Defending my tweets vol. 4

Twitter keeps me on my toes. Not in the sense that I’m always saying sharp witted things but more that I’m always awaiting the next flood of offended people taking my words the wrong way. It’s part of the game I suppose. Because of this, I started doing this column a little while back. It’s blatant rip off of a skit of “The Jesilnik offensive” and I’m okay with that. That show got cancelled and I do this for free with no plans of stopping. I win. So, here are some tweets I did that garnered mixed reactions and my explanations/defense of them. In the end, just know that everything I tweet should be read while smirking and giving an occasional wink. That’s my vibe. I swear.

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So, this day, I was watching “Catfish”. If you don’t know about “Catfish”, shame on you…but also read the first part of this:
On this particular episode, a guy got “catfished” by an obese girl pretending to be a hot girl. Shocking, I know. This girl was a good 300 pounds. When asked why she felt the need to lie, instead of saying she was self conscious about her wieght and looks, she opted to blame the media. Yup, she said something like “Well, with the unfair standards the media sets for women, I didn’t feel comfortable blah blah blah”. Now, I’m not about fat shaming. I know how fucked up life can be if you’re fat. However, there’s a difference between being fat and being obese. As annoying as I find Lena Dunham at times, her stance on body image is not without some validity. Sure, she could exercise and actually not look like a bean bag chair with legs but that’s not her point. Her body is hers , there’s nothing inherently wrong with it and people just have to accept that. But the thing is, she’s in a situation where she’s not too overweight it’s a danger to her life. Her heart will keep pumping for the foreseeable future. Basically, she’s doing her and has every right to. The media may give her shit about showing off her “not particularly attractive” body but that’s her right to do so if she pleases (and, boy, does she please). But this 300 pound mouth breather on catfish? Nah. Sorry, girl, you’re about 100 pounds past blaming the media. Yes, the media does set unfair body standards for young women to follow. Without question. But i don’t think you get to complain when you’ve thrown in the towel on a level so dire you could drop dead trying to open a jar of pickles. You lose all right to point fingers when things get that far our of hand.
Her blaming the media for being fat is like a one inch dick guy blaming porn for him having a small dick or a drug addict blaming his dealer for selling him drugs. She woulda been that way no matter what. Now, if she had a glandular issue or something of that nature, that’s a valid excuse (she apparently did not, cause I was waiting for her to mention it). But simply sitting around all day like a sleepy manatee and eating everything in sight is not okay. Don’t bring the media into your unhealthy life habits. If you’re overweight and feel the pressure of society on you, that’s one thing. You can accept it and live you life or try and fix that. either way, your own personal health should be your responsibility. Not the medias. But if you’ve given up on a level so deep that you’ve accepted you will never set eyes on your own genitals again, that’s on you. Put the fast food down and get off your ass. Or don’t! Just don’t point the finger at some invisible thing that has nothing to do with you and your shitty life choices.

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You walk around any metropolis and you’ll often see the glory that is physically mismatched couples. Sure, sometimes you’ll happen across a strapping young man who, for some reason or another, found a life partner in a human aardvark of a lady BUT more often than not, it’s the other way around. A beautiful girl with a true catfish (the fish not the show). This is especially common in hipster neighborhoods. Where pixie faced girls are being duped world wide by chinless, chubby losers who happen to be able to grow a beard and wear glasses. It’s like some sort of alternative Groucho Marx costume that gets you laid.
This fashion swing leading to normally less than attractive dudes getting ass is nothing new. Back in the baggy jeans era, tubby wiggers everywhere were getting over simply by wearing huge jeans and growing a razor thing chin strap beard that created the illusion of them having a jaw line. Now, beards are what are hot in the streets and those guys are raking it in. To be clear, I’m not even mad. I don’t have a beard but I certainly rock some stubble. When cleanly shaven, I look like a baby white whale. I get why it’s a thing. The fact of the matter is, if you have decent eyes but the rest of your face is suspect, you can cover it all up with hair and your problem is solved. It still kinda baffles me how so many girls loved this (as I’d imagine kissing a dude with a beard must not feel great) but, then again, girls have always been willing to overlook physical downsides of men for their greater good. Us dudes are generally very much about the surface, when we meet girls. But, if you work at a coffee shop with a cute girl long enough, grow that beard out long enough and get the right frames for your glasses, anything is possible. It’s actually quite uplifting.

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Doing these “demo reviews” have been a miserable yet enlightening experience. It’s like a peak behind a curtain and have no interest in peaking behind. I think I wrote this tweet after a particularly rough week of reviews and it was met with a whole lot of “Actually…”‘s , which on twitter is pretty much the golden standard for someone being a dipshit. It’s the bored know it all contrarians go to phrase.
Well, this is defend your tweet so lemme do that…
I think all beat makers who sample have to start somewhere. We don’t all have great sample sources at our fingertips. I know, for the first few years of my beat making life, I was at the will of my parents record, tape and cd collection. Which meant i sampled nothing but jazz. opera and classical music. I did this not cause i wanted to but cause I had to. I definitely went through a stage of sampling classical songs. It was then when I learned that
a)when you sample classical music, all your songs sound kinda the same. Dramatic strings. The thing about sampling genres of music based mostly on one or two instruments, is that it’s limiting. If I buy a Klezmer album to sample, best believe I’m gonna get a dope sample out of it…but it’s only gonna be one sample cause all the other samples will sound kinda the same.
b)Some classical songs are extremely well known and, while they are public domain, you can’t sample a standard. Not in the legal sense, but in they “hey listen to this awesome Bach loop, son” kinda way. A lot of sampling is about the context in which you use the materials. There simply is no right context for sampling a well known classical standard.
To any producer who strives to get better, these two things become clear quickly and you abandon classical music forever AKA you grow out of it. To a less savvy beat maker though, you just keep plugging away and making shitty sounding , heavy string based, beats that only rappers who “spit fire” 1998 style would ever wanna touch.
Also, no one should eat Mcdonalds every day by choice. That’s not the way to live.

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This one is all about wording and how people love to misinterpret personal taste with intolerance. The thing about tweeting brain farts into the ether is that you forget that people will literally see a small part of the phrase and , based entirely off that, blow a gasket. Case in point, I mention “women with underarm hair”. Now, the entire point of this tweet is me saying “eh, it’s not for me” while also saying “hey, do what you want with your body”. Pretty simple. I’m not chastising girls who prefer to let the underarm hair fly in the wind. I’m simply stating that it’s not up my alley, in terms of what gives me boners. There’s no anti-feminist agenda with this one. But, of course, one cannot write something like this without people flying off the handle about it. I kinda knew it would happen and it did. Kinda. It honestly wasn’t that bad but the people who did take offense, took a lot of offense. So, just to be clear…Just cause I don’t find your underarm hair attractive doesn’t mean you’re gross to the world. I am but one man. It would be like me getting mad at a girl who says she doesn’t like guys who wear sneakers and hats. It might sting a little but I’d accept the loss and realize that not everyone likes everything and I’d definitely not take it as a personal attack on me. We all make life choices with how we present ourselves. If you are a lady and don’t feel like tending to your underarm hair, good for you. I support you in your life choice. It’s just not for me personally. Hey, I don’t snowboard either…but me not snowboarding isn’t a grand statement against dudes who wear beanies and goggles who give strange pounds when you meet them. Know what I mean?
But , really, underarm hair is pretty gross guys. I don’t know how you girl deal with our disgusting hairy man bodies. God bless your souls.

6 thoughts on “Defending my tweets vol. 4

  1. Love your writing! This is for answers to questions:

    Who do you think is a better actor, RZA or Method Man?

    (ps: Is this a shitty question..?)

  2. Good read, and Jeselnik is ahead of his time, unfortunately. I totally agree with you on the hairy pits. Now let me ask you this, to whom would you gravitate towards more (or less?), a pretty baby with hairy pits but a well-groomed/clean-shaven “lady area”, OR the pretty baby with the exact opposite?

    • Honestly, I’d probably take the one with clean pits. As much as a very hairy vagina is not my thing, I can’t deal with the arm pits. In the case of the hairy vagina, she’d just lose out on all cunnilingus activities.

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