Welcome to another addition of Fuck/Marry/Kill. Depending on who you are, you either love this or hate this. To the haters (I don’t mean that in the “Hi haters!” kinda way), just know it’s all in fun and I’m in no way trying to degrade anyone. It’s a fucking parlor game , for christs sake. The only reason I’m not using men in this is cause…well…I’m a straight guy and that would be impossible. The fucking part , at least. So, yeah, grain of salt people!
Anyway, this weeks batch is full of truly hard choices. If you got any original ideas for who I should f/m/k, leave them in the comments below. I’m always looking for new and innovative ideas. Let’s get into it.
Fuck/Marry/Kill: Amy Schumer, Ilana Glazer, Natasha Leggero
Marry: Natasha Leggero
You kinda set me up too perfectly with this one. I mean, I’mma definitely go the shallow rout when it’s put in front of me like this. Natasha Leggero, like the other two women listed, is funny. She’s also hot. Now, even though I’ve seen video clips of her dismissing all rap music and sounding like an out of touch old person, I think she’s since changed her tune. Or at least softened it. Cause, as much as I’m not trying to date a girl who’s obsessed with the four elements of hip hop (you’d be amazed how unattractive that can be), a person who has no respect at all for rap music and I might bump heads a little. The thing about Leggero and I , though? We’d get past it. No one said marriage was easy.
Kill: Amy Schumer
I’m a big fan of hers. She’s funny and has somehow managed to make a good sketch comedy show in an era where you’d think that was no longer possible without it being an over the top bite of the Chappelle show. That said, she’s not exactly a looker. A lil’ piggy in the face. I don’t wanna kill Schumer, but in this game, I’ve been given no choice. On the bright side, I’d like to think if Amy Schumer wrote this edition of F/M/K , she’d pick the same fate and express it in a much funnier way than I just did.
Fuck: Illana Glazer
Whoever sent in these options has been paying attention. By Putting Glazer here, they’re testing me cause I have a weird crush on this girl. In fact, I bet they were testing if my crushes are deeper than just shallow physical attraction. Whelp, apparently not.
Still, It would be my honor to bone her. My attraction to her is based on many things. Yes, she’s very funny. But you don’t fuck funny. She’s also quirky. Can’t say my dicks ever gotten hard for a female clown. No, my attraction to her is based on something I’ve mentioned many times in F/M/K. She’s a jewess who reminds me of girls I used to want to have sex with in high school. That’s all it takes. The other things are a bonus. High school was all about jews and puerto ricans. So, forever, I’ll have a thing for those two types. That’s just how it is.
F/M/K: Facebook / Twitter / Instagram (the last option was originally Pintrest but what the fuck is that?)
Instagram is fun and easy. Low pressure. I don’t need it but I enjoy it greatly. It seems like the clear pick for me to bone down on. Not to mention, it’s visual. Us men are visually driven creatures. I’ve literally seen pics on instagram that i could probably make love to, if that was possible (shout out to bikini season and girls who need affirmation. You guys look great). I think I wouldn’t marry instagram cause it’s just not that serious. Instagram is a casual fling that goes on for years. I wouldn’t want to change that ever.
I love twitter but the reason I’d kill it is cause it’s pretty much just an aspect of Facebook. Sure, it’s faster, funnier and arranged in a pleasing way. It also tends to attract a more “on the ball” crowd. I can’t even begin to explain how awful the comment section of my facebook page gets. but twitter also promotes the overuse of hashtags and people still haven’t figured out that retweeting anytime some gives you accolades is generally really fucking annoying. So, me killing Twitter would be depressing but i’d do it as painlessly as possible. Perhaps I’ve force feed it pills so it could pass calmly in the night. #deadbutnotforgotten
I’m sure many of you are disagreeing with this but hear me out. Yes, Facebook is seemingly on it’s way out. I know tons of people who abandoned it for the two other sites listed above. But, let’s be honest, facebook is all those things and more. It can be like twitter. It can be like Instagram. All that and more. It’s like the general store. Sure, Twitter may be the cooler store in town where you buy all those exclusive things but do they sell butter? I bet they don’t even have eggs. Facebook got that and a decent enough knock off of whatever designer crap that other place was slinging. Facebook got everything you need so, if I had to chose, I’d take it easily over the others cause of its wide reach. To be honest, the only reason facebook is wacker now is cause too cool for school people decided they wanted to use other social networks.The site itself is still awesome. In fact, had Myspace never gone under and gotten over run by Spam, I’d probably be married to that right now anyway.
F/M/K:The Fresh Prince edition: -Hilary -Ashley (when she was age appropriate) -Will’s girlfriend (Nia Long)
I’d like to start this saying that, when this show aired, I was a few years (maybe 4 or tops) older than ashley and she was pretty much the hottest girl ever to me. So, a legal aged ashley is ,without question, getting wifed up. I haven’t seen her in a minute but the late teen early 20’s version of her is something special. It would be a bonus if she dressed like it was the mid 90’s too cause that would also be hilarious. I bet her Roger rabbit was on point back then.
To be honest, I Barely remember her being on the show but whatever. Nia Long is my shit. She’s the black version of Michelle Williams. Tiny, adorable and she aged amazingly. The more I think about it, the more I think I should be marrying her…but, alas, my love for Ashley runs too deep. Still though, sex with Nia Long? That would not be a problem. Who knows? maybe I’d fall in love with her and leave Ashley? God works in mysterious ways and one of those ways might involved a hypothetical love triangle between nia long, ashley and I. You never know, bro!
I mean, shit, she was always hot to me too. That said, I dunno if the actress was that good or the writing was special but her stuck up, spoiled bitchiness came through hard on the show. She wasn’t even sexual to me. I remember seeing the actress that played her in another role and being like “whoa! she’s not an awful piece of shit…”. Still, the scar remains and she’ll always be hillary. I’d imagine there are tons of guys out there who saw her as a challenge and would pick her based on that but I’ve never been a captain fix-a-hoe so i’ll leave that to the men with more patience and desire.
Fuck/Marry/Kill: NYC, SF, L.A.
Duh. I mean, it’s not even close. Yes, I’m wildly biased on this but what other answer would you possibly expect me to pick? I wish I could marry this city. If i could, I’d become one of those awful patronizing, passive aggressive husbands who would shame my wife into being the woman I fell in love with when I met her all those years ago. Like I’d say shit like “NAh, that new high end clothing store you opened is cool but I always liked how that area had good bars in it and wasn’t full of vertical striped shirt dipshits…but, hey, what do i know?”. Eventually my abuse might actually pay off. One can dream.
Fuck: San Francisco
This is where I’d go if NYC vanished. I got family there. I got friends there. I love the feel of the city. It’s just an awesome place all around. The only reason it’s not getting a ring is cause my bitch NYC doesn’t play games. Also, the fear of earthquakes and me ever becoming a person who says “hella” is enough to keep me out of there full time. Still, if I’m gonna go balls deep on any city, it would be S.F.
Now, this was actually tougher than you might think. I’ve come around on L.A. in a major way over the last 10 years. It’s fun, the weather is great, there’s always shit going on and the food is awesome. Why kill it then? Well I don’t drive. Not driving out there is impossible. Well, not impossible but it would definitely make life really difficult. Add in that it’s full of actors and actresses and that’s enough for me to know. But, still, I do have love for L.A.. you guys just came up against some tough competition. Had the other choices been, I dunno…Sacramento and buffalo, you know you’d have my heart in a millisecond.