Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol 29

It is time once again for the game we all know and love. Fuck/marry/kill. Well, actually, some of you hate it cause you take everything way too seriously and think I’m being sexist. So, just to clarify, this is all jokes. You realize , for half of these, I’m fucking, marrying and killing things that cannot be fucked, married or killed, right? Part of the fun of these is being able to be ridiculous about them. And where the women are concerned, know that I’m aware this is all made up and have desire to actually do anything to any of these women (well, I’d fuck a few of them…) nor do I think they’d do anything but “Kill” me if given the choice. Now that I’ve explained that to you and drained all possible humor out of the idea, let’s get back into it. If you have any interesting/off center ideas of people/things/places you’d like me to fuck marry or kill, leave them in the comments below. I’m always looking for new ideas and these are all reader submitted.
And now, on with the show…

NBA girls Edition:Vanessa Bryant, Kate Upton, Savannah Brinson

Fuck: Kate Upton
Not quite sure what she did to get on this list. Pretty sure she’s not dating or married to a basketball player, but hey, I’m not complaining. Upton is obviously beautiful an seemingly created in the mind of a 14 year old boy furiously masturbating. All that’s missing is a PS4 built into her back and that theory would be spot on. Anyway, some of you may be asking, why not marry her? Well, this is gonna sound terrible but I don’t see her aging gracefully. Not that I’m one to talk but by the time she hits 30, the world will be speaking very differently about Mrs. Upton. So, I’m more of the “Get it while it’s still great” mind set on this one.

Marry: Vanessa Bryant
It’s hard to find a pic of her without a forced smile or a scowl on it. I wonder why? oh yeah…cause her piece of shit husband sodomized some girl in a hotel a few years back and she opted to stay with him. On one hand that’s unheard of loyalty (certainly a very marriage worthy trait). On the other, she might just be in it for the long sting and planning on milking Kobe for all he’s worth (a ploy I’m not mad at cause, hey, he did cheat). Either way, I’ve always thought she was pretty fly and , even if her “Stand by my man” angle is tainted, she might actually not be a terrible person. Then again, she may have stayed married with him just so she can hold it over his head for the rest of his life and he’s basically her slave. Who knows…this is a tough one. I feel like I’m talking myself out of it. hmm…Nah, fuck it…At the very least she’d be appreciative of a non-cheater and it would give me even more reason to hate Kobe than I already do. WORTH IT.

Kill:Savannah Brinson
Truth be told, I didn’t even know who this was. I knew lebron got married (Dumbest choice ever for a pro athlete in his 20’s, btw) but I didn’t know it was to her. Well, She’s very pretty. That’s all i can really say. So, why am I killing her in this scenario? Out of pure ignorance. She could be a witch for all i know…or she could be saint. I have no idea and typing words into google to check is way to time consuming for a game this dumb. So, I’ll just cut my loses and go with the apathetic kill. Sorry bron, bron!

F/M/K – Friday, Saturday, Sunday

Marry: Saturday
Soooo easy for me. As a guy who doesn’t work a normal job, this question actually takes on different meanings. My mondays are mostly likely not like you’re mondays (unless you happen to blissfully unemployed). But saturdays…That’s when everything is great. I go out with my girl for some delicious lunch (or brunch if you wanna be an asshole about it). I chill, then I go play basketball. Then I come home, eat some more and probably go out with my friends. To me, that’s a perfect day. Food, basketball, friends. If I had a theme restaurant , that would be the tagline “Come to Tony’s House of Lamb Flanks: Food ,basketball and friends”

Fuck: Friday
Friday is a fuck of a night for most people. For you, it might mean that time when you cut loose after a hard week. For me, it’s more typically date night. Either way, it doesn’t have the complete majesty of a saturday but it’s still pretty good. A good friday can definitely set your saturday back though so, when fucking friday, go easy on her/him. You fuck too hard and you’ll spend your saturday in bed , holding your sore vagina/butthole all day.

Kill: Sunday
This is my hangover day in general. Fuck this day. The only thing good about sundays to me is the TV they play. WHile I will miss that, I won’t miss feeling like I have a case of short term AIDS for the majority of the day due to the drinks I drank the night before. For you working people, Sunday is a reminder that “hey bro, tomorrow is back to the grindstone”. There is no joy in anticipation of tomorrow when tomorrow is a guaranteed shit show. I’d imagine church goers might argue this day is the best but I’m not one of them and , of course, the shittiest day of the weekend would be “The lords day”. He shoulda picked saturday. just sayin’.

F/M/K: 80′s wrestling ladies edition: Luna Vachon, Miss Elisabeth, Alundra Blayze

Kill: Luna Vachon
Jesus christ. Kill it with fire. Kill it before it kills me. This lady looks like Herc from “The Wire” with a wig on , dressed like a road warrior extra. Actually, now that I think about it, she would be an amazing Halloween costume for a drag queen.
Whatever, she is terrifying. Both from a physical and general looks view point. She could very likely kick my ass…which , contrary to what some of you creeps might think, is not an attractive quality.

Fuck:Alundra Blayze
Alundra Blayze e
There are huge pockets of men out there who are very attracted to a girl like this. Not just the Mr. Cee’s of the world either.She’s a real Robert Crumb type. Strong, tall and with a jawline that makes you go “Wait…are you? you got tits though…but wait…” as you galnce down at her tights to check for a lump. She is a manly lady, no doubt. But, she spells Blaze with a “Y” so you know she’s real, guys. I’ll tell you one thing, looking through these google pics, she LOVES america. And what’s more american than having uncomfortable sex with a girl you’re not 100% is totally a girl? Not much, bro, not much.

Marry: Miss Elisabeth
I had her posters on my wall. When I used to watch wrestling, she was that flower that grew out of the concrete. It’s funny how your brain sees things when you’re an kid. Seeing her now, she was basically like the living embodiment of a mall food court and very likely did pounds of coke off Macho Man’s pimple filled back. But back in the day? I assumed she shit diamonds and spoke like 15 different languages fluently…She was lovely , goddamnit! So, in honor of my youthful optimism, I thee wed. Also, have you looked at the other two choices? Shit is a no brainer.

F/M/K:beard ,mustache ,goatee

Marry: Beard
John Hamm, Jennifer Westfeldt
Beards are the best cause they’re easy to maintain (you just let them grow), they’re manly and they keep you warm. They also are great for hiding your fat fucking face or keeping people in the dark that, when clean shaven, you look like that pussy from “Boy meets world”. Also, due to some weird shit in the water, ladies seem to be open to beards nowadays. I don’t know if it’s some daddy issues , respect for santa or some genetic desire to love cavemen but more and more really hot girls are down with a slovenly looking dude these days. So, score one for bearded guys.

The mustache is definitely a fuck. It’s a novelty. Sure, some dudes grow them and mean it but they’re all either leather boys, cops or mixologists. For most guys, a mustache is something you rock for a little bit and have fun with, then shave off and live you life as a normal person once again. I’ve noticed that really good looking dudes like to grow just a mustache sometimes. As if to test their own good looks. Like “She liked me last week..but will she still wanna have sex with me if I have just a mustache?!?!” (The answer is “yes” , good looking guy. She will do whatever you say. You’re that good looking. Prick).

Kill: Goatee
Maybe in the 90’s this would have been a tough choice but nowadays? It’s a wrap on goatees. Only slovenly roadies/sound guys, chubby latino men and weirdo religious southerners who tuck in their t-shirts have goatees anymore. While it is a slightly more doable look than, say, just a soul patch, it’s just not a viable anymore. The whole beard wave has made people who sculpt their facial hair look like total sissies. Oh word, you’re gonna manicure your goatee? Nice. Be sure to trim the double chin layer so there is a hunk of freshly shaven fat right beneath your chin that looks like a delicious slab of pork waiting to cooked on a grill. I’m hungry.


Friends, how many of us have them? Well, I would hope most of us cause, otherwise, that’s pretty depressing. Even weirdo shut in, trench coat mafia types have at least one friend. But, if you’re one of those people, first and foremost, my apologies. Secondly, this post ain’t for you. No, this one is for the at least marginally socially adjusted folks out there who are actually able to maintain human relationships with other humans. The topic came up cause recently a friend of mine got stuck hanging out with an old friend. Someone from the past who is so far removed from their current life, it’s as if they’ve never met. Hearing about this time the two former friends spent together got me thinking about the different types of friendships we gain (and lose) as time passes. I figure it might fun to make a friendship glossary , as I see it. Now, keep in mind, I’m me. Not you. So how I view this shit could easily be different than how you do. You might be a person who meets someone, befriends them and , within a week of knowing them, you are ready to take a bullet for them. If that’s you, more power to you, but I’m not that guy. I’ve always been careful about friends. Not just who I chose to spend time with but how much time I want to spend with that person and under what circumstances. It should also be noted that male/male friendship , make/female friendships and female/female friendships are all completely different animals. So, let’s get into this, as I see it…feel free to disagree but also know that I don’t really give a shit what you think on this topic if you do. Cause I don’t know you, friend!

1) The Best friend
For men, this a weird term to use. Anytime I hear another man refer to his close friend as his “best friend”, it rubs me the wrong way. It’s just not in our nature to be ranking motherfuckers like that. As much as we men like arbitrary lists, friendship is a looser reality to us.
The way I see it, I have a handful of “Best friends”. There are dudes who I’ve known forever, love like brothers and spend the majority of my time with. They are also dudes who , when we’re together, we pretty just just sit around saying the meanest shit possible to each other. Sure, we’re joking…but it’s a brutal climate. It’s also hilarious. But, to me, a best friend is someone you can say some scathing shit to and they are able to laugh it off. Lines can certainly be crossed but, in general, the friendship is based on two people having a deep understanding. A deep understanding of another persons intentions and where they’re really coming from. My close friends that berate me know it’s all good…because it is. Where as some outsider friend could say the same shit and I’d want to kill them.
As an outsider looking in, I feel as if girl best friends are either uncomfortably close or completely replaceable. Girls tend to have either a die hard crew of friends that will be around forever or they have a rotating door of girls that come in and out of their lives. The latter type are pretty much the worst and I’d deeply advise against ever befriending them. If your homegirl is always talking about huge fallouts with former best friends, guess what? She’s a magnet fro drama and a shitty person.
But, yeah, as far as ACTUAL best friends. Where guys sit around jovially shitting on one another as the bonding experience, girls get deep. They talk for hours, sleep in the same beds and cry together. Shit is weird as fuck to me but, hey, better them than me. A good female friendship is a great way to alleviate the shitty hyper-emotional parts of being a boyfriend, so I’m all for it.

2)The social friend
This is a friend who you enjoy when you see them but draw a strict line as to when and where that is. They don’t get phone calls to chat. They don’t get random texts. They get invited to parties and you’re always happy to see them. You don’t keep up with this persons daily dealings. If they break up with their gf/bf, you find out 4 months after it happened. You do wish them a happy birthday on Facebook though so that’s nice of you.

3)The Fuck up
This is that friend who was once great that just fell a little too deep into whatever vice it is they love. They went from life of the party guy who got tons of girls in a non-sleazy way to the shit breathed , coke head who corners you in a bar and speaks gibberish to you until you are able to slither away. The sad thing about this friend is that they will sometimes show glimmers of what made them so awesome earlier in life. They’ll remind you what it was that made you so down with them in the first place. unfortunately, those glimmers pass and the dark side comes roaring back. Personally, I’ve learned to cut ties with these types on some level. Like, we’re all good when i see them but I’m not reaching out to them. This is going to sound horrible but, these are the friends that when you get a call about them dying, you’re not surprised. Yeah, it’s as depressing as it sounds.

4)The old friend you kinda hate but is around cause they haven’t gotten the hint
This is my least favorite kind of friend ever. This is that person you went to grade school with that , purely through timing and coincidence , you became “Friends”. Perhaps your parents arranged play dates or maybe you were neighbors. Hell, maybe you simply college roommates your freshman year. Whatever the case, these are the friends that were never meant to be but somehow became. People who you have nothing in common with on any level yet, unexplainably, they think you’re the best and want to be around you all the time. What i loath most about these friends is that they live in a fantasy world. They don’t see obvious and crucial differences that separate friends from acquaintances.An aware person would feel just as weird about the pointless , surface scratching conversations as you do. But no, they just hang around like a mentally challenged cartoon dog, blindly walking through life like shit is sweet. To be fair, there is also a chance you (me)is just an judgmental asshole and this old friend isn’t. Still…that doesn’t make them less annoying to be around.
One of the hardest part of these friends is that it’s not their fault. Other than being oblivious, they often the kindest people you’ll ever meet. Kinda like that woman I always seem to sit next to on the plane who is as sweet as can be but also calls black people “negroes” and voted for George bush with no regrets. They’re simply not on the level. With these friends, I’ve found the slow freeze out works best. Be nice. Be cordial but also , when they wanna hang, ALWAYS have other plans. Eventually , they’ll fade away and you’ll only have to see them at weddings.

5)The In and out friend
This is a person who you think is awesome but they are a rolling stone. They float in and out of your world with no regard for anything. While this bums you out cause, you know, you wish they’d be around more, it also makes their appearances that much more exciting. The bottom line with these types is that they always got somewhere else to be. Most likely, they’re cooler than you and also wildly self important. Whatever the case, a weekend spent with them is usually just enough and when they bounce once again, you’re never surprised. There are also friends you probably shouldn’t rely on for anything…ever. Take them at face value and don’t ever get too emotionally invested in them. Otherwise, you’ll just spend all your time being mad at them for not being the type of friend you wish they were…which is some bitch made emo shit to be mad about.

6)The drinking partner/smoking buddy
This is someone you only see when you’re drunk or high. You guys fucking love each other and tell sloshed/stoned stories to one another. This could be someone you’ve known forever. But I bet you don’t have this motherfuckers phone number! Very similar to the “social friend” but with a constant flow of booze or weed. But the reality is , you guys aren’t really friends, you’re just compatible when you’re fucked up. Which is fine…but this dude isn’t driving you to the airport anytime soon.

7)The frenemy
God I fucking hate that word. This is one where I think there is a divide between the sexes. For men, we don’t really keep around frenemies. We might tolerate them socially but , in general, a frenemy , to man, is a dude you don’t like (but you also don’t hate him) and therefor don’t fuck with on any level outside of giving a pound and moving on.
For girls , however, a frenemy is a real thing. You will call her. You will hang out with her. hell, you’ll crash at her house if needed…but you despise her and everything she stands for. I will never understand why women put up with other girls they hate but I’ve seen it so many times I’ve stopped even asking. I can’t tell if it’s to keep tabs on their enemies or if it’s more of a political thing amongst groups of girlfriends…whatever it is, you ladies need to fix that mess. You can only complain with great vitriol about a “friend” so much before everyone is tired of hearing it. Trust me, No one who is not you cares.

8)Fair weather friends/on and off again friends
These are those types that both seem to make your blood boil while also inexplicably possess something that makes you want to be around them. You fight with them, you don’t talk to them for a month but a week alter you guys are hanging every day. This could also be people who are friendly sometimes , but other times play down their friendship at shitty moments. Like that person who you’ll see out who loves you one day and then ignores you the next based upon who he/she is with. Another name for these types would be “Non-friend pieces of shit”.

9)Platonic friends of opposite sexes
This is a messy one. It’s been said by the poet laureate “Harry” of the Shakespheare play “When harry met sally…” that men and women cannot really be friends but that’s obviously bullshit. As a dude with many female friends, I can tell you they truly do exist…but with an asterix.
All my female friend fall into these groups:
1)Girls I’ve known so long that they might as well not have genitals
2)Ex’s or current girlfriends of my male friends who became my friend
3)Friends of my ex’s/current gf who, in turn, become my friend.
4)Girls I have already had sex with and we’re good on that.
I’m tempted to add “Busted girls with good personalities” but, to be honest, on a strictly physical level , I’d bone most of my female friends. Just saying, that’s ALWAYS there with men and their female friends. Even the old school ones who might as well not have genitals , I can look at and see that, had I met them last year, I’d probably wanna hit it.
Now, i think I’m not abnormal , in terms of how the typical guy thinks of his female friends. They’re my homegirls. But the sexual aspect of it is always there on some level. Even if it’s way way way off in a black hole somewhere deep down in my ballsack.
Now, with girls, I really don’t know what you think of your male friends. Cause, if you mean what you say, then you’re all delusional and oblivious. I’d would guess that the female perspective on this is actually more similar to the males than we guys may think. Sure, my Girlfriend may come home from a night out drinking talking about a new best friend she met named Bill and she may act like it’s a mutual platonic friendship but, deep down, I think she knows he’s trying to hit it…cause he is. THEY ALWAYS ARE.
“no new friends” guys, get familiar.
I think girls are way more capable of being truly platonic friends with men cause, even if they do realize what our intentions might be, they’re able to brush them off ,dance around them, and pretty much ignore the horny elephant in the room. Keeping us at bay is pretty easy. You do that long enough, the man accepts defeat and the real friendship begins. If a dude is hating on every dude you date? He’s not your friend. He’s a slow burn opportunist waiting for his moment.He may respect you and like you…but he still wants to hit it. If a dude is your emotional slave who does all the things a boyfriend does minus the physical contact, he’s not your friend. He’s a broken rag doll of a human…and slow burn opportunist waiting for his moment, just in a much more soft batch way than that other guy. Real friends don’t tip toe around shit. Real friends are just as willing to pick you up the hospital as they are to let you go home with some terrible looking person when you’re a little drunk so they can make fun of you the next day. It goes both ways. If you want to have real platonic male/female relationships, you gotta accept that a man’s friendship is not like a females. If i gotta change how I talk in front of my female friend, then it’s not equal. Same goes for girls around dudes. A girl who is a friend with a dude, should be able to fart around him like it’s nothing. So, unless you feel that way around someone, it’s not a real friendship. It’s something else. Maybe an “advanced acquaintance” or something…

There are many more types of friends…as they are like snowflakes, RIGHT GUYZ?!?!?! but I this is already too long as is. Feel free to add more friend types in the comments. I’m curious to hear some of the obvious ones I left out.

Tim and I discuss music and stuff vol. 49

This week, Tim AKA Alaska discuss the music of Miley and some rappers, Tony Castles and Natasha Kmeto
One thing of note, Tim claims that anyone who doesn’t think “Buhloone Mindstate” is the best De La Soul album is “an asshole or art student”…I’d like to say that I’m neither of those things and think “De la Soul is dead” is far superior. So, to all you non-asshole/art students who feel slighted by Tim’s words, you are not alone. I won’t let the mean man hurt anymore.

New Song/Video by Marq Spekt and I!

This is a gully one. Featuring the Philly Lo-Lofe all stars, this joint is off the upcoming album by Marq Spekt and myself “Play with it”.
Simply put, this is just some philly street shit where Spekt and his boys go in. You might recognize The Buze Bruvas from a “Yay or Nay” I did a while back. Anyway, peep this shit…and get hyped.

Answers for questions vol. 159

PUBLISHED by catsmob.comAnd I’m back!
The last few weeks I’ve been doing shows with Little people and I’m home for a little while. Feels good ,man. Thanks to all those who came out. It was a lot of fun and it was cool meeting a bunch of you guys. Shout out to anyone who big upped my blog to me. I almost like that more than you liking my music. Oh and if you and I took a picture together at any of the shows, send them my way. I have an album on my facebook page that is all silly pics of me and people at my shows. It’s fun.
Anyway, you know what this is. You ask, I answer. If you have any questions, I’d love to hear them. Either leave them in the comment section below or email them to me at Phatfriendblog@gmail.com
Beggers can’t be choosers but the less “What kinda equipment do you use?” questions and the more “Do you think a pack of wolves could kill a tyrannosaurus rex?” the better. Get weird and creative. It only makes this column better for both of us.
And now, this weeks batch…

WHAT are the things that you are OCD about?

Hmm…first and foremost, time. I’m an unbelievably punctual person. Always early to every thing. I hate being late and I never want to be that guy who making another person wait for them. This is funny , considering, my lifestyle is one that could easily go the other way. Most artists I know are not like this. In fact, most artists live a fluffy cloud where time constraints don’t exist and they’re the only people on earth. Fuck that shit. It’s rude.
On the downside, the amount of time I spend waiting for things and people is insane. Granted, I am first a lot so that’s good for things like movies and buffets (not that I ever go to buffets but, you know, technically).
As for other OCD stuff…I dunno. I’m fairly regimented but I wouldn’t say I’m OCD about it. I just like things how I like them. I’m not THAT Ocd’d out in general. I mean, we all have our quirks but you won’t catch me turning a door knob 5 times or counting french fries on my plate.

I know you and /or Alaska have mentioned somewhat of a disdain for the racist/homophobic stylings of Lord Jamar of Bran Nubian fame. What’s your take on his recent ramblings about how white rappers are “guests” in the house of HipHop,should behave as such, and have no right to make a sort of political statements or comments that go against “house politics”? Personally, I wonder who appointed a no longer relevant rapper spokeperson for an entire culture but I also hated waiting through his verses for Puba and Sadat to rhyme but that’s just me.

In case you haven’t read the article; http://www.hiphopdx.com/index/news/id.25530/title.lord-jamar-says-white-rappers-are-guests-in-hip-hop

I did see this a while back. When I watched the video I thought two things
1)Lord Jamar is a moron
2)He’s got a few points I may not agree with , but he’s not flat out wrong.
The thing is, like a lot of rappers from his era, who are clinging to notoriety, he’s a bitter motherfucker. He was always the worst rapper in Brand Nubian and , outside of making beats for dead prez a while back, hasn’t really done anything of note since the 90’s. That said, I can understand how seeing what’s going on with rap music right now could alarm him. He’s obviously one of those guys who can’t get past imagery. He sees Kanye in funny outfits and immediately thinks “THAT’S GAY!” , as opposed to the more typical reaction of “Kqnye is a moron!”. Clearly, Jamar has issues with gayness and white people. Here’s the thing though: He always has. He simply hasn’t softened his stance. It’s an ignorant stance (particularly the gay stance) and one that shows a serious lack of critical thinking on his part but , hey, it’s not like this is a new thing to him. He was killing gays in his songs before Macklemore had ever rapped.
Now, as for his whole take on white rappers, I kinda do see his point. I don’t full on agree with it but, to an extent, we are guests. At least those out there who are adamantly speaking on “real hip hop”. If that’s your angle, then you gotta respect that , a a white rapper, this isn’t your music. However, weirdo white rappers who don’t care about that kinda shit? Eh…Let them be. They obviously have their own thing going and most likely don’t even think about the race politics like that.
Whatever the case, Jamar is an idiot either way so, even if he was 100% right, that wouldn’t change.

How do you get your music (that you listen to, not sample) nowadays? Are you a Spotify/Rdio guy? Itunes? CDs & Vinyl from record stores? …torrents?? After reading your post on Quelle I just noticed Quelle Chris has most of his material on Spotifty so i became curious

I find out about music online…mostly from websites and blogs and , depending on what it is, I buy it on I-tunes. Assuming it’s there. Sometimes Bandcamp as well. I don’t listen to spotify, the radio or pandora (and other similar sites). Not cause I have an issue with them but cause I would rather just put stuff into my Ipod and listen to things I know I like. I’m the type of guy who likes to discover music at my own pace so some site that’s picking it for me based on algorithms doesn’t really appeal to me.

This is less of a question…more of a gift from me to you, haha. Can you please share with us all your thoughts concerning why it would be great if the “FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS!” phrase was banned from the internet moving forward?

Holy shit to I hate that phrase. The idea that people on the internet are writing that to other people on the internet is mind numbing. If you’re really in a place to complain about third world problems, guess what , bro? You’re not online. You’re probably on line though…waiting behind 400 people to get whatever food you can scrounge for your poor family in the middle of nowhere.
Beyond the whole idea of “First world problems” being obnoxious and that strange kind of finger pointing that’s only done by passive aggressive hippies, it’s also a hack joke at this point. Writing that on someones facebook post is the same to me as someone quoting Borat or doing the “Yeahhhhh baby!” from austin powers. It just shows a lack of any sort of creativity on the persons part. It’s like a stock response that means nothing.
Typically, it’s done when someone complains/jokes online about something technological. Like an I-phone. Or their heat no working. I recall during last years black out, I was posting about it and a few assholes threw me the “First world problems” shade. I wanted to reach through my computer and strangle them…via their computer…that they were calmly typing on well situated in the first world.
The bottom line is, if you’re reading this (or facebook or twitter or whatever) you’re mostly likely not in a position to judge others for speaking about whatever trivial shit may be going relating to that world they live in..cause, chances are, it’s about the same as your fucking world. Tweet me when your town well goes dry and warlords start kicking down doors. Then you might have a case.

why do you think the music video is a dying art form?…because it is….
why don’t you make more music videos?

I don’t know if dying is the right way to look at it. Now that MTV doesn’t show videos any more the importance of them has shifted. Where, back in the day, you could have a pretty standard video by a group get love simply cause it existed and got played on tv, nowadays, everyone watch Youtube. So, in order for a video to have impact, it’s got to be more than just image thrown to sound. In way, it’s caused people to be more creative with less money. The results have made some pretty awesome videos. That said, the days of videos of puffy on an ocean liner pouring Moet on hoes are gone. It’s all about “viral” now so everyone is just trying to be that new wave. That also changes how videos are made.
As for me personally, I don’t do it cause it costs money and I’m not a filmmaker. Every video I’ve ever has made has been the result of Ninja tune or a fan of mine taking the reins. Thank god they did cause I’d never do it. I simply don’t think about that kinda shit. I make instrumental music. It’s simply not an element that pops in my head to act on. I realize this is a detriment to my well being but the drive for me to do it simply isn’t there. That said, if someone wants to make me a video, I’m all for it. It’s more the initiation of making one on my own that I don’t have a flair for.

What do you respect/admire most about your girlfriend?

It’s actually my girls B-day today so this question is good timing.
Let’s see…what do I respect and admire about her. Her great fashion sense. That’s it.
Just kidding.
She’s unbelievably kind and caring. She’s generous. She’s extremely smart. She’s empathetic on a level I’ll never wrap my robot brain around. She’s funny and most of all, she’s not crazy. She’s a person who can (most times) think with logic and reason , which is a highly under rated personality trait when dealing with the other sex. This trait is one I probably wouldn’t have even thought of noticing 10 years ago but when you find a girl who possesses it, it’s like you wonder how you ever dated anyone without it. It’s also one that really only matters when you’re in a relationship with another person cause I’ve got female friends who I get along with great and adore that it’s a non-issue with, even though, I’d imagine dating them would be a nightmare of miscommunication and screaming matches.
You know how you have friends in relationships who are always talking about misunderstandings and arguments with their significant other? When you’re with someone who is of sound mind and is able to reason, those things aren’t an issue. Discussions don’t blow up into arguments cause it allows both parties to speak clearly not let rage over take everything.
That quality is fantastic. And, the way I see it with my girl, it’s a huge bonus when added onto all the other great things about her. It’s the icing on the cake, if you will.

Asap Rocky: Back and forth

A while back, ASAP Rocky and Danny Brown did a little sit down convo for Noisey.com where they basically just shot the shit and discussed topics such as fucking Kathy Griffin, groupies off twitter and smoking weed. It was amazing.
Here are two of the 5 parts but I suggest you watch them all.

Anyway, Noisey must have know they hit on something cause they basically gave ASAP Rocky an interview show. The result is Rocky talking to the likes of Snoop Lion, Riff Raff and Kathy Griffin. ASAP is a curious interviewer in the sense that he seems to not know much about anything but he’s also personable enough to keep the conversations rolling. It’s an interesting mix to say the least.
Cause I’m on the road and can’t be writing anything of value, today’s entry is simply these vids. Some entertaining shit right here. Enter the wormhole…
Let’s start with a truly bizarre and somewhat uncomfortable talk with Kathy Griffin

Snoop Lion (God I hate having to type that name out)

And how could we forget Riff Raff. These two seem like old friends.

There are some more out there if you really feel like digging deeper. Time well spent!

Demo Reviews Vol. 34

Back once again with a new batch of demos to review.
This is that thing where readers send me their demo’s to review, with full knowledge that I’m most likely gonna not like it very much. Admittedly, i’m a tough critic and I’m , in general, “over it” so take it all with a grain of salt. If you’re curious about sending me a demo to review, I’m afraid now is not the time. When that time comes, I’ll be sure to announce it on all my social networks. Trust me, you’ll be the first to know. But, for now, don’t send me anything.
This is a curious bunch. First of all, a bunch of similar artist names pop up. Dunno if it’s a trend or just kismet. Secondly, remember a few weeks ago where we had a bunch of good submissions? I thought that might be a trend forming but I was sadly mistaken. This batch is not for the faint of heart. Not so much just bad as more just really unpolished. I dunno…maybe it’s me. You be the judge.
As for the reviews themselves, I do a brief write up then rate the songs from 1-10 in these categories:

I can’t stress enough how little these number ratings mean but I know they make things easier to grasp.
Anyway, let’s get into it…
Artist: Brotherhood of Machines
Song: Dead dog dead spartan

This is a nice little atmospheric jam. It builds slowly but once it gets going , it certainly had a pleasant mood to it. It’s almost too low key in that there wasn’t anything keeping me around for when it finally does pick up steam. I think, with demos, you gotta have something that attracts the listener immediately. Otherwise, people tend to miss out on the good parts cause they hear the first 20 seconds and then skip it. That said, this was cool, it just lacked anything that grabs you off the bat.
Production:5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist:Minger on Machines
Song: Dirty Window

(Take note, this is the second artist this week with the word “Machines” in their name)
This really isn’t my bag. Heavy synths that don’t really take me anywhere till the very ending. I’m sure the drums were made that way on purpose but, unless the point of this song was to be understated, it needs more from a percussive perspective. I dunno…songs like this just seem like knob twisting nerdery (that sounds way worse that I mean it to be). something I probably couldn’t do but also something I would never want to do (or listen to). I’m simply not the target audience for this. It would work as a horror movie score though.
Production:4 out of 10
Listenability:3 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Earl Maverick

This is painfully amateur on so many levels. The recording levels, the terrible drums, the mix, the bland classical music samples. It’s just an overall production that is so far from being ready, I’d say it may be time to stay in the lab for a year or two and just figure out the mechanics of how to make a proper song. That said, the rapper actually sounded decent and could possibly be good…it’s hard to tell cause he was mixed to badly but it sounded like something was there. My advice would be to get a new producer and an engineer and focus on writing raps.
Production:2 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:2 out of 10
Originality:3.5 out of 10

Artist:Chucky T
song: Shaolin ish

This was written in the description: “kind of sloppy but i recorded it and shadowed it in one try so fuck it
1st try or die”
Well, yeah. That about explains it. It’s too bad they were in such a rush cause there is potential here. The beat is utterly forgettable but works as a bland template for a rapper to rhyme over. The rapper is kinda decent but the recording sucks and the doubling of the vocals is mad annoying. Leave the vocal doubling to Tupac and, instead, maybe just work on getting one really good take. It definitely falls off the rails as it goes into his non-written shit…I dunno. I’m a guy who is as lazy as can be but if you’re gonna make music and present it to people, take a little pride in it. At least try to sound like you care.
Production:3 out of 10
Vocals:4 out of 10
Listenability:3.5 out of 10
Originality:2 out of 10

Artist: Fixed error
Song: Twisted Logic

This is some quirky sounding video game music. It’s like a more enjoyable version of that “Minger on machines” demo from earlier. While this is also not my bag, i definitely thought the producer was polished and had an interesting vision for his music. For what it is, I’m not mad at it.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals: n/a
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:6 out of 10

Artist: MC Facepalm
Song: Power walk with agro crag

Jesus christ dude…typically, I get excited when i see Bandcamp links cause they’re often of higher quality. I have no clue what’s going on here. Either this dude is like electro wesley willis or he’s just reallllllly terrible.

I feel like I’m hearing a joke i don’t get. Yeah, that what this is…and inside joke i don’t get. I’m sure plenty of you will vote for this as a joke but, come on guys…you’re better than that.
Production: 3 out of 10
Vocals:2 out of 10
Listenability:3 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist: Josip on deck
Song:Temple of Hours

While I loathe beats like this (synthetic string sounds like this are the bane of my existence) this kinda works. The rapper is solid and the trap-ish beat is decent enough. I’d say they need some better mixing (the bleep sound that comes in is WAY too loud) but considering how much this really could have sucked, this is okay. I’d say mostly that’s due to the rapper simply having a nice presence on the mike , even though his lyrics are totally forgettable.

Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:2.5 out of 10

Artist:Young Machines
Song:Ghost in the machine Feat. Dr. Montlebon

THIRD ARTIST WITH THE MORE “MACHINES” IN THE TITLE THIS WEEK! Wow. Might be time to stop using that word in your name, guys. Who knew?
Anyway, this is some mellow rockish synth shit. Kinda sounds like a dude doing simple vocal warm ups over a trip hop beat. At best, It’s non-offensive background music for a heroin addict. in fact, i could see it being THE JAM, in that sense. But, to my non-herioned out ears, it just kinda mellow and meandering. not bad but also not compelling at all.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:3 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Ridic Feat Kool G Rap
Song:Always in my Prime

So, I’m assuming this dude bought a Kool G rap verse?
He’s highly average , if not slightly below average, on every level. The beat is listenable but also not spectacular. Here’s an amateur move: When you do a song with a rapper who is more known than you, if you rap about him in your verse, it’s corny. It’s outward geeking. Not a good look and something lots of young rappers do when on tracks with their idols, understandably.
As for G rap’s verse…he’s my all time favorite but it’s kind of a snoozefest. I didn’t expect much more as this is most likely him selling some fan a throwaway verse.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:4 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:2 out of 10

Song:Me,my drums and you

This sounds vaguely familiar…have I reviewed this before?
Anyway, it is what it is. She’s decent. The beat is decent. There isn’t much setting it apart from more rap mellow weed rap. It’s certainly not bad but , when I hear stuff like this, I always wonder who’s bumping it. Like who, with all the music on earth at their disposal is pick this to listen to? Not really a knock on this specifically as I think that all the time about most average music.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

What do you think?

The porn Star Questionnaire: Angel Del Ray


It’s been a minute since I’ve done one of these and it’s a shame. Not surprisingly, it’s the most read column I do. Why? Cause dudes love porn. I’ve asked Asa Akira and Kristina Rose these same questions over a year ago and EVERY DAY they’re still one of the most viewed pages on this blog.
Go figure. The amount men want to read about what girls think about sex, especially porn actresses, is crazy. So, for all you dudes out there, here’s another one. This time around it’s Angel Del Rey. She was kind enough to take the time and answer my really annoying questionnaire with honesty and patience. If you’d like to know more about this lovely lady, follow her on twitter https://twitter.com/YOLAWNDUHSANDY. She’s newer to the game than the past interviewees so this is a slightly different perspective. Enjoy…

Blah blah boring….but neccesary.

Name? (porn name, we don’t want creeps finding out your info)

Angel Del Rey

22 as of October 5th


Where you from?
Los Angeles

Let’s get to know you.

Do you read much?(I’d ask what books but I don’t read shit so I don’t really care)
All the time.
I love reading.

Do you watch a shit load of TV? If so, what shows?
Well I don’t have a scale to compare to, shit comes in different sizes so I’d say I probably watch a couple of series on television such as Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead, How I Met Your Mother, and I can’t think of much

Do you watch porn on your own time?
No, only when I’m not having sex do I need porn, which is almost never.

What kind of music do you listen to mostly?
This question has almost every music genre in here.
I also can’t just throw music into genres because there’s so many different styles thrown into one song.
But I grew up on classic rock.
So I’d go with that one.

How often do you exercise?
I exercise I’d say never.

Can you do 10 man style push ups?
Yes I can.


What’s your type? (IE: Skater, rock dude, MMA fighter, Nerd, Questionably straight)
I’d say alive is my type.
I never really seem to date the same type of dude.
Alive is usually the common denominator.

What’s good height for a dude?

You down with fat guys?

What race is your favorite? (it’s ok, no one will think you’re racist)
I’m totally racist. White is my favorite race.

How important is a male’s body hair situation?
Not all that important.
Hair on the head is very important though.

Girls always talk about how important a guys hands are. That’s bullshit, right?
Complete bullshit.

This is a hot topic for men. Pretty much, no matter what they say, every dude alive wants to know these answers cause we’re all obsessed with our own penis. Is it childish? fuck yeah. But trust me, this will be the most closely read part of this entire interview. PLEASE be honest.

Honestly if it gets the job done, I’m satisfied.
There’s such a thing as too big.
Not fun for small girls like myself.

If you had to pick, 5 inches and thick or 10 inches and thin?
5 inches and thick

On a scale of one to ten, how much does size really matter to you?


Name a porn guy who’s dick is too big (if there is such a thing)
J Mac
Too big.
I did a scene with him for Reality Kings called 8th Street Latinas

Crooked dicks: A problem or something you can work with?
Something I can work with, but prefer not to.

This may be the most sensitive topic of all cause, you know, people might read this. They probably won’t but I know how things are. Try your best to answer these questions truthfully.

Do you feel like you constantly wanna smack the shit out of most of the other actresses in the business or do you find you get along with most of them?

All the time.
Most of the girls are really naive and dumb.
Most of them actually think they’re going to become famous.
I’ve only gotten along with a couple of girls. Which is rare.
Extremely rare.

Has what has gone down in scene ever led to a fist fight with another girl who you had just done that scene with?
Girl had a yeast infection and still came to work anyways which is disgusting and didn’t say anything until after. The dick went from her pussy to mine halfway during the scene.

Who is your favorite male performer to work with?
John Anthony

I know porn actresses have lists of dudes they won’t work with. Who’s #1 on your “No fly” list? why?
I have girls on the no fly list.
Dudes aren’t really the problem in the industry.

How often to people fart during scenes? And how do you stop laughing when that happens?
Never really happened.

How long were you working before you felt comfortable in front of the camera?
I felt comfortable since the beginning.

What’s the best place to film? indoors? outdoors? on a bed? On a kitchen table? on top of a freshly killed Elk (I’ve seen this video…it exists)?
On a bed.
It’s never really as comfortable as it looks. It’s actually almost never comfortable.
Everything we do is in an uncomfortable position.

Is a DP scene ever worth it? And do you secretly thing the two dudes doing it are kind of gay?
Never did a DP scene. Sorry to disappoint. Working omit though. It’ll come soon enough.
No pun intended.

We all like to get our buzz on. Well, not all of us but most of us.

What’s your drug of choice?
When I do drugs, which is never, is nothing.
Sorry to disappoint on that as well.

You a drinker? If so, like a party time drinker or one of those motherfuckers that likes wine?
I love me some alcohol.
Vodka with Redbull

Cant’ stress the honesty point enough…

You gotta man?
Yes. I have a man.

Has fucking on camera made off camera sex better or worse for you?
Hasn’t changed a thing except I appreciate the hard work that you guys do to please me.

Do you actually enjoy anal? Do you do it in your normal sex life? If so, how long did it take get to the point where you liked it?

Idk why but it feels amazing.

Favorite position?

Scale of 1-10 how much do you like just laying in bed with a dude you like and making out for hours?
Not at all.
I like sex and making out is lame.

As for cumming, do you find you get off better from clitoral stimulation, getting fucked with a penis, a mixture of both or you’re not someone who cums much (or at all)?

There has to be penetration.

Do you do the gagging on a dick thing in your normal sex life?
Not fun but guys are usually into it.
I personally don’t need to gag.

Cum: Is it at all gross to you?

Are you actually bi-sexual in the sense that you would date another woman?
Yes. I love women.
But I love dick too much to give it up.

Does it bug you out when you meet a fan and you just know he’s masturbated to you? or is that somehow a turn on?
It’s a lil embarrassing.
But flattering nonetheless.


Assuming you’re on twitter, do many celebrities ever try and fuck you via DM?

Only happened once.
Not sure how many times it will happen though. *wink wink celebs*

In real life, have you ever been hit on by anyone super famous? Name names?

Rob kardashian totally eye fucked me when I worked at a certain mall near Calabasas
It happened.

If you could fuck one famous person, who would it be?
Justin Bieber. Only because he fucked Selena Gomez and I totally love her.

If you could kill one famous person (and get away with it) who would it be?
Oprah. Because it’s Oprah.

If you had to fuck one dude from Jersey shore, who would it be?
Pauly D seems sweet.

Without naming names, have multiple famous married men offered you money for sex?
Can’t say. But yeah.


Tim and I discuss music and stuff vol. 48

This week, Tim and I discuss the music of Faith No more, Necro/Kool G rap and the Ultramagnetic MC’s. I also further my quest to let everyone know how much I truly hate cats…cause I really , really do. While Tim agrees with me, I’m not totally sure he actually watched the video judging from his reaction. It should unite us, not divide us.

Answers for questions vol. 158

What up everyone…
Back off the road for a few days. Big shout out to the people who came to the shows this week. They were awesome. Little People and I hit Colorado this week starting thursday so, if you live in Ft. Collins, Denver or Boulder, let’s get it on this weekend. More info here: https://phatfriend.com/2013/08/27/upcoming-blockhead-shows-tis-the-season/
As for this column, you know the drill. Send me your questions and I will answer them. ALso, I’m running low on “Ask Dr. Tony” questions so , if you need advice on any topic, send them my way. I can help you (maybe) while you give me content for this blog. See how that works? Also, it’s anonymous so don’t worry about it.
Send me questions of any sort to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below.
And now, on with the show…

How many hours of the week do you spend working on your blog vs working on your music? If you’re not touring, how much time do you spend working on your music? Do you have some kind of routine?

It really depends. The only thing that’s for sure is that, during the week, I do tend to work on my blog every day. I wake up and write it. I don’t work on music every day. That said, when I’m working on music, I tend to work longer on that than I would writing a seething critical piece about men with feet fetishes and the women who tolerate them.
With music, I either work when I feel like it or I work specifically on something. If I’m not working on an album, remix or project with an MC, it’s kinda open. I work when the mood hits. This can mean every day or this can mean I don’t touch my equipment for weeks at a time. Lately, it’s been more the former though as , I find, doing a little something every day is not only satisfying but it makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something other than deepening the butt print in my couch.
As for my routine, I do have one. Being a dude without a real job and no time constraints, while awesome, can be TOO much freedom. I’ve learned that having a routine helps create order in my life. It’s not like I was every out of control or anything but it can make a person feel pretty aimless when you do nothing all day for weeks on end. So my routine is wake up, write my blog, argue with people on the internet, get out of bed, go eat, watch something on tv while I eat, then work on music. This is all assuming I have a free day. After that, I do whatever. Play ball, hang with friends, watch more tv. But that little bit of order makes a huge difference.

You have talked about shitting here and there. You have said things like “shitting is where some of my best thinking happens” and “I’m sure heroin feels great, but so does taking a big dump.” So I’m wondering…do you think women like a good shit just as much as men? Do you know any girls who read and poop? I really think this whole thing is a male-only phenomenon, but I wanna know your opinion.

As I’m not a woman, I can’t really say who enjoys shitting more.I’d imagine relief is relief, right? What I do know if that you’ll rarely see a girl camp out on a toilet with their Ipad for 45 minutes while taking a long, luxurious, Hemorrhoid forming dump. While this is pretty standard for most dudes. I have known girls who read while they poop but it’s a brief read. I dunno, I think , for men, time on the toilet is our time. We can sit back and just expel waste forever while we collect out thoughts or catch up on our correspondences. Especially those of us with live in wives/gf’s. It’s a great way to get some alone time. I’d imagine, for some men, it’s their favorite part of the day.

Which city in NORTH AMERICA has the most talent? Give your top four choices, no ties.
Ps: i mean talent the girl way not rapping talent of course!

DUH. Not even close really as we have variety and numbers. We also have the gift that is puerto rican and dominican girls by the truck loads so that gives us the edge of most places on the west coast that boast lots of beautiful women.
I mean, it’s where pretty people move to. It only makes sense. Sure, it’s a little more plastic out there but the numbers are astounding Also, they have a really great amount of indecipherable raced girls who are always hot. Like half filipino/jewish mash ups that are insanely fly.
Less variety there but, goddamn, those girls are gorgeous. As a bonus, they’re also fun and kinda crazy. First time I went there I was blown away. Not only by the amount of hot girls but the terrible dweeb ass boyfriends they all had.
4)Miami or Austin
It’s a tough call. On one side you got a place where the hottest latina girls and the sluttiest white trash girls with the best bodies ever live on the other you have a place where tons of young people live and it pretty much funnels in all those hot girls from texas and other parts of the south that “want more” than whatever hometown they live in. It’s like a lesser version of L.A. over there

These next three work as a trio…and feel as if they were asked to me by someone somewhat foreign and fairly young
1. As a hip hop listener, did you ever learn something meaningful from lyrics? (apart from how to roll a blunt or something)

Do i learn anything? God no. Unless I’m listening to some shit like “Nature of the threat” (which is debatable teachings to begin with)

, I don’t think I “learn” much from any music. It’s entertaining. It will sometimes make me think. But learning and gaining knowledge? Not really.

2. Are you ever being put off by a rapper because of his/her lyrical content? As in you like his voice, flow etcetera but can’t stand what he’s trying to get across

The only times this happens to me is the reverse of what I think you’re going for here. I get turned off by a rapper who talks about his corny spirituality and vague mysticism. That, to me, can be a dead end. The way I see it, I think about the idea of being in a room with that person. Would I wanna actually converse with this dude about that shit? Hell no. In fact, when someone does that to me in real life I zone out immediately and think the person is crazy. Where as, if I was in a room with a drug dealing murderer, that would be a pretty fucking intriguing conversation. I’d be all ears.
But, in general, lyrical content is what the rapper makes it. I feel like a good rapper can rap about anything and it will sound good. So there are always exceptions.

3. Don’t you ever get tired of the repetetiveness of rap topics? (bit of a colored question, cause I do)

Like I said above, a good rapper can make it work. Sure,Pusha T is mailing it in now but he did two albums and few mixtapes when he was in the clipse rapping about nothing but selling cocaine and it was awesome. I’m afraid, in general, rap is a repetitive. even in it’s musicality. If that had been an issue for me, I probably would have never fucked with it in the first place.

What city would you be most interested in visiting in both Asia and South America? (in general, not for a show)

This is gonna be depressing but the amount of traveling I’ve done for touring has completely sucked the desire to go anywhere out of me. Especially long flights. It sucks cause I now equate traveling with work and me getting sick (which seems to happen all the time when I’m flying more than 2 times a week). However, to answer your question, I suppose I’d wanna see Tokyo. I love big cities and that is one of the biggest so that would be kinda awesome. also, the food (which is really the driving force behind any trip I’d ever take). As for south america, I’m not sure. I feel like I’d enjoy tons of places there. I’d like to see parts brazil and argentina but I’ve actually heard that Bogota, Columbia is awesome as well. I should also add that my knowledge of geography is embarrassing so I’m probably just listing the first names that popped in my head.

Think of your strata (or whatever you call it) of male friends who are around your same age. Do any of them NOT struggle with sleeping and falling asleep in general, that you know of?

What a strange question. Not sure how age plays into this cause I’ve been a shitty sleeper since my early 20’s.
With sleeping, it’s one of those “you either are or you aren’t” kinda things. Some dudes can pass out, high on coke, in a room full of people screaming. Some can’t fall asleep if they were being massaged by angels in a bed made of love. It’s just how we are. Sure, there are times when people are stressed and sleeping will be more of an issue but , in general, you do or you don’t.
I’m unable to fall asleep on planes or nap anywhere. I simply can’t shut my brain down enough to pass out in most situations. I have plenty of friends who can do both those things with great vigor. All I can do is quietly be jealous of them.