What better way to lead into Thanksgiving than with a rousing round of Fuck/Marry/Kill. As always, lemme preface this entire article by saying none of this is serious and , if you’re offended by it, you need to calm down. I’m well aware I do not possess the power to choose who I hypothetically fuck or marry or kill. That’s kinda the joke.
P.S. I love that i have to explain that every week but , the few times I haven’t I get long diatribes from people who relate this column to women getting paid less than men for doing the same job and spousal abuse. Just know, it’s not that serious. It’s NEVER that serious when I’m typing it. I’m an asshole , but I’m not a dickhead.
Anyway this weeks batch consists of starlets, fruits , and directors. Have at it.
F/M/K:Batman’s sloppy seconds: Katie Holmes,Marion Cotillard, Anne Hathaway
Marry: Katie Holmes
You know, because that whole thing with Tom Cruise went down, I feel as If Katie Holmes stock dropped way lower than it ever should have. It was like she was a star NBA player who accidentally shot someone. She may be slightly off in the head, but she can still ball out, know what I mean? Sure, it does make her either look crazy or like the highest of high priced mail order brides but let’s not forget how much we (I) loved her before it all happened. She was adorable and likable. I’m a man who can forgive and forget. Also, I have a strange feeling that that “fresh out the cult” sex might be next level shit.
Fuck: Marion Cotillard
I honestly don’t recall her as anyone in Batman so I had to google. She’s definitely beautiful (and a little nervous looking). This pick is more of a “she just landed here” kinda situation as I definitely had my mind set on marrying Holmes and killing Hathaway. I’m sure mrs. Cotillard would be thrilled to read this and one day tell her grand children about the time some guy on the internet shrugged his shoulders and said “Yes, I would fuck Marion Cotillard”. That’s a huge moment for any starlet. Like a step below getting your star on the walk of fame.
Kill: Anne Hathaway
I’m sure some of you are scratching your head at this one as Hathaway is definitely very pretty. Others , however, are rolling your eyes at how obvious and easy this choice was to make. For all her talents and physical beauty, Hathaway is perhaps the most annoying actor-y actresses of all time. She is the girl you went to high school how was so deep in the drama club game that she probably spoke in shakespeare quotes. Well, this may not be an issue for some of you, I cannot handle most actors. They are generally the most self involved and corny people on earth. I doubt they even actually have real feelings and I’m pretty sure that sex is just a breathing exercise for them. On the bright side, I’d kill her in a really dramatic fashion so, at least she’d be into that.
F/M/K: The films of Woody Allen, David Lynch, Tim Burton
Fuck: David Lynch
I’mma be honest, I think David lynch is really hit or miss. He’s made some amazing films but he also makes movies that I either don’t get or that bore me with their weirdness. But, for a fuck, he works perfectly. Cause, with his movies, you never know what you’re gonna get but you do know it’s gonna be , at the very least, strange. Sure, this could mean some terrible slightly violent ass play kinda stuff or it could mean some really interesting and rewarding threesome where everyone wears Scream masks. Regardless, I’m willing to take the risk cause I definitely don’t wanna marry his movies or kill them.
Marry: Woody Allen
I’m not even a big Woody Allen guy. I mean, I like his movies but I’m not one of those people who’s life has been deeply effected by them either. The reason I’d put a ring on them though is cause he’s consistent. Even when he’s mailed it in, it’s usually watchable. Sure, in his old age, that’s become more and more common but, hey, that sounds exactly like married life. As you get older and more stationary, reliability becomes a factor. With Woody’s movies, I’d know what I’m getting on some level and I’m okay with that for the long haul.
Kill: Tim Burton
While burton has made some movies that I love more than anything either of the prior two filmmakers have ever done (Pee Wee’s bid adventure, Ed Wood, Beetlejuice) let’s be honest here, dude makes terrible fucking movies now. When “Mars Attacks” is the last movie you made that didn’t completely suck (and it wasn’t good), it might be time to be put to bed. I dunno what happened to him…perhaps he overdosed on whimsy?Perhaps the end of the goth era had a profound effect on his creative vision? Whatever it is, I’m convinced he’s incapable of making a good movie at this point. I’d be doing him and myself a favor by putting him out of his misery. Who knows, he’d probably be into that shit.
F/M/k, Rock star daughters: Elizabeth Jagger, Alexandra Richards, Lily Collins
Marry: Lily Collins
Is she even old enough to be legally married? Whatever, she’s hot and looks nothing like her dad. To me, that’s a huge victory in this heat.
Perhaps it’s cause her dad was never a balls to wall, drug fueled animal type rock star but she , judging from the 15 seconds of google image searching I did, seems far more well adjusted than the other two girls. Sure, she’s an actress and I already spoke on my disdain for that kind of person but, hey, you know what’s worse than an actress? A socialite and a model. At least actresses actually do something.
Fuck: Alexandra Richards
I’m sure I’ve spoken on “Whore eyes” before. It’s not a bad thing. In fact, it’s great. This girl got them in spades. “Whore eyes” are a certain twinkle some ladies have that make every man they encounter think they have a shot at them. While this is never the case, just being around them is a huge ego boost, even if it’s all in our heads. That said, when i see whore eyes, I want to have sex with them. So, the math on this one is pretty simple.
Kill: Elizabeth Jagger
I dunno…she’s pretty and stuff but she looks like she’s been through the ringer already. I can’t even put my finger on it…well, maybe it’s cause she looks like her mom , Jerry Hall, and i always was kinda grossed out by her. This “Kill” may simply be the result of her own genetics that, while they are great, are just not up my alley. Also, I never gave a shit about the rolling stones. So deal with that.
F/M/K: an apple, a banana, a grapefruit
I mean, it would probably fuck me, AMIRITE?!?!!?
Nah, but bananas are good for you and good on an occasion. They’re one of the few fruits that are actually filling so there’s that too. I fucks with banana milkshakes too. Though, I think all banana related candy is disgusting. For me, this more a matter of it being something I’d want when I want it, but I don’t think i could ever eat two banana’s in one sitting.
I kinda like grapefruits but they also are a touch bitter for my taste. Worse than that, they’re dangerous. The amount of times I’ve had one squirt in my eye is like…i dunno…4? That’s enough for me to return the favor and stomp one of these heartless motherfuckers to death.
To me, they are only good for breakfast and , generally, if there are alternate choices, I will always pick whatever other fruit they got. Even some bullshit like a pear.
The timing of this one could not be more perfect. I’ve been on an apple rampage lately. I’m obsessed with apples. I eat like 3 a day. All different types (Though Granny smith will always be my main bitch). I would gladly marry apples. Hell, I’d name our kill apple just to make it clear how much I love apples.