Defending my tweets vol. 6

It’s time once again for me to defend my tweets. I’m not a controversial dude but the internet is a place of false outrage, thin skin and over reaction. Because of this, i sometimes feel the need to explain that thing I wrote in 140 characters or less. These aren’t all offensive but , at times, things need to be expanded upon. So, with all due respect to Anthony Jesilnik’s idea (i totally stole this from him), allow me to defend my tweets.

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Whenever I see a person wearing a shirt that has a current meme phrase on it, a little part of me dies inside. Not cause it effects me in anyway but more so cause it’s telling of our society. We are so very mediocre. I feel like there was a time when more people were great and more people were complete bottom feeders. We were dealing with more extremes. I don’t know when the switch over happened and the human race became so middling, but someone wearing a t-shirt that says some shit like “If that was your man, he wasn’t last night” is pretty much the four horseman or creativity galloping in. I’m not talking about children wearing this kinda stuff. Not even teenagers. Shit, I had some incredibly awful T-shirts back in the day. I’m talking about fully realized adults. People with jobs and lives. They should know better. Then again, maybe they’re being ironic? That’s another problem. Everyone is so fucking meta it’s hard to tell where someone begins and ends. What I’m saying is can’t we all just wear batman shirts again?
On a different note, do you think the guy wearing a “Come at me, bro” shirt is constantly fighting off people who see the shirt and take it as an invitation? They literally come at him, bro? or better yet…imagine if other dudes just walked up to him and ejaculated all over him. They came at him, bro. No court would convict a person for that in this situation.

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Men stink. We’re stinky. However, it’s our duty to try and cover that up. I know a few dudes who bask in their scent and just let it rip. Some of them actually do really well with the ladies. While they might attribute this to pheromones , I more think it’s that some girls will put up with anything. Girls, on their other hand, don’t typically have that B.O. smell. I mean, sure, you guys can have your scents, but homeless guy armpit is not typically one of them. So, when I happen upon a girl who’s body odor is noticeably all up in the atmosphere from a few steps away, the first thing that pops in my mind is: I bet she uses one of those “All natural” deodorants or that “crystal” deodorant that does absolutely nothing. The second thing that pops in my head is that: If she’s not on top of her arm pit game, imagine what complete disaster her vagina is.
I say this cause, in general, girls are very self conscious. i don’t mean in the “they’re all insecure” way. I mean they are literally aware of themselves and their bodies at all times, for better or for worse. So, you come across a girl who’s armpits reek, that’s the sign of someone who’s given up on ever trying to be be sanitary. I can only imagine her lady parts smell like an overturned garbage truck in chinatown during the month of august. Maybe I’m wrong…but I sure as hell wouldn’t even go in to find out for sure.

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Music writers can be the worst. With so many trends flying in and out of the scene and people desperately trying to seem relevant, the writers are trying just as hard as the artists. The thing is, a lot of these writers/bloggers know better. They’re dudes who were around when the music was actually groundbreaking. But, in the same way old fart rap fans will reject anything that doesn’t sound like their grandpa’s hip hop, other critics will go the other way and try and sell you that EVERY new fad is totally legit. When approached with logic like “Well, the thing is, that rapper is very bad at rapping…like truly terrible…” they’ll respond with some college thesis that basically boils down to “You don’t get the genius of this artist”. Problem is, 9/10 times, they’re referring to some 17 year old who recorded a song for fun on garageband that happen to catch fire on the internet. Perhaps they made a weird video? Who knows. All that matters is that the supporters of this music are breaking sweats trying to justify an opinion that I don’t think even they truly believe in. In other words, they’re trying WAY too hard to seem in the know. Instead of just taking something for what it is. The internet may have hurt music but shit eating, try hard journalists are gonna be the ones who kill it. Well, maybe not kill it…but leave it deformed at the very least.

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I’m not a fat guy but I’m also not skinny. I’m just kinda big. Because of this, I’m truly glad i didn’t have to be a late teen/early 20 year old in the tight cloths era. In my day, it was baggy everything. To ridiculous levels. When I couldn’t find where to get cool baggy jeans, I’d just go to the Gap and buy some 40 inch waist/40 inch length and let it ride. And that didn’t even look crazy back then (a little bunched up, but not crazy). Luckily, the real skinny jean era for men has subsided so the youth can breath a little easier now. But, still, every now and then I’ll see a dude walking down the street, shaped like a pear, adhering to a fashion sense that simply doesn’t work for him. I fully understand wanting to be a part of a scene. Hell, in this homogenized world, standing out and making a statement is a lost art amongst most of our youth. It seems everyone is different int he same way. But sometimes our body shape dictates the cloths we can and cannot wear. I mean, yes, you can wear anything you want. But is it wise? If i have a body like Grimace, complete with man titties and hip haunches , as much as I wanna look cool in my skinny jeans and tight t-shirts, it may be wise to find an alternate. Maybe be one of those oversized sweater wearing guys? Or get some dickies? Or be like a girl in the 90’s and tie a shirt around your waist to hide your fat ass? You do have options. I say all this cause, when i see this guy walking around, his discomfort is palpable. Shit, I feel the same way on a beach and I’m not even that bad. So, pour out a little liquor for tubby men everywhere who were simply born in the wrong era of fashion for their body types. Ten years earlier and these same guys wouldn’t only be comfortable, but they’d even probably get laid a decent amount.

12 thoughts on “Defending my tweets vol. 6

  1. I’m sometimes amazed at female B.O. too, because women are usually so sensitive about it. I dated a woman for a while who constantly thought her vagina stank and everyone could smell it–thing is, I never smelled anything in public and when the clothes were off the smell was fine. Probably because she was douching with bleach out of worry.

    • If this girl was douching with bleach, that would lead to unbalanced ph levels for sure. That is the exact opposite of what an owner of a vagina should do to themselves. If you are still on friendly terms with her, try to somehow tell her that that is so bad bad bad for her!

  2. Since 1993 I’ve worn a wu-tang shirt at least once a week to the present. Am I ok?

    Also Austin is full of chubby butt vegan tight clothes hipsters with beards and cardigans. I’m baffled everyday.

    And smelly hippy chicks

  3. To play devils advocate, I bet girls with smelly armpits actually have better tasting pussy. Specifically the ones that use natural deodorants because they are actually conscious about what they put in/on their bodies. People like that also tend to have better diets and stay active which equals better tasting cum and what-not. If it’s chicks who smell because they just don’t like to take showers, well then I agree with your initial thoughts.

    • I would strongly disagree cause the ones that use that natural deodorants are also probably the type who don’t manage their vagina hair. Hippies. Say what you will but that never helps the vaginal scent. And the diet thing is irrelevant. Perhaps smokers, drug users and boozers have worse scents in general but diet doesn’t come into play that much. The myth that certain foods change the flavor of cum has been disproven (trust me, I used to argue on the other side and someone showed me the studies. I was wrong). Some foods make it smell worse (smoking effects it more than any food though). This is more about upkeep and general awareness of your own scents.

      • Totally agree on the smoking, alcohol, drugs component. In my own experiences people who drink a lot have been the most rank. I think you need to meet some modern day hippies though. Not wanting to get boob cancer or Alzheimers from aluminum in anti-perspirants is not necessarily correlated with untamed vag.

      • That last point is true. But not trimming the bush and using those crystals as deodorant does definitely often share the same space as a smelly motherfucker.

  4. Can you defend this tweet from today? “Mommy, tell me more of that era in time where men with neck beards walked the earth and had lots of sex with beautiful women”. When people talk about neck beards, do they only mean these abominations???…

    Or is shit like this unacceptable too?

      • Oh OK. I just started hearing about neck beard a few months ago honestly. I’ve only heard someone use it once in real life when a girl called some guy [who hardly had any facial hair] a neck beard because he was talking about some terrible computer games. Each time I see someone use neck beard online I think it’s just been a literal put down of someone’s poor facial hair decisions.

        I guess guys who are either a figurative or literal neck beard probably have about the same chance of getting laid? If I just shave at least once a week and stay away from World Of Warcraft am I safe from being labeled?

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