Demo Reviews vol. 29

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Welcome back to your bi-weekly look into what kinda music people are making in their bedrooms nowadays.I asked people to send me demos to review (I also warned them of the good chance I might not like what I’m gonna hear) and this is what they gave me. If you have a demo you wanna send me, I’m afraid the doors are closed on submissions. I got enough to last me a for a while. When it is time for more, I will surely let you know via all of my many social networks.
The reviews work like so:
I do a brief write up of what I think and then rate the songs on a scale of 1-10 in these categories:
Production
Vocals
Listenability
Originality

To be honest, I wouldn’t take the number ratings too seriously. They’re pretty arbitrary and most people get between a 4 and 5 in general. I’m just saying, I do them cause people like to have numbers assigned to their art work. I feel you, guys.
Anyway, here’s this weeks batch…

Artist: Double b
Song:Thunder and devouring fire


This is ultimately decent but there’s nothing about it that stands out to me. The drums are okay. I’m not crazy about the main clav (?) part as a riff, especially to base the entire song around. Though, the way he fucks with it towards the end is kinda cool. It’s not badly put together or anything. It just doesn’t really evolve into anything that would have me coming back and listening again.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:N/A
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist::ShakySuperfly
Song:Mini-boss


That was a spastic little journey but packed a lot in just a minute plus. Listening to this, I feel as though it may be over my head. It’s crazy (in a good way). Tight little edits with seemingly tons of different sounds jammed together. It works well. So, while it’s not for me personally, I could definitely see some serious edm music nerd types losing their mind to this. Definitely high originality points on this one.
Production:6 out of 10
Vocals: N/A
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:7 out of 10

Artist: Firth
Song:Rise


I’m familiar with making some minimal music and sitting back thinking “Will this translate to the listener?”. It’s always a risk but , when it works, it’s really great. So, while I do respect where this guy’s coming from, this is one of those cases where the minimalism just doesn’t work. This isn’t difficult to listen to or obnoxious in any way…it’s just boring. And that’s the problem with minimalism when it misses.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals: N/A
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: 82 rex
Song: Landfill noise


You ever see a girl who’s like one tweaked chromosome away from being insanely beautiful? That’s how I feel about the first rapper. He’s so close. He’s got some great qualities but it’s just not there yet. The second dude is more typical and , thus, less interesting. The production is actually kinda enjoyable. Very weeded out and, actually, a good example of minimalism working out okay. It’s certainly no great feat but it does what it needs to do for the song.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:3.5 out of 10

Artist:Qwalia
Song: Up all night


I’m not gonna lie, the second I hear a song start with that kinda of synth sound, my brain signs out a little. I don’t know why but it always leads into exactly what I think it will. This is no different. Kinda some weird euro sounding coffee shop music. This is a little more mellow than what i had in mind but the vibe is the same. But, personally, this kinda thing does nothing for me.
Production:3.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:2.5 out of 10

Artist: Dj Shikery
Song:Morning Beauty


Is it mellow coffee house music week? Jesus. Also, the second song that was submitted that features the sounds of rain. It’s not even Autumn yet guys!
Cool string loops. The drums are okay. I like how he chopped them but they sound a tiny bit thin overall. Some 808’s or other layers drums would fix that up though. This could be the demo of a beat that Common would eventually rap on about his girl or eating papaya on a beach. Either or.
All that said, it is a feel good track and, typically, that will win over any minor critiques I could throw at it.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:N/A
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist:Static Brothers
Song:Spirit hack data fiend


Oh jesus. This is a mess. The world has not been waiting for that amateur Beastie boys/El-P hybrid rap over a beat that sounds like a plane crashing. This is aggressive in spite of itself. The beat is unlistenable and the rapping is mixed low so it just sounds like someone sampled vocals and left them there as an after thought. I don’t doubt these dudes are talking about some deep shit on this track. Possibly chem-trails…maybe the illuminati. I can’t tell. My advice would be to scale back a little and master your craft a bit more before diving head first into avant garde noise rap.
Production:2 out of 10
Vocals:3 out of 10
Listenability:2 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Star crossed lovers
Song:You never will


I was not expecting this from a group called “Star crossed lovers”. I’m confused as the group is seemingly a bunch of dudes. You guys in love? That’s sweet.
This is a hyped up , “check me out!” kinda rap track. It delivers on that. Feels like a track that would work well live. The beat is slightly frantic but it works for the two rappers to just spit over. I wasn’t blown away by any of the verses but I wasn’t horrified either. Solid but also nothing special.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist:Wingspan
song:Been through it


This is a likable beat even though the drums are kinda thin. Good samples go a long way with me though. The whole vibe of the song is one that has been done many times over but that’s for a reason. The “guy rapping about his struggles/bragging over a soul sample” is nothing if not effective.
The rapper is cool but doesn’t sound fully comfortable. Kinda like he was reading the lyrics off of paper instead of just knowing them by heart.
Overall, it’s decent but very well tread territory.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:2 out of 10

Artist:Less Class
Song: Nola


Not a fan of the “breathless” style but this guy can rap pretty well. Lyrically, he’s a little corny but he’s got the right amount of confidence to even it out. Not exactly dropping any lyrical miracles but he’s solid.
The beat…is really good. I liked it the second it started. I almost feel like the drums that come in actually were a bit of a let down (something harder or even some bouncy 808 sounding shit would suited this better, in my opinion) but the sample chop is slick and the chorus guitar riff is perfect. I can’t say the producer is very polished but he definitely has a good ear for sounds.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Which demo is your favorite?

Yay or Nay: Kal Duzay

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I woke up this morning with literally nothing to write about and hangover. Shout out to El-P and Killer Mike for putting on the great show last night that led me to this hangover.
Anyway, it’s funny how the universe works. I’m sitting here on my computer doing my morning ritual of perusing the net while, at the same time, somewhat frantically looking for blog content. Well, like a gift from the gods, I happen upon a new rapper who sounds very promising (Shout out to Ardumus over at Philaflava for putting me on).
Kal Duzay is a Florida based MC. The first thing that jumped out to me was how polished he was. Just oozing this confidence. While florida’s list of great rappers pretty much is limited to like 5 dudes ever (no offense to underground guys I haven’t heard yet) this guy has a chance to be one of the best. I more see him going the way of more famous rappers than just remaining underground but that kinda stuff is hard to gauge. It could work either way. He’s got a keen ear for beats and can clearly rap his ass off. So, whatever he does, that’s a great jumping point. Peep Kal Duzay:



What do you think?

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 30


What up everyone,
It’s time once again for me to give you my un-professional advice about your screwed up love lives. As always, I’m not a licensed anything but I do feel I can shoot from the hip and shed some light on most problems in the arena of love and relationships. I always need more questions so please don’t hesitate to send them to me. Everything is anonymous so this is a safe place. Send those questions to: Phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. That is also anonymous.
Oh and , by the way, I was thinking it would be cool to hear back from past question askers. Basically, a “where are they now” that shows how wrong/right my advice was. If you have written in before and asked a question that I answered, I’d love to hear back from you and see how it all turned out. All I ask is that you maybe just tell me what volume of “ask dr. Tony” I answered the question in so I can connect the dots and have it all make sense when I repost the old questions with the new updates. So, yeah…let’s hear some of those. Even if there is a risk of this exposing how bullshit my advice really is. I’m willing to take that chance.
Anyhow, here are this weeks questions:

Hey block.. I have a problem with my bf that I can sum up..he simply doesn’t trust me and I really have no idea why or what is it that I do exactly. Ive never lied to him before, but im quite an introverted person which he views as being mysterious and shady.he always tells me that trust should be earned and it isnt something that exists just like that. But I often find myself explaining myself on stupid things like why I didn’t answer the phone in the same minute I got a phone call from him or why my surrounding is quite when im out with friends..I constantly try to earn, try to explain and try to do what he wants. But no luck, this same cycle is repeating itself over and over. I know trust is the basis to any relationship. But is there any hope in here? Why is he doing that? I often mess with my own mind and cant believe hes actually like this and start thinking maybe I am the problem and dont even realize it. Would love your feedback. Thanx

Sounds to me like you’re cheating, you heartless bitch. Just kidding.
Clearly, this is all this dudes problem. He’s either highly insecure or has a history of dating girls who cheat on him or both of those things. Unless you’re omitting some very important details (things like “you’ve cheated on him before” or “when you get drunk, you get extremely flirty in a careless way” or “in the past, you have cheated and he knows it”) then I can only assume this is 100% his issue. Sounds to me like lil’ dick problems, to be honest.
I’m assuming this relationship is somewhat new cause , in most cases, if a relationship is shrouded in jealousy, it doesn’t last long. So, yeah, this one is going down the drain soon. He’s not gonna get better. You either have trust or you don’t. Tell him to go date a nun who had a hysterectomy or something cause he sounds like that may just be his personality type.

On the other side of things, if you did leave out some crucial details to why he is acting this way that point the finger at you a little more, trust is not something easily won back. In fact, I’m a believer that most people never really trust someone who’s given them reason not to. So, you know, just be honest with yourself about why he may feel this way. But , if you’ve really given him no reason to act this way, get out of that relationship as soon as possible and let him be some other poor girls problem.

So in a lot of your answers to questions you make reference to “If only I knew then what I know now” when it comes to dealing with the ladies and all the poon you missed out on. To those of us still stuck in the not knowing phase, what advice would you have? What is it exactly that you now know?

What I know is what every guy who reaches a certain age knows…when you’re young, you’re high strung. both emotionally and sexually. Everything matters intensely and that stops a lot of people from just stepping back and looking at things in a more relaxed manner. Basically, you care too much about stuff that , in the larger scheme of things, doesn’t really matter. It’s mostly youthful insecurity and not really understanding human interactions. We all get more socially tuned as we get older. Granted, some people become mole like in their social lives but that’s mostly cause they don’t like what they see and want to avoid it all costs. But, still, even with those types, there is a particular kind of wisdom they have that comes with growing older.
The other day I was having a talk with a friend. He recently broke up with his girlfriend and now he’s back on the scene. He’s my age but tends to be around lots of younger girls (early/mid 20’s). We discussed that how, at this point our lives, talking to a 24 year old girl is really easy. Mostly cause we’ve been through more things and literally know more than them. If a 35 year old guy has designs on a 24 year old girl, you attack that from a totally different angle that someone her own age. They is no urgency and they hide their thirst way better. Cause we learn that, in reality, it’s not that big of a deal. It happens. It doesn’t happen. The “I could take or leave it” brand of talking to women is shockingly effective. This translates to dealing with women of all ages. When you’re a real adult (I’m not talking about a technical adult) you approach situations as one. There’s no advice I can really give you that will turn your college party ass game into an air tight pussy getting machine. That’s not how it works. That’s the kinda thing you either have or don’t. I’ve met plenty of young dudes who have no problem getting girls. But the difference between that and simply getting older is pretty big. I don’t know what it is. A certain serenity washes over you and you just get more comfortable in your own skin. Most people in their early and mid 20’s spend that time still figuring our who they are and what they’re about. But the time you reach 30, that starts to be much clearer. And that clarity reflects on everything you do. So, even though those young dudes may be bagging girls at an incredible rate, they’re still pretty much flying by the seat of their pants.
The whole “If I knew then what I knew now” mind set comes from an impossible place. Sure, if my 36 year old brain popped into my 18 year old head, I’d get an unbelievable amount of vagina. but that’s cause I’d be dealing with the minds of children while I had the mind of an adult. It would be creepy. The fact of the matter is, there’s no short list of things I could tell you that will change how you act. That’s just your age.
So, my advice? Get older, bro.

I’ll try to make this short, but no promises. It may be a more ‘Dr. tony’ question but here it is.
My ex and I dated for 2 years, after courting her for about 8 months. I wasn’t the best boyfriend, I was a serious drug addict and it affected our relationship because she want to do what I was doing. It didn’t end terrible but it wasn’t even close to ok. Three months before we broke up, she dropped the bomb that she was moving to England. I’d already looked at rings, and I thought my search was done. When she dropped the bomb, my drinking and drug use went out of control. When I was sober I could understand, she was going to see family she had never seen and I was determined to make the best out of our time together. But then I would get real fucked up and be the biggest dick ever, I almost couldn’t help it, it felt like she was leaving me behind and it meant nothing to her. Granted if I was sober I could have. But I wasn’t and my actions were my actions. It’s been two years since she left, and since then I had only fucked girls until they wanted something more and then I moved on. About four months ago I got to the point where i thought i could dat again. And about 3 months after that i saw this girl at a bar I frequent about 4 times a week, more or less. We got introduced by a mutual friend that night. I got her number but I’m the worst texter in the world, so I found out through mutual friends where she goes. So I went to her bar and she was the first person I saw and we talked for forever and she invited me and my friend to her place afterwards. So of course we went. And we stayed up till 8 in the morning just talking and then went to sleep together. No sex, no anything, just sleep. We have been seeing each other 5 nights a week ever since, and the encounter at her bar was about a month ago. The funny thing is, I made her wait to have sex. She wanted it bad, but I told her I didn’t want to complicate things so early. I really liked her and in all my experience sex makes things complicated. I wasn’t able to hold out long, but I wanted to know her better before sex was introduced, so I succeeded in that. 11 days of constant hanging out, and me telling her it wasn’t time before it happened. I’ll throw in that I don’t do drugs anymore, just drink and occasionally smoke weed. I really like her, she’s 3 years older and I feel like I’m in a good place to be there for her. I had forgotten what it felt like to be happy, and she blows my mind everyday. I guess if there is a question in all of this I just want to hear your sage advice. I know you don’t know it all and it’s kinda hard to explain but I’m finally in a place where I feel comfortable being myself around her, we are both extremely honest with each other, and I care about her alot. I can’t drop love in there cause its way too early, but she makes me feel like me again. And it’s been years since I felt like this. I just want to hear your opinion. Thanks man.

Umm…Thanks for not making this long.
I’m kinda confused as to why you even wrote me this. Sounds like you want a pat on the back for making a girl you like wait to have sex. Congrats! You win the “I made a girl wait 11 days to have sex prize”.
My opinion on this is it sounds like cycle of all human relationships with added drugs in the past. That sucks what happened with your ex who moved to England but, hey, things happen. People come in and out of each others lives all the time. All you can do is chalk up those kinda things as fond/terrible memories/experiences and move on. As for the new girl, sounds like you like her. My only thoughts on this are that you need to remain off drugs if you want any relationship to work. I don’t know what kinda drunk you are but most people who go to bars 5 days a week are alcoholics. So, just saying, you might wanna get that in check. Especially if she is there with you. Sounds like two co-dependant drunks in love. Which is fine until it isn’t. Basically, just be careful. Make sure the thing bonding you two isn’t just your similar lifestyles and your place in life cause there are few things more depressing than a couple of drunk assholes in love. Well, cokeheads in love are pretty terrible too.

Dr. Tony,
Sorry, like most of these damn posts, this will probably be lengthy.Ok, so, I wanna fuck my boss. I mean, I have this hugely inappropriate crush on him. We are close in age (In our 20s) and he has all of the criteria that I look for in a man. I’ve been single for over a year and haven’t been interested in many guys, but my boss just has this “it” factor. I’m not even sure if “boss” is the correct term by the way, but he’s superior to me at work anyway. Now, I wanna point out that this isn’t a gold-digging slut type of thing, people in our office aren’t raking in that much cash. Also, for reference, this is a professional office not some, like, Pizza Hut, in which case I’d be way more inclined to pursue my boss. From what I’m told though, there is no “official” rule about dating within the office but it’s just one of those unspoken, sorta taboo things.
My problem is that I can’t decide whether it’s okay to attempt to pursue or if I should just try to let the “crush” pass. Man, I hate using the word crush, it makes me feel like I’m in middle school. Anyway, if it’s truly a lost cause then I could really use advice on how to get over the crush so I’m not fantasizing what he looks like naked anymore while I’m at work.
He’s fairly new to the office so I suppose it’s a fair statement to say we are still getting to know each other as co-workers…but I really do like the person that he is for whatever it’s worth. Occasionally, I feel as if he may find me attractive. He’s definitely stared at my tits before, he smiles every time I walk into the room, when I asked for his phone number he gave it to me without me even explaining it was for in case there was a work issue (I haven’t contacted him out of work though and he just could have easily assumed I meant for work stuff), and, in general, he’s just extremely nice with me. I understand he could easily just be a friendly guy, though.
I’ve always been under the impression, though, that if a guy is into you then shit like being your boss, doesn’t get in the way. However, I could be misinformed considering the majority of guys that ask me out are usually cocky assholes at the bar. I guess this is a whole new ball game for me and so I’m really not sure what to think but it’s driving me crazy how much I like him.
He doesn’t know that I like him at this point. I’m always friendly with him and I might accidently stare at him when I’m thinking of what he looks like naked at work, but I’ve never made any major moves. I’m not the best at flirting anyway and so I wouldn’t be surprised if he hasn’t caught on to my weak attempts at hinting that I kinda have a thing for him. Literally, I just kinda smile at him a lot and I’ve touched him on the shoulder a couple times when making a passing comment in a conversation…which in my mind is supposed to be cute or some shit. I texted him once about work, asking about a project and then thanking him for helping me on a project the night before. When I thanked him I also told him that he looked nice that night but he completely ignored that part of the text when he replied. I was like DENIED…but I realize it was a half-ass excuse for flirting to start with.
Now, like a typical woman, I’ve come up with a few reason why he hasn’t been flirting with me. Perhaps you can tell me if any of these reasons are valid. Honestly though, I fully admit that he probably just has no intention of flirting with me and I’ll eventually have to just get over the crush, haha, but anyway…first off, of course, he’s my boss. As stated before, it’s “taboo” within the office so perhaps he doesn’t want to risk that, plus it’s a risk in general dating someone you work with in case it doesn’t work out. Second, as I also stated, he hasn’t been at the office very long. Being that we haven’t known each other for that long, perhaps he wants to see the kind of person I am more, first. Also, he could easily think that I have no interest in him because I haven’t been explicit on how I feel. I’ve also thought that maybe he’s just a pussy. He doesn’t have any kind of “agressor” type personality. He gives off a little bit of a nerdy vibe, but in a cute way to me. Finally, our office is contractual, we work on this project until November when it’s over. He’s living here for the project so he may not stay past November and perhaps that’s why he’d not be interested in starting up anything right now. Most likely though, he probably just sees me as another co-worker. I get that, but a girl can dream.
I’ve thought about asking him to get a drink or something, since he’s from out of town and doesn’t know the area…so I thought I could lead with that as sorta a “you-don’t-know-anyone-here-or-what-there-is-to-do-here” type thing, but I’m definitely too scared to actually ask. Being rejected would, of course, suck. So, where I could use help from you is, first off, just general insight on the situation. Second, if this is a lost cause, do you have suggestions of how to get over the crush? Finally, if it’s worth any kind of shot, what would be a better way to flirt-with or approach him? I’m not a bad looking girl but, being that I’m fairly young and have only had one long relationship (4 years), within the past year of being single I’ve realized that I have zero game. Please help! Thanks, Block!

Man, that could have literally been one paragraph long and I’d give you the same answer. Brevity, people!

Reasons why he might not be into this:
1)He’s taken (is that possible? it’s funny that that is the one thing you failed to imagine as a reality)
2)He doesn’t shit where he eats
3)He’s not into you like that
4)He’s not trying to rock the boat at work and make anything weird for the future

It could be one or all of those things. The only interesting point about this all is that you said your job in contractual. The whole idea of coming to a strange city, working a few months and then bouncing seems like a perfect storm for a hook up. It also makes things easy for you cause, if it does’t go well, then he’s leaving soon anyway and the embarrassment will be brief. The way I see it, you have very little to lose if you are proactive at the right time. Your “Take him out for a drink” idea is fine. A little social lubrication never hurt anyone and I’m sure your overt flirting game will be pretty transparent to him and he will react accordingly.
One thing though, do you want to date this dude or just have sex with him? Cause if you have deeper feelings and think you wanna take this farther, then I’d say don’t even bother. He’s not gonna be there permanently so you’re pretty much just setting yourself up for disappointment. This can really only work as a sexual thing.
So, if it turns out he’s not into you…life goes on. Hopefully no one at work saw it happen but whatever. You’re young. You will recover.
As far as getting over a crush…that’s kinda like getting over a cold. As much as I could fill your head with bullshit home remedies, the only thing that really fixes that (or any emotion really) is time. The cool thing about unanswered crushes is that they always leave the door open a little so it’s something you can think about forever but not in a wistful way. Perhaps you’ll meet this dude again down the line in life and things will work out. With a crush, that could happen. But , if you’re a person who’d rather know the cold facts, I’d say you gotta take the reins a little. Just remember, as a girl, your “game” isn’t that important. You just have to send out some subtle clues to the dude and, if he’s interested, he will likely pick up on them. If he’s one of those shy guys, it’ll be harder and you will have to be less subtle but, in the end, if he’s in to you, he’ll help it happen in some fashion.
One last thing, when he didn’t respond to your flirty text that was one of two things:
1)He was being professional.
2)he’s not interested.

In both cases, I gotta say, that was not a positive outcome for you as both those reasons point to a dead end. That small detail makes me think he’s not into it but, hey, I could be totally wrong.
Godspeed.

Tim and I discuss music and stuff vol. 41

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This week Tim AKA Alaska and I discuss the videos of Spark Master tape, Exodus and Yaggfu front. In typical me and Tim fashion we disagree on a bunch of things but also find a little time to hold hands and smile knowingly at each other in agreement.
http://www.syffal.com/spark-master-tape-john-river-shannon#.UgpkE6kKHM4.twitter

Answers for questions Vol. 148

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What’s crackin’,
I hope you had a lazy august week of doing nothing in particular. If not, tough break bro! Life’s a bitch.
Anyway, if you’ve got questions for me, send them my way. Either leave them in the comments below or email them to me at Phatfriendblog@gmail.com.
This weeks questions have a certain feel to them. More random than usual and all over the place in general. Still, I’m sure you will learn a lot by reading them. That’s why we’re all here anyway, right?

If you were on death row, what would your last meal consist of?

That’s a tough call cause I’m very much an eater who doesn’t have a favorite food. It all depends on what I feel like. But I also have to take into consideration that I’m on death row. I know I’m about to die and I probably wouldn’t be super hungry. In fact, I’d imagine my stomach would be in knots in this scenario. So , if I’m ordering food at that moment, I’d probably end up getting a bagel or something. I’d imagine it would be like eating the day after a stomach flu. You gotta tread lightly before you can bust out the heavy stuff again. So, sadly, I’d get a toasted bagel with butter and probably not finish it cause I’d be shitting pants all day in fear and anxiety of my upcoming demise.

There are certain visual signs that indicate a lack of proper hygiene that we can ALL be guilty of as human beings. But apply the following to WOMEN only. Which of the following offends your eye set from greatest to least (please rank in that order)?

a) yellow teeth
b) greasy hair
c) noticeably visible whitehead (anywhere)
d) ear wax
e) visible blackheads on the nose
f) dirt under fingernails
g) hair in places there shouldn’t be hair (interpret that how you will)
h) that white crud on the corner of the mouth
i) eye crusties


Worst to least worst:
1)dirt under fingernails
This isn’t as bad as some of the others on the surface but it’s more telling. A girl with dirty fingernails has given up on life. If her fingernails look like that, imagine the travesty that is her vagina.
2)Yellow Teeth
I just equate that with bad breath and that shit is a deal breaker.
3) hair in places there shouldn’t be hair
No guy likes a Sasquatch. Luckily, this kind of thing is easily fixed but a girl that lets it run wild has issues.
4)that white crud on the corner of the mouth

If this is a constant thing with her, that’s a problem. That’s something coma patients worry about, not girls who have access to mirrors.
5)greasy hair
The thing about greasy hair is that it could just look moist. I can’t tell. But if it smells, that’s an issue.
6)Eye crusties
Like the white crud in the mouth thing, it’s gross. but it’s also fixed with simply wiping your eyes. It’s not like eye boogers regenerate with great speed.
7)noticeably visible whitehead (anywhere)
Everyone gets pimples. They go away. Anyone who is signing off on a girl over a pimple is a dickhead. Though a face full of zits is a major issue. especially for adults.
8)visible blackheads on the nose
I honestly don’t even really notice blackheads. Even when they are on me.

Who is your man-crush? And why?

Simon rex AKA dirt nasty. Love that dude. He’s funny, ridiculous and seemingly has the greatest life of all time. He’s a little famous and probably has money but also can fly under the radar enough to not have it bother his life. Every girl wants to bone him and he just seems like a chill dude in general. I respect that. He pretty much spends his days making vines, chilling with his boys, probably doing some drugs and hanging out with insanely hot women. I don’t know if I have a man crush on him as much as I just am jealous of his life…but, when you remove attraction from the equation, what else could I possibly base this off of?

if you had one day to live, what would you do with it?
Rape and murder, most likely.
Nah. This is a lot like the first question in that , hypothetically, I could give you a list of bullshit but, in reality, if this was a real thing, I’d be freaking out all day and waiting to die. Put it this way. Sometimes I have to get on incredibly early flights which mean, the night before, I have to go to bed super early. What inevitably happens the night prior to the flight is that I over think my sleep, get anxious about missing my alarm and I end up pulling an all-nighter. Now, if I’m bugging over something as trivial as missing a flight, imagine how my brain would pretty much explode if I knew this was the last day on the planet? I’m pretty sure I’d spend it with friends and family but be a complete basket case. No fun for anyone.

This dude sent in a bunch of rapid fire questions…Let’s burn through them.

1 – favorite r kelly single? video?
Song:

Video:

2 – whats the gem album of the last few years that you tried to get people to dig/listen to but they didn’t get into it for whatever reason?

I don’t really have friends I share music with like that any more. We’re all old and most of them don’t really give a fuck anymore. I can’t think of an album I liked that I actively tried putting anyone I actually know on to, let alone that they then rejected. I will say that I was underwhelmed by the reaction to T.shirt when I posted about him on my blog. That dude is dope.

3 – y2k hits. where are you living? how are you living? are you enjoying yourself? working your ass off? not enough hours in the day or couldn’t sleep enough no matter how hard you tried?

Is this question based in the past? I was alive and well in 2000. Working in a bakery 3 days a week and pretty much just fucking around with friends. I was making music but not making any money off it at that time. This question makes no sense, bro.

4 – blackstreet; thoughts?

They had a few joints but I’ve never owned a post 1980’s R&B album except for D’angelo and Frank ocean.

5 – favorite brand of headphones?

I’m not really a connoisseur of fine head phones. I pretty much use these shitty sony ear buds when I walk around with my I-pod and , in the studio, I prefer to use speakers.

6 – favorite joke that have withheld from meetings with your girlfriends parents?

Pretty much every joke. Who busts out jokes to their girlfriends parents?
Even if a I had a really good,clean one…why the fuck would I ever do that?

7 – top 3 things you are constantly forgetting/reminding yourself to do but still forget?
1)Take out the garbage 2)clean up tiny messes in the bathroom (beard hairs on the sink and stuff like that) 3)The word “pretentious” constantly slips my mind and that’s annoying cause I use it pretty often. I end up sitting there wracking my brain for the word at least twice a month.

8 – have you every had strawberry flavored whipped cream?

They make that? No. But I have had cotton candy vodka and it tasted like a willy wonka’s asshole.

9 – what is your dreamiest dessert?

I’ve been on this huge cookie kick lately. moist, warm chocolate chip cookie with a little sea salt on it , under some sort of brownie sundae type concoction would pretty much be perfect.

10 – favorite article of clothing youve ever owned? did you wear it? wear it too much? do you still own it?

I’ve had many favorite pieces of clothing over the years. unfortunately, styles change and and things fall apart so it’s hard to really say what was my favorite. Some highlights include:
1)My stetson cabbie hat. The one I wore in all my early press photos. i still own it and wear it on occasion but that was my go to for a decade.
2)My Girbaud jeans. I loved those jeans. They were so fucking baggy and awesome. Granted, I’d look like a clown in them now but , in the early/mid 90’s? I was killing it in them.
3)I had these baggy corduroy pants my freshman year of college that I loved. I wore them so much that they bottoms got completely frayed and they pretty much looked like shredded mops at the bottom of my legs. I loved those though.

Can you please depict how excited you are for the arrival of the royal baby? Please utilize examples of things you are more excited about than the arrival of the royal baby.

Obviously, this question was asked a while back and I’m just getting to it now. But, regardless, here are a list of things I’m more excited about than the birth of the royal baby:
1) Mild curiosity about when the new season of “The new girl” begins.
2)The prospect of a new Mcdonalds opening up about five blocks from my house. I’ll never go but it will be there and that’s a little more exciting than that baby to me.
3)Killing a silverfish.
4)Finishing that bag of baby carrots in my fridge before they go bad.
5)Getting a good nights sleep one of these days.
6)School coming back so the YMCA I go to will no longer be filled with fucking kids who have nothing to do but ruin my pick up basketball games.
7)I’m going to a birthday party in Queens next weekend. I’m more excited for that but, I’m also more excited about the drive there, which will be totally boring.
8)Eventually half watching a bunch of mediocre movies on cable in the near future.
9)Candy crush
10)Everything else on earth.

If you had to run for any U.S political office what would it be? As president you get the prestige of being the face/voice of the country, as VP you get to be important and have people bend over backwards for you without really doing much, as a member of congress you get to make a living off of being an asshole, as a local representative of sorts you get a little more power/money than the average person, therefor opening the door for some sexy mistresses. Obviously, this is so not real life. You’re not a political guy and because of that, imagining you in office is humorous in a way.

I’d take the one with the least responsibility. I have no interest in running anything so president, vice president and being in congress is out. I guess I’d be an alderman. I don’t even know what that it but it sounds like something I could do part-time and kinda bullshit my way though. It’s like being a “class president”. It’s more a title of fake prestige than anything of real value.

Yay or Nay: Googie

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So, here’s something that rarely happens. I was in Queens last week to see a show. Open Mike Eagle ,Billy Woods (with Elucid) and Premrock all were playing. Typically, when i go to see shows nowadays, I pretty much tend to block out all opening acts. It’s nothing personal, I just have been at and performed at so many shows in my life history has taught me to trust the odds. Odds are, the opening act is forgettable. So, I’m at the venue in queens, chilling at the bar while the opening acts play, chatting with some friends and this voice from the stage cuts through everything else. I look over and one of the opening acts (Shout outs to Sarcasmo, who bought a punk rock intensity to the rap show) had a friend rapping with him. Where i was sitting wasn’t the best spot to be deciphering lyrics but one thing was clear, this dude could flow his ass off and his voice was commanding.
After the show, we spoke briefly. His Name is Googie and he’s from New jersey. He recently did a mixtape using all beats by Pretty Lights (pretty slick idea cause his beats sound great with rapping on them). I gave it a listen and it’s pretty solid. Definitely tons of potential in this dude.


So, I ask you: What do you think?

If you want his whole mixtape:

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 26

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What’s up. it’s time once again for most peoples favorite column on my blog (and some peoples most loathed column): Fuck/Marry/Kill.
You know the rules. You know this is all in jest (so, please, don’t take any of this seriously). Last time I did it, I did the all “non-human” version but this week, we’re back to the basics. You may have to google a few names here (I sure as hell did) but , hey, that’s how we learn things.
If you got any good ideas for who I should fuck/marry/kill next, leave them in the comments below. All I ask is that you be creative. They can be anyhting really except men and people like Lady GaGa, Kreayshawn, Katy Perry, Zooey Deschanel and Madonna cause they have all been done to death. Step it up a little.
Let’s start of with a nice palette cleanser…

F/M/K:J. Lo, Salma Hayek, Sofia Vergara (now)

Marry: Salma Hayek
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This is a brutally tough decision. All three of these women have not only aged amazingly but they’re proof that latin don’t be crackin’. Just kidding bout that last part. Latin cracks like a motherfucker but these three have amazing genes and trainers.
Maybe I’m just sentimental but Salma had a profound effect on me when I first saw her. That effect? She gave me a boner in a movie theater. Doesn’t sound like much but I was on a platonic date with a female friend and we were seeing “Desperado”. It was just, awkward. Luckily for me, she apparently felt the same way about Antonio Banderas.
Anyway, Salma has pretty much been the end all for me. Sure, she’s getting up there in years but she still looks great. It’s not wonder she only marries billionaires. It’s cause she got that billionaire vagina.

Kill: J-Lo
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Listen. We’re splitting hairs here. J-lo looks incredible nowadays.
I don’t know how many virgins she sacrificed or how many placenta she eats a day but , whatever she’s doing, it’s working. That said, I had to make the tough call here and dead her. Why? Well…she’s a fucking cornball. Yup. I choose to end her over her personality. Pretty forward thinking of me. All I’ve heard about her for her entire career is that she’s a power starved asshole. After a while, you hear the same thing about one person enough it’s hard to deny that it’s probably true. So, I’m basically killing her over 8th generation gossip but it’s better than having no reason at all.

Fuck: Sofia Vergara
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I choose Sofia to make sweet love to cause I can’t not choose her. Of the three, her english seems the most suspect, so marrying her might be a problem. I’m not gonna kill her cause, well, she’s not J-Lo. But, beyond all that, she’s insanely hot. This is a win/win/murder for me. I’ll also add that, at times, Vergara does look a very tiny bit masculine. Like she’d be one of those REALLY good Transexual hookers. I’ve seen some around my way that could fool anyone. Still, I’d have sex with her gladly. Don’t even know why I bought that last part up. In fact, let’s just pretend I didn’t.

F/M/K:Emma Goldman, Bonnie Parker, Gloria Steinem

Marry: Bonnie Parker
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Man…I wish I could marry the movie version of her. Anyway…Still, I’ll take the old timey real life version of her. What do you need in a marriage? Loyalty. Commitment. Trust. Well, Mrs. Parker got that shit on lock. Sure, you might end up riddled with bullets but at least i’d go out like a soldier.

Fuck:Gloria Steinem
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The thing about this pick is that, even in the make believe world this game exists in, I feel like she wouldn’t fuck me. But, hey, I make the rules here. Why would I choose her? Well, if I can be completely shallow, she was pretty hot when she was younger. But, beyond that, the thought of fucking Gloria Steinem is so out of the realms of reality that it’s actually kind of exciting. The down side is that, if it were to happen, from then on , every time someone would accuse me of being a sexist asshole on the internet I might be like “sexist? listen, I fucked Gloria Steinem!” which is kinda like a racist telling you about that one black guy she fucked in college.

Kill:Emma Goldman
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I had to google this one. Two pics came up. Her old and her young. Her young was a cute, crazy eyed looking hipster. Her old was what Large marge from “Pee wee’s big adventure” sees in her own nightmares. So, I went with the earlier years for the above pic.
Turns out she’s an anarchist. That’s cool and all but I find those types of people care way too much about shit I don’t even think about. I feel like being around her and her people would be exciting for a fleeting moment then I’d be like “so, wait…you wanna burn what building down tonight? Can’t we just stay home and play card or something?”. So, I’m just killing her out of a distinct need to not want to partake with all her anarchist dealings. Not even cause I disagree with them but more cause I’m lazy and not motivated by injustice.

F/M/K Barbara Carrera, Asia Carrera and Tia Carrere (in their prime)

Marry: Tia Carrere
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If you’re my age, “Wayne’s world” was kind of a big deal for you when you were younger. I doubt it’s aged well but , back then, I loved that shit. Part of that love is a strong teenaged lust aimed at Tia Carrere. She was one of the first asian girls you would really see in movies and on TV. So this was before all the white creeps in the world decided that asian girls were the end all of wifey material. I say that to remove myself from that group. Asian girls are hot…but dudes who specifically love them and only them are loser creeps. I’m marrying her for sentimental reasons and not cause I have a weird relationship with my own penis and hate women who have opinions. (not saying asian women don’t have opinions, just saying dudes that specifically date them and only them often seem to think they don’t and are attracted to that quality)

Fuck: Asia Carrera
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I’d imagine this is a name that you either know of you don’t. If you watched porn in 90’s, you know it well. I LOVED me some Asia Carrera back in the day. She was a really good actress cause my teenaged brain legit thought she was one of those girls who actually enjoyed her work. Sure, I’m pretty sure that was me just hoping but sometimes that glimmer of a possibility is what separates a great porn star from a hot girl who is reluctantly having sex on film.
This was so long ago, they named the asian porn star “Asia” cause that name hadn’t been taken yet. How cool is that? It’s like wrestling in the early 80’s when any person of a non-white race would automatically have their entire personality based on that race. Ah…the good/terrible old days.
Also, she’s a pro. So there’s that too.

Kill: Barbara Carrera
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Honestly, I had to google her. Still not sure what she does. She looks like an old model. Well..Sorry. She’s certainly a beautiful women but I don’t have any fond memories of her like I do the others to cling on to. Also, much like Sofia Vergara, she had a touch of manliness to her. I mean, sure, I’m digging deep for reasons to kill her in this predicament but that’s kinda what you have to do when playing the game “Fuck/marry/kill”. Without “kill”, it’s not the same game.

F/M/K – BASKETBALL, PORN, SANDWICHES

Fuck: Porn
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I mean…what else am I gonna do with porn but fuck it? It’s sole purpose exists for me to do that. I’m not gonna try and put my dick the hole in a DVD but you get what I’m saying.

Marry:Basketball
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Oh, sweet, sweet basketball. This one works in multiple ways cause I enjoy basketball on so many levels. For one, I play it all the time and it’s my main source of exercise. I need that in my life. Secondly, I love watching it. So it’s a constant source of entertainment when I’m not actually partaking in it. Thirdly, I play and obsess over fantasy basketball. Half the year I’m getting side eyed eye rolls from my girlfriend cause I’m glued to my computer like a crack fiend watching stat tracker tell me when Roy Hibbert gets another rebound. And finally, it’s a discussion piece amongst my friends and I. We could talk basketball for hours. So, you add all those things together and I’d throw a ring on that bitch no question.

Kill: Sandwiches
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This would be tough. I love sandwiches. I eat them all the time. The reason I’m killing them is because, unlike porn and basketball, they’re not a necessity. There are tons of other foods out there that I love. So many, in fact, that I guess I could give up sandwiches for ever if I had to. I mean , shit, you gluten allergic motherfuckers do it all the time and I don’t even think gluten allergies is a real thing. The bottom line is there would still be enjoyable food in life without sandwiches. Meanwhile, no sport could replace basketball for me and no masturbation aid could replace porn. So, I gotta do what I gotta do here. Even though a little part of me would die inside to give them up. It would kinda be like the ending of Old Yeller. RIP GURLLLLL.

Cool art, bro

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Even though I grew up surrounded by fine art, I admittedly don’t really know anything about it or understand it very well. My dad was an artist and I attended all sorts of art related events from a young age. I worked in galleries. I’ve met countless artists who are both respected and successful only to forget their names the moment they walk away. Perhaps it was my own form of youthful rebellion to simply not give a fuck about it. Or maybe I took the parts I like from it (the creativity, the lifestyle of freedom, the “anything goes” mindset in terms of careers) and ignored the other parts that didn’t make sense to me. Truth be told, I honestly never got too into fine art cause I was simply not good at it. I couldn’t draw. I couldn’t paint. My sculptures looked like petrified shit slabs. In fact, you should see my handwriting. It’s as if I do it while riding a horse. So, read this with that in mind. While I am technically an “artist” in the sense that people who make music are artists, I’m not an artist like the people I’m talking about here. I’d also like to clarify that, while it may seem like I’m shitting all over artists and art in general, I’m not. They do something I cannot do. From Bob Ross to the worlds most renowned painter, I can’t do that shit so it’s all equally impressive to me (and also kinda boring as well but, hey, that’s just how I see it). The bottom line is, this is all coming from a humble place and a guy who admittedly less talented than most people.

Over the years there have been many types of art that I scoff at. Like some dude who built a waterfall and called it art (nah b, you’re not an artist, you’re a landscaper) or that thing that people did in central park in 2005 with “The gates”. Maybe it’s just me but turning central park into a croquet course for lazy giants just didn’t work as “art”. I understand that art is everything. But I take issue when people just kinda do some random bullshit and act like they’re changing the game. It’s the equivalent of when David Blaine stops doing card tricks and starts calling “watch me not drink water for a month!” a magic trick. It’s just not the same thing.

You take that and add in the concept of “Performance art” and the lines get even more blurred. With performance art, you can literally do anything and it’s accepted. Sometimes I wonder why more people don’t just do that…literally anything…and give it a faux deep/politically charged name. The beauty of art is that you can spin it anyway you want. The ugliness of that same facet is that it leaves the door open for endless bullshit and fakery. I could do an art show where I line up five homeless dudes, light them on fire and pissed out the flames. I could call it “Giuliani” and I would be a genius. I’m just saying, the line between brilliant and absolute crap in that world is microscopically thin.
Last week, Jay-z did a performance art piece in a NYC Gallery (I’m literally too indifferent to google which gallery).

What he did was rap his song “Picasso baby” for 6 hours straight. While this is a feat of endurance (I’d imagine David Blaine is a little salty he didn’t think of it first), watching the video I couldn’t help but feel like I’ve seen it before. Oh wait…his performance art piece was basically like every overbooked, crappy underground rap show I’ve ever seen except:
1)In a well lit room
2)Only one rapper who won’t shut the fuck up, as opposed to 30.
3)lots of old white people
4)people looked genuinely happy
5)It probably had good sound

It got me thinking, man what if that was the point of Jay’s Performance piece? A biting commentary on shitty underground basement ass rap shows. Clearly, it isn’t. But it could be and that would have had way more depth than whatever bullshit explanation he actually has for this.

The thing is, I’m not even mad at Jay. I think his new album is pretty good for a 42 year old who doesn’t really have anything to say or prove. I’m a long time fan. He certainly takes risks, albeit very calculated ones. This was just another thing that jumped out and reminded me how comically corny and pleased with themselves the entire art world is. And that goes out to all forms of art. From a painter who uses tampon blood to the movie star explaining why this action movie is better than the other action movies to the Dj who acts like he’s a genius cause he has the hang of Serrato and happens to play whatever music is popular with teenaged girls. It’s all under the same umbrella and it’s all bullshit.
This isn’t to say there aren’t real artists under that umbrella. Obviously, if there weren’t , none of us would be talking about this. There are those who inspire and make all this worth it. Jay-Z has been that artist for me in the past. Not so much lately but I can’t really knock a man who’s so rich and bored he doesn’t know what to do with himself. After all, that’s goal right? Getting to the point where you can do whatever you want cause no one can say shit to you at the end of the day. Well, that and personal and spiritual fulfillment, whatever that may be.

I think for his next trick, Jay-z should take 10 of the most revered paintings ever and copy them but with crayons. I’m joking but, seriously,I’d probably buy one if I could afford it. Jay-Z’s “The scream” Would be fucking hilarious.