Time for another installment of Fuck/marry/kill, America’s favorite board game that the whole family can play!
As always, I must preface this with me reminding you that this is all jokes. I’m well aware that I don’t possess the power to fuck, marry or kill any of these people/things. So, you know, if you find this kinda thing offended jut remember you’re the one who’s reading an article entitled “Fuck/marry/kill”. It’s not exactly a misleading title.
Anyway, if you have any good F/m/K options you’d like me to take a whirl at in future columns, leave them in the comment section below. I’m open to all ideas but , just know, I’ve done a lot of these so it might be time to get creative.
Okay…on with the show.
F/M/K/: Known scientologist edition
Erika Christensen, Bijou Phillips, Elisabeth Moss
Fuck: Bijou Phillips
This scraggle teethed goon has been on my hit list forever. Perhaps it’s cause she was so awesome in the movies “Bully” and “Havoc” where she basically plays the same character: An awful piece of trashy shit who looks amazing naked.
One thing is clear, Philips has lived a life. She was out clubbing when she was like 13 and probably doing mad amounts of drugs well into her 20’s. She’s weird looking but, goddamnit, I think she’s hot. I have no rhyme or reason (well, I got some reasons) but she does it for me. That said, marrying her would be the worst idea ever as who the hell knows what that would entail. Her unpredictability is both a gift and curse in this situation.
Marry: Elisabeth Moss
(yes, I picked the best possible picture of her I could find. I’m marrying her, for christs sake!)
This is a hard pick cause I’m not really attracted to her. She kinda looks like a Pekingese dog to me. Like she always looks slightly terrified. But there is something lovable about her and that leads me to believe she’d make the best wife of the three choices above. She dated Fred Armisen which is, well, interesting. I dunno…I think she just kinda wins this one by default.
Kill: Erika Christensen
You know life is an uphill battle when you’re that actress who everyone else thinks is Julia Styles. That plain as plain can be ,pan face swag is not a swag you really want. But, sadly, both Christensen and Styles have it. Although , I will say that Christensen does have an edge to her. Mainly she has a body. Also, She seems crazy. I mean, shit, she’s a scientologist so that’s half true but, beyond that, she seems a little nutty. For some, that might be a turn on cause, often, crazy equals good sex but , i dunno…I feel like a crazy scientologist might just mean she’ll stick moon rocks up my ass and then make me takes some weird word association test. I want no part of that.
F/m/K: Ipod, Discman, Walkman
I’m not stupid. I know that times change and getting stranded in the way things were is pointless. So, if you’re a person who can possibly rationalize not marrying the Ipod, go fuck your self. You’re lying. Not only does it hold endless music but it also is basically a cell phone that doesn’t make phone calls. I can play candy crush on that shit! What!?!?!?
Easy choice. Not even close and that’s coming from a dude with tons of nostalgic connections to all that old school shit. But still…it’s 2013 and gimmie a fucking break.
I mentioned above my nostalgic connection. Well, i was a walkman wearing motherfucker for most of my life. I was that kid who always had headphones draped around his neck. I made mix tapes for myself to listen to and that, in itself, was a special thing to me. Fitting as many songs on a 90 minute tape as I could to maximize my listening pleasure. It really honed my “making mixes for girls” skills that would later get me laid. Sure, you had to rewind and fast forward manually but that was all part of the interactive feeling you had with music during that time. Flipping tapes over, studying liner notes…all that stuff is cause of cassettes and , i feel, led to a more intimate relationship with the music.
I was hyped on Discman when they dropped. Skipping songs was never easier and you could make mixes in like 20 seconds. However, as someone who was walking everywhere, discman failed. They would skip all the time and , if your cd got scratched, you were screwed. I owned my fair share of them over the years but I never felt connected to them like I did my walkmen. I also got robbed for one of them when I was in high school so that’s still a sour point in my mind.
The way I see it, you either go all the way with technology like an Ipod or keep it simple like a walkman. The discman was an uncomfortable in between.
Fuck/Marry/Kill,the “Scrubs” edition:
Sarah Chalke, Judy Reyes, Christa Miller
Kill: Christa Miller
Maybe it’s cause I’ve actually seen the show Scrubs before and it swayed me but, from what I understand, she has plastic surgery on her face. To me, that’s a no go. No one had ever looked better in their 40’s cause they got botoxed and weird lip work done. She’s pretty in a midwestern Milf kinda way but the work she’s had done is just too big a turn off. Perhaps the technique used to kill her could be something involving her being melted down so her parts stay biodegradable.
Fuck: Sarah Chalke
I’ve always thought she was cute. Even when she became the second Becky on “Roseanne”. She’s very all american looking to me and, honestly, that’s kinda boring. So, while she could be marriage material, she could also be a cadaver in bed and make my life miserable. Only one way to find out! On the downside, if she is actually a good time, I may have made the wrong choice. But, hey, i’m not really a gambling man so I like to play it safe in situations like this. Did I mention that, in real life, she probably wouldn’t fuck me for a million dollars? I felt i should clarify that right about now.
Marry: Judy Reyes
I’ve mentioned the thing all NYC white boys have for latina women before…we grew up slobbering over them in high school and mostly getting rejected so it’s a hard crush that doesn’t ever seem to go away. I don’t even think Judy Reyes is particularly that hot…but she’s got “it”. If I knew her in high school, I’d be that dude sitting at the lunch table with her trying to make her laugh while she’s just like “Oh my god, nigga, you are so corny.shut uppp!” all day…and I’d love it. This pick is simply just engrained in my DNA , it would seem.
F/M/K:Tarantino movies, Spike Lee movies, Michael Bay movies
Marry: Tarantino movies
Some people like to find reasons to hate on Tarantino movies. They try REALLY hard. Like I wish I could apply that much energy to anything. However, in general, they tend to be uber-annoying contrarians so fuck those people. I , for one, think he’s awesome. He went from someone who made really entertaining action/art films to someone who simply found his groove and now makes amazing exploitation films with great dialogue and acting. That’s kinda of the perfect movie. You can put on most of his films and any point and just watch them. They’re just extremely entertaining and well made. Sure, they have flaws but what marriage doesn’t?
This was actually a tough choice. Cause, if Michael Bay movies were a girl, they’d be a blonde with fake tits , flat stomach and vagina that hasn’t had hair on it since the 90’s. She’d also be a coke head though. With Spike lee, it’s a mixed bag. He’s made some good movies. he’s made some bad movies. And , more frequently, he’s made a good movie with a terrible ending. No director eats more shit in the last 15 minutes of his movies than Spike lee. It’s too bad too cause, when he’s good, he’s awesome. Anyway, I’d “Fuck” his movies cause they do have value and ,even though the end of the sex might be lame, at least the foreplay would be awesome. Where as if I were to fuck a Michael Bay movie, my asshole would probably end up getting fisted against my will and there would be explosions.
Kill: Michael Bay
Really, his movie would fuck me way before I could fuck it. So, in order to avoid that, i’mma kill him. He makes balls to walls, dumb, loud movies for people who like explosions. don’t get it twisted…he’s made a few good ones. But, for the most part, he makes fucking awful 2.5 hour long music videos with way too many slow motion shots of people walking away from expolosions. Killing his movies might hurt the film industry but I’m pretty sure the national IQ would raise a little bit as a result.