Demo Reviews vol. 44

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Sup bro. Sup mah? Sup brah?
Time for another edition of Demo reviews. This is where people willfully send me their music for me to review. More often than not, it’s a bad idea on their part cause I’m the worst. This week, in particular, is a pretty rough bunch. Just a heads up.
Oh yeah, before i get into it, I’ve been getting a bunch of submissions this week. I just want to let you know that none of those emails have even been opened. Submissions are closed so , anything that gets sent to me during this time, is as good as junk mail. I’d feel bad about it but , honestly, I go over this every week. If dudes can’t read instructions, what can I do about it?
Anyway, the reviews work like so: I write a blurb about my thoughts, then rate the songs in these four categories from 1-10
Production
Vocals
Listenability
originality

These rating really don’t mean shit and rarely go above a 5/10 but people like numbers so I keep doing them.
So, without further ado, here’s this week haul. Have mercy on our souls.

Artist: Daniel Hunter
Song: Mirage


That was kinda like being on LSD with the Beach Boys. While that sentence sounds like I’m selling it, I’m really not. It was strange and , overall, not bad but, at the same time, it was pretty boring and minimal. It was just two parts all together. That’s barely a song. It felt more like an interlude. Production wise, it was okay. Decent drums (some sounds worked better than others) and the effects definitely worked in giving it that drugged out vibe.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Aaron Hansen
Song: Born dead


This one shows some potential. The guy can rap well enough, even though he’s rough around the edges. Also, the MF Doom influence is a little heavy. In particular, the phrasing of how he says things is almost biting doom so much , it’s hard to ignore.
But, like i said, the potential is there. Just gotta find your own voice and tighten up the flow a little.
The beat is a simple loop but does the job. This song is one of those joints that is actually more enjoyable when you don’t pick it a apart.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
originality:3 out of 10

Artist: Maajr
Song:Automatic


It’s rare that I hear a demo that I feel is the work of a true genius. well, guess what? This isn’t it. Why on earth would anyone send me this kinda shit? Thing is, as they typically are, these kind of pop songs are always well made. Duh, they’re pop songs. That’s kinda crucial. But, yeah, I’m not a a club in Cabo trying to fingerbang so girl on molly and this shit ain’t for me. If Will.I.Am did Demo reviews, this is what he should be reviewing.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:2.5 out of 10
Listenability:3 out of 10
originality:3 out of 10

Artist: Lackluster
Song: Uppercut


Is this drum and bass? I have no clue. You know why? Cause I don’t listen to drum and bass. Never have. In fact, it always boggles my mind when people send me it (or dubstep or jungle) to review cause , if you read these reviews, it’s clear that’s not shit even remotely in my wheelhouse of musical interests. So, when people see that and still feel the need to send me these kind of songs to review, it leads to one of these dumb rants about how I have no idea how to review this kind of music.
So, yeah…it’s well done? I have no fucking clue.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:2 out of 10
originality:No clue

Artist: Fardaad
Song: Whistle at’em


This dude is heavy on his own swag but the voice doesn’t really work for me. It’s like a country singer rapping or something. I could see it done aggressively from a rocking chair. He’s not a bad rapper though. I just don’t know if the style or voice jibe with me.
Production wise, it’s pretty sparse. I can’t even really put my finger on what’s going on, to be honest.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
originality:5 out of 10

Artist: JefJux
Song: Boy good


Before even listening, I gotta say, change that name, bro. Maybe it’s just how soundcloud has you listed but naming yourself after a defunct indie rap label is both weird and limiting. Anyway…the music.
The beat is okay. Head nodder shit. Standard fare but still decent. The rapper can rap but I’m confused. Did I really hear him do “iggity-biggity” style at one point? in 2014? What? wow. That’s beyond retro and ironic. Between the name and some of the rap choices he made this is tough one to really pin down. Still, not a bad effort overall.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Alex Klinger
Song: (cult)ure Feat. Jimmy Astro


This is a bugged out one. First and foremost, I like this rapper. Like heads and shoulders above anyone I’ve heard today. He’s kinda wacky, yet plays into pop rap all while being skilled and clever even though he’s rapping about played out shit. That’s a skill in itself.
Production wise, this shit is a mess. It’s got some cool parts and elements that come in and out but the over all sequencing of it is chaotic and doesn’t really make sense. Also, I kinda hate the drum sounds used. Too tinny.
That Kanye rant sample in the beginning was pretty awesome though.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:6 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: La mojarra
Song:El Chavo


This sounds like someone tuning their instruments over a mediocre drum machine. Everything sounds out of key. That’s really all i can say about. It’s a total and complete mess.

Artist:J-malz
song: People ask


This is a tough one to call. There’s nothing wrong with it. I mean, it’s flawed but nothing I can point to like “that’s the problem!”. That said, I just don’t find myself drawn to it. The beat is okay. The rapper is okay. The song structure is fine. It’s actually a well put together piece on all levels. I dunno…I’m sure this will click with someone. Maybe I’m just cranky today? Can you blame me , though? These fucking demos, man…
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
originality:4 out of 10

Production:2 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:1 out of 10
originality:3 out of 10

Artist: Simon Sed
Song:under construction


This one fits nicely into that “average rap demo I receive” category. A decent beat that’s slightly on the emo tip. A white rapper talking about his feelings. Neither of these things are inherently wack but it’s also some shit I’m not really checking for. I’d say, I prefer the beat to the raps though. The MC either needs some more time to mature and sound less like he’s reading the words off of paper (I had that same problem as a rapper) OR he’s just not really cut out to take this rapping thing much further.
This actually reminds me a lot of myself when I used to rap. Very similar flaws.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:4 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
originality:3.5 out of 10

So, what do you think?

Rogglecast7-Throw that boy poopy

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To be clear, this a picture from halloween in the later 90’s. We don’t really look like that. annnnnyway…
It’s been a few weeks, but Pollyne and I are back with I-tunes #5,586,438 most popular Podcast. This week we play no games and get right into the dirt. We answer a question about anal sex, talk about weird jobs we’ve had and tell tales of pooping mistakes. This one is definitely not…umm…clean. Listen here or go to I-tunes and pep it. Download it. Subscribe. Give it good reviews. Whatever you gotta do, bro. You’re your own person and I respect that. Anyway, here’s the new Rogglecast…

Peep this remix I did for The Skins!

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If you’ve been following this blog for a while the name “The Skins” might be a familiar name to you. They’re a brooklyn based band that’s very likely going to be all over the place in the near future that I’ve been big upping for a whine now. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting, hanging and working with them. For more info (and a free mix I made of random hip hop) read this:
https://phatfriend.com/2013/10/16/a-mix-for-the-youth/

As for this Remix, I did it a while back and honestly just want people to hear it already. I’m not the most patient guy on earth. It’s a definite departure from the original but, hey, that tends to happen when a hip hop beat maker remixes a rock song. Anyway, Enjoy.
Here’s a download link if you’d like to own this song as your very own (for FREE!)
http://www.sendspace.com/file/n34brv

If you’re feeling the skins, like them on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/theskinsband

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 34

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Hey there. Time for another edition of “Ask Dr. Tony”. Where I give advice to people who clearly need it cause , well, they’re asking a niche hip hop producer to help them. That said, I think I am a level headed guy who won’t pull punches when it comes to your life’s problems. I should add that I’m not a doctor or qualified to give anyone anything so, you know, if I’m wrong, my bad!
Still, let me try and help you. Send me questions you need an answer to. Could be about your love life, your personal life or maybe just something you feel like you need an outside opinion on. Anything in that realm. Send all questions to me: phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below.
This week starts with a bang…This poor, poor, lonely dude…

So here ya go: I’m in my second year of college (20 years old) and recently moved back home with my parents after losing a scholarship from an out of state school (can’t afford that shit now). So I’m living at home and commuting to school in the city for a year where I have a decent internship and it seems to all be working out.
Next year I’m moving in with friends and transferring to the main campus where I know more people.

Last year I lived in the dorms where it was easy to meet tons of people, and i actually had a lot of good friends and connections. But now, I have a hard time meeting new girls strictly through class/on campus. As a math major, there are essentially zero attractive girls in my classes. Even when I do start talking to someone I’m interested in, I feel like its wack to bring them back to my parents house and try to get some action there. I live about a 30 minute drive from campus so that might play somewhat of a role in this. I feel like when i have my own place and live near a community driven campus where i actually know people, i will be able to meet girls just fine, but until then im kinda in a predicament.

Here’s the thing, ive been seeing my ex “high school sweetheart” for a few months now. Things with the girl are actually fine, we have great sex and generally get along, but she cheated on me in high school and im embarrassed to hang out with her in public. I often beat myself up even hanging out with her alone, thinking “shit man, she is absolutely not worth putting any time into”. I guess i feel weak/powerless when im with her after she cheated on me even though it was years ago. Oh and another thing, this girl has basically ZERO friends All of her friends stopped hanging with her from high school, her roommates hate her and she pretty much only hangs out with two different guys, only ever drinking with one of them and the other is her “best friend” who she slept with about a year ago. Shes definitely dramatic and attention seeking, but i do believe we’ve been exclusive since we started dating again. Still, there’s definitely some red flags. Theres a good chance we are only together cuz we’re lonely, but i genuinely get along great with this girl and we do care about each other. As much as I care about her, I could leave her instantly and not look back. Unfortunately, since I dated and loved her back in the day, its one of those things where im not cool with being cordial, no-strings-attached friends with benefits.

So am i just being a pussy for still being hurt over getting cheated on back in the day? Should i keep seeing her cuz we get along great and fuck a lot? Should I break things off completely now to avoid getting more invested, or should i keep her around until I move out? How can i meet,hang out, and hook up with girls while living with my parents and being under 21? Any opinions on this would be great… HELP ME OUT BLOCK.

Jesus dude, you’re all over the place. I need to sort through this one. and tackle each things one by one.
1)You live at home but drive 30 minutes to school. BUT you have friends on campus.
Two things pop up here: You’re 20. What person is really gonna judge you for still living at home? especially other college aged girls. College aged girls put up with more bummy ass dudes than anyone. Most of them won’t see a bed bigger than a twin at a dudes house until they’re 23. Let a one one with a box spring. I get that bringing girls to your parents house might not be the move but have you considered maybe just going to their place? which brings me to, if you do indeed have friends and connections on campus, go hang out and crash at their dorms or something. Surely that’s no that big a deal. People do that all the time and, worst case scenario, just sleep in the common area (dorms still have those, right?). That’s what I used to do and it worked fine. To me , it sounds like you’re making excuses. The guy I knew who got the most girls in high school was also a guy who never let anyone into his house. He simply found a way.

2)You’re girl is a red flag monster.
She has no female friends? That’s a terrible sign. That typically means that she’s a piece of shit that every girl she’s been friends with has removed from their lives. Why? Well from the sounds of if she seems pretty deceptive. She cheats on dudes and I’m sure she’s no stranger to using her female friends in similar ways. You said she only hangs with three dudes. You, a guy she drinks with (she’s probably fucking him, btw) and a “friend” who she boned once who is her “best friend”. I dunno if she’s fucking both of them but I guarantee , if she isn’t, they’re both hanging around just in case they can make that happen.

3)You said you could leave her at the drop of a hat if needed…that’s typically a bad sign. I think it’s clear you’re both still hooking up with each other out of loneliness. She’s a monster who can’t keep friends without involving her sexuality and you’re feeling like a dude stranded on an island even though you have a car (i assume) and can leave whenever you want.

My advice would be to cut her off. She just seems like bad news at this point in her life. However, I doubt you’re gonna do that until you see a light at the end of the tunnel so , at the very least, don’t invest ANYTHING into this. The same way you can drop her, don’t think she won’t do the same thing the second a decent opportunity comes along. Trust me, she’s as bored and lonely as you are. If you must, keep seeing her but have an exit plan ready at all times cause the two of you together sound like a disaster.

From reading past posts of yours it appears that you know many people of all different lifestyles so I was wondering if you knew any females who were or are Sugar Babys? What is your opinion on Sugar babys?

It’s been a while since I’ve heard that term but those are basically younger girls who find wealthy old men to pay for them but “kinda” dating them. They often don’t even fuck them ever.
Fortunately, I don’t think I know anyone who does this kinda thing. I’ve met a few here and there but no one that straight up seeks it out. Money grubbing hoes is one thing but being a sugar baby is a much more focused step.
What do I think of them? I think they’re awful people. Obviously. Anyone who’s existence depends entirely on cheating others out of what they have earned via fake companionship is clearly a terrible person. That said, they’re no better than the dudes who go for that shit. I wrote something about it years ago…Haven’t read it in a while but maybe it will still apply:
https://phatfriend.com/2011/05/10/sugar-daddies-and-babies/

How serious should one take Valentine’s Day when the relationship is brand new (less than a month) yet fairly serious for the time frame? After a few months then the romantic flowers and chocolates can come out, but it seems like its a little too early for that. I cant see buying a dozen roses for a girl when we haven’t said the I love yous yet. Is breaking tradition completely and still getting a gift that doesn’t imply the desire to be buried next to her fair enough – book, concert ticket, etc valid? How do I avoid fucking up one way or the other since there’s probably some expectation of something.

This all depends entirely on the girl you’re dating. If she’s the type who takes valentine’s seriously, then guess what? You got a girl friend who cares about Valentine’s day and that means you’re on the clock. Be prepared to deal with a person who thinks it’s her fucking 21st birthday every february 14th.
Maybe she doesn’t care that much? Then you can kinda work it from there. Flowers? sure. A nice dinner? why not?
My advice would be to do what humans do and discuss it. Ask her about her expectations on valentine’s day (in a slightly smoother manner than being “So, yeah, what you expecting from me on Valentine’s day tho?”). But, at the very least, talking about it will help you get a read on what’s expected of you. Also know that , 9/10 times, if she says “Oh, I really don’t care bout valentine’s day”, she actually does , she just doesn’t wanna seem like one of those girls who does. So, plan something. Anything.

This Q is about DESIRE in an LTR. So, my bf and I have been together for over 3y and we plan on staying with one another (obviously nobody can predict the future…so you know, knock on wood!!!) We have lived together for about 1y.

I’ve never been in a relationship this long, but I have this weird preconceived notion that couples start to lose some of that passion after about 3years (dunno where I got that from). However, that hasn’t happened to us at all thus far…aside from the first few months (where we essentially couldn’t keep our hands off each other)…our sex life has been the same (if not better) than it was even a couple years ago. We have similar sex drives/levels of kinkiness, we keep on finding new ways to have better sex/orgasms together and our bodies just fit soooo well together.

My question: Do you think this “rut” in our sex life just hasn’t happened yet but will happen eventually and is there anything I can actively do to counteract it? Or is this a “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” kind of thing and I shouldn’t worry about it because this just means we are simply sexually compatible together? I kind of want to beat the odds if I can and not stop having hot in my relationship, but I’m realistic about it too. For instance, if we ever had a baby together I know it would be practically impossible to keep this up for a certain amount of time, but I’m not planning on doing that for a few years! So, what do you think?

3 years is nothing. I believe what you’re talking about is “the 7 year itch”, hen both the male and female start really yearning to fuck anyone but their mates.
As for you’re question, I don’t think there’s a right answer for this. You could very well be one of those couples that happen to have that locked in sexual chemistry that never fades (or , at least, fades very slowly). I will say this, MOST couples have waning sex lives as time goes on. It’s just natural. Let’s be honest, monogamy isn’t natural. We do it and it’s served us well but it’s not in our DNA. The majority of people I know in long term relationships are not having tons of sex. I’m talking about the 5 year plus people. And the ones with kids? Forget about it. That’s a whole other level that I can’t even wrap my brain around. Now, this isn’t everyone…I’m just saying, it’s more often than not. I know people who have been together for 10 years who can’t keep their hands of each other. But the majority of long term relationships (especially when you add in duel responsibilities , living together and kids) things tend to cool down. People get complacent. People give up on keeping themselves attractive for their significant other. People are simply too busy/tired to keep that end of the deal up. It’s real easy to fall in a rut. It’s funny cause , as long as I can remember, I’ve been seeing it portrayed as the horny guy who wants to bone his wife but she “has a headache” so he goes to bed with blue balls. But, from what I’ve seen, it’s just as common for a dude to be on some Al Bundy shit. It works both ways.
SO, if you got that fire burning, don’t question it. Maybe you’re one of the lucky ones. I dunno holler at me when you’re ten years in and lemme know how that’s going. But, I feel as though you over thinking it can’t be good for anything. Just ride the wave, gurlllll…

Answers for questions vol. 179

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Howdy. Shout out to Boise, ID. I played a show there for the first time this past weekend and you guys are more than just potatoes. Also, I’m playing in Asheville this upcoming sunday at the Asheville music hall. That’s right, a sunday show in Asheville! Be about it!
Anywaaaay,
Welcome to this weeks edition of “Answers for questions”. That thing where you ask shit and I answer it. If you’d like to be a part of the magic and feel like you have a unique question to ask (about ANYTHING) , throw it my way. Either email it to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave the question in the comment section below.
This weeks batch of questions is really good. Lots of variety and lots of info. Thanks to all those who contributed. Let’s do it.

entertainment can serve a great purpose. however, where does it cease to be entertainment and continues on as stupidity?

How’s that college philosophy class treating you?
Anyway, entertainment is what you make it. A stupid person is going to go about absorbing entertainment stupidly. Meanwhile, an intelligent person can watch the exact same shows the dumb ass watches and actually get something out of it.
I recently got put on to the instagram account of of this teenage girl from Ohio. She’s a tubby juggalo and her entire account is her taking selfies (many of them of her holding drugs) and her comparing her self to Beyonce even though she actually looks like Honey boo-boo’s mom (I forget the account name though…someone out there probably knows her from this description). Anyway she had like 25k followers. Half of them see her pics and are like “You go girl! Juggalos 4 lyfe!”. The other half are people who are amused by how insane this girl is who leave comments like “Lol!” and tag their friends in the comment section. Are the latter people stupid? Nope. Snobby hipsters, perhaps but not stupid.
So, my point is, entertainment is only as stupid as the person enjoying it. It really just depends on what side of the fence you’re on. Fortunately, stupid people don’t tend to think about shit like that so everyone feels good about themselves. AMERICA!

I saw a comment on Reddit talking about the people who used to be regulars in an AOL hiphop chatroom and was curious if you had any interesting stories or if it had much impact on your career?

(the original comment – http://www.reddit.com/r/hiphopheads/comments/1ypl7t/how_do_you_forsee_rappers_careers_ending/cfmoqt1)

“In the late 90’s I used to be a regular in the Arts & Entertaiment – Hip-Hop chatroom on AOL and a ton of underground legends used to frequent there. Sure at the time we laughed at them sometimes and told them they were wack or needed improvement or whatever but eventually they got good and proved people wrong.
You know who used to frequent that chatroom?
Blockhead
Sole (Anticon) – The infamous “Dear El-pee…” diss track STARTED in that chat room. Everyone in there got that shit emailed to them first after he was bitching about Def Jux not signing him. And if my memory serves me correctly he also met a few other members of Anticon in this chatroom as well and that’s how their group/label started.
Canibus – He used to keystyle battle people in that room. As corny as it sounds he was dead serious.
CrypicOne (Atoms Fam)
Yeshua
Despot
Lodeck
Cage
Sugarcuts
Selfsays”

How much do you feel internet hip-hop communities have helped you/other artists to get where you are?

Do you browse any internet hip-hop communities? (I think this has been asked before)

Oh man I was allllll up in message boards in the mid 90’s. Specifically, rec.music.hip.hop and Alt.rap. Those are two that I posted in daily and actually met a decent amount of people through. I didn’t frequent the chat rooms much but, the few times I did, I kicked it with some of the Atoms family dudes and i think Despot was there too.
As for funny stories, I was a total asshole on those message boards. A know it all, NYC hip hop head purist who would argue with anyone who disagree with me. Shocking, I know. I wouldn’t say I was a troll cause I actually meant what I wrote but I definitely was a willing participant in telling people they were wrong. That said, I was funny and some people agreed with me so it’s not like i was a hated character. I was just an extreme. I got into it with tons of people , including Sole and Pedestrian from Anticon. That said, Sole and I actually used to AIM sometimes so it wasn’t any major beef. Just two rap nerds arguing. The three of us got into a huge argument right before “Dear Elpee” came out. I forget what it was about and how it started but I recall Sole shitting on NYC hip hop and telling me anyone from his block could serve any new yorker (My recollection is EXTREMELY foggy of this so take this all with a grain of salt). That infuriated me and we got in this long back a forth about NYC Versus suburban rap. It was long winded and dumb and , in the end, I think we were both losers. Another funny thing I recall was Aim-ing with Sole before I had ever known what he looked like and I made a joke about “Hey, it’s cool you’re from Maine, it’s not like you’re a dude with a red headed pony tail” and he was like “actually, I am a guy with a red headed pony tail…” Then we proceeded to go back and forth for a while cause I thought he was fucking with me. When in finally saw a picture of him I almost died laughing. Awwwwkward!
I was on those boards for years and that’s where I started getting Aesop’s name out there. I actually sold his first cd’s directly of those message boards. Eventually , he got really popular and I started getting a little notoriety as well. Because of this notoriety, I found it harder for me to be a total asshole online cause talking shit about my peers (and those above me) was not a good look. So, i pretty much just stopped posting. It didn’t hurt that a new breed of posters had joined and they sucked so it made my departure a little easier.
As for current hip hop communities, the only one I fuck with is philaflava.com. I love that place. Though, I don’t really use it for hip hop. They have a bunch of different forums that cover various topics. Lots of funny posters and people who are up on new shit. That said, I’d advise against joining it if you’re at all sensitive or are someone who’s likely to feed into being trolled. Newcomers often have it rough over there.

I think it’s hilarious how artists who are on social media a lot these days (such as yourself) tend to get a lot of “when are you going to come back to this-and-this-city?” or “please please come play in so-and-so town!” from fans. As if the only thing stopping you from playing at a show is getting off of your couch and gracing them with your presence in whatever town/city they live in lolololol. What would you like to clear up for these people?

I would LOVE to clear this up cause it never fucking ends.
Here’s how getting shows work:
You get booked where there are offers. Meaning, if I get an decent offer to play in that city and the logistics work out, I go play that show. I don’t pick where I get to play. At best, i have the right to say “nah, I don’t wanna do that show” but that literally only happens when I either have prior obligations or it’s a travel issue. Most of the time, getting shows is in the hands of local promoters. If you live in, say, detroit and you’re wondering why I never play there, it is because no one ever asks me to. This could be due to lack of fan base there, no good market history in that area or simply none of the local promoters in that area are fans of mine and/or think I could make them money. No one’s trying to lose money here and it costs money to get me to play.
Another common thing people do is , when they see I’m playing at a city somewhat close to them, they ask “Hey, since you’re playing San fran, why don’t you come play in Arcata the day after?”. The thing with that is that shows need months of preparation. You can’t just do an impromptu show and actually get people there (and get paid, which is a crucial element of me ever leaving my house).
So, yeah if you’re one of those people on twitter or facebook who’s complained about me not coming to your city (or country), do something about it. Get promoters on it.
Here’s my booking agents info:
North america-Chris@autonomousmusic.org
europe-Lothar@dailyoperation-agency.com
Make it happen guys, cause all I can do is accept offers and show up.

If you had presidential power for a day (i.e: the power to change a facet of society), what would you change?
It can be as arbitrary as a “no socks and sandals“ law, or as controversial as foreign involvement.
Maybe a bit of both? Anyhoo what would you do President Block?

I’m so far removed from politics that this is a tough one to answer. On some real shit, I’d definitely try to move towards environmental issues cause I’ve been watching way too many things lately basically saying the world is gonna end in like 150 years cause of climate change and the rise in sea levels. Again, I’m very much not involved in causes or , really, anything…but if I had power beyond holding a picket sign and “liking” some link on facebook, I’d look into that pronto.
On some more petty shit, I’d definitely put in a “No open toed shoes for men in walking cities” law that would basically cause the country to explode. Also, I’d begin the war on pettiness. Similar to the war on terrorism, in that it’s impossible to win, I’d do it just to shine a light on how pathetic people who are petty really are. Presidential style. It would be worth it just for the state of the union speech alone.

What type of “ask dr. tony” advice would you hypothetically impart to Hannibal Burress’ fictional character on Broad City? Have you seen that kind of ‘fuck buddy zone, but in reverse’ type situation in your real life with friends?

Oh man, I legit feel bad for him on that show. He’s pretty much the most likable person ever. The advice I’d give him would be to keep riding it out. He does EVERYTHING right and , eventually, that’s either gonna flick a switch in the girl or she’ll end it. Unfortunately, I think that a dude in the fuck buddy zone with a girl like the one he’s dealing with, it kind of a lost cause but , if he really wants to be with her, he might as well just see it through. In the mean time, enjoy the no strings attached sex!
As for real life, no. I have never seen that. I’ve HEARD about it via girls who were talking about guys they’re fucking but I’ve never known a guy who was all hurt up cause his booty call wouldn’t be his girlfriend. I don’t doubt they exist but maybe they just keep that shit to themselves. As they should. Get a grip , dude.

The following question may make it seem like I’m super stoned, but that’s not true!
Okay – > Pretend that you have been flashforwarded into the future roughly 13 years from today. And shit in our world has become off the walls mad bananas… One quaint little example is that “the man” is now requiring all citizens to officially replace one letter in both their first and last legal names with a special character, for digitized identification purposes. (Kind of like how a number of logins have password parameters that require at least one special character nowadays). To illustrate further – you may have heard of a guy named “Ian Bavitz” – So, using his name, it could be a legal change along the lines of I@n Ba^itz or perhaps %an &avitz, for example. But what would you choose, given the following options??

– question mark (?)
– exclamation mark (!)
– ampersand (&)
– that pound key (#)
– an asterisk (*)
– percentage symbol (%)
– at symbol (@)
– that hat looking thing (^)
– underscore ( _ )
– the dollar sign ($)

(You need to pick 2…one for your first name and one for your last name)

So, you weren’t high when you wrote this? I believe you. Contrary to popular belief, some people are able to have random dumb thoughts completely sober. I know I’m capable of it.

I think I’d go with “T*ny $imon” cause it’s the least confusing AND who doesn’t want a dollar sign in their name. Ke$ha didn’t ruin it for everyone.

Oh, side note, if you’ve been reading this blog for a while you may be familiar with “sir Jarlsberg“. He’s the other half of Party Fun Action Committee and he’s insane. He’s playing a show in Brooklyn this wednesday and I can’t stress enough how awesome his live show is. If you live in the area, come down and check him out.
https://www.facebook.com/events/262929313880297/

Which hip hop Gimmick was the best?

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My iPod was on shuffle the other day and a song popped up I honestly didn’t even know I still owned. It was an early 90’s song about having an afro by a group called “Th Afros”. Hearing this song again for the first time in probably 15-20 years got me thinking about all the fantastic(ly bad) gimmicks people have run with over the years. So, I thought up ten of them. I’m surely missing some good ones so feel free to add them on in the comment section. Just don’t be a smug prick about it. I was curious what you guys would consider the “best” gimmick. To be clear, when I say “best” I mean the most ridiculous. Not to be confused with the gimmick that made the best music cause, you know, that’s boring. So, here are the gimmicks, a brief synopsis of them and an example. What do you think?

Gimmick #1: Afro’s

This group was affiliated with Russell Simmons, co-signed by all sorts of respected rappers and featured DJ Hurricane (The beastie boys dj for a while) as the high pitched mc. I honestly can’t even really wrap my head around what their angle was. Blaxploitation plays in there somehow. I’d venture to bet they saw Humpty Hump and that got the wheels turning but who really knows. What I do know it that this got released as a full length album on a major label and I own it on cassette.

Gimmick #2: Horrorcore

Gangster rap reached a point where it just wasn’t extreme enough. Sure, killing people in a song will be good forever but dudes in the early 90’s needed more. They needed to be full blown lunatics. The thing about this gimmick is that it actually had some legs and resulted in some good music. To this day, Gangsta nip’s South park Psycho is still a great album, in my mind. The early incarnations of this gimmick were strangely sincere. Not that the people who made the music were actually serial killers but they sprung up organically out of mostly small local scenes. Texas, the bay area and detroit all had popular horrorcore acts that, to this day still get bumped. But when did it jump the shark? The Flatlinerz. They
were like the musical equivalent of when the grandma says “For shizzle my nizzle!” in movie preview. Once they rapped from a grave, it was a wrap.

Gimmick #3:Being “Folksy”

This was perhaps a response to the dominance of gangster rap. Or maybe an unfortunate and misguided spin off of the Native tongue movement. It’s hard to really say. But when Arrested development dropped, I was ready to be a fan. Three videos later and one album later, it was clear they had figured out a way to manufacture that good old “down-home cooking”. The problem with this was that they were so unbelievably corny that it made their folksy-ness downright annoying. Fucking MR. Wendall…Surprisingly, This Gimmick didn’t take though. But I do like to think it opened doors to hippies in hip hop which, as fans, is fine but it led to so many terrible jam bands that feature rappers it’s actually more terrifying than the Flatlinerz.

Gimmick #4:Being white

It’s been an uphill battle for white rappers since day one. Before indie rap, nothing was more crucial for a white rapper than a strong co-sign from a non-white rapper. Authenticity was more important than the music itself. The Beastie’s did it. 3rd Bass made it. But then Vanilla Ice ruined it for everyone. After that debacle, lots of burgeoning white rappers were left with their pink dicks in their hands. What was a whig to do? Well, clearly, join a group called “The young Black Teenagers” with a bunch of other white dudes and get a few albums produced by Public enemy’s own Bomb Squad. When the YBT dropped I was 14/15 and pretty much loved any hip hop that wasn’t about dancing. Even the young , impressionable me heard them and was like “wait…what?”. No amount of pay offs to the source magazine could steer this ship right. Even though “Tap the bottle” was a minor hit, the gimmick of basking in their own whiteness, while claiming blackness is simply a state of mind, was dead from the start.

Gimmick #5: Whispering

This may be the creepiest of all the gimmicks. Whispering sex rhymes. I won’t front. The Ying Yang Twins song is hilarious. “Wait’ll you see my dick” will go down in hook history as one of the finest phrases ever spun by rapper with only half their teeth intact. But this was just never gonna take. Thing is, to have a hit, you’re gonna eventually have to perform it. You know what doesn’t work when you’re performing in from of fans who are making noise? Whispering. Unless they’re performing at a silent disco, I can’t see it working. And it didn’t. These two songs came out and that was that. Though, you could argue that the super talented brooklyn rapper Ka does his own version of whisper rap, I’d say he just speaks quietly to great effect.

Gimmick #6:Bi-lingual rappers

This is one that comes up often with people from europe who read this blog. I’ve made a clear “i don’t care about listening to rap in languages I don’t understand” stance. This isn’t to say that music is bad, it’s simply not for me cause, well, I want to understand what the fuck a rapper is talking about.
In the early 90’s, there was an attempt to bring the spanish language into mainstream hip hip. Thing is, these songs did incredibly well in the markets they were aimed at. I’m sure, in L.A., Kid frost is still a legend. But to those of us who failed Spanish 2 three times, we all pretty much gave up on this the second the english ended.

Gimmick #7:Tongue twisty, iggity biggity nonsense rap

Now, this is a gimmick I LOVED. It just got out of hand. It was in an era where MC’s were really doing anything to set themselves apart from other rappers.So, in reality, it was born from a good , creative place. Rapping fast was not yet as standard as it is now and , aside from big daddy kane and Jaz, no one really did it too much. So , a few groups came out rapping nursery rhymes at lightening speed or adding superfluous “iggity’s” at the end of words. Das Efx was really a game changer. Anyone fronting like they didn’t love that shit back then has no heart or is the Beatnuts. But, all that said, it was clearly a gimmick. One of the more absurd ones, when you think about it but , still, I give them all props for trying something different.

Gimmick #8: Akinyele’s lowering the voice thing


While the tongue twister rhyme style took off, Akinyele was like “Fuck that…I got my own thing!”. And he ran with it. From his first verse on wax, on “Live at the BBQ”, Ak set the stage. his gimmick? Simply lowering his voice at the last word of a rhyme. That was it. I’d imagine he thought it would take off. Or maybe he thought it would be his very own calling card. EIther way, it never did. That said, he made a great debut album despite of it so you can’t really be THAT mad at the guy.

Gimmick #9: Shaved headed , screaming, lunatics

Much like horrorcore, this was fully a reaction to the popularity of gangster rap. This, however, was NYC’s direct answer to it. I recall seeing thugs with shaved heads popping up all over in the early 90’s. It really raised the bar of terror for all of us who didn’t want our discman’s stolen while waiting on a train platform. Once considered just for skinheads, the hood embraced the bald head look (I’m thinking Michael Jordan plays into this somehow) with great results. Onyx popped on the scene and everyone was like “whoa..those are the hardest rappers ever”. Little did we know they were all 5’3” and used to be ravers, but still…it worked. After them, copy cat groups popped up everywhere , the most overt and offensive being “The Hoodratz”. But no one ever captured the glory of a bald screaming maniac quite like Onyx. On the bright side, these dudes can still tour eastern europe whenever they want and make tons of money. Tough guy gimmicks tend to have way more legs than, say, arrested development rapping in burning man pants.

Gimmick #10: Children rappers



Pushing kids into music has always been a thing. Sometimes, it’s created greats. Where would Michael Jackson have been if he hadn’t been brutally forced to become a pop star by his tyrannical father? In rap, there was always that desire to find the prodigy. The Lebron James of rap that could hang with the big boys. So, they’d find some high pitch voiced child who could keep a flow going, white some rhyme for him and throw him on a beat. This resulted in a lot of rappers who “had potential”. The problem was that, anytime you marketed the kids age, it was a wrap. He would forever be that kid. Kinda like most child actors. Meanwhile, kid rappers had existed under the radar for years. Ll Cool J was 15 when he started. Mobb Deep were kids. L-swift was a respected underground rapper by the time he was 16. All these guys succeeded (Well, not L-swift but he was dope) cause they rapped well DESPITE their age. These other dudes? They were all guys who probably could have become respected rappers later on but got caught up in that child rapper bullshit. Oh well…

So, which Gimmick was “the best”?

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 33

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Hey guys. It’s time once again for another edition of “Fuck/marry/kill”. Depending how seriously you take jokes, this will either offend you deeply or you won’t even blink. To those in former group, as always, I assure you this is all for jokes. I don’t want to marry or kill any of these people/things and I also realize that, in reality, they’d all gladly kill me in this game…and I’m okay with that. This is all for fun so don’t let your inner college activist get the best of you. It’s not that serious. EVER.
I’m sure you all know how the game is played and , if not, it’s not hard to figure out. Let’s get into it.

F/M/K (cornball edition):Alicia Keys, Miley Cyrus, Adrienne Bailon

Marry: Adrienne Bailon
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Yes, she dated Rob Kardashian. Yes, she’s probably the type of girl who probably only communicates in emojis. I know this. However, of the three choices, she’s easily the choice for wifey. First off, corniness aside, she’s fairly hot. She got a nice body and, unlike the other two, she doesn’t seem totally insufferable. With great shame, I can admit that I’ve watched “Keeping up with the kardashians” and she was on it and fair amount. You know what? she wasn’t THAT bad. Compared to anyone in the Kardshian family, she was downright lovely. So, basing this entirely on that and her physical appearance, she get’s the ring.

Fuck:Miley Cyrus
miley-cyrus-pays-another-visit-to-terry-richardsons-studio-3
When you’re done rolling your eyes and reevaluating every good thing you’ve ever thought about me, let me explain.
She’s the worst. This has been established. But , here’s the thing, it’s all an act. Before anything, she’s a shrewd business woman who understands how things work. Every move she makes is strategic. From sticking her dumb tongue out to promoting her own drug use. She knows exactly what she’s doing and plays it up on cartoonish levels. I’m willing to bet that, in a one on one situation, she wouldn’t be THAT bad. “But, Tony, Why would you fuck her then?” Cause she’s Miley Cyrus, bro. Yeah, she’s skinny and has no ass and there’s a good chance she’s got various STD’s but You know what? I kinda think her face is okay. She falls somewhere between Bridgette Neilson , River Pheonix and a cartoon chipmunk. On top of that, I’m curious of what she might actually be like in bed , as opposed to the way she portrays herself (which is basically the sexual identity of a 14 year old girl acting out). Let’s be real here though. The true win here would be able to say that I fucked Miley Cyrus and tell people the story about it. That alone would be worth it.

Kill: Alecia Keys
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In a world full of corn balls, Keys is queen. She’s got that neo-soul head-wrap corny swag. She’s also got that “I fake a hood accent even though I was raised by my white mom in midtown manhattan and went to an art/music school for classical piano” swag as well. She just has the air of someone who is EXTREMELY self involved under the guise of being the oracle. And that’s just the tip of the corn husk. The thing is, Keys is both very pretty and insanely talented. But, you know what? Talent and looks has never stopped anyone from being the worst. Her corniness transcends it all.She comes on tv, I find myself blushing out of shame of what I’m seeing go down. I know girls like her now. I knew girls like her growing up. They are such a specific breed I can spot them from a mile away. They’re “friendly” in that fake “love is love” kinda way but, really, they’re just as evil as anyone else in the business. Hypothetically Killing Keys would be my pleasure. As an added bonus, it would make Swizz beats sad and that’s always nice.

F/M/K: citibike, rollerblades, segway

Fuck: Segway
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I’d like to clarify that I don’t do “wheels” in general. I never have. So these three things are all things I don’t really have a strong opinion on. These three choices are based entirely of perception.
Why would i fuck a segway? Well, it looks like fun. Segways seem like a good time girl that would be great for a fling but eventually grow tiresome. I’d gladly hop on one and take it for a spin but, trust, when that ride was over, you could have it back. Here, take these tissues. Clean her off. Thanks for the ride, lady. And know, when i tell my friends of our time together, I will speak of you with great respect and honor.

Marry:Citibike
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It just makes sense to marry the bike. Sure a Segway would be more fun but Bikes go faster and don’t require power. They can take you places with speed and are good exercise. Citibikes are kinda heavy but, after a while, I’m sure I’d get used to it and learn to love them. Also, they’re everywhere!

Kill: Rollerblades
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Do people still Rollerblade? I’m speaking of real life adults. Even when rollerblading was at it’s peak of popularity it was still kind of a joke. They’re fucking futuristic roller skates. The type of shit they would have in a movie in the 70’s about the year 2050. Sure, they’re probably very convenient and anyone who’s seen a person on rollerblades skate backwards can attest, those guys are fucking awesome. Just kidding. That’s not awesome at all. Clearly, Roller blades gonna catch that L in this round.

F/M/K: marge Simpson Louis griffin and she-ra

Marry:Louis Griffin
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Honestly, I think Family guy is totally mediocre but I’ve seen enough of it to know that Louis is a sexy freak. She’s actually pretty hot (by cartoon standards) and , though her voice is incredibly shrill, she’s a generally sane person who is perfectly suited to be a wife. Definitely more suited for it than I am to be anyone’s husband.
side note, you’d be shocked at the amount of louis and marge based porn there is out there. Nerd’s really need to learn to channel their sexual energy in a better way. Instead of jerking off to a fake ginger Debbie Mazar, perhaps just do what the rest of us do and search for the closest human version you can find on youjizz.com

Fuck:She-ra
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She is so out my league in so many ways, it’s pretty intimidating. i mean, she’s fucking She-ra. She’s probably got some magic powers, she’s strong as fuck and she’s used to boning bodybuilder type dudes who kill dragons. That’s a lot to measure up to. But, I’m not one of those guys who frets over that type of thing too much and there’s no way I’d pass up the opportunity to be eskimo brothers with He-man.
Also, she’s got one of those bodies that’s so unreal it makes little girls sad , feminists mad and loser ass grown men have unrealistic standards. Just once I’d like to see what that’s like. Even if it is with a cartoon.

Kill: Marge Simpson
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Marge got an ass. There’s no denying it. But she’s also got a blue beehive hairdo and voice like a gravel pit. I like marge a lot. She’s obviously very similar to Louis Griffin in many ways. After all, the Simpsons is clearly the blueprint for the Family Guy. But, i dunno…I always thought that face was kinda rough and when she got all sexy, the voice was a huge turn off. I don’t wanna kill marge. She’s a staple of my childhood. But, tough break…She lived a full life. It’s okay.

F/m/k: Turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes.

Kill: Stuffing
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Stuffing is good but let’s be honest…no ones eating that shit any day but thanksgiving. It’s basically salty wet bread with some spices thrown in. Nothing wrong with that but nothing too great either. If stuffing were really bout that life, if would be available as a side order in most decent restaurants. But clearly, it ain’t bout that life. So i gotta kill it.

Fuck: Mashed Potatoes
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I love mashed Potatoes but the idea of eating them every day is daunting. They’re a once in a while treat. I’m always happy to see them but it’s definitely something i eat knowing I probably shouldn’t be stuffing into my face. It’s a sad truth of aging that you have to gauge food like that but, hey, that’s life. I’m not 20 anymore and I can’t eat buttery whipped potatoes 27 times a week. I can, however, take a heaping pile of it, fill the hole in top with brown gravy and plunge my love deep inside it for one amazing night of ecstasy. I might even go in for seconds, if she’d have me.

Marry: Turkey
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This was tough cause, to be honest, I don’t love turkey. It’s good but it’s also pretty boring. This is more a case of making the sensible choice. Turkey is a solid protein and one of those types of meat , much like chicken, that you can dress up to taste different. Throw some cheese and mayo on it and we got a decent sandwich. You can fry it. You can even make soup stock out of it. So, whole it wouldn’t be a fiery romance, it would be fine. Still, I’d probably be fantasizing about that night I had with Mashed potatoes every time i ate a meal.