Good day everyone. Time for another installment of fuck/marry/kill. You know the game. You’ve hung with frat boys who played it. Well, as a person who loves giving deeper thoughts to really stupid topics, this is my spin on it. As always, please don’t take any of this seriously. It’s all just for fun. I’m fully aware I have no right to actually choose who I fuck , marry or kill in any of these scenarios. It’s for fun, guys. Relax.
If you have nay funny ideas for fuck/marry/kill options, lemme hear them Please be creative. Avoid people like madonna, lady gaga, katy Perry ect…they’ve all be done endlessly. Either leave ideas in the comment section or mail them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Anyway, let’s get into it…
F/M/K: danielle fishel, kimmy gibler, Harriet from small wonder
Little know fact for all you youngsters out there, any straight male who grew up in the 80’s and early 90’s has had some sort of crush on Topanga. It’s a truth that it not designated to any race, class or culture. It defies personal tastes. It just is. It’s funny cause I never even watched “Boy meets world” but I’m no different than the rest. I’d flip by it on TV and stop for a second like “hmm…I’d like to have sex with that slightly chubby, big lipped jewess”. So clearly, based on the strength of those formidable years, Fishel would be wifed. Not to mention, she looks better now than she ever has.
(Side note: If you’re planning on being that guy who writes in the comment section “Nah dude, she was always gross to me” please don’t. It’s not that I don’t believe you feel that way, I simply don’t give a fuck about your opinion)
Kill: Kimmy Gibler
Pretty easy choice here as she was seemingly created with murder in mind. She was too old to be precocious and too young to sexualized in any way that wasn’t totally gross. What she was, was a weird little freckled face annoyance. She reminded all of us of that one girl in class who we loathed deeply. The Kimmy Gibler I went to grade school with was named Maggie. She suuuuuuuuucked. I recently came across her facebook page and , surprisingly, she turned out to be a very attractive woman who married some soccer player dude. She has fake tits though so I feel like she probably still sucks on some level.
Fuck:Harriet from small wonder
(The picture above is all I could find. It certainly doesn’t help my case for this pick and it also makes me look like a total creep…just know I’m not)
This one is a personal choice but it’s cause there is a story behind it. For those who don’t recall, Harriet was the annoying next door neighbor girl/ginger on the show “Small Wonder”. She was Kimmy Gibler before Kimmy Gibler existed. However, one of my good friends lost his virginity to her when he was 13. He used to tell us stories about it and, I gotta say, as a teen, they resonated pretty deeply. Especially the parts about her huge tits. So, because of that, she’s always be a little sexier to me, even though she’s pretty unattractive in reality. Oh, and did I mention my friend who had sex with her was also a ginger? Thus disproving the theory that two gingers cannot have sex with one another without spontaneously combusting.
F/M/K:Coachella Girl, Burning man girl, SXSW Girl
Fuck: Coachella Girl
They’re a little hippie dippy for me and they wear those fucking rose garlands everywhere but I’m not blind. Girls at Coachella are hot. This is not debatable. I’ve never been but the pictures I’ve seen speak truths. It’s somewhere between Woodstock and Williamsburg. So, as much as that’s not really my type, I’d be full of shit if I were to say it’s not my penis’ type. Then again, my penis has never been that picky when it came to the fashion choices of whom it was inside. Truth be told, I’d probably bone a hot juggalo if she had a clean bill of health that could be proven emphatically to me on the spot.
Marry: SXSW girl
I think this pick is more due to the variety of girls at SXSW. There’s a little of everything there. So, really, by choosing a SXSW girl, I’m just leaving the door wide open for who I walk down the aisle with. It could be some hipster chick in cowboy boots, it could be some asian break dancer nerd, it could be some tatted up rock girl. You never know what you’re gonna get there. One thing is certain though, she’s probably gonna be fucking hammered on a regular basis.
Kill: Burning man girl
A few reasons for this one:
1)WAY too hippie-d out for me,
2)I don’t trust the hygiene practices of a girl who washing her body with hot sand for a week.
3)While they do have a nice “Free love” vibe, I’m not into the idea of getting caught up in some orgy with a girl covered in henna and a guy with earlobe gauges so big, I could fuck them (does that count as gay?).
4)I’m not into the whole road warrior meets a pixie clothing style they got popping off over there. Some of these girls are obscenely hot but it’s almost too much. It’s like raving in the apocalypse and I just don’t know if there’d be time for that if the shit actually hit the fan.
5) I’m simply not enough of a drug guy to even be in the same room with most of those people for any extended amount of time.
F/M/K:Fiona Apple, Lianne La Havas, Norah Jones
Fuck: Lianna La Havas
I was fully ready to kill her cause, truth be told, I’ve never heard of her…then I googled her and …well, goddamn. She’s beautiful. I figure, if I’m gonna be shallow and uninformed, this is that time. No clue what her music is like…for all I know it could sound like Macy Gray being beaten to death with a Ukelele. Not an issue. sometimes you just got to judge a book by it’s cover and this cover gives me a boner.
Marry: Norah Jones
She’s just so fucking marry-able. She’s super cute, seems cool and even has a good sense of humor. Also, I’m trying to get some of that Shankar money, son!
But for real, there’s really not much to dislike about her. Even her music , while not at all my shit, is respectable at worst. You go gurllll…
Kill: Fiona Apple
This was a tough choice and one I wish I didn’t have to make. I’m a huge fan of hers. I even knew her (from a far) in high school as she went to the night school that was in my high school and would work in the office during the day. I can’t stress enough how insanely hot she was back then (she’s still pretty currently but back then…goddamn). Like, “walk by the office 4 times for no reason to steal a peak” hot. So, know that between my love of her music, my respect for her as a musician and the fact I have some connection to her (Truth be told, I maybe said one word to her ever…she was too hot to talk to) That I do this with a heavy heart.
So, why? Why would I kill her? Well, partially by default. The other options simply are more appealing. But, more than that, I’d do it cause I get the feeling she’s kinda crazy. In fact, I think she’d admit to that herself. And while there is the idea that crazy people have better sex, I could see things getting really dark with her. I don’t do well with volatile people in general and she seems like the type who would scratch a motherfuckers eyeballs out over nothing but then go write an amazing song about it. So, while I’d be doing music in general a disservice with this choice, it’s the only way I could go. Thank god this game isn’t real though…cause I’d be a murderer and that’s a really bad look.
F/M/K Jazz, Classical, Blues
Kill: Classical music
I’m sorry…I’m a fucking heathen I know…but I simply cannot pretend to give a fuck about classical music. I’m aware of it’s importance and the genius behind it but I simply have no connection to it. When I listen it takes me to a special place…a place where i immediately pass out from boredom. So, sorry Bach! You getting chopped, brah.
Truth be told, I don’t listen to much jazz anymore. Mainly cause I don’t like much music without vocals. I love jazz with vocals though so that’s part of the reason I picked to marry it. But, beyond that, I do have fond memories of listening to all sorts of jazz back in the day (I was raised on the stuff) as well digging through records and pulling out samples from it. So, while I’m not as enamored with it as I once was, it’s still okay in my book. It certainly never annoys me. unless we’re talking free jazz…in which case, I’d kill that motherfucker quick. Cool track of you banging on a pot while tuning your upright bass , guy.
The thing about the blues is that is can be powerful but, at the same time, it all kinda sounds the same after a while. For that reason, a one off works for me. One blues song can be life altering, 15 blues songs and you’re ready to actually sing the blues about how bored you are with the blues. It should also be noted that blues is one of the main influences on all popular music nowadays so there’s that too. But that’s kinda like saying “That girl is kind of attractive but her mom had a magical vagina so…I think I’ll hit it”. Well, yeah, I’m basically saying that.