I got some shows. I’m playing in S.F. on thursday at Mighty and then playing a day set at the lightning in a bottle festival on friday. If you’re around those places, come see your boy.
Anywho, if you got questions for me, I’m always down to hear them. Weird ones, Short ones. Phat ones. Long ones. Send them my way: phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below.
It’s always a good time, guys.

I’m a total hip-hop head, always have been, and 90s hip-hop has always been the holy grail for me. Tons of song that climbed the charts were favorites of mine back in the day. As time progresses, mainstream hip-hop doesn’t fit my taste for the most part and so I mainly listen to music on independent labels, etc, stuff you would never hear on the radio. My question is, what do you predict the future of hip-hop to look like (or the future of music in general)? As mentioned above, there is a lot of “overproduction” that happens and those same annoying bitches that say “amazeballs” are the ones posting Lil Wayne lyrics as their Twitter updates. You also mentioned how good artists get watered down by major labels. It seems to me that the 90s are untouchable and it’s only downhill from here. What do you think?

Sigh.
My biggest hope for hip hop is that this discussion of “where is hip hop gonna go?” will eventually end. The problem with holding onto the old values of classic hip hop is that they don’t fit into how music is made anymore. I’m an old school head. I grew up on hip hop in the late 80’s and early 90’s. I also grew up using pay phones and going to the library when I needed information. Things change. Music will never stop. Will there be shitty rap coming out? Of course. But guess what? There was shitty rap coming out back then too. You think Kid N’ Play didn’t suck? They did.
The main difference now is that there is just WAY more music and it’s endlessly easier to put it out/find it/create it.
In the internet age, the battle between major and Indie label rap is over. They both lost. Selling music isn’t making most artists any money anymore. And the people who are? Look at a dude like Macklemore. He’s an indie artist who indie music fans probably hate. He just happened to blow up and remain on an indie so now he’s a millionaire. The divide between the strata of music doesn’t really exist outside of what gets played on the radio. While that’s unfortunate, luckily, most people find their music on the internet anyway. You think Mac Miller ever had a song in heavy rotation on a major radio station? Probably not. But he’ll sell out every show he does this year.
So, my prediction for the future of hip hop is that it will remain hip hop. Good and bad artists will continue to make music that people both loath and love. A few extra terrible artists will catch the right trend waves and become famous while a few great artists will get plucked from obscurity and become blog darlings, which will lead to them having successful careers. Everything in between those two things will continue to range from inoffensive and mediocre to interesting and enjoyable.
By the way, I totally just read that entire last paragraph in a crystal ball. So, i feel pretty confidant in my answer.

Question: I know you dropped out, but are there any interesting college stories you’d like to share?

I honestly don’t have many stories cause I was only there for a year. Things that pop into my mind:
1)Walking back to my dorm after a party one night, a car of frat dudes drove by a yelled “Hey Faggots!” at my roommate and I. I dunno why but there was something so funny to us about those guys doing that with such vitriol towards two random dudes walking on a street together. It’s not like we were holding hands or kissing. It also led to a joke that would evolve into us yelling “Dykes!” at groups of men on their way to the club when we drove by them in a cab. The confusion alone was priceless.
2)I had a booger wall. I was disgusting. I would wipe my horrific boogers over the entrance to our room. So, if you looked up, it was a collage of greens, yellows and reds. It was truly awful. The funny thing is, no one noticed it. EVER. I have clear memories of girls standing in my doorway, flirting while a foot above there head was something so disgusting it would make their vaginas implode if they saw it.
3)My freshman year in college was a year of missed sexual opportunities that still haunt me to this day. I met tons of girls and had plenty of options. Blew it with pretty much every one of them simply by being a pussy. There was this one girl on my floor in my dorm who I legit liked. She liked me. We could ahve spent the last semester in a bed learning things about each other but no…It would have been as easy as getting drunk and just going for it…but I never did. Until the literal last day of school, we made out. But, even that was a struggle (she pretty much had to attack me). I have no clue what was wrong with me (I was shook, obviously) but…man, thinking about it now makes me wish I could go back to college again and have so much sex I’d die of unchecked STD’s before I graduated.
4)I got a 27% on a science final that was multiple choice. I was never a person who studied.I can honestly say , in my entire life, I don’t think I studied for more than 5 minutes for anything. I simply couldn’t focus that long on things I didn’t care about. So, the night before the final (that was at 8 am), I set out to really buckle down and try. I took a vivarin to stay awake. That was a bad idea. I was high as a motherfucker. I couldn’t even look at the page. Instead, I went to a floor in my dorm where all the asian girls lived and played minesweeper on one of their computers until dawn. I didn’t go to bed at all. I walked to the classroom like a zombie and took a test that I would have failed anyway on no sleep while truly not giving a fuck. I actually hung the test on my dorm room fridge. Looking back, I’m still pretty proud of that 27%. I bet if I took it again I couldn’t do that bad if I just randomly guessed the answers.

I passed out drunk once, while some people were over at my house. I woke up with the taste of hotdog in my mouth, and about 10 Polaroid pictures taped all over my body. Photographic evidence showed 2 high school girls with hotdogs hanging out of their zippers, taking turns slapping them on my forehead.

Here’s a lot of other stupid shit that might happen if you pass out at the party:

http://passedoutphotos.com/

What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you? Have you gotten off easy with the classic sharpie-wiener-forehead, or anything more creative?

I’ve never been a passer-outer. I will vomit way before that happens and after i vomit, I would go home. My body simply doesn’t allow it to happen.I think I also have a keen survival sense that removes me from any possible situation like that before it happens. So I’ve literally never been the victim of one of these pranks. I have given a few though. Mostly harmless drawing of dicks on peoples faces with sharpies or piling as much shit on them as possible. I really do wish things like vine and instagram were around when I was a teenager cause there would have been some epic pics of these type of things floating around the internet right now. Instead, they’re just sitting in someone’s dusty old photo albums.

i gotta question, most and least financially lucrative thing youve done? most and least critically acclaimed thing youve ever done? most satisfying?

Financially Lucrative: Working with Aesop. I still get checks for that every now and then. It was also because those early records were made back when people still bought cd’s. So there was money to be made on the back end. Outside of that, I’ve had a few lucrative licensing deals. One with a video game and another with a Bing.com commercial.

Most critically acclaimed: Probably my first solo album. It was pretty much loved across the board (except for Pitchfork.com).

Least critically acclaimed: Party Fun action Committee by a landslide. If you don’t know, that’s the comedy record I did with my buddy jer on Def Jux.

Most Satisfying: Party Fun action Committee.
Yup. I think I say this because , more than anything, I’m not a serious guy. I , for some reason, tend to make serious music but the PFAC album was the best reflection on what I’m actually like as a person. It was both the most satisfying and most difficult thing I’ve ever worked on.

Hey man! Been a fan of yours for a minute. Old co-worker turned me on to your music. I had heard Uncle Tom’s Coloring Book before, but never gave your music a full chance until Kendall (co-worker) was playing some of Downtown Science while we were working at one of my bars before I moved down to the Whale’s Vagina.

I moved down to pursue dance. Initially, it was to go to school and eventually teach at a University. Then it was for a career, and now I’m in flux. Either way, dance will be how I make a living. Just when and how is the flux part.

I guess my question was, if you had the chance, would you ever try and make an album that ties itself visually with dance and set an entire show based around the idea that you and said dancer(s) came up with?

I’m not pitching anything because I’m not where I need to be body-wise to be able to take on something like that. Yet. I move to music every day and to be able to collaborate with a musician eventually will be a huge accomplishment for me. Just thought I’d see if I could get an initial response and read what your reaction would be.

I can’t see myself doing that. I simply don’t have the time for a side project of that magnitude. That’s like making an entire new album but set to visuals.Sounds more like a job for a composer, not a beat maker. Also, While I don’t dislike dance, I’m also not particularly involved in it either. There’s nothing really drawing me to that kind of project.

Does the way girls dress matter to guys? Do guys really pay attention to that? I’m 19, in college and at the moment all I wear are music related t-shirts, jeans and sneakers lol I always think about how I should try to dress more girly but I know that time will come where i’ll start wearing heels and all that dressy clothes type of stuff. What do you think/feel about the ways girl dress?

To be perfectly honest, I think it depends on the girl. A hot girl is gonna be hot no matter what. Girls tend to put a lot of stake into their cloths and accessories. While men do appreciate a girl in a nice dress with her hair and make up done, let’s not kid ourselves. The same dudes will gladly hit on some girl in jeans and a t-shirt.
I think how you dress might dictate who you attract though. So, if you wanna reel in a certain kinda dude, then there are ways to dress. If you’re looking for low key guys who like music and “chilling” then I’d say you’re dressing how you need to dress. If you’re looking for dudes who are older , have decent jobs and make money, then it might be time to change the game up. But, like you said, you’re 19 so I think you’re dressing in what’s comfortable and age appropriate.
This may suck to hear but never forget being hot will always override fashion. You take a homely girl and dress her up all fancy, she still just a dressed up homely girl. It’s always funny to me when an obviously cheesy but hot girl will walk by. Girls will scowl at her and judge while every dude from every walk of life will look at her like “yup, i’d hit it”. It’s the nature of the beast, I suppose.

How low are your sexual standards?

HowLowCanYouGo
Listen, I’m not judging anyone. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But it’s a fact that every one works with their own code of ethics when it comes to who we are willing to engage with sexually. Some are extremely picky while some will literally put their dicks in anything that has a wet hole attached to it (this includes a sapping maple tree). So, I’m curious…what’s your deal?

Before getting into the polls, I’d like to explain where this comes from. To speak for myself, I’ve always been fairly picky. We all have our low moments but, overall, I’d like to think every girl I’ve slept with had something attractive about her. That said, I have tons of friends who would gladly take a lady troll from beneath a bridge and give her the business if no one else was looking. I’ve always been fascinated by these types who , it would seem, live life with no personal restrictions. It could be both fulfilling and absolutely depressing. When your dick is a anarchist, I’d imagine other aspects of your life follow suit. Like the way you eat. Or the amount of drugs you partake in. I have no scientific proof of this (never do!) but I feel that these hedonistic leanings are connected.
Now, I’m only talking about men and their habits right now. Women are a different thing altogether. When women go below their means, it could be cause the guy was really cool, really smart or just someone with a lovable personality…or they’re rich/famous/have high social status. As men, we somehow we given that gift…the gift that, in general, women are more willing to bend on looks if the insides of you are halfway decent. Don’t believe me? Walk around montreal for a day and count how many dimes you see with absolute shlubs wearing flip flops and block socks. I’m not saying that’s always the case but, compared to how dudes go, it definitely is more common. No guy has ever fucked a disgusting looking girl cause he liked her soul. Well, maybe some hippies have but they don’t count in this due to the “Free love clause of 1967”. Also, very few men fuck gross women of high status simply because they’re famous/rich/etc…Not that they wouldn’t, it just seems like society isn’t set up to work like that. While there is power in a penis (pause?), it’s not that kind of power.

All this said, I’d guess a girl regretting her hook up with a guy is way more common. This partially has to do with fucked up gender roles and things like slut shaming but also cause, if you’re a girl, many guys will often reveal themselves to be truly awful human being after you let them have sex with you. Meanwhile, the guy who fucked the bridge troll may not be proud of his actions, but he’s certainly not losing any sleep over it. Even after being berated by his friends for doing it, it’s still all “Oh, bob! You’re crazy for that one!” while a group of girls will make their friend who fucked a disgusting guy feel like she betrayed them personally with her actions.

So, I got two polls. One for the bros and one for hoes. Keep in mind, I just whipped these up so , surely, i’m missing some point of views. Just vote for the one closest to your own. Also, it’s anonymous so lying kinda defeats the purpose. Also, because this isn’t a black and white thing, there is a option of picking multiple things. You can pick up to 3 different choices in each poll.
How low do you go?
For the fellas!

For the ladies!

Demo Reviews vol. 26

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Hello. Welcome to that thing where you send me demos and I tell you what I think. I had a few people complain to me last time I did these for being too harsh of a critic. To those people, I will remind you that I’m very honest about my expectations for these demos and anyone sending me their demo should be well aware there is a 90% chance they will not be hearing a positive review. That said, I try to be fair and honest. It’s not my fault that demos, in general, kinda suck. It’s the nature of the beast yall!
Anyway, to people asking when they can submit demos, it will be soon. I’ll probably open up the floodgates sometime in the next two weeks. Please don’t submit before then. If you do, I will ignore them. Keep an eye out for my announcement on all my social networks.

Okay, slight format change this week. So I was about 3/4’s done with writing these reviews out when something happened and I lost the entire entry. Needless to say, I’m pretty annoyed cause , no offense, it’s not like listening to most of these demo’s is a great joy. Because of this, I’ll be writing all of this weeks reviews in Bullet points with no number ratings. Just to be concise. My apologies to the people I’m reviewing this week if you feel short changed but there’s simply no way I’m rewriting all the shit I just wrote. Also, my number ratings are bullshit anyway…so that shouldn’t be a big deal.

Artist: Kid Squid
Song: Hungry


1)Kept waiting for more drums to drop
2)Cool sounds that fit the mood.
3)Although it is nuanced, It goes nowhere.
4)Sounds like music that would be perfect for the background of a cinemax movie , during a scene where two people are breaking into a safe, right before they have sex in said safe.

Artist: Juicy Karkass
Song: Viking Song


1)Viking rap…who knew?
2)The beat has good elements but it’s also pretty amateurish.
3)Sounds like something a wacky student might rap in front of his high school class while studying vikings.
4)Not much desire to hear it again but I do give credit for it being weird.
5)He’s no Sir Jarlsberg when it comes to pulling off raps as a man from a different era.

Artist:Stanley Ipkuss
Song: Royal Flush


1) This sounds like a late 90’s/early 2000’s indie rap record. Like Literally like it. So much so that i think someone is fucking with me.
2)seriously, this was not recorded in the last 10 years, right?
3)Regardless the beat is like a second rate primo track but still listenable.
4)the rapper is perfectly fine but, ultimately, sounds like endless other rappers who put out 12” records in the indie rap hey day.

Artist:Seoul Technique
Song: Manipulated Dreams


1)Sounds like “Respiration”. Not that he sampled the same thing, just a similar vibe.

2)It could use a rapper on it as it doesn’t change enough to really be a song.
3)The end part is really good. I like the switch up.
4)A little more tinkering and additional parts and this would be stellar.

Artist: Blast Famous
Song: Famous Grande


1)Two parody tracks in one week! Lucky me!
2)It works cause both guys are capable rappers. That’s crucial when making rap parody.
3)It’s like a mix between “Fast life” By Nas and Az, Camp lo and Roc Marciano but way less good than all those things.

4)Pretty enjoyable , even if it does lack replay value.

Artist: The Tom Bombadil
Song:My aquarium lives…


1)If this is all samples, it’s kinda bullshit cause it’s clearly just someone looping different parts of the same song.
2)If this is something that was composed and played by the artist, it’s far more impressive. even though it sounds like a kenny G backing track at times.
3)The drums are pretty bad. considering the lush instrumentation ,some heavier drums would help this track out immensely.

Artist: Gold Metal
Song: Mosquito Spray


1)Not my cup of tea, genre wise.
2)Sounds like a mix of “Rockit” by Herbie Hancock, “Was dog a doughnut” By Cat Stevens and a really shitty synth.


3)It goes from danceable to kinda emo pool hall music. Don’t know who it’s aimed at.
4)I’ve made my share of sad yet danceable music but , due to the synth based nature, I feel like it lacks the emotion to carry both parts equally. Some tinkering would help make these two moods connect better.

Artist: A Crystal Shard
Song: Inside outside (Feat. Average G)



1)Jazzzzyyyyy
2)I like the rapper at points. He has a few rough parts though. Not off beat or anything, just lazy.
3)I can’t help but think the blending of genre’s like this has not only been done to death but it’s kinda corny.
4)Still, well executed for what it is. I could see this being huge in Amsterdam.

Artist: Cornelius The Third
Song:Big Bad Wolf


1)Even though he’s got issues, I kinda like the rapper. He’s got a cool personality and voice, as flawed as he may be technically.
2)The beat and how it’s mixed is pretty sloppy.
3)Very demo-ish…but I suppose why we’re here, right?
4)This dude could be REALLY good with some refining and better beats. Scum bag rapz done well.

Artist: Digitalfel
Song: 128 feat. Abraham Dankin


1)I like the beat. Dope loops. Great vibe.
2)The drums are a little weak but it may just be the mix.
3)The vocals are mixed too low. That makes me feel like the rappers are super forgettable but, honestly, it may just be the mix. It makes them sound weaker than they are.
4)Well put together song, mixing issues aside.

Which Demo do you like the most?

Tim and I discuss music and stuff vol. 36

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This week, Tim AKA Alaska and I talk about the music of $keletor GI Joe, JJAMZ, and it is revealed that I obviously never listened to the second Onyx album that much. Sorry guys…sue me. I know every word to “Black Vagina Finder” and “Suckin’ da Next Nigguz Dick” though so cut me some slack.
http://www.syffal.com/skeltor-gi-joe-jjamz