What will I give up for Lent? Hahahaha….nothing, bro.

Apparently, Lent began yesterday. To Catholics all over the world, this means it’s time to pick a vice and put it on hold for 40 days. At least that’s my understanding of it. If you’re catholic and I’m wrong, feel free to not correct me though cause, really, I don’t give a shit what you do for the next 40 days. That said, I support your desire to cleanse your sins. Go for the gold!
Clearly I’m not catholic so, to me, Lent means casually hearing what people I vaguely know are gonna stop doing for 40 days and 40 nights. To an outsider, it sounds a lot like New year resolutions but with an added bonus of god’s judgement. Some people are realistic and decide “I’m gonna give up fried foods for a month”. Others probably see it as a time to really turn their life around and vow things like “I’m gonna stop murdering vagrants for a month!”. In both cases, it’s an uphill battle. I was out to dinner with my Girl and Pollyne (My Rogglecast partner) and they were talking about trying to do the Lent thing. Even though neither of them are remotely catholic, it’s a good excuse to impose some sort of restrictions on yourself. My girls choice? Diet Coke. This might not sound like much but, trust me, it’s a big deal. She’s an addict. I support this wholeheartedly cause ,well, Diet coke is fucking gross and I’m pretty sure she needs rehab for it. Pollyne opted for the “no drinking” angle but , I dunno…She had had a few drinks and I think it was the sake talking.
Hearing those two throw ideas back and forth got me thinking about what I could do for Lent. What vice could I give up? Thing is, I’m not a person who has many obvious vices on the surface. I don’t smoke, do drugs and I drink on occasion. But, clearly, those things are the most obvious. When I thought about it, I have tons of vices. Little tiny ones but things that undoubtedly rule my life. So, here’s a list of them and my “reasoning” for not quitting them for Lent (Other than it being a catholic tradition that has nothing to do with me or how I live my life).

1)The internet
The internet is my Diet Coke. I’m on it all the time in some form and I need it. Beyond just social networking and fantasy basketball, I write this blog. Not that it is important to anyone but me but, hey, if I skipped a month I might as well just stop all together. While it could be argued I could use a little time to “refuel” I’m simply not that kind of person. I either do something or I don’t. Also, as a musician who needs to promote myself, I can’t really afford to take a month off. Sure, there are some off-the-grid famous people who somehow maintain notoriety simply by being themselves but I’m not one of them. I’m already a niche within a niche. I need all the exposure I can get. I gotta eat, bro.

Now , this is one I probably could pull off. Probably. But, it’s one of the situations where I’m like “And I do this for what?”. Certainly not for you, Lent! You don’t evne know me, bro. I’m not one of those creeps who sit around watching porn all day. Or one of those even creepier creeps who just have it on in the background while they go about their daily business around the house. In fact, the second I’m “done” with it, I can’t “Command/Q” quick enough. While I do “need” porn in the sense that my imagination is shot, I’m also not 14 years old firing off nuts 8 times a day. As you get older, jerking off becomes part maintenance and part luxury. Porn just keeps those moments rolling smoothly. No need to make that more difficult on myself. Sorry, Lent, but you’re always gonna lose this battle.

Although this would make my girl the happiest person on earth, I’m afraid I’d explode if I couldn’t fart so, sorry!

4)Being a slob
This is a constant work in progress but, the thing is, I’m an organized slob. I have my little slobby patches around the house where I keep my contained mess but it’s not like I ever lose things. The things I’m most slovenly about are leaving water bottles with like two sips left on the table , not picking up my sneakers from the floor, leaving beard trimmings on the sink and leaving tiny piles of crumbs everywhere I just ate. In that sense, I’m very much like living with a pet gerbil. So, why not spend 40 days not being a slob? I have no reason not to except that I’m realistic. I know me. And the reason I’m a slob in these ways is cause I literally don’t think about it. I don’t leave those bottles there cause I’m trying to be a mess or feeling too lazy to carry it 10 feet to a trash can, I leave them there cause I literally notice them and don’t think about them. So, while this would be a prime and realistic choice for Lent, I know myself well enough to accept that I’d fail. The best I can do with this one is forgo the “Lent” excuse and just try to give more of a shit. I really do…but I don’t. Work in progress.

5)Not calling people on the phone
This is weird one. I hate talking on the phone. When texting became a thing, I was delighted. Thing is, I got tons of old friends who I don’t get to see all the time who I’d like to stay in touch with. But, it’s like there’s a block in my hands that doesn’t allow me to make those calls. If I could put a month aside and make like, a call a day to a friend I haven’t spoken with in a while, that would be something else. The reason I don’t? Honestly, it’s selfish but I’m not trying to spend an hour on the phone a day. That and, I’d imagine, half of them feel the same way as I do. True old friends are cool with that “See you when I see you” life. Only dipshits keep tabs on their friends into adulthood. That said, it’s always nice to hear from an old friend, just call me, guys. I’m probably just sitting on my couch playing Candy Crush. Which brings me to…

6)Playing NBA2k, candy crush and words with friends
Who are you,my mom? Why would you want to take these little joys away from me, Lent? They’re not hurting anyone! Sure, my girl wants to murder the man who invented Candy Crush and the 20 games with Words with friends I have going at all times is a bit of a distraction but…whatever. We need distractions. Some people read books. Some people watch TMZ, and I play pointless games. Also, I’m on level 500 on Candy Crush (yes, I’m bragging about that) and, you assume once I beat it, you get a prize, right? Gotta see what that is.

7)Watching TV
Now you’re getting crazy. You think I’m gonna miss the final episode of True Detective for a religious event that I don’t even subscribe to. Go fuck yourself, Lent. At best, I can try and not watch BAD tv. That’s doable. But, then again, what is bad and what is good? Is “Gigolo’s” bad or is it so bad it’s actually great? A show like “The Walking Dead” is actually pretty bad but considered good. Can I watch that? A show is really what you make it. So, while I could easily not watch “Keeping up with the kardashians” for a month, I dunno if I wanna put other shows I actually like under the same scrutiny.The concept of not watching “bad” TV for Lent is far too deep into a grey area to ever pull off successfully. So, fuck all that noise. Besides, The Real World #29 is really heating up. You wouldn’t understand, Lent.

I’ve given this a lot of thought (well, the 25 minutes it took me to write this) and
I’ve come up with a perfect solution for Lent. I’ve decided I’m simply gonna give up Josh Hartnett movies for 40 days and 40 nights. I really think I can pull it off. Seems fitting, right?

Thanks Lent!

10 thoughts on “What will I give up for Lent? Hahahaha….nothing, bro.

  1. Omg i know your Diet Coke pain, my mom is an addict too. Also your slobbiness reminds me of my boyfriend – that shit drives me crazy

  2. You could challenge yourself to avoid saying “Rosie Perez type girls” for the entirety of Lent. I could be imagining things, but I feel like you have mentioned that in almost every rogglecast. Hehe

      • Haha, joking about the lent. Was just trying to pump the rogglecast to the millions of people who obviously read these comments. But seriously, you guys should listen to it THEY ARE HILARIOUS

  3. I just wrote a 3000 word real talk diatribe about this post and erased it because it was too mean, but it should suffice to say that your diminutization of your Internet use is, and I think you’ll agree I’m being very kind here, fucking delusional.

    Also I have two words for you.

    Love you though! Warts and all.
    Anna Chlumsky

  4. The slob thing got me. I totally get it. Some people who’ve lived with me who I swear just thought I was retarded for not cleaning some shit up. I’m not like a gross slob, but I just see mess and literally don’t care until it gets a bit absurd. Like when there gets to be 40 empties (probably not that many actually, they block my monitors eventually) or leaving many, many clothes on my floor for WAY too long.

    My favourite slob story was from Louis C.K. – when he was younger he lived in this shitty nothing of an apartment and the second day or so he was there he broke a bottle of Worcestershire sauce on the floor and never cleaned it up. He lived there for two years. Classy.

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