Defending My Tweets Vol. 2

There comes a time in every mans life where he must stand up and speak for what he believes in. There also comes a time when he just jokes around on the internet and humorless assholes get upset. This is about the latter.
I’m a guy who likes to joke around on the internet. Often, my jokes (funny or not) cause anger or confusion in people. This is not my intention but, hey, it’s also unavoidable. People love to be outraged nowadays. Even more, they love to pretend to give a shit about things that don’t matter. I could make a tweet slighting toaster overs and someone will have something to say about it. That’s just how this all works. So, in an effort to explain myself, I’ve ripped off an idea for the Anthony Jesilnik show. Simple stuff really. I just defend my tweets. Tell you why I said them and exactly what I meant. In most cases, this is totally unnecessary but you’d be amazed at the things people have issues with. So, please, allow me to defend myself.

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I’m a man who travels a lot. I’m in hotels all the time. I can tell you how , the cheaper the hotel, the better chance your internet is free. I can tell you that a “Continental breakfast” can mean anything from a person in a chef hat making free omelettes to warm orange juice and and stale corn muffin. Most of all, I can tell you how they design to hotel room to have as few power sources as possible. That shit will never not baffle me, as I sit on the bathroom floor charing my ipod, cellphone and laptop from the socket next to the sink.
But, one thing I’ve always noticed is the nicer hotels always have the good bathroom spread. Some have a special bar of soap just for your body and separate face soap. I don’t even have that in my own bathroom.
Now, those types of places will always have some nice skin lotion. If you’re a certain type of man, you see skin lotion and it’s prime usage is not keeping your face moisturized. No, us non-dry guys have our own moisture based agenda. Little secret: We masturbate with it.
Another little secret: Porn helps masturbation.
Yet another little secret: Having internet = watching porn.
The road is a lonely place. But, even if it wasn’t, I’d still probably masturbate. It’s a great way to pass time, guys. Also, it feels good.
So, that particular day I made that tweet, I was in a hotel with fantastic bathroom amenities. But, they were charging for internet. Strangely, some of these fancy pants hotels tend to have a $15 daily charge for the internet. I can afford that but I have my principals. One of those is to never pay for internet outside of my home. To some of you, this might not even register as an issue. But my imagination has long been burned out from years of over stimulation and , you know, a dude needs help he can only find on the internet. Basically, it’s like having water but no cup. You can drink it if you have to but a cup would be a game changer. I think , on that particular day, I went thirsty. Damn you fancy hotels and your costly masturbation taxes.

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As you get older, your facebook feed gets lamer and lamer. More cats, more food and, most of all, more babies. I think babies are cute and , if I’m actually friends with a person, I don’t mind seeing their pics. However, on Facebook, all your friends aren’t really your “Friends”. Some are acquaintances. Others are friends of friends. And some are girls you and few of your friends used to have drunken sex with who, at some point in life, would have blown a homeless man for a speck of cocaine. I don’t know what it is about these girls but, even when they seem to have their life together, they can’t seem to ever fully get it right.
To see these ladies get older, get married and have kids is a strange phenomenon that really never existed before social networks. While my first reaction to seeing this person , who I once knew at her lowest moment in life, now holding a new born baby is “Noooooooooo!” , it’s safe to say that, for the most part, a lot of these girls have left that shit behind them and are in a much better place. But, still, some things never die. Many of those “things” are put on display when they post pics of themselves giving ducklips in their bathroom mirror ,mid-twerk, wearing a bra and panties. As a stand alone thing, this is fine. It’s incredibly vein and corny, but fine in the sense it’s not hurting anyone. But you post those kinda pics and then follow them up with pics of your 2 year old kids looking adorable in their halloween costume…you’re simply sending mixed messages. I’m not saying mothers need to all cut their hair short and become asexual beings the second the baby pops out but there should be something that clicks in ones head that says “Hey, maybe take it easy on the erotic selfies for a bit.” There’s a difference between reclaiming your sexual prowess post baby and acting like a stupid teenaged whore (especially when you’re in your 30’s). It’s pretty much something a girl on that MTV show “Teen moms” would do. And if there was ever a code I’d implore ladies to live by it would be “Whatever you think a Teen Mom would do, do the opposite of that”.

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“Oh, the dicks you will see” would be the title of that book.
Holy shit. I’m new to the whole gym culture thing. I pretty much only go to play basketball so my time in the locker room is brief. But never before have I been assaulted by some many flopping cocks in my life (Which is a good thing, I suppose). You walk in the gym and it’s just sea of elderly men not giving a fuck. I’ve changed in a locker room before. I always assumed the rule of thumb was to be quick and non-intrusive about it. Meaning, if you’re fresh out the shower, dry yourself off quickly and put some fucking pants on. On this particular day, I saw a man disrespect the rules on a level I had never seen before. This guy came out the shower, towel wrapped around his waist. Good start, cause lots of these dudes just slow roll around the locker room totally naked. I wasn’t really watching closely cause, well, that’s both rude and not something I need to see. However, the next time I glanced over, this guy had a T-shirt on, but was totally bottomless, and was standing there talking to some dude, dick hanging, with his leg propped up on a stool. It was as if he was in the worst Captain Morgans commercial of all time. Who puts the shirt on first????!?!? Why!??!!?!?!? The dude he was talking to was noticeably uncomfortable but it didn’t phase lil’ half naked at all. Just a complete disregard for all the rules of engagement on so many levels. Rule #1 in the locker room should be: Put your cock away in a timely manor
What are we? cavemen?

5 thoughts on “Defending My Tweets Vol. 2

  1. Couldn’t agree more about the old dudes and their nudism. There’s this one bloke at my gym who I have never witnessed actually in the gym/pool/sport shall. I have only ever seen him naked in the locker rooms hanging out with his other naked friends.

  2. That was some of the best D of ones’ tweets that I have ever had the pleasure of reading. Even Jeselnik’s show, which is absolute genius-level shit, need to bow down. Never change, man. Total fucking hilarity.

  3. I think the male equivalent of the 1,2 punch (that I’ve seen) must be a picture of a guy with his kids followed by a picture in a strip club

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