Friends, how many of us have them? Well, I would hope most of us cause, otherwise, that’s pretty depressing. Even weirdo shut in, trench coat mafia types have at least one friend. But, if you’re one of those people, first and foremost, my apologies. Secondly, this post ain’t for you. No, this one is for the at least marginally socially adjusted folks out there who are actually able to maintain human relationships with other humans. The topic came up cause recently a friend of mine got stuck hanging out with an old friend. Someone from the past who is so far removed from their current life, it’s as if they’ve never met. Hearing about this time the two former friends spent together got me thinking about the different types of friendships we gain (and lose) as time passes. I figure it might fun to make a friendship glossary , as I see it. Now, keep in mind, I’m me. Not you. So how I view this shit could easily be different than how you do. You might be a person who meets someone, befriends them and , within a week of knowing them, you are ready to take a bullet for them. If that’s you, more power to you, but I’m not that guy. I’ve always been careful about friends. Not just who I chose to spend time with but how much time I want to spend with that person and under what circumstances. It should also be noted that male/male friendship , make/female friendships and female/female friendships are all completely different animals. So, let’s get into this, as I see it…feel free to disagree but also know that I don’t really give a shit what you think on this topic if you do. Cause I don’t know you, friend!

1) The Best friend
For men, this a weird term to use. Anytime I hear another man refer to his close friend as his “best friend”, it rubs me the wrong way. It’s just not in our nature to be ranking motherfuckers like that. As much as we men like arbitrary lists, friendship is a looser reality to us.
The way I see it, I have a handful of “Best friends”. There are dudes who I’ve known forever, love like brothers and spend the majority of my time with. They are also dudes who , when we’re together, we pretty just just sit around saying the meanest shit possible to each other. Sure, we’re joking…but it’s a brutal climate. It’s also hilarious. But, to me, a best friend is someone you can say some scathing shit to and they are able to laugh it off. Lines can certainly be crossed but, in general, the friendship is based on two people having a deep understanding. A deep understanding of another persons intentions and where they’re really coming from. My close friends that berate me know it’s all good…because it is. Where as some outsider friend could say the same shit and I’d want to kill them.
As an outsider looking in, I feel as if girl best friends are either uncomfortably close or completely replaceable. Girls tend to have either a die hard crew of friends that will be around forever or they have a rotating door of girls that come in and out of their lives. The latter type are pretty much the worst and I’d deeply advise against ever befriending them. If your homegirl is always talking about huge fallouts with former best friends, guess what? She’s a magnet fro drama and a shitty person.
But, yeah, as far as ACTUAL best friends. Where guys sit around jovially shitting on one another as the bonding experience, girls get deep. They talk for hours, sleep in the same beds and cry together. Shit is weird as fuck to me but, hey, better them than me. A good female friendship is a great way to alleviate the shitty hyper-emotional parts of being a boyfriend, so I’m all for it.

2)The social friend
This is a friend who you enjoy when you see them but draw a strict line as to when and where that is. They don’t get phone calls to chat. They don’t get random texts. They get invited to parties and you’re always happy to see them. You don’t keep up with this persons daily dealings. If they break up with their gf/bf, you find out 4 months after it happened. You do wish them a happy birthday on Facebook though so that’s nice of you.

3)The Fuck up
This is that friend who was once great that just fell a little too deep into whatever vice it is they love. They went from life of the party guy who got tons of girls in a non-sleazy way to the shit breathed , coke head who corners you in a bar and speaks gibberish to you until you are able to slither away. The sad thing about this friend is that they will sometimes show glimmers of what made them so awesome earlier in life. They’ll remind you what it was that made you so down with them in the first place. unfortunately, those glimmers pass and the dark side comes roaring back. Personally, I’ve learned to cut ties with these types on some level. Like, we’re all good when i see them but I’m not reaching out to them. This is going to sound horrible but, these are the friends that when you get a call about them dying, you’re not surprised. Yeah, it’s as depressing as it sounds.

4)The old friend you kinda hate but is around cause they haven’t gotten the hint
This is my least favorite kind of friend ever. This is that person you went to grade school with that , purely through timing and coincidence , you became “Friends”. Perhaps your parents arranged play dates or maybe you were neighbors. Hell, maybe you simply college roommates your freshman year. Whatever the case, these are the friends that were never meant to be but somehow became. People who you have nothing in common with on any level yet, unexplainably, they think you’re the best and want to be around you all the time. What i loath most about these friends is that they live in a fantasy world. They don’t see obvious and crucial differences that separate friends from acquaintances.An aware person would feel just as weird about the pointless , surface scratching conversations as you do. But no, they just hang around like a mentally challenged cartoon dog, blindly walking through life like shit is sweet. To be fair, there is also a chance you (me)is just an judgmental asshole and this old friend isn’t. Still…that doesn’t make them less annoying to be around.
One of the hardest part of these friends is that it’s not their fault. Other than being oblivious, they often the kindest people you’ll ever meet. Kinda like that woman I always seem to sit next to on the plane who is as sweet as can be but also calls black people “negroes” and voted for George bush with no regrets. They’re simply not on the level. With these friends, I’ve found the slow freeze out works best. Be nice. Be cordial but also , when they wanna hang, ALWAYS have other plans. Eventually , they’ll fade away and you’ll only have to see them at weddings.

5)The In and out friend
This is a person who you think is awesome but they are a rolling stone. They float in and out of your world with no regard for anything. While this bums you out cause, you know, you wish they’d be around more, it also makes their appearances that much more exciting. The bottom line with these types is that they always got somewhere else to be. Most likely, they’re cooler than you and also wildly self important. Whatever the case, a weekend spent with them is usually just enough and when they bounce once again, you’re never surprised. There are also friends you probably shouldn’t rely on for anything…ever. Take them at face value and don’t ever get too emotionally invested in them. Otherwise, you’ll just spend all your time being mad at them for not being the type of friend you wish they were…which is some bitch made emo shit to be mad about.

6)The drinking partner/smoking buddy
This is someone you only see when you’re drunk or high. You guys fucking love each other and tell sloshed/stoned stories to one another. This could be someone you’ve known forever. But I bet you don’t have this motherfuckers phone number! Very similar to the “social friend” but with a constant flow of booze or weed. But the reality is , you guys aren’t really friends, you’re just compatible when you’re fucked up. Which is fine…but this dude isn’t driving you to the airport anytime soon.

7)The frenemy
God I fucking hate that word. This is one where I think there is a divide between the sexes. For men, we don’t really keep around frenemies. We might tolerate them socially but , in general, a frenemy , to man, is a dude you don’t like (but you also don’t hate him) and therefor don’t fuck with on any level outside of giving a pound and moving on.
For girls , however, a frenemy is a real thing. You will call her. You will hang out with her. hell, you’ll crash at her house if needed…but you despise her and everything she stands for. I will never understand why women put up with other girls they hate but I’ve seen it so many times I’ve stopped even asking. I can’t tell if it’s to keep tabs on their enemies or if it’s more of a political thing amongst groups of girlfriends…whatever it is, you ladies need to fix that mess. You can only complain with great vitriol about a “friend” so much before everyone is tired of hearing it. Trust me, No one who is not you cares.

8)Fair weather friends/on and off again friends
These are those types that both seem to make your blood boil while also inexplicably possess something that makes you want to be around them. You fight with them, you don’t talk to them for a month but a week alter you guys are hanging every day. This could also be people who are friendly sometimes , but other times play down their friendship at shitty moments. Like that person who you’ll see out who loves you one day and then ignores you the next based upon who he/she is with. Another name for these types would be “Non-friend pieces of shit”.

9)Platonic friends of opposite sexes
This is a messy one. It’s been said by the poet laureate “Harry” of the Shakespheare play “When harry met sally…” that men and women cannot really be friends but that’s obviously bullshit. As a dude with many female friends, I can tell you they truly do exist…but with an asterix.
All my female friend fall into these groups:
1)Girls I’ve known so long that they might as well not have genitals
2)Ex’s or current girlfriends of my male friends who became my friend
3)Friends of my ex’s/current gf who, in turn, become my friend.
4)Girls I have already had sex with and we’re good on that.
I’m tempted to add “Busted girls with good personalities” but, to be honest, on a strictly physical level , I’d bone most of my female friends. Just saying, that’s ALWAYS there with men and their female friends. Even the old school ones who might as well not have genitals , I can look at and see that, had I met them last year, I’d probably wanna hit it.
Now, i think I’m not abnormal , in terms of how the typical guy thinks of his female friends. They’re my homegirls. But the sexual aspect of it is always there on some level. Even if it’s way way way off in a black hole somewhere deep down in my ballsack.
Now, with girls, I really don’t know what you think of your male friends. Cause, if you mean what you say, then you’re all delusional and oblivious. I’d would guess that the female perspective on this is actually more similar to the males than we guys may think. Sure, my Girlfriend may come home from a night out drinking talking about a new best friend she met named Bill and she may act like it’s a mutual platonic friendship but, deep down, I think she knows he’s trying to hit it…cause he is. THEY ALWAYS ARE.
“no new friends” guys, get familiar.
I think girls are way more capable of being truly platonic friends with men cause, even if they do realize what our intentions might be, they’re able to brush them off ,dance around them, and pretty much ignore the horny elephant in the room. Keeping us at bay is pretty easy. You do that long enough, the man accepts defeat and the real friendship begins. If a dude is hating on every dude you date? He’s not your friend. He’s a slow burn opportunist waiting for his moment.He may respect you and like you…but he still wants to hit it. If a dude is your emotional slave who does all the things a boyfriend does minus the physical contact, he’s not your friend. He’s a broken rag doll of a human…and slow burn opportunist waiting for his moment, just in a much more soft batch way than that other guy. Real friends don’t tip toe around shit. Real friends are just as willing to pick you up the hospital as they are to let you go home with some terrible looking person when you’re a little drunk so they can make fun of you the next day. It goes both ways. If you want to have real platonic male/female relationships, you gotta accept that a man’s friendship is not like a females. If i gotta change how I talk in front of my female friend, then it’s not equal. Same goes for girls around dudes. A girl who is a friend with a dude, should be able to fart around him like it’s nothing. So, unless you feel that way around someone, it’s not a real friendship. It’s something else. Maybe an “advanced acquaintance” or something…

There are many more types of friends…as they are like snowflakes, RIGHT GUYZ?!?!?! but I this is already too long as is. Feel free to add more friend types in the comments. I’m curious to hear some of the obvious ones I left out.

27 thoughts on “Frieieieieiieiends!

  1. How about the friend who’s not really a friend but you pretend you’re boys because he can get weed and you don’t know anyone else closeby who can hook it up. That dude is mad annoying and says borderline racist shit sometimes but if you let him know you think he’s a douche, then you gotta drive all the way to fucking NY just to get an eighth. Sometimes you make that trek just to avoid dealing with that other dude anyway.

    There’s also the work friends. Like that guy who will is always trying to lead a work-related conversation into non-work territories and then you have to keep steering it back because you foresee this leading to him asking if you want to grab a drink after work or something which is awkward because you feel bad that the guy has no life but you certainly don’t want to chill with him.

  2. I think that, to your rolling stone friends, you are the old friend they kinda hate, and to your old friends you kinda hate, you are the rolling stone friend.

    Old friends you hate would (obliviously) say, “I fucking love that guy! He just never seems to be free or very reliable…” Which is basically the exact description of the rolling stone.

    • It’s possible but I was speaking of people who literally come and go from the state I live in. People who are on the move. Also, speaking personally, I’m not the type who calls people and badgers them to hang out. I’m more of someone who’s always in the same place and people come find me. I have fairly open door policy with friends So, in the case of these types of friends, they reach out to me.

      • Understood.

        I was really making one of those jokes that seems like a cool idea but takes so long to read it kinda loses form and stops being a joke.


  3. sometimes i’ll see an acquaintance/old friend and we end up acknowledging each other. i tend to be the guy who will give anyone the benefit of the doubt and attempt a genuine conversation as long as they don’t seem crazy. i’ll say things like “oh we should get together” or “good to see you” and usually mean it, i could probably come across as the person who doesn’t take a hint or something if someone doesn’t care for me but i pick up on that stuff, i just don’t care either way and would rather be cool with everyone i can be. i’d rather that than be too cool or too proud to just be genuine, but i guess i’m not an incredibly social person so i never understood all the fake dynamics of people.

  4. Speaking of friends of the opposite sex, have you ever kicked it with a chick you weren’t at all attracted to? Maaaaan, it sucks! Like, wtf am I doing here? I literally have no desire to be here. Like, I did it to be nice, but never again. All we did was go to the movies, too; It wasn’t even on some intimate type status. Fuck that noise

  5. Guys lovvve to claim that they mean what they say and say what they mean…that they are rational, effective, simple, direct communicators. And we never believe you, wanna know why? Look no further than the way you socialize with us!!

    • Well we are like that , for the most part, around other guys. We’re just more simple about all things it seems. for better or worse. But you understand that girls also refuse to take things we say as fact, right? I mean, sure, there are some terrible lying men out there…tons of them. But if a guy ever says something like “i don’t ant a girlfriend right now” , trust that he means it.

      • Just to clarify, I didn’t mean we never believe a word you say, I meant we don’t believe you when you say things like “why can’t women just communicate like us, we are so direct and to the point!” because you may be like that with other guys but not with us, especially during the friendzoning years haha.

        With ‘I don’t want a gf right now’ I’m sure I’ve done that before when I was younger and did the, hmm maybe he’s just scared or whatever haha. Now, I know I should have thought it was fact…but..always with an asterisk, depending on the context. i.e. I don’t want a gf right now* (*I may want a gf but she isn’t gonna be you *this fuck friends thing is really convenient for me)

      • I don’t know if it’s an issue of “direct and to the point” as much as it is “simplified and logical”. Without emotion. I’m also not saying that is superior way to communicate…it’s just a difference between a lot of men and women. Of course, if a dude is a liar or playing games, that’s all out the window but, in terms of male friends talking to one another, that’s not as much of a commonality.

  6. Guy friends sitting around saying mean shit to each other is pretty much the standard. In your experience, has the shit talking ever escalated too far or gotten too personal? To the point where you were actually pissed off and deaded the friendship altogether, or knocked them down to some lower “friend category”?

    • Not for me personally but I’m not a particularly thin skinned person. I have known guys who caught feeling over that shit before though and, clearly, they weren’t cut out for that type of male relationship.

      • I haven’t figured out the magic number yet, but if you tell someone “I fucked your mom” enough times, eventually they catch real genuine feelings.

  7. What is a healthy percentage in your opinion? Meaning is it bad to have more “rolling stone” friends than say best friends? Its weird but ive never thought this deeply about my friendships before. I rarely reach out to people and tend to do my own thing. What category would facebook friends be placed in? I feel like out of the few hundred of “friends” on there I talk to maybe two people. I generally just use it to keep tabs on foreign chicks I boned who dont have a us number.

    • I don’t think there are any set %’s. They are what they are. Facebook friends, in general, are mostly acquaintances in my eyes. They aren’t even blips on the friend radar on most cases.

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