Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 33

Awww shit…I’m back! It’s been a month or so and it’s time once again for “Ask Dr. Tony”. This is where you guys ask me for advice concerning topics of the heart. Why me? No clue. I’m just a guy who makes beats. That said, I’m a stranger who is even-handed and honest so it sorta makes sense if you think about it. To be clear, I’m not licensed to drive a car, let alone tell you how to make your love life work but, I swear, I’m decent at this. If you have a question that needs to be answered concerning your life, your love or whatever it is, send it my way: or leave it in the comments below. The Doctor is ALWAYS in. This week starts out with one of the wackier situations I’ve come across. It will also explain the significance of the header picture.
Let’s go!

Me and my girlfriend/fiance’ are going to have our first child next year. She has a had a boy with another dude before me and named him after RHCP front man Anthony Kiedis and had this dream of naming our unborn son Michael after bassist FLEA to complete the RHCP band or at least get close to it. I am not a big RHCP fan and I think the whole idea is a bit stupid and would rather go the route and give the kid a more normal name that we can both agree on and I can look proudly at my son every day and be happy that he wasnt named after another rock icon.

All that aside, the name Michael also is the name of one of her ex boyfriends that I never particularly cared for or had any real friendship with because i always thought this dude was a joke and when I did hear about her involvement with him I actually got a bit dumbfounded on her choice on men. Im not saying Im the cream of the crop by any means but I really just thought that she is way better than this guy and judging by what I know of him hes really just another guy trying get some panties dropped. I know all this because we all have worked together at the same company for a few years and he just always seemed to be a bit of a douch bag and I know I wasnt the only one who thought this.

I had mentioned this to her and she thinks its a cop out of an answer to get me to change her mind about the naming process because she was dead set on this. Am I out of line to go a more traditional route and give the kid a proper name? Am I being unreasonable by not wanting to name my kid after her ex, whom I still to this day would rather never speak his name in my household for as long as we both live. This isnt our first child for each of us and maybe not the last but I would really hate to make the ultimate mistake and give my kid a wack name that I would regret for the rest of my life.

Two things pop out here
1)I mean this in the least offensive way possible but your girl sounds like a pretty huge cornball. I mean, listen, the Red Hot Chili Peppers are a famous fucking band but…come on…Jesus christ. This is like when people get a tattoo of a band on their arm except, instead of ink on skin it’s a full human being. Perhaps , I’d suggest you play her this song and it might give her a little perspective on the RHCP
2) Let’s not pretend that Michael isn’t an EXTREMELY normal name. It’s not like she wants to name him “Flea” or “The guy Michael I used to fuck”. So, your argument for a “normal name” doesn’t really make sense. That said, you are the father and should have as much say in naming your kid as your wife. Well, maybe not as much say…all you did was dump a load in her nine months ago. She did all the heavy lifting. Still, you should certainly have a voice.

There are so many elements of this that make me think you have a shitty fiance that it’s kinda hard to wrap my head around. Sure, Michael is one of the most common names ever but if you’re really set on not naming you own child that, how can she really deny you? You have legit reasons. If she was a reasonable person she would see that , perhaps, meeting you half way on this one would be the logical step. Who gets dead set on naming their kid after a red hot chile pepper to the point where it’s a matter of distress with their other half? It’s played out to say but compromise is one of the most crucial parts of a healthy relationship. If she can’t accept that then she needs to grow up…and stop listening to shitty music as well.

Hey there Dr. Tony. I’ve got a pretty weird situation here and I’m wondering what should be done.

For about 3 years, I had a mad crush on this guy we’re going to call Alex. We’re both artists, and from day one when he showed his self-portraits to the class, I was impressed with him. Impressed turned into smitten, and smitten turned into “determined to date”. We had a lot of common interests and I appreciated his feedback with art and his taste in film/music. Unfortunately, Alex was also an asshole and never did a nice thing for me in my life (except maybe his ability to pinpoint every vulnerability I had helped me to grow a thicker skin and value myself over the opinions of others– but that isn’t exactly “nice”).

But I recently found somebody who has all of Alex’s great qualities. The sharp mind, the artistic talent, a great eye for aesthetics, appealing taste in good film… the list goes on! We could talk for hours if he wasn’t so busy with work. Let’s call him Stan. Stan and I had lunch a while back that was amazing and he said he really wanted to see me again soon.

Now, the problem here is that Stan is Alex’s older brother.

We really hit it off. He’s exactly what I crave in a partner: creatively and intellectually stimulating. I got the feeling he was interested in spending more time with me whenever it’s next possible, we cure each others boredom. There’s amazing potential here, but I’m worried about his asshole brother Alex. I wouldn’t be surprised if he made a big fuss over me going for his brother.
The next issue is that Stan is being promoted to work on the west coast. Should I even bother investing myself in this if he’s just going to move across the country (we’re in the midwest) within the next year? Or is this something we’ll have to set aside for a few years down the line? I just worry about missing the opportunity.

First off, as much as you respect Alex’s mind and art, who gives a fuck what he thinks about when it comes to who you date? unless you two have a sexual/dating history together, he holds no ties with you. Hell, even if you drunkly fucked a few times, he has no ownership over you whatsoever. From the sound of it, he wasn’t interested in the first place and he’s kind of a self absorbed prick (typical artist , btw). So, if you wanna date his nicer, equally stimulating brother, hop on that.
Secondly, I’m always gonna be anti-long distance relationship. I think it’s simply too hard for most couples to get through. ESPECIALLY new couples. So, realistically, it’s probably not a great idea to get involved. That said, you could just say fuck it and see what happens. For all you know, it could just be a fun fling. You don’t need to start worrying about the relationship just yet. That’s one of those “cross the bridge when we get there” problems. So, I’d say go with what you feel but don’t lose sight that there’s a strong possibility it won’t work out for logistical reasons.

Hey Dr. T,

I’ve been dating this girl for a little over a year now and everything has gone great in terms of the relationship; I still love her to death, she is way in to me, the sex is good, meeting parents, etc. So everything is great in my relationship and there are times where I catch myself slipping and thinking about a future with her. That being said, I am twenty fucking one years old, and while I don’t necessarily want to go out and throw my dick at everything that moves, I feel at the same time like there are maybe ten (?) more years in my life where I can adventure with relationships and sex and be care free about any sort of long term commitment. So I guess what I’m asking is, is it worth it to break up a great relationship just because I think it is limiting my social potential?

Man, this is a tough one. Thing is, everyone is wired differently. Personally, I would never have been able to settle down at 21. Too many experiences out there to throw it all away over young love. I’m a strong proponent of people not dating seriously till after, like, 25. But that’s me…there are other dudes out there who don’t have those leanings. Guys who genuinely just fall in love with the girl of their dreams at the age of 20 and never look back. I take my hat off to those dudes…I also think they’re insane but, hey, that’s why we’re different.
But let’s be real, 21 is young. You may be an adult when you’re 21 but you’re really not there yet. In many ways, your head is still soft on the top.

So, the question for you is really what type of dude are you? You love this girl. Things are great. That’s swell. But, 9 years down the line, do you think you’ll feel the same way? I’m not baiting here…I’m asking that honestly. If you have an inkling that you are the type of guy who will look back on your youth regretting not getting to live life as a single guy in his 20’s, then I’d advise not settling down. But if you’re a guy who feels more comfortable in a relationship, then go for it. And don’t forget, this works both ways. You may be fiending for new ass a few years from now but, guess what? So will she. It’s human nature. The only thing stopping us from fucking everyone else are the basic rules of decency and centuries of blindly followed tradition.
So, I’d say , if you’re happy, roll with it. What’s the worst that can happen? You’re so young that it’s not even a factor yet. Wait till you’re 5 years deep in your relationship before you start worrying about any of this.

I’ve never had sex and have just gotten together with a girl for the first time. What method of birth control do you prefer? I keep hearing condoms suck, and the side effects for the pills look kind of shitty. Are there any things I should know about sex technique before having it or does it just come naturally?

Oh man…I’m the wrong guy to ask about this. When I was single, the prime ways of birth control were condoms, hoping the girl was on the pill or pulling out and crossing my fingers. Well, I had no kids or diseases so Hooray!
But, lucky for you, you’re probably less of a piece of shit than I was so I’d say roll with condoms for now. For two reasons:
1)They’re easy to use and you can control your own usage of them. No relying on the word of another person.
2)because you’re a virgin, you need all the help you can get. You’re gonna bust your nut so quickly the first few times, it’s gonna seem like sex is impossible. With a condom on, it lessens the sensitivity and that may help prolong your experience. It’s like training wheels for your dick, in that sense. You’re not ready for that raw dawg life…that is for certain. To be clear, yes, condoms do suck. But , considering where you’re at now, you won’t know the difference. You tell a kid who just got his first hand job that hand jobs suck, he’ll look at you like a crazy cause he’s never gotten head before. We learn and get more refined as we go.
As far as technique, penis goes in, penis goes out. There’s no one thing I can tell you that will make you a great lover. All I can say is pay attention to the person you’re having sex with. Read their cues. If you want to make it a pleasurable experience for both of you, that’s important. It’s similar to having a good conversation with someone. Pacing and timing are crucial but paying attention is the key. Also, learn about vaginas. Clits, bro, clits.

4 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 33

  1. Phew, I need to catch my breath a bit on the first one, I kinda hope that was written in jest. But if it wasn’t…with a kid on the way, I understand how you have to be all even steven about the whole thing because their deal is clearly already sealed.

    And, as cheesy as it is, maybe there’s a legitimate reason behind her obsession. Like the song “scar tissue” helped her conquer an addiction and whatever or seeing them at Lollapalooza or wherever made her appreciate live music. Who knows.

    But if this question is legit, I think this guy should seriously just straight up ask her if….say, she met Kiedis & Flea after a show and they wanted to bone her…would she have a hard time turning that down? Because if she gets all giddy about the prospect, this dude realllllly needs to take a more assertive look at things. Because naming your children after celebs you fantasize about boning is FUCKIN’ NUTSO, amirite?

  2. Hey hey, at least she’s not planning on naming her unborn child “GAROL” (thanks for bringing my attention to BROAD CITY, so fun!)

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