Defending My Tweets Vol. 3


criminal_defense
With news of “The Jesilnik Offensive” being cancelled, it would appear that I am now sole proprietor of the “Defending my tweets” franchise. Such a lucrative franchise!
Nah, just kidding. As Always, I 100% admit to taking this idea from that show and running with it. I like to think my way is different from his but that’s really not the point.
In case you’re confused, this is where I post tweets I made and explain myself. Often, I will tweet things that result in the sound of crickets or people getting mad about something that was clearly a joke. This is my defense. Court is in session, i guess?

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There are a few scents that exist in the world that are as recognizable and powerful as a whiff from a Mcdonald’s bag. I’d say human shit, weed smoke, sulfur and burning tires round out the top five.
I dunno if this is a New York thing (I’d imagine it’s common anywhere subways exist) but people LOVE eating on the trains. Any person who’s rode the subway in NYC has a story of that guy who ate that disgusting thing (Fried Fish and rice…really?) in the middle of a packed train car without a fuck remotely given. However, Mcdonalds owns this. Partially cause of how common it is but more so cause of how pungent it is. If I go into a full train car with a closed bag of MCdonalds (it truly doesn’t matter what’s in the bag. It could be a hamburger, mcnuggets or a fucking salad. The smell remains) and flash open the bag for 3 seconds, within a minute everyone in that train car will
a)be aware someone is eating MCdonalds
b)Smell like they just got finger blasted by the Hamburglar

Thing is, While i can’t be putting that shit in my body, I won’t front…smelling that scent strangely makes me want to go cop a 20 piece of nuggets and quietly wipe my fat tears up with them as i go through 3 containers of BBQ sauce. In a strange why, that smell is equal parts the worlds best promotion and a clear reason to never eat the food again. Either way, the sadness cloud looms.

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Hollywood likes to get raging boners for certain comedic actors. 5/10 times it’s a success. For every Danny Mcbride or Kristen Whig, there are guys like Yahoo Serious and that guy who was in that Ping pong movie that no one saw.
Recently, they’ve been pushing Rebel Wilson on us pretty hard. They put her in 5 movies and gave her a TV show on ABC (I think…it’s one of the networks). Here’s the thing…she’s not funny. Well, lemme correct that…she does one thing really well. That thing is playing a dead eyed slob who says grossly sexual stuff which is shocking to people cause she’s an obese woman. OH MY GOD! That is a character she excels in. Thing is, the range on that kinda character is only good for say, i dunno…3 scenes in a movie? Considering this character peaked in her first big break in “bridesmaids” I’d say she’s not exactly franchise material.
However, I’m assuming she tested through the roof somewhere cause you can’t keep her off the screen now.
I feel a little bad shitting on her cause this isn’t really her fault. This is her doing her thing. No shame in that. More to blame are the hollywood tastemakers who decide to crown her queen so quickly. I can’t help but think it has everything to do with her being obese and sexually charged. It’s as if hollywood can pat itself on the back for letting one of these slip through a year so as to not seem totally vapid and make up for all the Jessica Alba’s in the world.
Sadly, this will end how it always does. Unless Wilson reveals some hidden character range no one knows about, her dimly lit candle will burn out like so many before her. I just hope she’s saving all her money.
Cause *insert fat food related joke* doesn’t come cheap, AMIRITE?!?!?

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A common thing that happens on Twitter is you’ll stumble across someone who has like 50,000 followers (that’s a lot) and seemingly does nothing in life. Sure, they’re involved in an email account with the word “media” in the title but, outside of that, if you were to google them, only their twitter account would come up. It’s as if they only exist on twitter (and their moms house). When I see these types I assume they did that thing where you pay someone 50 bucks and 20,000 bots to “follow” your profile. While that is beyond pathetic it’s also understandable as you’d be amazed how seriously some people take twitter followers counts. I’m talking about that shit effecting whether you get a freelance gig or not. You can literally put it on your resume. Side note: If you’re hiring anyone based of social network followers or “likes” , I’m pretty sure your business will not be around a year from now.
Anyway, another aspect of this is people who are “twitter famous”. With this, you generally have two types. Funny motherfuckers who make the world a better place (guys like Kid Mero and Desus) and girls who show their tits. The Former are selfless humorists for the people who basically gain their followings by doing them. People follow them cause they deserve to be followed and, sometimes, this notoriety will lead to actual career changes. Basically, it’s the american dream at work for the year 2013. The latter though…Not sure what’s going on with that. I get that guys will follow a hot girl who posts nude selfies. That makes sense. It’s weird, considering how easily accessible porn is, but I understand. However , often, these “models” won’t even be posting pics. Just daily reminders of why twitter “models” are some of the dumbest human beings living. They either spend their day tweeting arbitrary complaints about whoever it is they’re fucking at the moment and their invisible “haters” or , even worse, get their Oracle on and try and drop philosophical jewels. There are few things I need to hear less than words of wisdom from a 21 year old girl who’s gotten by in life 100% because she’s a hot piece of ass. Who could have less perspective on things that that person? I dunno…a celebrities son? A boy in bubble? Tough call.
All this come down to is a bunch of people basing their importance on the concept that a bunch of strangers read every waking thought they have…that’s fine and all, as that’s the point of twitter on some level. But if you’re more concerned with the statistics of social networks than the actual usefulness of it, you’re in trouble. And if you go a 3 digit bank account but a 5 digit twitter following, you might wanna try and rethink everything you’ve ever strived for.

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When I initially tweeted this, a friend of mine wrote me “What was that about?”. This is a very specific thing and , actually, having this forum to explain it is crucial.
As you get older, playing casual sports goes one of two ways. You either give up on it or it becomes a weekly escape from your life. For me, I play basketball a few times a week in organized runs. I’m not bullshitting you when I say that I look forward to those games more than anything else I do all week. Aside form loving to play, the much needed exercise is a bonus. It’s also an alternate world from my day to day. I see people I only know via basketball, we shoot the shit…it’s very much it’s own thing. We’re all a bunch of dudes in our 30’s just taking time out of your weeks to unwind. I don’t wanna say it’s a boys club, but let’s be honest…it is. It’s invite only. The list is tight. No outsiders.
Well, every now and then there will be an intruder. For some unknown reason there is a breed of man who will willingly bring his girlfriend to watch the run. This is horrible for all parties involved as, for the girl, watching mediocre guys play basketball may be only slightly more boring than sitting in a dentists office reading back issues of Highlights magazine. For the guys, it’s just uncomfortable. The boyfriend/husband typically will try to have the game of his life while the rest of us are curbing the typical foul guy talk that goes on out of respect for the girl.
Thing is, regardless of why she’s there, both people involved are to blame. By doing this, she’s saying “Hey guy, fuck your time…I need to be with you every waking minute of every day and there’s nothing you can do about it!”
Even worse is that he lets it happen. Surely an explanation of “yeah honey, guys don’t really bring their girlfriends to this…ever” would work. But no…any guy who allows this to happen is a spineless bitch. And any girl that strong arms her man into bringing her is a piece of shit. You don’t see guys tagging along to spa trips with her girlfriend and her friends. It doesn’t make sense. As humans, we need to have our own things we do. Being a couple doesn’t mean you have to be connected at the hip. The second the ability to be independent is lost, you’re in a whole lot of trouble.
In this case, you’re either dealing with a pussy whipped loser, a man who’s spirits have been trampled, an extremely needy girlfriend or a manipulative shrew. Or a mish mash of those things.
And to the people reading this thinking “Well, maybe he really wants her there!” Fair point but also get the fuck outta here with that bullshit.
While , I’m sure that has happened at some point in time in the history of the universe (Surely some show off type who needs to validate his manliness to his girl), it’s such a small % it’s not even worth seriously addressing.

4 thoughts on “Defending My Tweets Vol. 3

  1. Burning human flesh is in the top five, too. Even if you haven’t smelled it before, you will instinctually know it when you do. Or at least that was my experience.

  2. Blockhead, have you heard of the grown man who has adorned his entire body in “MILEY” tattoos? It truly boggles the mind and I need your insight into this one!!!

    From 2012 (to provide context):
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2166552/Yorkshireman-39-15-Miley-Cyrus-tattoos-inked-body-pay-tribute-teenage-singer-helping-divorce.html

    From a few days ago:
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2524459/Miley-Cyrus-fan-covers-body-22-TATTOOS-singer.html

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