What’s up. it’s time once again for most peoples favorite column on my blog (and some peoples most loathed column): Fuck/Marry/Kill.
You know the rules. You know this is all in jest (so, please, don’t take any of this seriously). Last time I did it, I did the all “non-human” version but this week, we’re back to the basics. You may have to google a few names here (I sure as hell did) but , hey, that’s how we learn things.
If you got any good ideas for who I should fuck/marry/kill next, leave them in the comments below. All I ask is that you be creative. They can be anyhting really except men and people like Lady GaGa, Kreayshawn, Katy Perry, Zooey Deschanel and Madonna cause they have all been done to death. Step it up a little.
Let’s start of with a nice palette cleanser…
F/M/K:J. Lo, Salma Hayek, Sofia Vergara (now)
Marry: Salma Hayek
This is a brutally tough decision. All three of these women have not only aged amazingly but they’re proof that latin don’t be crackin’. Just kidding bout that last part. Latin cracks like a motherfucker but these three have amazing genes and trainers.
Maybe I’m just sentimental but Salma had a profound effect on me when I first saw her. That effect? She gave me a boner in a movie theater. Doesn’t sound like much but I was on a platonic date with a female friend and we were seeing “Desperado”. It was just, awkward. Luckily for me, she apparently felt the same way about Antonio Banderas.
Anyway, Salma has pretty much been the end all for me. Sure, she’s getting up there in years but she still looks great. It’s not wonder she only marries billionaires. It’s cause she got that billionaire vagina.
Listen. We’re splitting hairs here. J-lo looks incredible nowadays.
I don’t know how many virgins she sacrificed or how many placenta she eats a day but , whatever she’s doing, it’s working. That said, I had to make the tough call here and dead her. Why? Well…she’s a fucking cornball. Yup. I choose to end her over her personality. Pretty forward thinking of me. All I’ve heard about her for her entire career is that she’s a power starved asshole. After a while, you hear the same thing about one person enough it’s hard to deny that it’s probably true. So, I’m basically killing her over 8th generation gossip but it’s better than having no reason at all.
Fuck: Sofia Vergara
I choose Sofia to make sweet love to cause I can’t not choose her. Of the three, her english seems the most suspect, so marrying her might be a problem. I’m not gonna kill her cause, well, she’s not J-Lo. But, beyond all that, she’s insanely hot. This is a win/win/murder for me. I’ll also add that, at times, Vergara does look a very tiny bit masculine. Like she’d be one of those REALLY good Transexual hookers. I’ve seen some around my way that could fool anyone. Still, I’d have sex with her gladly. Don’t even know why I bought that last part up. In fact, let’s just pretend I didn’t.
F/M/K:Emma Goldman, Bonnie Parker, Gloria Steinem
Marry: Bonnie Parker
Man…I wish I could marry the movie version of her. Anyway…Still, I’ll take the old timey real life version of her. What do you need in a marriage? Loyalty. Commitment. Trust. Well, Mrs. Parker got that shit on lock. Sure, you might end up riddled with bullets but at least i’d go out like a soldier.
The thing about this pick is that, even in the make believe world this game exists in, I feel like she wouldn’t fuck me. But, hey, I make the rules here. Why would I choose her? Well, if I can be completely shallow, she was pretty hot when she was younger. But, beyond that, the thought of fucking Gloria Steinem is so out of the realms of reality that it’s actually kind of exciting. The down side is that, if it were to happen, from then on , every time someone would accuse me of being a sexist asshole on the internet I might be like “sexist? listen, I fucked Gloria Steinem!” which is kinda like a racist telling you about that one black guy she fucked in college.
I had to google this one. Two pics came up. Her old and her young. Her young was a cute, crazy eyed looking hipster. Her old was what Large marge from “Pee wee’s big adventure” sees in her own nightmares. So, I went with the earlier years for the above pic.
Turns out she’s an anarchist. That’s cool and all but I find those types of people care way too much about shit I don’t even think about. I feel like being around her and her people would be exciting for a fleeting moment then I’d be like “so, wait…you wanna burn what building down tonight? Can’t we just stay home and play card or something?”. So, I’m just killing her out of a distinct need to not want to partake with all her anarchist dealings. Not even cause I disagree with them but more cause I’m lazy and not motivated by injustice.
F/M/K Barbara Carrera, Asia Carrera and Tia Carrere (in their prime)
Marry: Tia Carrere
If you’re my age, “Wayne’s world” was kind of a big deal for you when you were younger. I doubt it’s aged well but , back then, I loved that shit. Part of that love is a strong teenaged lust aimed at Tia Carrere. She was one of the first asian girls you would really see in movies and on TV. So this was before all the white creeps in the world decided that asian girls were the end all of wifey material. I say that to remove myself from that group. Asian girls are hot…but dudes who specifically love them and only them are loser creeps. I’m marrying her for sentimental reasons and not cause I have a weird relationship with my own penis and hate women who have opinions. (not saying asian women don’t have opinions, just saying dudes that specifically date them and only them often seem to think they don’t and are attracted to that quality)
Fuck: Asia Carrera
I’d imagine this is a name that you either know of you don’t. If you watched porn in 90’s, you know it well. I LOVED me some Asia Carrera back in the day. She was a really good actress cause my teenaged brain legit thought she was one of those girls who actually enjoyed her work. Sure, I’m pretty sure that was me just hoping but sometimes that glimmer of a possibility is what separates a great porn star from a hot girl who is reluctantly having sex on film.
This was so long ago, they named the asian porn star “Asia” cause that name hadn’t been taken yet. How cool is that? It’s like wrestling in the early 80’s when any person of a non-white race would automatically have their entire personality based on that race. Ah…the good/terrible old days.
Also, she’s a pro. So there’s that too.
Kill: Barbara Carrera
Honestly, I had to google her. Still not sure what she does. She looks like an old model. Well..Sorry. She’s certainly a beautiful women but I don’t have any fond memories of her like I do the others to cling on to. Also, much like Sofia Vergara, she had a touch of manliness to her. I mean, sure, I’m digging deep for reasons to kill her in this predicament but that’s kinda what you have to do when playing the game “Fuck/marry/kill”. Without “kill”, it’s not the same game.
F/M/K – BASKETBALL, PORN, SANDWICHES
Oh, sweet, sweet basketball. This one works in multiple ways cause I enjoy basketball on so many levels. For one, I play it all the time and it’s my main source of exercise. I need that in my life. Secondly, I love watching it. So it’s a constant source of entertainment when I’m not actually partaking in it. Thirdly, I play and obsess over fantasy basketball. Half the year I’m getting side eyed eye rolls from my girlfriend cause I’m glued to my computer like a crack fiend watching stat tracker tell me when Roy Hibbert gets another rebound. And finally, it’s a discussion piece amongst my friends and I. We could talk basketball for hours. So, you add all those things together and I’d throw a ring on that bitch no question.
This would be tough. I love sandwiches. I eat them all the time. The reason I’m killing them is because, unlike porn and basketball, they’re not a necessity. There are tons of other foods out there that I love. So many, in fact, that I guess I could give up sandwiches for ever if I had to. I mean , shit, you gluten allergic motherfuckers do it all the time and I don’t even think gluten allergies is a real thing. The bottom line is there would still be enjoyable food in life without sandwiches. Meanwhile, no sport could replace basketball for me and no masturbation aid could replace porn. So, I gotta do what I gotta do here. Even though a little part of me would die inside to give them up. It would kinda be like the ending of Old Yeller. RIP GURLLLLL.