Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 34


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Hey there. Time for another edition of “Ask Dr. Tony”. Where I give advice to people who clearly need it cause , well, they’re asking a niche hip hop producer to help them. That said, I think I am a level headed guy who won’t pull punches when it comes to your life’s problems. I should add that I’m not a doctor or qualified to give anyone anything so, you know, if I’m wrong, my bad!
Still, let me try and help you. Send me questions you need an answer to. Could be about your love life, your personal life or maybe just something you feel like you need an outside opinion on. Anything in that realm. Send all questions to me: phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below.
This week starts with a bang…This poor, poor, lonely dude…

So here ya go: I’m in my second year of college (20 years old) and recently moved back home with my parents after losing a scholarship from an out of state school (can’t afford that shit now). So I’m living at home and commuting to school in the city for a year where I have a decent internship and it seems to all be working out.
Next year I’m moving in with friends and transferring to the main campus where I know more people.

Last year I lived in the dorms where it was easy to meet tons of people, and i actually had a lot of good friends and connections. But now, I have a hard time meeting new girls strictly through class/on campus. As a math major, there are essentially zero attractive girls in my classes. Even when I do start talking to someone I’m interested in, I feel like its wack to bring them back to my parents house and try to get some action there. I live about a 30 minute drive from campus so that might play somewhat of a role in this. I feel like when i have my own place and live near a community driven campus where i actually know people, i will be able to meet girls just fine, but until then im kinda in a predicament.

Here’s the thing, ive been seeing my ex “high school sweetheart” for a few months now. Things with the girl are actually fine, we have great sex and generally get along, but she cheated on me in high school and im embarrassed to hang out with her in public. I often beat myself up even hanging out with her alone, thinking “shit man, she is absolutely not worth putting any time into”. I guess i feel weak/powerless when im with her after she cheated on me even though it was years ago. Oh and another thing, this girl has basically ZERO friends All of her friends stopped hanging with her from high school, her roommates hate her and she pretty much only hangs out with two different guys, only ever drinking with one of them and the other is her “best friend” who she slept with about a year ago. Shes definitely dramatic and attention seeking, but i do believe we’ve been exclusive since we started dating again. Still, there’s definitely some red flags. Theres a good chance we are only together cuz we’re lonely, but i genuinely get along great with this girl and we do care about each other. As much as I care about her, I could leave her instantly and not look back. Unfortunately, since I dated and loved her back in the day, its one of those things where im not cool with being cordial, no-strings-attached friends with benefits.

So am i just being a pussy for still being hurt over getting cheated on back in the day? Should i keep seeing her cuz we get along great and fuck a lot? Should I break things off completely now to avoid getting more invested, or should i keep her around until I move out? How can i meet,hang out, and hook up with girls while living with my parents and being under 21? Any opinions on this would be great… HELP ME OUT BLOCK.

Jesus dude, you’re all over the place. I need to sort through this one. and tackle each things one by one.
1)You live at home but drive 30 minutes to school. BUT you have friends on campus.
Two things pop up here: You’re 20. What person is really gonna judge you for still living at home? especially other college aged girls. College aged girls put up with more bummy ass dudes than anyone. Most of them won’t see a bed bigger than a twin at a dudes house until they’re 23. Let a one one with a box spring. I get that bringing girls to your parents house might not be the move but have you considered maybe just going to their place? which brings me to, if you do indeed have friends and connections on campus, go hang out and crash at their dorms or something. Surely that’s no that big a deal. People do that all the time and, worst case scenario, just sleep in the common area (dorms still have those, right?). That’s what I used to do and it worked fine. To me , it sounds like you’re making excuses. The guy I knew who got the most girls in high school was also a guy who never let anyone into his house. He simply found a way.

2)You’re girl is a red flag monster.
She has no female friends? That’s a terrible sign. That typically means that she’s a piece of shit that every girl she’s been friends with has removed from their lives. Why? Well from the sounds of if she seems pretty deceptive. She cheats on dudes and I’m sure she’s no stranger to using her female friends in similar ways. You said she only hangs with three dudes. You, a guy she drinks with (she’s probably fucking him, btw) and a “friend” who she boned once who is her “best friend”. I dunno if she’s fucking both of them but I guarantee , if she isn’t, they’re both hanging around just in case they can make that happen.

3)You said you could leave her at the drop of a hat if needed…that’s typically a bad sign. I think it’s clear you’re both still hooking up with each other out of loneliness. She’s a monster who can’t keep friends without involving her sexuality and you’re feeling like a dude stranded on an island even though you have a car (i assume) and can leave whenever you want.

My advice would be to cut her off. She just seems like bad news at this point in her life. However, I doubt you’re gonna do that until you see a light at the end of the tunnel so , at the very least, don’t invest ANYTHING into this. The same way you can drop her, don’t think she won’t do the same thing the second a decent opportunity comes along. Trust me, she’s as bored and lonely as you are. If you must, keep seeing her but have an exit plan ready at all times cause the two of you together sound like a disaster.

From reading past posts of yours it appears that you know many people of all different lifestyles so I was wondering if you knew any females who were or are Sugar Babys? What is your opinion on Sugar babys?

It’s been a while since I’ve heard that term but those are basically younger girls who find wealthy old men to pay for them but “kinda” dating them. They often don’t even fuck them ever.
Fortunately, I don’t think I know anyone who does this kinda thing. I’ve met a few here and there but no one that straight up seeks it out. Money grubbing hoes is one thing but being a sugar baby is a much more focused step.
What do I think of them? I think they’re awful people. Obviously. Anyone who’s existence depends entirely on cheating others out of what they have earned via fake companionship is clearly a terrible person. That said, they’re no better than the dudes who go for that shit. I wrote something about it years ago…Haven’t read it in a while but maybe it will still apply:
https://phatfriend.com/2011/05/10/sugar-daddies-and-babies/

How serious should one take Valentine’s Day when the relationship is brand new (less than a month) yet fairly serious for the time frame? After a few months then the romantic flowers and chocolates can come out, but it seems like its a little too early for that. I cant see buying a dozen roses for a girl when we haven’t said the I love yous yet. Is breaking tradition completely and still getting a gift that doesn’t imply the desire to be buried next to her fair enough – book, concert ticket, etc valid? How do I avoid fucking up one way or the other since there’s probably some expectation of something.

This all depends entirely on the girl you’re dating. If she’s the type who takes valentine’s seriously, then guess what? You got a girl friend who cares about Valentine’s day and that means you’re on the clock. Be prepared to deal with a person who thinks it’s her fucking 21st birthday every february 14th.
Maybe she doesn’t care that much? Then you can kinda work it from there. Flowers? sure. A nice dinner? why not?
My advice would be to do what humans do and discuss it. Ask her about her expectations on valentine’s day (in a slightly smoother manner than being “So, yeah, what you expecting from me on Valentine’s day tho?”). But, at the very least, talking about it will help you get a read on what’s expected of you. Also know that , 9/10 times, if she says “Oh, I really don’t care bout valentine’s day”, she actually does , she just doesn’t wanna seem like one of those girls who does. So, plan something. Anything.

This Q is about DESIRE in an LTR. So, my bf and I have been together for over 3y and we plan on staying with one another (obviously nobody can predict the future…so you know, knock on wood!!!) We have lived together for about 1y.

I’ve never been in a relationship this long, but I have this weird preconceived notion that couples start to lose some of that passion after about 3years (dunno where I got that from). However, that hasn’t happened to us at all thus far…aside from the first few months (where we essentially couldn’t keep our hands off each other)…our sex life has been the same (if not better) than it was even a couple years ago. We have similar sex drives/levels of kinkiness, we keep on finding new ways to have better sex/orgasms together and our bodies just fit soooo well together.

My question: Do you think this “rut” in our sex life just hasn’t happened yet but will happen eventually and is there anything I can actively do to counteract it? Or is this a “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” kind of thing and I shouldn’t worry about it because this just means we are simply sexually compatible together? I kind of want to beat the odds if I can and not stop having hot in my relationship, but I’m realistic about it too. For instance, if we ever had a baby together I know it would be practically impossible to keep this up for a certain amount of time, but I’m not planning on doing that for a few years! So, what do you think?

3 years is nothing. I believe what you’re talking about is “the 7 year itch”, hen both the male and female start really yearning to fuck anyone but their mates.
As for you’re question, I don’t think there’s a right answer for this. You could very well be one of those couples that happen to have that locked in sexual chemistry that never fades (or , at least, fades very slowly). I will say this, MOST couples have waning sex lives as time goes on. It’s just natural. Let’s be honest, monogamy isn’t natural. We do it and it’s served us well but it’s not in our DNA. The majority of people I know in long term relationships are not having tons of sex. I’m talking about the 5 year plus people. And the ones with kids? Forget about it. That’s a whole other level that I can’t even wrap my brain around. Now, this isn’t everyone…I’m just saying, it’s more often than not. I know people who have been together for 10 years who can’t keep their hands of each other. But the majority of long term relationships (especially when you add in duel responsibilities , living together and kids) things tend to cool down. People get complacent. People give up on keeping themselves attractive for their significant other. People are simply too busy/tired to keep that end of the deal up. It’s real easy to fall in a rut. It’s funny cause , as long as I can remember, I’ve been seeing it portrayed as the horny guy who wants to bone his wife but she “has a headache” so he goes to bed with blue balls. But, from what I’ve seen, it’s just as common for a dude to be on some Al Bundy shit. It works both ways.
SO, if you got that fire burning, don’t question it. Maybe you’re one of the lucky ones. I dunno holler at me when you’re ten years in and lemme know how that’s going. But, I feel as though you over thinking it can’t be good for anything. Just ride the wave, gurlllll…

6 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 34

  1. I wrote the last question. Thanks for you answer! I will really try to stop overthinking it too much, because when I do that, I tend to self-fulfill my own prophecy of course. I like how you weren’t dwelling on the “don’t ever ever let yourself go, woman!” kind of thing, because obviously people should the best they can, realistically…to try to look attractive to their partner…but everyone ends up aging eventually, so I think it’s more than that! Just as you said.

  2. So Tony this question might be a little bit out of sorts for you and involves a pretty good amount of drama, since I basically only read your post when I’m taking a shit ( and I don’t mean that in a bad way it’s the best and only defication reading material I enjoy) it’s that since seeing all these people with giant paragraphs on basically miniscule stuff I thought I would throw my hat into the ring. So I had a gf for about 3 years we broke up almost a year ago but the twist is it ended with me going to jail, which sounds terrible I know but I think we all can agree ladies are crazy, so to but a veryyyyy long story short we had put issuse basically arguing alot, it got to the point where 2 days would not go by without an argument, she was pretty abusive, as in would slap me, scratch me, punch me almost everytime these arguments took place, which were basically about petty nonsense, we started dating when I was 17-18 and she was 16 and the relationship continued till she was 18 and I was 20, her mom was a single mom and when I was 17 I had a pretty good job and was making alot of money but her mom was struggling so I moved in with them due to the fact I have been on my own and was renting a room at the time, so we lived together for like 1 year or so until she graduated hs, during this time when I was supporting her and her mom she cheated on me, I found out about it and moved out, but we still continued talking, I knew that she had previously indulged in drugs such as ecstacy and rumoured to have smoked meth but since we were extremly close i honestly thought she quit and everything was good but once she cheated it became apparent that she was still using, nevertheless me being a pussy whip dumbass I took her back, ended up kicking the guys ass and ” won” her back the cliche 18 yr old bravado nonsense, well this was a massive mistake, after she graduated we wanted to move so I had some connections in riverside and could get a pretty good job there and riverside community was a good place for her to study to become a nurse, so things cleared up and I thought we could forget the past and move on with the nonsense due to the fact that we were both young and dumb. So I threw down about 1235 on this apartment a month including pet rent ( because of course at this point in out relationship we owned a dog together haha) but yeah she ( as in her grandpa) paid about half of the rent and I paid the rest and utilitys, now at this point she is 18 and I’m 20, things are good for about 4 months than I start to notice some shizz going down, her losing alottttt of weight, erract behavior, me basically doing all her homework cause she sleeps all day and misses classes, now call me a dumbass all u want this chick was smooth, she played it off as if it was my fault for these actions, the fights escalted, she became more violent and u felt stuck, I mean fuck I basically put my whole lifes effort into this crazy girl ( which wasn’t much I mean fuck I was 20) so one night she comes home obviously spun out of her mind and wants to break up, and I am actually all for it at that point but than she says I should leave and she is keeping our dog which is actually my dog, and she said she already called my dad to come get me and told her mom that I was on drugs and abusing her which is basically the opposite of what’s happening haha so her mom comes over I actually ended up going into the room and searching for her meth pipe and Find It! But she has her mom so wrapped around her finger she convinces her it’s mine haha so I am soooo livid at this point I just leave the apartment, I go to a buddys tell him wats up and of course they have been telling me to ditch the broad for like a year, so I go back the next morning to pick up my stuff and finally just seperate myself from the madness. Once I get there she won’t let me in to my own place, finally she let’s me in and as I’m packing my shit she says she is sorry and wants to be with me, like really? After the whole fiasco the previous day? So I am just fed up wit it, she is in front of the door and won’t move she is yelling and scraching at me so this is where things get nuts, I tell her to move she obviously is strung out of her mind , so I push past her, not violently whatsover( I have 4 sisters I would never do that shit) but she throws her self on the floor and starts yelling I hit her, well to sum up the story I leave and she calls the cops, but my neighbors know that she acts up and has made shit up before, but nevertheless they come and arrest me. For nothing!!! I had legitement wounds on me from her scraches, she has nothing on her except a pipe in her car and room hahaha so they take me in and I think I’m not gonna do any jail time for this due to the fact they have no physically inclicted injury evidence, and I have alottttt but low and behold due to the fuckedddd justice system and the fact I can’t afford a legit lawyer the give me 6 months in county jail and 3 years probation. Which really fuked me life up, I was almost graduated from college and was gonna be a substitute teacher till u got my degree and had a awesome fulltime job but lost it all due to this crazy drug addicted chick who is on to using the next guy she can find, I got put in october and moved back in wit my dad and things have been ok, I mean it definitly helped out my music and writing so maybe it was all for a reason but my question is and I honestly don’t know if u can answer it due to the fact this is so circumstantial but how do I move on and deal with new shit, cause I’m only 21 and have alot of shit to give to the world and don’t wnna be stiffled by this shit but it’s hard when I have a felony on my record, and to be able to talk to new girls without the stigma that they are pieces of shit hahha? But yeah dealing with those trust issues hardcore so any thoughts?

  3. Thanks for the solid advice block, I’m that “poor, poor lonely dude” with the rambling and obnoxiously long first question. About a week after I sent in the question I figured I should probably just bounce, and did. Anyways, got two questions for answers for questions:

    1. Where do you see social media going in the future? 5 years? 10? 20? Obviously the internet is going to keep people connected for the foreseeable future, but Facebook is starting to become somewhat of a dying trend. What do you think of their purchase of the “Occulus Rift” virtual reality company?

    2. If you had to keep an exotic African animal that is larger than a full grown German Shepard as a pet, which one would it be?

  4. I like reading your thoughts on the whole “sugar daddy” scenarios and I went back and read your older article. I’d like to elaborate on the topic with a couple other questions?

    1. What if there is sex involved in the dynamic?

    2. At what age difference do things start to cross that creepy factor? Obviously, many men are at least somewhat older than their respective partners.

    3. Not necessarily sugar babies, but gold diggers in general, can you always blame them? I mean yeah, it’s shitty, I couldn’t do it (even tried once and it felt so wrong) but for some women, it could be the best thing that ever happens to them. In instances where the woman comes from a shitty background with not many future prospects and then some guy comes around and gives her security….while sorta fucked up, I don’t think those women are the worst in the world.

    4. Do you think or would you peg a woman as a gold digger simply because her significant other is rich and buys her gifts? I think there’s some gray area here because I’m gonna assume some of these people might actually love eachother.

  5. Hey, Dr. Tony! I’m wondering:

    What are your thoughts on getting back with exes? I’ve been considering getting back with an ex, lately, but, I have quite a bit of trepidation.

    This girl broke my heart something vicious, and it took a long time to get over her, so fear of that happening again still kind of lingers in my mind. But, more importantly, there’s a part of me that feels like I’m selling myself short.

    Thing is, we have an undeniable chemistry, one that I haven’t fell before or since her. And, even though we dated in our early 20s, that connection is still there.

    I dunno, maybe if I wasn’t 30, I wouldn’t even be considering it, but, I can’t decide if getting back with her is a good decision or just a delusion

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