Demo Reviews vol. 42

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Whattup everyone, time again for the hell on earth that is Demo reviews. This is where you guys send me your hard work and I tell you ,as honestly as I can , what I think about it. Here’s a hint: I’m probably not that into it. But, that’s part of the fun, right? and don’t forget, my opinion matters as much as anyones. so, in reality, it doesn’t matter at all.
The Submissions of new demo’s are closed for now so please don’t send me music. When i need it, I’ll make the announcement.
The reviews go like so: i write a blurb about the song and then review the sngs in there four categories from 1-10
Production
Vocals
Listenability
originality

i say it every week but , just know, the number rating really don’t mean much. I just do it cause people like to have their hard work quantified. Anyway, this weeks batch has a few bright spots in it so, all is not lost. Check it out and vote for your favorite demo at the bottom.

Artist:Digital Monster Feat. Double O, Simian Simpleton and Noelle Konrad
Song: Brazil


This is pretty dope. The beat is solid. Some nice little cut up nuances in there. Very good use of world music samples. As far as rapping, the first dude is straight up good. The second guy sounds like a white Kweli, which is weird cause Kweli already kinda sounds like a white guy. Suffice to say, i didn’t love the second guy. I’d say my biggest issue with this song is the hook. I get what they were going for but , i dunno, it just didn’t work for me. Still, solid song overall.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
originality:5 out of 10

Artist: Rookes
Song: Rise


This has a weird early Eminem influence to it that you don’t really see much anymore. Not in his skill set (cause Eminem was actually a fantastic rapper), but more in the whiny vocal tone. He manages to capture all the bad parts of eminem. Even the beat sounds like an eminem outtake. So, yeah, this isn’t really doing it for me.
Production:3.5 out of 10
Vocals:4 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
originality:3 out of 10

Artist: The Doctor
Song: The Sound of Drums


That plucky bass line is so familiar to me. It’s either something that’s super famous or something that’s been used before by someone else. Either way, it’s clearly well tread territory.
Now, for a song called “The sound of drums” this doesn’t deliver on the drum promise. The drums are easily the worst part. Lame sounds and , really, with the long build up, I expected much more. Something kinda epic. Musically, this is okay. it’s got some cool parts but , overall, pretty boring.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:N/a
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
originality:4 out of 10

Artist:Hafrican
Song:get it got it good


This guy can rap but the way he’s using his voice is not to my liking. It’s a little Busta rhymes and a little Dizzy Rascal. This is also a funny attempt at a club banger. I’d be curious to hear him rap on a more normal track though cause I feel the skill set it there.
Beat wise, this is just kinda annoying. The drums serve their purpose but the synth sounds and “bear-yum-bow” vocal sample just come up short. That said, it probably bumps when played loudly on good speakers.
Production:4 our of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
originality:3 out of 10

Artist: Mental Effector
Song: Naive


This is some 80’s R&b shit. Throw some vocals on this and it could be something i’d hear on a Club Nouveau album.

It’s not really my wheelhouse but, truth be told, it’s pretty dope for what it is. It’s certainly well executed and has a nice mood to it.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:5 out of 10
originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Audio Treats
Song: Anchor


This sounds a little like some Rat-a-tat type shit but slightly less refined. It’s pretty good though. again, much like the song prior, not really the kinda shit I listen to but it’s well made the transitions in the song work really well.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:5 out of 10
originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Diogenes Ft. Barfly
Song:Pistols at dawn


This is some rugged shit. Simple, hard beat. Nothing ground breaking but it’s perfect for the song. The rapper’s voices is so effected he almost sounds foreign (are they?!) but it works. They both have dope voices and cool flows. More than anything, they have a commanding presence and they’re clearly comfortable rapping. Definitely had a nice throw back feel with the pandering to “old school” heads. I don’t like the slightly off key singing hook but that’s a minor criticism.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:6 out of 10
Listenability:6 out of 10
originality:5 out of 10

Artist: Shipwreck
Song: More Rain


Sometimes a rappers influences are a little pronounced. This dude sounds like he studied Eyedea and Aesop a little too closely. On top of that, he doesn’t have the natural flow that either of those dudes have. To me, this reads as someone who’s yet to find their voice but, hey, that’s kinda how making music works. We all bite a little before we find out focus. The beats interesting but also kinda sloppy. It’s a good attempt.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:4 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
originality:4 out of 10

Artist:Greig
Song:Weak warriors weign supweme


First off, I love the song title. I can’t say i can relate it to the song but it cracked me up.
As for the song, the production is interesting. Definitely original. i dunno if I feel like listening to it for an extended period of time but it’s not boring. The rapping is kinda like the beat. Not bad at all, just kinda challenging in a way that doesn’t make me wanna accept the challenge. Still, this was far from mediocre.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
originality:6 out of 10

Artist:Not so B
Song: Lucid Dream


This is amateur. The drums need a lot of work and the music doesn’t really kick in till the halfway mark. When it does, it doesn’t exactly improve the song. This sounds like how mediocre underground producer beat tapes sounded in the late 90’s. “Spacey” but ultimately uninteresting and lacking serious polish.
Production:3.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:4 out of 10
originality:4 out of 10

So, what do you think?

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 33

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Awww shit…I’m back! It’s been a month or so and it’s time once again for “Ask Dr. Tony”. This is where you guys ask me for advice concerning topics of the heart. Why me? No clue. I’m just a guy who makes beats. That said, I’m a stranger who is even-handed and honest so it sorta makes sense if you think about it. To be clear, I’m not licensed to drive a car, let alone tell you how to make your love life work but, I swear, I’m decent at this. If you have a question that needs to be answered concerning your life, your love or whatever it is, send it my way: Phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave it in the comments below. The Doctor is ALWAYS in. This week starts out with one of the wackier situations I’ve come across. It will also explain the significance of the header picture.
Let’s go!

Me and my girlfriend/fiance’ are going to have our first child next year. She has a had a boy with another dude before me and named him after RHCP front man Anthony Kiedis and had this dream of naming our unborn son Michael after bassist FLEA to complete the RHCP band or at least get close to it. I am not a big RHCP fan and I think the whole idea is a bit stupid and would rather go the route and give the kid a more normal name that we can both agree on and I can look proudly at my son every day and be happy that he wasnt named after another rock icon.

All that aside, the name Michael also is the name of one of her ex boyfriends that I never particularly cared for or had any real friendship with because i always thought this dude was a joke and when I did hear about her involvement with him I actually got a bit dumbfounded on her choice on men. Im not saying Im the cream of the crop by any means but I really just thought that she is way better than this guy and judging by what I know of him hes really just another guy trying get some panties dropped. I know all this because we all have worked together at the same company for a few years and he just always seemed to be a bit of a douch bag and I know I wasnt the only one who thought this.

I had mentioned this to her and she thinks its a cop out of an answer to get me to change her mind about the naming process because she was dead set on this. Am I out of line to go a more traditional route and give the kid a proper name? Am I being unreasonable by not wanting to name my kid after her ex, whom I still to this day would rather never speak his name in my household for as long as we both live. This isnt our first child for each of us and maybe not the last but I would really hate to make the ultimate mistake and give my kid a wack name that I would regret for the rest of my life.

Two things pop out here
1)I mean this in the least offensive way possible but your girl sounds like a pretty huge cornball. I mean, listen, the Red Hot Chili Peppers are a famous fucking band but…come on…Jesus christ. This is like when people get a tattoo of a band on their arm except, instead of ink on skin it’s a full human being. Perhaps , I’d suggest you play her this song and it might give her a little perspective on the RHCP
http://rhcp2014.com/
2) Let’s not pretend that Michael isn’t an EXTREMELY normal name. It’s not like she wants to name him “Flea” or “The guy Michael I used to fuck”. So, your argument for a “normal name” doesn’t really make sense. That said, you are the father and should have as much say in naming your kid as your wife. Well, maybe not as much say…all you did was dump a load in her nine months ago. She did all the heavy lifting. Still, you should certainly have a voice.

There are so many elements of this that make me think you have a shitty fiance that it’s kinda hard to wrap my head around. Sure, Michael is one of the most common names ever but if you’re really set on not naming you own child that, how can she really deny you? You have legit reasons. If she was a reasonable person she would see that , perhaps, meeting you half way on this one would be the logical step. Who gets dead set on naming their kid after a red hot chile pepper to the point where it’s a matter of distress with their other half? It’s played out to say but compromise is one of the most crucial parts of a healthy relationship. If she can’t accept that then she needs to grow up…and stop listening to shitty music as well.

Hey there Dr. Tony. I’ve got a pretty weird situation here and I’m wondering what should be done.

For about 3 years, I had a mad crush on this guy we’re going to call Alex. We’re both artists, and from day one when he showed his self-portraits to the class, I was impressed with him. Impressed turned into smitten, and smitten turned into “determined to date”. We had a lot of common interests and I appreciated his feedback with art and his taste in film/music. Unfortunately, Alex was also an asshole and never did a nice thing for me in my life (except maybe his ability to pinpoint every vulnerability I had helped me to grow a thicker skin and value myself over the opinions of others– but that isn’t exactly “nice”).

But I recently found somebody who has all of Alex’s great qualities. The sharp mind, the artistic talent, a great eye for aesthetics, appealing taste in good film… the list goes on! We could talk for hours if he wasn’t so busy with work. Let’s call him Stan. Stan and I had lunch a while back that was amazing and he said he really wanted to see me again soon.

Now, the problem here is that Stan is Alex’s older brother.

We really hit it off. He’s exactly what I crave in a partner: creatively and intellectually stimulating. I got the feeling he was interested in spending more time with me whenever it’s next possible, we cure each others boredom. There’s amazing potential here, but I’m worried about his asshole brother Alex. I wouldn’t be surprised if he made a big fuss over me going for his brother.
The next issue is that Stan is being promoted to work on the west coast. Should I even bother investing myself in this if he’s just going to move across the country (we’re in the midwest) within the next year? Or is this something we’ll have to set aside for a few years down the line? I just worry about missing the opportunity.

First off, as much as you respect Alex’s mind and art, who gives a fuck what he thinks about when it comes to who you date? unless you two have a sexual/dating history together, he holds no ties with you. Hell, even if you drunkly fucked a few times, he has no ownership over you whatsoever. From the sound of it, he wasn’t interested in the first place and he’s kind of a self absorbed prick (typical artist , btw). So, if you wanna date his nicer, equally stimulating brother, hop on that.
Secondly, I’m always gonna be anti-long distance relationship. I think it’s simply too hard for most couples to get through. ESPECIALLY new couples. So, realistically, it’s probably not a great idea to get involved. That said, you could just say fuck it and see what happens. For all you know, it could just be a fun fling. You don’t need to start worrying about the relationship just yet. That’s one of those “cross the bridge when we get there” problems. So, I’d say go with what you feel but don’t lose sight that there’s a strong possibility it won’t work out for logistical reasons.

Hey Dr. T,

I’ve been dating this girl for a little over a year now and everything has gone great in terms of the relationship; I still love her to death, she is way in to me, the sex is good, meeting parents, etc. So everything is great in my relationship and there are times where I catch myself slipping and thinking about a future with her. That being said, I am twenty fucking one years old, and while I don’t necessarily want to go out and throw my dick at everything that moves, I feel at the same time like there are maybe ten (?) more years in my life where I can adventure with relationships and sex and be care free about any sort of long term commitment. So I guess what I’m asking is, is it worth it to break up a great relationship just because I think it is limiting my social potential?

Man, this is a tough one. Thing is, everyone is wired differently. Personally, I would never have been able to settle down at 21. Too many experiences out there to throw it all away over young love. I’m a strong proponent of people not dating seriously till after, like, 25. But that’s me…there are other dudes out there who don’t have those leanings. Guys who genuinely just fall in love with the girl of their dreams at the age of 20 and never look back. I take my hat off to those dudes…I also think they’re insane but, hey, that’s why we’re different.
But let’s be real, 21 is young. You may be an adult when you’re 21 but you’re really not there yet. In many ways, your head is still soft on the top.

So, the question for you is really what type of dude are you? You love this girl. Things are great. That’s swell. But, 9 years down the line, do you think you’ll feel the same way? I’m not baiting here…I’m asking that honestly. If you have an inkling that you are the type of guy who will look back on your youth regretting not getting to live life as a single guy in his 20’s, then I’d advise not settling down. But if you’re a guy who feels more comfortable in a relationship, then go for it. And don’t forget, this works both ways. You may be fiending for new ass a few years from now but, guess what? So will she. It’s human nature. The only thing stopping us from fucking everyone else are the basic rules of decency and centuries of blindly followed tradition.
So, I’d say , if you’re happy, roll with it. What’s the worst that can happen? You’re so young that it’s not even a factor yet. Wait till you’re 5 years deep in your relationship before you start worrying about any of this.

I’ve never had sex and have just gotten together with a girl for the first time. What method of birth control do you prefer? I keep hearing condoms suck, and the side effects for the pills look kind of shitty. Are there any things I should know about sex technique before having it or does it just come naturally?

Oh man…I’m the wrong guy to ask about this. When I was single, the prime ways of birth control were condoms, hoping the girl was on the pill or pulling out and crossing my fingers. Well, I had no kids or diseases so Hooray!
But, lucky for you, you’re probably less of a piece of shit than I was so I’d say roll with condoms for now. For two reasons:
1)They’re easy to use and you can control your own usage of them. No relying on the word of another person.
2)because you’re a virgin, you need all the help you can get. You’re gonna bust your nut so quickly the first few times, it’s gonna seem like sex is impossible. With a condom on, it lessens the sensitivity and that may help prolong your experience. It’s like training wheels for your dick, in that sense. You’re not ready for that raw dawg life…that is for certain. To be clear, yes, condoms do suck. But , considering where you’re at now, you won’t know the difference. You tell a kid who just got his first hand job that hand jobs suck, he’ll look at you like a crazy cause he’s never gotten head before. We learn and get more refined as we go.
As far as technique, penis goes in, penis goes out. There’s no one thing I can tell you that will make you a great lover. All I can say is pay attention to the person you’re having sex with. Read their cues. If you want to make it a pleasurable experience for both of you, that’s important. It’s similar to having a good conversation with someone. Pacing and timing are crucial but paying attention is the key. Also, learn about vaginas. Clits, bro, clits.

Song of the day: 2/25/14

Bold By Aesop Rock, Rob Sonic, Busdriver and James Lynch
http://www.mediafire.com/listen/fjtka0gz3d9d0vi/BOLD_(final).mp3

I haven’t done a “Song of the day” in ages cause, well, I’ve pretty much given you guys all the music I own at this point. So, every now and then, a song pops up that I forgot about or slept on that needs to be shared.
This song, in particular, is one that Aesop, Rob Sonic and Busdriver made while on the tour. I could be wrong but I think it may have been recorded on garage band. Aesop gave it a way a while back on his website 900bats.

This one is kinda special to me cause it touches on something that any old rap fan can relate to. Getting old in hip hop. Not just that, but looking back at it asa formerly “cutting edge” type artist who is now earing his 40’s. As one of these people, I can say there is an undeniable balancing act we must do to keep to our roots while staying open minded enough to stay relevant. Some pull it off better than others.
When dealing with extremes, tt usually goes one of two ways.
1)The old rap fan who just hates everything new. Complain about how it’s not like it used to be and that everything is “soft”.
2)The old rap fan who breaks their back to stay up on the new rap trends. So much to the point that they end up championing some shit they probably would have loathed 4 years earlier.
I fashion myself somewhere in the middle. I like a lot of new rap and have for some time but I still scratch my head at some of the shit people lose their minds over nowadays. At the same time, I also have very little interest in revival rap that just re-creates the stuff I listened to when I was coming up. It’s a lot like when musicians go into studios and attempt to make funk music that sounds like it was made in the 70’s. When they pull it off, it’s great but , most of the time, it’s just a copy cat act.

The problem with getting old while hip hop stays young is that you do start to see a distance form between you and the current music. I try and be rational about it. I swear. As beats have gone from samples and breaks to blips and bleeps with some weak 808 kit beneath it, against all I believe in sonically, I’d attempted to keep an open mind. Sometimes, this has been to great benefit with acts like Sparkmaster Tape. After all, it’s music. Sometimes it takes, sometimes it doesn’t. But, to age like this, there is an inherent fear that the ship is leaving you behind at all times. Thing is, while i don’t wanna be that “old dude shaking my fist at the new bold youth”, I also don’t wanna be that guy that pretends to like something I know is not for me. Music is about a feeling you get. That’s not something you can force when it comes to what you like and dislike. As much as i wanna be able to be playing ball at the YMCA and relate to the 17 year olds telling me J-Cole is a genius, it’s just never gonna happen. But, you know what? Those kids call me “sir” and “mister” anyway so who the fuck am I trying to relate to in the first place? I’m literally as old as some of their dads. That said, i bet their dads and I could talk about hip hop for days but I digress…
I think the right way to be an old dude in hip hop is to both embrace your past but don’t be so willing to shut down everything cause it’s new and different. The same shit I think about someone like Young Thug (I don’t get it…at all) is probably what the generation before me thought of Company Flow and the generation before that thought of De la soul. Part of getting old is that you’re literally getting old. There’s no way to stay on point with the youth culture when you’re so far removed from it. unless, of course, you wanna be THAT kinda old dude…

Answers for Questions Vol. 175

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Whattup. Welcome to the 175th time I have answered questions you have sent me. 175! What the fuck?
A lot of time has passed and one thing hasn’t changed. I need you to send me questions. In fact, I was looking at my question pile and it’s getting kinda thin so, PLEASE, send me some more questions. Either leave them in the comment section below or email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com. You can ask as many questions at a time as you like. All I ask is that you be somewhat creative. If you’re new to this column and the question you wanna ask seems like something that may have been covered already (shit like “Who are your influences” or “What inspires you?”) I can tell you, yes, I’ve covered those surface type questions. But, otherwise, get weird…This column can’t go on without you.
Okay? I look forward to hearing from you. So, now, let’s get into this weeks batch.

Before the knicks vs lakers game the other night there was this behind the scenes thing they do with diff members of the lakers organization. They did a follow along with Bill Bertka who is 86 yoa plain and simple I was baffled! This fuckin guy!! He is still actively playing basketball in the senior olympics it was funny sad and inspiring all at once I def felt mad props for him but how could you do anything but laugh at these guys? not one of them could run at best they were trotting and were even fouling each other it was the funniest thing.

Ten years later and my question is if your health permits will you be the old geezer landing three’s trotting down the court in a head band and windbreaker shorts? Could u see yourself playing as a senior? Let alone 86?

I mean, in my dreams that will happen but I’m not counting on it. I play in a few weekly runs and there are some older dudes at one of those runs. Looking at them, It’s clear that balling out after 50 is not easy. There is a certain kinda fragility that comes with old age that makes a person go the opposite of “hard in the paint”. These dudes don’t even set picks cause they wanna avoid the contact and when they fall down, it’s kinda scary. Shit, I’m not even 40 yet and my body is in constant pain from basketball ball. Every week some new little injury pops up and it drags on for weeks at a time. At the moment, I may or may not have a hernia…or I might have just pulled a lower abdomen muscle. I honestly have no clue but it came out of nowhere and it’s sidelined me for a few weeks now. I’d imagine at 80, that kinda injury gets replaced with a broken hip.
To be perfectly honest, I dunno even know if I’d wanna live to be that old in the first place. I was talking to my girl about this just yesterday. What is the good part of being that old? The perspective on life? I feel like the moment my body stops working how it needs to work, life would be pretty miserable. It’s a depressing line of thinking but, goddamn, fuck getting old.

The idea of sample based music is mind blowing. You are probably one if the most underrated musicians out there due to the fact that not many people understand exactly what the F is happening when you boom bap…. My question is : How the hell do you chop a nice ass bassline and then somehow find a guitar that happens to be playing in the same key… I know you give credit to your software but is there a certain level of it just sounding right to the ear? I cant help but try and deconstruct the beat when I hear you and Im like ” How’d he know to put that with that?”

And man, do I boom bap! shout out to all the european fans out there. You guys always have the best little turns of phrase in your questions.
Anyway,
It’s pretty simple actually. I’m just able to tell when something is in key with another thing. That’s it. It’s kind of the cornerstone of all music. Not being tone deaf. It’s nothing to be proud of as it’s simply something EVERY musician should be able to do. If you cannot do that, then making music is not for you. I used to work with this dude who made beats and he would try and layer samples but they would be all sorts of “out of tune” . He literally couldn’t tell.I’d be like “Those two things don’t work together” and he’d respond “Nah, they synch up fine” , totally missing my point. When I hear something that’s not in key, it’s like nails on a chalkboard for me. I don’t look at this as a talent or skill on any level. Being able to discern when a note if flat just from hearing it is something I assume everyone would be able to do, but I guess not. I guess you’re born with it like a singing voice or being a lefty.

You seem to enjoy writing and I find you hysterical, most of the time. Do you hope to eventually write a book?

I do have fun writing , Most of the time. It’s a great way to just purge any creative energy I have laying around. As far as a book? I’ve never given in much serious though. On one hand, sure, it’d be cool to write a book. On the other, what the fuck would I write an entire book about? Even if it was a collection of “essays”, I dunno how well that would translate into one coherent piece. Not to mention, they’d have to hire like 5 editors to really crack down on all my grammatical and spelling errors. Like that sentence I just wrote right there…there’s no way it’s correct. But, hey, if someone offered me a book deal, I wouldn’t turn it down!
Speaking of writing, my mom found some old school work of mine and one of the things she located was this amazing review of star wars I wrote in 2nd grade.
IMG_20140223_161217_194

Not talking about a new job or career change or anything like that, but if you had the chance to participate in something fun as a one-off gig within the entertainment world, what would you choose?

-Being able to pre-interview Catfish candidates for Nev and Max
-Hang around Howard Stern’s Studio and bring him his coffee
-Assist MTV producers in designing the next Real World season

Man, those are all excellent gigs. I’m not even kidding. I’d gladly do any of those things. For an actual living (except the coffee getting gig but, still, that would be kinda cool).
Getting to talk to any of those Catfishing lunatics would be fascinating and being in the Howard Stern studio would be fun as well. But thinking about this, I’d have to go with the one I think I’d be best at. Designing the next real world. Cause, as someone who has shamefully watched every season of that shit show, I know what it takes to make it work. I’d eliminate a lot of bullshit, pick an amazing cast and find a perfect location for it. That would be soooooooo much fun.
Picking the people would be amazing. I think I’d get 5 really attractive people and two total wild cards. Maybe a person who may or may not be serial killer. Or a person who’s a germ chaser (one of those crazy people who tries to get AIDS). They always have sociopaths but they never go balls to the wall with that. I’m sure the psychological screening is crazy for that show but, hey, one serial killer slips through the cracks…how could we know!?!?! It would certainly raise the stakes. The hijinks would be epic.

I’ma long time listner, first time caller. I was wondering what your opinion was on the other Blockhead? And by other blockhead, I mean the flash animated one. This guy:
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/396965
You see, I use to think your name was derived from him and his awesomeness. But then I grew up. And realised you were old. I don’t want to ask your name origins, because I’m sure many have asked you before. Researching online, and seeing this cartoon, it seems that blockheads are common creatures, but are generally regarded as stupid. Do you perceive yourself as a blockhead in this sense? If so, you shouldn’t. Your alright mate. Ya not dumb either. I’ve learnt a lot of wisdom from your page. I do have a father, but he wasn’t that wise, so you see I depend on bloggers to teach me life lessons.

Yeah, I never heard of that cartoon till this very moment. It was…okay.
My name has nothing to do with any former usage of the term. It’s not based on that cartoon, charlie brown, gumby’s enemies or people who nail things into their heads.
It was just my rap name before I made beats and based entirely on me having a square head (jaw) when I was younger. It was an era of self depreciating names and I ran with it.

What are your thoughts on non-traditional hip hop like clouddead? I see it as an interesting departure from the norm but It seems like a lot of fans of hip hop can’t see it as more than anything but backpacker shit for people that don’t know what “real” hip hop is.
It depends. I haven’t heard a cloud dead song since the early 2000’s but I was always kinda iffy about them. They made interesting stuff for sure but it wasn’t really the type of thing I would find myself listening to. in many ways, my taste in what I listen to on my own is way more traditional than the music I actually make might dictate. At the same time, I’m all for weirdo rap. I just need to the rapers doing it to be legit good rappers. Not saying Dose-one isn’t a good rapper at all. He can rap his ass off but he’s a very particular taste.
The thing about a lot of non-traditional rappers is that they’re generally dudes who couldn’t pull of traditional rap (again, this is not referring to Clouddead at all). It would be like a painter who can only do abstract Jackson pollack type stuff but can’t paint a bowl of fruit decently. In order for one to be convincing, you must first learn the basics. A lot of non-traditional rap sounds like white dudes with no real background in rapping trying too hard to be different. It’s often a case of people focusing on the detials but overlooking the big picture. It’s the type of thing that, when it’s good (Freestyle fellowship is a example) it’s awesome but when it’s bad, it’s even worse than boring mediocre traditional rap cause it’s someone truly missing on all cylinders.

How bad is this song?

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Listen, I try my best (which isn’t that great) to put you guys on to up and coming artists. I TRY! Sometimes, it’s a dry week though and we gotta go the other direction.
Old rappers, man. As a guy who’s basically an old producer, I can relate. You age. You lose focus on what was once natural to you. You lose touch with anything relevant. You have kids, bills and real life shit to worry about that was never a real issue when you were 20 years old. Some do better than other. Recently, i praised the surprisingly good Q-tip and Busta Rhymes song that dropped a few months back. Sadly, for every small victory for old rappers everywhere, there are also defeats. Enter the new Onyx song/video.

Normally, I’d give the old “Yay or Nay” treatment to a song like this but it’s pointless. I know the answer. So much so that I ponder…how bad is this song?
Is it harmlessly not good or is it the worst thing ever made? I’m curious as to what you think.
So, I ask you. On a scale of 0-10, how bad is this song. Just to clarify, let’s go over what each number means:
0-Fuck you, I like it!
1-It’s not THAT bad. i might actually listen to it a few times before I forget it even existed
2-Hey man, I’ve heard worse. I used to love onyx. I might not bump it but I’m not mad at it.
3-It’s not the best onyx can do…in fact, it’s pretty bad but, still, I don’t see the big deal.
4-Sure, it’s kinda bad. Who cares?
5-It’s pretty bad.
6-Man, this is REALLY not good.
7-This song fucking sucks.
8-This is the worst thing I’ve heard in a long time, which is saying a lot cause I listen to the radio.
9- Possibly one of the worst songs I’ve ever heard
10-This is, without question, one of the worst songs ever made. Worse that “rag doll” by Aerosmith. Worse than Reggeaton. Worse than a kick in the nuts. This is THE Worst.

So, using the above guidelines, how bad is this song?

Fuck/marry/kill Vol. 32

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It’s been a while…since I said I’m sorry. Word to Staind, it’s that time again. To clarify, as always, fuck/marry/kill is dumb and juvenile. This is done in total jest (though my answers are honest) and not meant to be taken seriously. Clearly, I don’t want to kill or marry any of these people, nor do I have the power to make any of those three options happen. It’s just a dumb game. If this kinda thing tends to bother you, just skip it cause it’s not gonna change your mind.
To those who know the drill, enjoy!

F/M/K: brunette with slight social issues edition: That depressed chick from The Breakfast Club that volunteers for detention (Ally Sheedy) 2. Jeneane garafalo in Romy and Michele’s High school reunion 3. Rose McGowan in Planet Terror

Kill: Jeneane Garofalo In Romy and Michele’s High school reunion
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I’m assuming these choices are based upon the actual characters and not the real life actresses so I’m gonna just role with that in mind.
I haven’t seen this movie in a while and, being that I’m a male, it was never a huge deal to me. It was cute but I know girls who feel this one is one of the all time great comedies. Anyway, I kinda recall her character being sarcastic , somewhat mean and void of any sexuality. While that’s a personality type I could see myself being friends with on some level, it certainly doesn’t inspire me to want to have sex or marry that person. It’s a bummer too cause I always though Garofalo was secretly kinda pretty. Just not in any way I’d want to get physical with. Like I said, she didn’t exactly emanate that particular vibe.
So, just based on that, I gotta kill Garofalo in this movie. I’d probably wanna get drunk and talk shit with her first though.

Fuck: Rose McGowan in Planet Terror
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Pretty obvious choice here. I mean, she’s the hot one. Even though one of her legs is a gun, I’d try and limit the sexual positions to ones that don’t have that thing pointing in my face. Also, sex with an amputee is , at the very least, an interesting story. But a hot amputee? Even better.

Marry:That depressed chick from The Breakfast Club that volunteers for detention (Ally Sheedy)
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This is a tough one cause , on one hand, I grew up watching this movie. While other boys were into Molly Ringwald (I often wonder, were they really, though?) I actually always thought Ally Sheedy was kinda cute in this movie. In a “Oh, that squatter is pretty” kinda way. But that kinda face that she has was always one I found myself drawn to, even to this day. Like a sultry eskimo. On the other hand, I’m not a kid anymore and she’s a teenager in this movie. So, there’s that. But, fuck it, considering I know for a fact the real Ally Sheedy is much older than me, i don’t feel that bad about it.
But, remove all the semantics , and she was weird cute girl and that’s always been marriage material on some level. Granted, her dandruff was gross (she ate it too) but I figure girls will grow out of that and eventually become clean. I dated a punk girl when I was that age. Being filthy is a phase. So, I’d roll the dice and wife up Sheedy.

FMK 1. Vans 2. Converse 3. Adidas

Marry: Adidas
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To be honest, I don’t generally wear any of these brands. I’ve always been a Nike guy. That said, I have owned some decent pairs of adidas over the years. While they often , seem like they’re trying too hard to appeal to nordic break dancers, they do come up with some nice shit and there’s no denying they have some classic shoes. I could live the rest of my life in only Adidas if I had to…but I’d be jerking off to Nike the entire time.

Fuck:Converse
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I guess I only picked them to fuck cause of their history. They had some classic kicks in the 70’s and I’ve definitely rocked them a few times. Some really dope High-top sneakers that , if someone gave to me now, I’d be pretty psyched on. Their new shit is abysmal though. Also, I loath chucks. I’m not a greaser in the 50’s, nor am I the kid from Rushmore. I realize they are a staple of all humanity but , to me, they only look right when worn by girls. Even then, I don’t love them.

Kill: Vans
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I don’t skate. Never did. I also don’t lived near a beach or on a boat. Admittedly, I’m 100% biased against these shoes cause, for the majority of my life, they were simply not conducive to living in a city where you walk a lot. They were blister machines and, god forbid, you step on a piece of glass or something.
Also, they all look like boat shoes to me. They lacked gumption. Too frail looking. Girls wore them. Wack dudes loved them. That was my view of Vans when I was younger. As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to embrace simplicity in footwear. In fact, I see why people love Vans. Ten years ago, I woulda laughed in the face of anyone trying to make a case for vans. So, while i “get it” now, the damage has been done to my psyche. I simply cannot be a part of that world(I opt for the nike brand Van rip offs). I feel the same way about pea coats. I recognize, as an adult, that they are fine but I’m simply not the guy that will ever wear one.

F/M/K those chicks from the 90′s show friends edition 1. Jen Aniston 2. Courtney Cox 3. Lisa Kudrow

Marry: Courtney Cox
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I’m kinda shocked I haven’t done this one already. Maybe I did and forgot. Who knows?
Anyway, She was always my type of the three. A hot blue eyed brunette. I’m ignoring any character traits from the show cause I only saw it a few times. In fact, I’m basing this as much on the show as I am the feelings I got in my stomach when I was a kid watching her dance with Bruce Springsteen in the “Dancing in the dark” video.
(Go to 3:23 and fall in love the same way I did)

I was like “Who’s that girl? One day I will play a stupid game where I pretend I have the power to fuck, marry or kill three women who are super famous and wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire…and I will take her hand in hypothetical marriage”. And it was so…

Fuck: Jennifer Aniston
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I bet a lot of you wanted me to kill her. Well, you guys are jerks and I’m shallow. Let’s be real…She’s the most famous , normal looking person ever. She’s got a crazy body but that kinda of grill is one you can find seating people at Chile’s Restaurants across the country. But you know what? She’s still cute. I mean, we can sit here and talk about who’s hotter and some assholes can lean back in their chairs dismissing Aniston , as if they haven’t only had sex with girls ten notches below her their entire life. In the game of Fuck/marry/kill she’s kind of the perfect “fuck”. Cause, she looks like a girl most of us might actually have sex with one day. Except with a banging body. I doubt any man is turning that down. But, clearly, no one is marrying her either. Literally.

Kill: Lisa Kudrow
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I feel bad for Lisa Kudrow. She’s probably been killed in versions of this game played all over the world for years. Thing is, she’s not bad looking. She’s also got some big boobs that she tends to keep hidden. In reality, most guys would gladly make love to Lisa Kudrow. However, she seems to lack an magnetism. She looks like a girl who doesn’t even like sex and , sometimes, that can be a real turnoff. But, more than anything, she’s always gonna be the one who gets left out when matched up with these other two. She’s what Kelly Roland was when Destiny’s child was still together (f/m/k-wise, not musically). I will say this though, I bet she’s by far the coolest of the three. But, like I said, I’m shallow and this is “fuck/marry/kill”. Sorry.

F/M/K Carbs!: Rice, Noodles, Bread

Kill: Rice
rice-pilaf
Goddamnit. I don’t wanna kill rice. I love rice. But, when I think of the big picture, I need it the least. I would miss sushi (I guess sashimi would be the move from here on out) and , really, anything rice related. It’s just the other two are so crucial to my eating happiness , they leave me no choice. So, while i would kill rice, I’d be crying while I did it and I’d never forget the time we shared.

Fuck: Noodles
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I’m assuming this includes pasta as well…cause that’s a big one. But, really, it’s winter in NYC and I’ve been obsessed with Ramen lately. A few good spots finally opened up in my neighborhood and it’s gotten to the point where I need it like once a week at least. Couldn’t have ramen without noodles! But, also, italian food. It’s the best and , if it wasn’t so fattening, I’d eat pasta every day. I think that’s why I would just fuck Noodles. To only have it for the rest of my life would be glorious but I’d also become so fat , I’d be one of those obese dudes on the TLC network who needs to be airlifted out his crib and requires a mop with an extra long handle to wipe his ass. No bueno.

Marry: Bread
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Bread is the best cause , on its own, it’s still good. Plain rice or noodles with nothing on them are flavorless but some fresh out the over bread? FUCK YES. Add some butter and I might start masturbating right here. And that’s just bread in it’s most basic form! Bread makes sandwiches! What’s better than a sandwich!?!?! NOTHING, BRO.
And the varieties…You could have some Naan or foccacia, some bum ass wheat bread if you’re that kinda person. Shit, you couldn’t make a french onion soup without some cheese covered bread on top. I’m getting worked up here. I’m gonna go to a bakery and stick my dick in a wood burning oven.

Rogglecast #5: Siskel and Ebert

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This week, Pollyne and I take a few questions, discuss the politics of selfies , take a personal and revealing survey and talk about how they can’t relate to certain kinds of movies from certain eras and countries.
Enjoy and download! Also, peep us and subscribe on I-tunes. Search “Rogglecast”.
Okay? Yessssss.