Why, hello there. How’s your life? How’s that guy/girl you’ve been dating/fucking/marrying? Well, I’m Dr. Tony. I have a high school diploma and no background in anything remotely related to doling out advice but, you know what? I try.
If you have any life questions that need guidance and don’t feel like paying for a shrink and/or listening to you dumb ass friends biased advice, I’m your guy. Send them my way. Either Email them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org or leave them in the comments below. It’s all anonymous and , who knows, I might actually help you figure out whatever lame ass problems you got going on in your life. After all, i don’t know you so I have no reason to not tell it like it is. Makes sense, right?
So, here are this weeks questions…
Hey, Dr. Tony! I’m wondering:
What are your thoughts on getting back with exes? I’ve been considering getting back with an ex, lately, but, I have quite a bit of trepidation.
This girl broke my heart something vicious, and it took a long time to get over her, so fear of that happening again still kind of lingers in my mind. But, more importantly, there’s a part of me that feels like I’m selling myself short.
Thing is, we have an undeniable chemistry, one that I haven’t felt before or since her. And, even though we dated in our early 20s, that connection is still there.
I dunno, maybe if I wasn’t 30, I wouldn’t even be considering it, but, I can’t decide if getting back with her is a good decision or just a delusion
Been there. Done that. Will never do it again.
Check this out…the problem with getting back together with old flames is that we only seem to remember the good parts. You see that person again and feel like it’s brand new. You fondly look back on the rapport , the sex and the over all vibe that drew you to that person in the first place. You have that comfort level (which is something that will often keep couples together in the first place once everything else has withered away). One of the worst parts of meeting new people is that you have to reintroduce yourself to a brand new person. Tell your stories. fill them in on your background. Introduce them to family and friends. So, that daunting process will often make us lazy and take the easy route…an ex.
The thing is, the mind has a way of totally blacking out the bad parts of your past relationship. We forget why we broke up in the first place. You forget those feelings of resent and general disdain you once had for that person cause you’re not thinking straight. Nostalgia is a motherfucker. Now, this could be a little different if you guys broke up on particular terms. Like if it was due to one of you having to move somewhere far away or another similar “it’s out of our hands but we can’t be together” type situation. But, outside of those examples, we must never forget the bad times. Think of those moments you spent sitting in your bed, seething at that person. Or how that person made you feel when they let you down. Even better, focus in on all those annoying traits that used to drive you crazy. Things that you can’t even explain to another person without sounding like an asshole but you know, deep down, they drove you insane. Those are the moments you gotta bring up when an ex comes back around. That said, you should definitely bone each other cause that’s always a lot of fun. Just don’t bring your emotions into it cause then, it’s a wrap for both of you.
So I’m a 23 y/o dude who started seeing this girl (20) who just broke up with her boyfriend. We’ve been talking for about 3 weeks now and hangout almost every day. I joke while drunk that I am just a rebound which she responds I am not and how she really likes me and appreciates that we have a connection even while sober.
3 weeks of chilling and we only done the deed 3 times. One of the times (our first time sober) she may or may not of cried. (I am pretty sure she did even though she denies it when I bring it up). When were drunk she tells me she really likes me a lot but isn’t looking for a relationship. Which I get, her just getting out of a relationship and all.
Anyways In my head I know its not worth the time devoting this amount of effort on a girl not looking for a relationship, yet at the same time shes not putting out enough to constitute a fuck buddy. But I am not drowning in pussy and the once a week affair greatly out does what I am use to getting.
How do I tread? When were not together and shes with other dudes I am alone at home doing not shit. Whether shes banging these dudes, I don’t know. If she is, she is giving it up to them a lot easier then she does me. (these dudes seem to be long established friends so I am not too concerned).
Idk man should I continue to work for something that may potentially become a relationship? While other guys may not have to work so hard? Or should I go back to spending my weekends with “boys night out”(trying to get laid but continuously failing)/playing xbox?
PS she even followed you on twitter because I said you were a funny fucker and I told her your blog is hilarious so I hope she doesn’t read this and if she does….HI!
That’s rough but you gotta just kinda take it for what it is. First off, she’s not looking to settle down. So that’s off the table. Once you accept that as fact, then you’re already in a better place. When a girl says that to a guy, it’s as real as real can be. Not to be confused with a girl who is in a sex-only relationship with a guy she likes, who parrots a guy saying “I’m not looking for anything serious…” on some “Oh yeah, me neither!” shit , even though deep down, she is. In your case, she said it to you and that means it’s authentic.
So, what you gotta do is either ride it out and take it for what it is: occasional sex.
or , if that’s not something your comfortable with, then just leave it alone.
The upside of the first option is that you can have boys nights out and look for other girls and still have sex once in a while with this girl. The only reason that would be a no go, to me, would be if you’re not emotionally ready to be that kinda guy. Which is fine.
Another aspect of this is that you make it sound like she’s fucking all sorts of other dudes. She sounds like she’s in full “I’m a free woman!” mode but she’s also 20 years old. Sounds to me like the last thing she’s looking for is someone else to lock her down. She’s 20, dude. If it were up to me, I’d make a rule that no one under the age of 25 would be allowed to even be in a committed relationship. But, alas, i’m not a god.
Also, it should be noted that a drunk 20 year old girl telling you that she likes you really doesn’t mean much. She might really feel that way but there are clearly way too many distractions for her to ever follow up on that.
I have a question for you about friendship and mobile communication. Few days ago I visited a big city where some friends of me live. They do not know each other. I wanted to meet them separately. I tried to make appointments, because I had only one and a half day. I thought it must be simple, because everybody is equipped with mobiles, internet…
Yeah – but it went “We can meet in the afternoon”, nobody wanted to decide at which time & which place we could meet. I got some text messages, not signed with a name (unknown mobile number), so I could not see who wanted to meet me. I had to call back or to text back, asking “okay, we could meet at 3, but who are you ?” A friend texted but used two different mobiles. It was soo annoying. I wondered “Do they really want to meet me ?” Okay, in the end I met some of the friends I wanted to see, I was happy to see them, we had a nice time. The time was a bit short, because their decision process took so long time. But why it had to be sooo difficult to decide on time and place ? I discussed this with a friend, a) why is it so difficult to decide ? b) why so extremely unattentive (texting with new mobile without signing with a name, texting cryptical messages…) and he said, it it out of fashion to make decisions, everybody wants to stay flexible, to decide spontaneously. And the bad style in communication, it is only a bad habit, nobody should take it personnally.
But I take it personnally. I think, okaaay, I thought we were really, really good friends, but lets face it, we are not. Am I just oldfashioned ? Maybe it is a new style, a new culture, and I’m left behind ? It is definitly a style which makes things complicated, its stupid. When I grew up (I’m 36) we only had non-mobile phones, it was soo complicated. But now it seems to me even more complicated. Next time I gonna tell my friends “I got no mobile, if you want to meet me, we must agree beforehand about time and place” even if I got a perfectly healthy and working mobile.
I think, friendship is about decision. It is a main point. I must DECIDE which whom I want to spend time. It would be easy to say “Oh, my friends are just lazy dickheads but I like them the way they are”. No, I know definitely the friends in question are not. One of them is a scientist, he is well organized and not lazy. An other friend, she has founded a monthly magazine on her own, she is very, very well organized. And so on. Maybe they are tired of making decisions ?
What do you think about that ?
To make a long story short: My current pet hate is the inability of my friends to decide on appointments via mobile (and their vague messages which drive me crazy). Are they really my friends ? Are they careless because I’m just not important to them ? Or ARE they my friends but I am totally oldfashioned ?
Just a tip, if you’re gonna write “To make a long story short” it should not follow like 5 paragraphs of explanation. Anyway…
Welcome to 2014. This sounds like a handful of different things.
1)Your friends are flakes
Flakey people are THRIVING in the texting era. It gives them an openness they didn’t have 15 years ago. You can vaguely make plans and cancel on a whim 5 minutes before meeting up.
2)Let’s be honest, these people are just close acquaintances.
I’ve got tons of “friends” all over the country. If I’m in their city for one night, I know there are some that will always be down to hang and others that are more about timing and what they have going on in their life. I know, when someone comes to visit NYC that I’m cool with (but not really a close friend with) I MIGHT make an effort to see them but it’s definitely not a priority. Where as, if a close friend comes to town, plans are made and solidified well before they even arrive. Sounds to me like you’re in that latter group of people. Nothing wrong with that but you may just need to temper your expectations of people. They got their own lives to live in the place they live in. Only a good friend will drop everything to make an effort.
3)I don’t think you’re old fashioned. You just sound a little entitled and easily annoyed. I get both those things cause being in a city that isn’t home and not having anywhere to go is the worst. I think the combo of flakey friends and friendships that aren’t that serious is the culprit here. I’d say, in the future, if you want to make these kinda things work, lock down plans. Like call a week in advance and get these people to commit to something more than just “I’ll call you when I’m in town”. Otherwise, it’s as much your fault as it is theirs.
I’ve been a single mom for about a year now, I’m 28 and I think I’m ready to start dipping my toes in the dating pool. Not looking but not not looking. At what point do you think I should tell a guy that I have a 3 year old? Right off the bat? A couple hang outs in?
I mean, on one hand, especially when it relates to dating, I want the person to get to know ME and not just see me as a Mom. (I know if he’s scared off then he’s probably not the right one…blahblahblah but honestly, I’ve been scared off too, before I had my own creature). On the other hand, that’s what I am, day to day, a Mama Bear. Reading over this, it sounds shitty and looks like there’s an obvious answer, but it’s different when you live in your own head. Please solve all of my life problems. kthanksbyeee!
I don’t think there is a definitive answer for this. It depends on what you want from the guy and how comfortable you feel with letting people know that.
If you’re just trying to get laid or have a regular sex partner, then I don’t think he needs to know about it (unless he specifically asks about it). If it’s more serious, then I think you play it by ear. Just don’t be a crazy person and wait to say it right after he’s finished dumping a load inside/around you. You gotta be careful when dropping bombs.
I feel as though it shouldn’t define you as a single woman but it’s also something you can’t sit on for that long. Like i said, if he asks, you have to tell him. If things are picking up steam or you see long term possibilities with a dude, you should tell him before it gets too deep. Basically, having a kid is like having herpes. Just kidding. It’s way worse to not tell a dude you have herpes than not telling him you have a kid. but I digress…
If it’s a dude who’s gonna come over, he’s gonna find out anyway when he trips over that thomas the train engine play set. He’s also gonna wonder why you can’t just go out on a whim whenever. So, yeah…let it out when it feels right but don’t sit on it too long cause then it will come off like a sneak attack.
Side note about young moms, you guys kinda have it great cause you’ve already gotten the baby making part out of the way and , after that, you can truly enjoy your life. Sure, you killed a bunch of years in your 20’s but, still, the arrow is pointing up for young moms.