The Doctor is back, fake diploma on the wall and everything. This is a column where I take questions from readers about things like love and life and do my best to walk them through it. To be clear, I’m not a registered doctor. I didn’t even graduate college. So, this is just like advice from a buddy minus all the sugar coating cause, well, I don’t know you. What do I care? That said, I’m a generally level headed guy and will tell you what needs to told with no agenda or cushion for your feelings.
If you have questions of the heart that you’d like me to take a stab at, send them my way: firstname.lastname@example.org or leave them in the comments below. It’s all anonymous so this is a safe place. So, without further ado, let’s get into it.
A friend with benefits has recently become more than just a friend with benefits. We both have feelings for each other and she definitely wants me to commit and make her my girlfriend. I first started hooking up with her senior year of high school. We ended up going to the same college and hooking up throughout the first half of freshmen year. She got a boyfriend and dated him until we graduated college (26 years old now). We stayed friends the entire time and we share many of the same close friends now back at home.
She’s an attractive, laid back girl with a good personality and sense of humor. Once she became single after college we started boning on and off again. Within the past 4 months we’ve become a lot more serious. You could basically say we’re dating but I refuse to admit that we’re a couple.
Here’s why: she fucked one of my best friends about 8 months ago. This is a dude that we hang out with all the time. People keep telling me to not let her go, that she’s a keeper, blah blah blah. BUT SHE FUCKED THE HOMIE. I can’t seem to get over it. If it wasn’t for this I would probably be all about getting serious with her. Am I overreacting? Are my feelings warranted? WHY DID SHE HAVE TO FUCK THE HOMIE?
Forgot to mention that the hookup between said girl and my good friend was a drunken one night stand and that I was banging another girl at the time…
Getting bent out of shape about a girls past lovers is some bitch shit. Get over it, bro. So she fucked your friend. She doesn’t like him. Shit happens. You gotta be man enough to not be threatened by that. Unless you’re somehow intimidated by the prowess this guy might have had with your “girl” but, even then, she likes you. That’s all that matters.
This question is one that I’ve noticed come up a few times here and in real life amongst people I actually know. I’ve always felt it was a non-issue. It’s only a problem if she actually seriously dated your friend or has an open and long standing sexual relationship with him currently. Then I’d understand why one might balk. But a drunken one off? Who cares. Would you think less of her if you had fucked one of her friends? you wouldn’t even blink at that. Think of it this way, you weren’t fucking her at the time , she didn’t know the future between you, AND she just got out of a long term relationship. Guess what? She got laid that night. Good for her. Don’t be a vaginal warden.
But really, this all comes down to you and how secure you are. I certainly have friends who could not handle that kinda of thing on any level and have ditched good girls cause of it. So, if that’s deal breaker for you, it is what it is. But, personally? I think it’s not worth a second thought. You like her and she’s indeed a “keeper”, don’t let your insecurities and sexual puritanism get in the way of that.
Dr. Tony, will try to make this as short as possible
3 months ago i met this guy through a good friend, we all went out for drinks and i remember being immediately attracted to him, a little through the night he began to flirt with me and eventually we made out in the club and couldn’t get our hands off each other,we really bonded through deep drunken conversations and confessions, it felt like weve been friends for a long time and i dont think ive ever felt that comfortable with someone that i just met. (because i had just gotten out of a dreadful relationship i really wasn’t looking for anything beyond a little fun and sex.) therefore i decided to go with the flow and sleep with him that night. i ended up spending the whole night and next day with him, it was great. he also told me that hes never felt that comfortable with someone new, no awkwardness or anything. so that next day ended when i had to travel back to my country. we exchanged numbers and i went to the airport thinking last night was great but it will clearly not go anywhere as we live in different countries.
I text him a day later telling him that i had a great time etc. and since then we started texting and calling eachother daily, we got to know more about eachother yet, how much can you know when the person is not in your face?!
About 3 weeks after daily texting, calling and phone sex, i was traveling again for a month to a country thats near his country, so he came to see me the first weekend, and we spent 3 days together. it turned out to be even better than the first time we met. I still didn’t have my hopes up for anything to escalate and i wasn’t thinking of it too much i was just busy being carried away with the moment. Also most importantly, that weekend he referred to me as his girlfriend. Another 2 weeks pass and he comes to see me again for one night, every time we see eachother it just seems to be getting better n better. that last night he told me that hes developing really strong feelings for me and i def was on the same page as he is. everything was going just fine, up until a week after the last time i saw him he suddenly started acting a little distant, less phone calls, no texts, which is always a bad sign, plus i know that long distance never works out so i also had that in mind. he told me that he was very stressed from work and i understood that, i never gave him a hard time about it as i really believe in giving ppl their space. for a good week he would suddenly act distant then suddenly be all caring and nice, and i just went along with it like theres nothing, at that time he told me that he will be going for masters in summer which means he will be in a completely different continent and time zone.
His family member gets a serious health issue, which brings him to be more distant for yet another and final week. i tried to be there for him yet in the same time i didnt want to impose too much.
to cut this very long story short, he calls me end of that week and tells me that he wants to put what we have on hold (which i understood as a break up) as he has alot going on right now and he cant handle having any obligations. I was very understanding and accepting of what he was saying, i also believed it was for the best as i still think long distance ruins everything. at the end of the break up phone call he told me that hes falling for me. ironic.
3 days after the break up he calls me briefly to check up on me and thats the last ive heard from him.
ive been around enough to doubt things around me, so my question is, did this guy play me just to get what he wants or does this whole thing sound genuine? i mean he was getting the sex anyway so why go through all the hassle? or did he just realize shit this is going nowhere and distance is a bitch. i also thought maybe he met someone else or something. i dont know. im just a little weirded out by the whole turn of events. maybe in a different time and place.
Sorry for the long ass essay, plz help! it feels good to rant.
Anytime someone write “I’ll make this as brief as possible” it basically means “This is gonna be loooooong as fuck”. All good, you got across your point and question.
Wellllll…this is tough cause , honestly, it could be any number of things. He could have honestly felt the way he did, threw himself into a long distance relationship more than he should have and then got overwhelmed. Or he could have had another girl…or he’s one of those guys who treats every hook up he has like he’s falling in love again thus, confusing the shit out of every girl he hooks up with.
I can only judge from what I wrote but it does seem like he invested a decent amount of time in you though. Honestly, any dude willing to actually talk on the phone extensively with a girl in 2014 is going the extra mile. Most would keep it to text, email or skype (for some of that chat sex!), ESPECIALLY long distance.
It sounds to me that the distance and personal issues on his side were a real factor. Even if it wasn’t the personal issues, the distance was. Maybe he started being distant in an effort to make the break easier…or maybe he was fucking some other girl. That’s the problem with long distance relationships. You will never truly know. Not to mention, this is a guy you met at a club. For all you know he could be a serial Killing pedophile. In which case, I’d say you dodged that bullet!
So I work with international students who coincidentally come from countries where plastic surgery is rampant in the upper classes (L.A. has nothing on them,I swear). I’m very close with some of the girls who come study here….almost like an older sister. And it breaks my heart when a 17yo beauty talks about getting butt and breast implants when she gets home or when a 22yo talks about changing her entire fucking face! To put my question into general terms – when you have a mentor-type kind of relationship with teens/young adults….is there anything at all you can do or say to prevent them from making stupid decisions…or is it futile to even try?
As someone who has no kids, this advice is definitely based on nothing but here it goes. Kids are gonna be kids. And , as they get older, they only get more grounded in their opinions and ideals. Think of yourself when you were that age? When I was 17, I would have probably ended friendships over someone telling me Kool G Rap was a bad rapper, let alone something that really mattered to me. Basically, people that age have the unfortunate balance of thinking they know everything and knowing absolutely nothing. All libido and no foresight.
If a 17 year old has their mind made up about something like that (especially something that is, in a way, rebelling) they’re gonna do it. Problem is, getting your face and tits remade isn’t like a navel ring or a tattoo on your ankle. That shit is expensive surgery. I suppose, all you can do it try and reason with them using the “Trust me, in five years you will regret this deeply”. That’s what I tell any young person who wants to get a music based tattoo (meaning a band or rapper they like at that moment). But, overall, the best you can do is try and reason with them on their level. Appeal to their ego and insecurities. That’s why they wanna do that shit in the first place.
hey Dr T, could you elaborate more on “many of us tend to know our long term plans for a girl very early on. We know how far we’re willing to let this thing go before it’s past the point of us being into it.” how would u determine these plans ? based on what ?
This is something I mentioned in an earlier edition of “Ask Dr. Tony”. I forget the original question but my point was that, with men, we generally have a decent idea of how far we want to go with a girl emotionally when we first meet them. By that , I mean we can think “Oh, I wanna hit that a few times” or “I’d have long term casual sex with her” or “I could totally wife her up”. Thing is , this is our initial reaction and that is subject to change. I’m sure girls do a variation of the same thing. Only difference is, I find girls are able to open up to dudes down the line in a way I’d say most guys are incapable of. A woman’s attraction levels can go from “He’s disgusting” to “I want to date him” over the course of a night depending on what that guys brings to the table, intelligence, humor and charm wise. Why do you think there are so many hot girls with busted dudes? Guys, however, are far more shallow and that kind of flip in attraction only occurs over long periods of time. Sure, most guys will put their dick in anything but they’re aware of the ceiling , where that girl is concerned.
So, what determines these plans?
I’d say it’s different for all guys. The first thing we see is the physical side. We can look at a girl and be like “Is she hot enough to actually date?”. Yes, this is wildly presumptuous, but it’s what we actually do. Keep in mind, this is going on first impressions. Attraction does tend to shift the more you’re around someone. So, if she’s not “wifey” standard hot, then you find where she lands on the attractiveness scale. She’s cute, sexy, busted, etc…ALso, keep in mind this is done in reverse. Meaning, the scale starts with “would I hit it?” and goes up from there.
The next step is figuring out her personality. Is she cool? Is she annoying? Is she smart? Is she a girl who clearly only will sleep with a boyfriend? Is she a party girl who seems down for whatever? Like I said earlier, it’s really on a guy to guy basis and dependent on what they’re looking for. Some guys like big titties. They see big titties and that girl is placed on a higher plateau. It’s all relative.
I know this sounds absolutely terrible but , for many guys, it’s how we think. It’s in our nature. The same way a girl can meet a dude for five minutes and know she’s gonna have sex with him. It’s all based on a feeling. But, sadly, it’s also based heavily on the physical side of things. A persons depth and value doesn’t actually come into play until you actually know them. Such is life!