So, I was sitting around with a few old friends the other day. As old friends sometimes do, we got to talking about old “relationships” and funny situations from our younger days. A girl came up that had slept with a few of our friends (a few of us in that room as well) and we started talking about how much time would be saved if dating site users had a database to look at to see what they were dealing with before getting involved. After all, a profile made by the person themselves is always going to put that best foot forward. The reality of a person doesn’t usually show it’s face till later. all of a sudden the worlds greatest/worst idea was born: Yelp! for humans.
Now, I’d like to right now claim this idea (along with my two friends who I was in the room with). It is September 19th, 2013. If this happens, somewhere down the line, I’m suing everyone. I need to find a computer savvy person and take this shit on to Shark Tank right away…How do you even copyright something like this? Surely posting it on a public blog for all to read is the best idea so let’s move forward with it.
The idea is to add a feature too all social networks and dating sites where people can write reviews for other people…just like yelp. Now, this is the best idea cause how many of you online dating motherfuckers go on dates with people only to realize that the person you’re with is a lunatic? Well, how about simply realizing that person is boring and selfish? Wouldn’t your rather just read their yelp reviews? Now, obviously, this idea is full of huge gaping holes (Much like your mom) so bare with me. I’ll get to that stuff later. For now, let’s look at what a Human Yelp review might look like:
Sara Smith (these are not real people and this is all made up, FYI)
I met sara via this site. Her pictures led me to believe she was a classy and attractive lady. When I met up with her, I was kinda disappointed as her hair was a lot shorter and her figure seemed to have gained about 20 pounds. Still, I was interested enough. So, we were talking and she kept doing that thing where she nods at everything you say but then cuts you off before you can finish. As if she wasn’t listening to me and simply waiting for her chance to be the talker. The dinner was decent. She was on her phone a lot though, texting often and she even instagrammed her meal, which was weird cause we were at a Red Lobster. Even though I wasn’t thrilled with her, she was nice enough and it had been a while for me so I was angling for some physical connection. We went to a local bar and she seemingly got drunk immediately. I don’t know what happened but , all of a sudden, she went from sober to frat house wasted. I didn’t mind cause it was gonna make my goal a little easier. She was doing this awful “sexy” dance at the bar but I just kind of pretended I didn’t see it. I took her back to my place for a “night cap”. We had a drink and spoke for a little bit but eventually started hooking up. It was a smooth transition. She was a little sloppy at that point but not so much where I felt like I was taking advantage of her. She went down on me and it kinda felt like a slobbery bobcat but at least she was enthusiastic. We then proceeded to have sex. Her tits kinda looked like empty beanbags but he body was actually pretty decent outside of that. She asked me to get a condom. I didn’t. We still had sex anyway. We both passed out after. In the morning , she slept later than me and was very curious about our breakfast plans once see finally got up. I had to take a shit really badly and wanted some privacy but she didn’t seem to get the hint that she might have to go home. So , I took her out to breakfast at a nearby diner and told her I had to be somewhere after.
Overall, it was a decent enough experience but I don’t think I’ll be following up on this one as I don’t see it going much further than it already did.
Tell me that kind of info wouldn’t help you make a clearer choice when dating online? But it works both ways. In my mind, if a guy writes a review, the girl would have to as well (both sides of the story!) in order for either to get published on the site. It’s only fair to have both sides. And that may go like this:
I met Paul via this site. He seemed funny and nice from the texts we sent. In person, he was much shorter than I thought and he was wearing some busted old New Balance sneakers. Still, he was kinda cute and polite so I wasn’t totally ready to write him off. He took me to Red Lobster. I couldn’t tell if he was being ironic or not about that. Anyway, he was kinda boring. I felt like I was keeping the entire conversation going and he was just along for the ride. Maybe he was nervous. I suggested we get some drinks with hopes of loosening things up. We went to a nearby bar and had a really fun time. We had some cocktails, I danced a little and Paul came out of his shell. At this point, I wasn’t sold on hooking up with him but I figured , fuck it, it had been a while for me and he was nice enough. Besides, he was kinda skinny with a big nose so I thought he might have a big dick or something. So we went back to his house and had a drink. He got a little grope-y but , like I said, I figured why not? We hooked up and it was okay. He seemed into it. His dick was pretty normal, so that was okay. He totally put a condom on, which I thought was responsible and cool of him. He did keep his socks on though which was strange. The sex was pretty sub standard as all he did was pound the hell out of me in one position for like a minute and 45 seconds before cumming on my inner thigh. We were both pretty tired after and went to sleep.
In the morning , I wasn’t trying to have sex again even though he was subtly angling. I was really hungry but I also had to take a huge shit. I figured if we got out of his apartment I could do it at a restaurant and kill two birds with one stone.Not to mention, the bathroom in his apartment was kind of disgusting. The toilet paper was just sitting on top of the sink. Gross. We went to some cheap diner and ate. We split the bill.
Overall, he’s a nice enough guy but what kind of asshole doesn’t pay for breakfast?
See how that works? Hell, I’d read that kinda shit even if I wasn’t on dating sites. But it could go beyond dating sites!
Even on a basic level of something like facebook…say some stranger friend requests you. That’s when you Yelp! them.
This low life requested me cause he knew some friend of mine from high school. It turns out we met at a bar once three years ago. Anyway, I accepted cause it seemed harmless. Well, big mistake…He posts his favorite youtube videos all day and his taste in music is terrible. He also invites me to play fucking Farmville twice a week. Worst of all, he went back and liked like 15 of my pictures that I had posted years ago. A few were of me at age 15 , on a family trip to the beaches of greece. total creep.
Overall, I’d avoid this guy at all costs. He’s a total scumbag and a loser.
But what about good reviews? They could be benefical as well.
Beth Wilson has requested your friendship
I met Beth briefly at an office party. She was very cute and friendly so I was actually excited to see her request my friendship the next day. Turns out accepting her friendship was the right choice. Not only does she leave cute, arguably flirtatious comments on my updates but she’s got a whole photo album of her and her hot friends in their bikinis. I mean, goddamn..I could tell she had a cute body but I had no idea how good it really was. I also used our new found friendship to find out she’s single and that she always updates where she’s gonna be that night by checking into fucking everywhere. She even checks into coffee shops and movies theaters. It’s kind of insane but, hey, I’m not mad at the access. I’m definitely gonna make a move one of these nights and catch her out there. She’s a great friend to have!
I’m telling you guys,on the surface, this is a million dollar idea. However..I’m not delusional. I realize there would be issues. Things like:
This is part of the game. Dating is generally a bunch of he said/she said bullshit anyway so, sadly, lying is par for the course. The best way to limit this would be to have a stipulation saying that anything you say on “Yelp! human reviews” is admissible in a court of law. Even if it isn’t, that might scare a few people away from being completely full of shit.
This would happen more on fFacebook where girl friends would write glowing reviews of their friends even though, deep down, they probably hate their guts. Hopefully this could be monitored somehow and kept to a minimum but , alas, I have a feeling it would be hard to stop.
Obviously, if you read a bad review of a date you had that you thought went well, it would send you into a downward spiral of fury and resentment. The obvious reaction would be to write a scathing review of that same person. A way to forgo that would be for people to not be able to see the reviews written about them. Either forever or for a few weeks till after the first date. That way, on an off chance the first date was rocky but the second was a success, the original reviewer could adjust his/her review accordingly. Oh, that reminds me, there would be an “edit” feature for people to correct their reviews as time passes.
It’s everywhere. No one is beating spam. It’s the cockroach of the internet. Deal with it.
This would be the worst problem. People simply fucking with each other for the sake of doing it. You can’t have an open forum without trolling in 2013. The best way to combat this would be to have eagle eyed mods. It would be their job to accept or deny all entries. Sure, this is a huge task as, if this were to take off, you’d be getting thousands of submissions daily, but if the whole review is something like
“She kisses like a fish and she don’t give head”, surely that can be handled.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg with why this might be an issue. But, you know what? Consider that our privacy is not only a lost right, it’s also a lost desire. People are shameless nowadays. No one even seems to care when their entire lives are put on blast…so much so that they do it themselves. So, much like normal Yelp! Reviews, when reading your reviews, you’d have to take them all with a grain of salt. At the least, you’d only trust reviewers with their share of stars and experience. You can also trust that those same people are chock full of std’s.
So, yeah, any one with tons of money and computer knowledge wanna piece of this idea? holler at your boy. Let’s get rich.