Answers for questions Vol. 148


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What’s crackin’,
I hope you had a lazy august week of doing nothing in particular. If not, tough break bro! Life’s a bitch.
Anyway, if you’ve got questions for me, send them my way. Either leave them in the comments below or email them to me at Phatfriendblog@gmail.com.
This weeks questions have a certain feel to them. More random than usual and all over the place in general. Still, I’m sure you will learn a lot by reading them. That’s why we’re all here anyway, right?

If you were on death row, what would your last meal consist of?

That’s a tough call cause I’m very much an eater who doesn’t have a favorite food. It all depends on what I feel like. But I also have to take into consideration that I’m on death row. I know I’m about to die and I probably wouldn’t be super hungry. In fact, I’d imagine my stomach would be in knots in this scenario. So , if I’m ordering food at that moment, I’d probably end up getting a bagel or something. I’d imagine it would be like eating the day after a stomach flu. You gotta tread lightly before you can bust out the heavy stuff again. So, sadly, I’d get a toasted bagel with butter and probably not finish it cause I’d be shitting pants all day in fear and anxiety of my upcoming demise.

There are certain visual signs that indicate a lack of proper hygiene that we can ALL be guilty of as human beings. But apply the following to WOMEN only. Which of the following offends your eye set from greatest to least (please rank in that order)?

a) yellow teeth
b) greasy hair
c) noticeably visible whitehead (anywhere)
d) ear wax
e) visible blackheads on the nose
f) dirt under fingernails
g) hair in places there shouldn’t be hair (interpret that how you will)
h) that white crud on the corner of the mouth
i) eye crusties


Worst to least worst:
1)dirt under fingernails
This isn’t as bad as some of the others on the surface but it’s more telling. A girl with dirty fingernails has given up on life. If her fingernails look like that, imagine the travesty that is her vagina.
2)Yellow Teeth
I just equate that with bad breath and that shit is a deal breaker.
3) hair in places there shouldn’t be hair
No guy likes a Sasquatch. Luckily, this kind of thing is easily fixed but a girl that lets it run wild has issues.
4)that white crud on the corner of the mouth

If this is a constant thing with her, that’s a problem. That’s something coma patients worry about, not girls who have access to mirrors.
5)greasy hair
The thing about greasy hair is that it could just look moist. I can’t tell. But if it smells, that’s an issue.
6)Eye crusties
Like the white crud in the mouth thing, it’s gross. but it’s also fixed with simply wiping your eyes. It’s not like eye boogers regenerate with great speed.
7)noticeably visible whitehead (anywhere)
Everyone gets pimples. They go away. Anyone who is signing off on a girl over a pimple is a dickhead. Though a face full of zits is a major issue. especially for adults.
8)visible blackheads on the nose
I honestly don’t even really notice blackheads. Even when they are on me.

Who is your man-crush? And why?

Simon rex AKA dirt nasty. Love that dude. He’s funny, ridiculous and seemingly has the greatest life of all time. He’s a little famous and probably has money but also can fly under the radar enough to not have it bother his life. Every girl wants to bone him and he just seems like a chill dude in general. I respect that. He pretty much spends his days making vines, chilling with his boys, probably doing some drugs and hanging out with insanely hot women. I don’t know if I have a man crush on him as much as I just am jealous of his life…but, when you remove attraction from the equation, what else could I possibly base this off of?

if you had one day to live, what would you do with it?
Rape and murder, most likely.
Nah. This is a lot like the first question in that , hypothetically, I could give you a list of bullshit but, in reality, if this was a real thing, I’d be freaking out all day and waiting to die. Put it this way. Sometimes I have to get on incredibly early flights which mean, the night before, I have to go to bed super early. What inevitably happens the night prior to the flight is that I over think my sleep, get anxious about missing my alarm and I end up pulling an all-nighter. Now, if I’m bugging over something as trivial as missing a flight, imagine how my brain would pretty much explode if I knew this was the last day on the planet? I’m pretty sure I’d spend it with friends and family but be a complete basket case. No fun for anyone.

This dude sent in a bunch of rapid fire questions…Let’s burn through them.

1 – favorite r kelly single? video?
Song:

Video:

2 – whats the gem album of the last few years that you tried to get people to dig/listen to but they didn’t get into it for whatever reason?

I don’t really have friends I share music with like that any more. We’re all old and most of them don’t really give a fuck anymore. I can’t think of an album I liked that I actively tried putting anyone I actually know on to, let alone that they then rejected. I will say that I was underwhelmed by the reaction to T.shirt when I posted about him on my blog. That dude is dope.

3 – y2k hits. where are you living? how are you living? are you enjoying yourself? working your ass off? not enough hours in the day or couldn’t sleep enough no matter how hard you tried?

Is this question based in the past? I was alive and well in 2000. Working in a bakery 3 days a week and pretty much just fucking around with friends. I was making music but not making any money off it at that time. This question makes no sense, bro.

4 – blackstreet; thoughts?

They had a few joints but I’ve never owned a post 1980’s R&B album except for D’angelo and Frank ocean.

5 – favorite brand of headphones?

I’m not really a connoisseur of fine head phones. I pretty much use these shitty sony ear buds when I walk around with my I-pod and , in the studio, I prefer to use speakers.

6 – favorite joke that have withheld from meetings with your girlfriends parents?

Pretty much every joke. Who busts out jokes to their girlfriends parents?
Even if a I had a really good,clean one…why the fuck would I ever do that?

7 – top 3 things you are constantly forgetting/reminding yourself to do but still forget?
1)Take out the garbage 2)clean up tiny messes in the bathroom (beard hairs on the sink and stuff like that) 3)The word “pretentious” constantly slips my mind and that’s annoying cause I use it pretty often. I end up sitting there wracking my brain for the word at least twice a month.

8 – have you every had strawberry flavored whipped cream?

They make that? No. But I have had cotton candy vodka and it tasted like a willy wonka’s asshole.

9 – what is your dreamiest dessert?

I’ve been on this huge cookie kick lately. moist, warm chocolate chip cookie with a little sea salt on it , under some sort of brownie sundae type concoction would pretty much be perfect.

10 – favorite article of clothing youve ever owned? did you wear it? wear it too much? do you still own it?

I’ve had many favorite pieces of clothing over the years. unfortunately, styles change and and things fall apart so it’s hard to really say what was my favorite. Some highlights include:
1)My stetson cabbie hat. The one I wore in all my early press photos. i still own it and wear it on occasion but that was my go to for a decade.
2)My Girbaud jeans. I loved those jeans. They were so fucking baggy and awesome. Granted, I’d look like a clown in them now but , in the early/mid 90’s? I was killing it in them.
3)I had these baggy corduroy pants my freshman year of college that I loved. I wore them so much that they bottoms got completely frayed and they pretty much looked like shredded mops at the bottom of my legs. I loved those though.

Can you please depict how excited you are for the arrival of the royal baby? Please utilize examples of things you are more excited about than the arrival of the royal baby.

Obviously, this question was asked a while back and I’m just getting to it now. But, regardless, here are a list of things I’m more excited about than the birth of the royal baby:
1) Mild curiosity about when the new season of “The new girl” begins.
2)The prospect of a new Mcdonalds opening up about five blocks from my house. I’ll never go but it will be there and that’s a little more exciting than that baby to me.
3)Killing a silverfish.
4)Finishing that bag of baby carrots in my fridge before they go bad.
5)Getting a good nights sleep one of these days.
6)School coming back so the YMCA I go to will no longer be filled with fucking kids who have nothing to do but ruin my pick up basketball games.
7)I’m going to a birthday party in Queens next weekend. I’m more excited for that but, I’m also more excited about the drive there, which will be totally boring.
8)Eventually half watching a bunch of mediocre movies on cable in the near future.
9)Candy crush
10)Everything else on earth.

If you had to run for any U.S political office what would it be? As president you get the prestige of being the face/voice of the country, as VP you get to be important and have people bend over backwards for you without really doing much, as a member of congress you get to make a living off of being an asshole, as a local representative of sorts you get a little more power/money than the average person, therefor opening the door for some sexy mistresses. Obviously, this is so not real life. You’re not a political guy and because of that, imagining you in office is humorous in a way.

I’d take the one with the least responsibility. I have no interest in running anything so president, vice president and being in congress is out. I guess I’d be an alderman. I don’t even know what that it but it sounds like something I could do part-time and kinda bullshit my way though. It’s like being a “class president”. It’s more a title of fake prestige than anything of real value.

12 thoughts on “Answers for questions Vol. 148

    • I’ve actually answered this one before a while back. It was when I saw a pool hall get shot up when I was 15, followed by 9/11, followed by being robbed at gun point.

  1. I laughed in public today while reading your answer to the baby question.
    ESPECIALLY to this: 4)Finishing that bag of baby carrots in my fridge before they go bad.

    Yes, aha. Never thought bout that before but FUCK that open bag of baby carrots that I have seen in the back of my fridge a million plus times. I’m never gonna buy those stupid fuckers ever again. And it always happens the same way – I know they aren’t real carrots, but I’ll buy them when I get groceries and need a convenient snack. And I’ll eat a few right away but then back to the fridge they go. And whenever I remember and see them I go ” should I eat these right now with my meal before they go bad?,” but then I’ll go “nah, they’re still fresh, I’ll just eat them another time.” But I never ever get around to it bc eating the rest of that bag seems like the boring/mundane thing to eat ever. So eventually they go bad, and I end up throwing out this half-frozen bag of carrot mush into the garbage. Never fails. Every time.

    and yeah, wow holy shit, what I just wrote has to mos def represent THE epitome of the logic behind those “first world/white girl/royal baby problems” type of memes (etc.) Well played, sir.

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