Ask Dr. Tony vol. 34

Sup guys and gals,
It’s been a while but the doctor has returned with some advice your mom wouldn’t give you. Or maybe she would? I dunno that bitch. Anyway, for those who don’t know, this column is where I expel life advice all over the place. People send me questions and I do my best to answer them honestly and constructively. I’m not a shrink. Not even close. I’m barely a functional reader. But, I don’t know you , I’m have no agenda to lie for and , sometimes, it’s a good idea to get advice from outside your bubble. If you have any questions you’d like me to tackle, send them my way:
or leave them in the comments below. I’m here to help (and occasionally make fun of you). But more so to help.
Let’s get into this weeks batch…

This is for dr tony:
Do you think a male and female can be strictly platonic friends without any sexual history and neither one be thirsty? Let me lay it out for you, been talkin to this great guy for a few months now. In the past couple weeks he locked it down as exclusive and i was ready for it and happily accepted. Since the beginning he has told me one of his best friends is this girl he has known since high school. Since we’ve dated, ive hung out w her a couple times and both times it was a bit weird. She wouldnt look me in the eye when we talked, and when we got to the bar she sat at the other end of the bar and looked sour apple. Guy im dating says he doesnt like her boyfriend bc the bf is the one makin it weird not her. Have you witnessed girls get jealous over friend zoned guys? Its like she “doesnt” want him sexually but never at least pretends to share a laugh with us or engage in any convo whatsoever. My guy has talked about how sweet and awesome this girl is and all but when we hang out im digging conversation out of her and then have to fake positivity later when my guy asked “do you think yall could be friends? Howd you like her?” Im not the type of person to care too much what other people think if im feelin someone, but have you seen any of your girl friends get jealous when you brought a girl around you were diggin hard? Im always tryin to be the wingman for my friendzoned guy friends but thats bc theres no attraction from my end. Whatever please tell me im being over analytical.

This shit is mad real.
To answer your question, yes. I do think male/female platonic friendships can exist. While I think there are tons of elements involved that make them possible, they are, in the end, possible. The most common ways I’ve seen them begin are
1)the two people have known each other so long the idea of the other being sexual is revolting to both parties (but more revolting to the girl, typically)
2)They met through a former bf/gf and only knew each other as that persons friend so, when the relationship ended with that bf/gf, it was not even an option. unless you’re dealing with low lives and then, you know, all bets are off.
3)The actually did hook up, got it out of the way and realized they’re better off just being friends (I’d say this is most common and , also, most effective for long term friendship.)
4)Both parties are equally not attracted to each other. Though I’d venture to say this one is actually kinda rare cause I feel as if it’s in our human nature to be drawn to people we’re attracted to. There’s usually one person that is at least mildly attracted to the other it’s just it’s so obviously unrequited that the person drops it as a possibility and accepts the friendship.

Now, as for your situation…I’ve definitely seen that. And yes, friends can absolutely be jealous of their friends new boyfriends/girlfriends. It’s pretty simple though.
With male friends, it’s more of a big brother thing. Being a a step away from apes, we have it in our minds to want to protect (this is assuming this person is indeed a real friend and not some dude trying to fuck on the low that’s your “friend”). So guys will generally be a little stand offish at times to a new boyfriend. Also, there’s an element of “should I even bother making friends with this dude? He might be gone next week and who cares?”. Eventually that posturing should subside though and they’l have some corny bro bonding moment and a “he’s an okay guy” revelation. That’s kinda how we work.
With girls, and I could be off on this, I’d say it’s more territorial. They see a new girlfriend as more of a threat to their relationship with the guy. I mean , let’s be honest here, who hates girls more than other girls? and if a girl comes along out of nowhere threatening to take time with their good friend away from them , she’s gonna act weird. It’s typical petty behavior and, I’d hope, it’s short term. Meaning, the friend would eventually just accept it and come to terms with this new girl being around, eventually leading to you two getting along.
That said, she could be one of those girls who just doesn’t like other girls or she might just hate your face. You truly never know. Bitches be trippin’!

So Tony this question might be a little bit out of sorts for you and involves a pretty good amount of drama, since I basically only read your post when I’m taking a shit ( and I don’t mean that in a bad way it’s the best and only defication reading material I enjoy) it’s that since seeing all these people with giant paragraphs on basically miniscule stuff I thought I would throw my hat into the ring. So I had a gf for about 3 years we broke up almost a year ago but the twist is it ended with me going to jail, which sounds terrible I know but I think we all can agree ladies are crazy, so to put a veryyyyy long story short we had put issuse basically arguing alot, it got to the point where 2 days would not go by without an argument, she was pretty abusive, as in would slap me, scratch me, punch me almost everytime these arguments took place, which were basically about petty nonsense, we started dating when I was 17-18 and she was 16 and the relationship continued till she was 18 and I was 20, her mom was a single mom and when I was 17 I had a pretty good job and was making alot of money but her mom was struggling so I moved in with them due to the fact I have been on my own and was renting a room at the time, so we lived together for like 1 year or so until she graduated hs, during this time when I was supporting her and her mom she cheated on me, I found out about it and moved out, but we still continued talking, I knew that she had previously indulged in drugs such as ecstacy and rumoured to have smoked meth but since we were extremly close i honestly thought she quit and everything was good but once she cheated it became apparent that she was still using, nevertheless me being a pussy whip dumbass I took her back, ended up kicking the guys ass and ” won” her back the cliche 18 yr old bravado nonsense, well this was a massive mistake, after she graduated we wanted to move so I had some connections in riverside and could get a pretty good job there and riverside community was a good place for her to study to become a nurse, so things cleared up and I thought we could forget the past and move on with the nonsense due to the fact that we were both young and dumb. So I threw down about 1235 on this apartment a month including pet rent ( because of course at this point in out relationship we owned a dog together haha) but yeah she ( as in her grandpa) paid about half of the rent and I paid the rest and utilitys, now at this point she is 18 and I’m 20, things are good for about 4 months than I start to notice some shizz going down, her losing alottttt of weight, erract behavior, me basically doing all her homework cause she sleeps all day and misses classes, now call me a dumbass all u want this chick was smooth, she played it off as if it was my fault for these actions, the fights escalted, she became more violent and u felt stuck, I mean fuck I basically put my whole lifes effort into this crazy girl ( which wasn’t much I mean fuck I was 20) so one night she comes home obviously spun out of her mind and wants to break up, and I am actually all for it at that point but than she says I should leave and she is keeping our dog which is actually my dog, and she said she already called my dad to come get me and told her mom that I was on drugs and abusing her which is basically the opposite of what’s happening haha so her mom comes over I actually ended up going into the room and searching for her meth pipe and Find It! But she has her mom so wrapped around her finger she convinces her it’s mine haha so I am soooo livid at this point I just leave the apartment, I go to a buddys tell him wats up and of course they have been telling me to ditch the broad for like a year, so I go back the next morning to pick up my stuff and finally just seperate myself from the madness. Once I get there she won’t let me in to my own place, finally she let’s me in and as I’m packing my shit she says she is sorry and wants to be with me, like really? After the whole fiasco the previous day? So I am just fed up wit it, she is in front of the door and won’t move she is yelling and scraching at me so this is where things get nuts, I tell her to move she obviously is strung out of her mind , so I push past her, not violently whatsover( I have 4 sisters I would never do that shit) but she throws her self on the floor and starts yelling I hit her, well to sum up the story I leave and she calls the cops, but my neighbors know that she acts up and has made shit up before, but nevertheless they come and arrest me. For nothing!!! I had legitement wounds on me from her scraches, she has nothing on her except a pipe in her car and room hahaha so they take me in and I think I’m not gonna do any jail time for this due to the fact they have no physically inclicted injury evidence, and I have alottttt but low and behold due to the fuckedddd justice system and the fact I can’t afford a legit lawyer the give me 6 months in county jail and 3 years probation. Which really fuked me life up, I was almost graduated from college and was gonna be a substitute teacher till u got my degree and had a awesome fulltime job but lost it all due to this crazy drug addicted chick who is on to using the next guy she can find, I got put in october and moved back in wit my dad and things have been ok, I mean it definitly helped out my music and writing so maybe it was all for a reason but my question is and I honestly don’t know if u can answer it due to the fact this is so circumstantial but how do I move on and deal with new shit, cause I’m only 21 and have alot of shit to give to the world and don’t wnna be stiffled by this shit but it’s hard when I have a felony on my record, and to be able to talk to new girls without the stigma that they are pieces of shit hahha? But yeah dealing with those trust issues hardcore so any thoughts?

Wow dude. First off, it’s always funny when I can tell something was typed on a phone and this novella must have taken you hours to write. That is one long dump.
Anyway, that’s a pretty insane situation. On one hand, I applaud your patience with this girl but I also chalk that up to dumb teenaged love. We do completely nonsensical things when we are young based entirely on emotion and hormones. On the other hand, part of me feels as though the fact you were willing to put up with this obviously broken situation for so long makes me think you got some issues of your own that need to be resolved. Now, don’t get me wrong, they’re no where near as fucked up as that girls issues but your loyalty towards her was to a fault. The second those fists start flying and the fighting is happening every few days, in my eyes, it’s a wrap. I’m also a “drama free” kinda guy though so, maybe it’s just me.
Let’s be honest, she fucked up your life. You got a record now and that’s that. But she didn’t ruin your life. It can go on. I don’t know what kind of work you do but considering you said you were making decent money at 18, it’s clearly not a job that was based on being educated. So, hopefully, you can still get work in whatever field that is. As for dealing with other girls and not thinking they’re pieces of shit…just know that you came across one REALLY shitty human being. She sounds truly fucking awful. Like “I wouldn’t swerve my car if she was laying in the road” awful. but that’s just one girl. At least come across like 2 or 3 or these lunatics before you start making sweeping assumptions about 51% of the entire earths population. In fact, I’d say that this experience should have taught you some things.
Such as:
You can’t fix someone who’s broken. That’s not ever your job.
When you see early signs of crazy behavior, it’s only gonna get worse
and, something that is HIGHLY under rated,
if all your friends are telling you that the person you’re with is bad news, they’re usually right. I can’t stress that enough. To anyone out there reading this, if ALL your friends think your girl/man sucks, he/she does and you need to get the fuck out of that relationship. Get your mind right, bro.

Is there a way to stop being a big box of envy?

That’s a tough one. I tend to think being an envious person is simply a trait you either have or don’t, on varying levels. Then again, maybe it’s like trust and , over time, it gets worn down after years of people misusing it.
The thing about envy is that it’s a pretty petty trait. It’s you caring way too much about what another person does that, in general, doesn’t effect you. I’ve always kinda thought envy and jealousy were synonymous but ,now that I think about, they’re actually a little different. Jealousy is when you’re possessive of something/someone. Like Boyfriends and girlfriends get jealous of each other. But envy? That’s just looking at any old asshole you know and wishing you could have what they have. For instance, I’m not jealous of the guy who gets to have sex with Emily Ratajakowski cause it’s not like I could ever do that in reality, but I am envious. It’s a human emotion. It’s also the foundation of being a hater ass hater. So, even though you can’t control it, I’d advise do your best to keep it under wraps cause it’s a truly unattractive quality on anyone.

Here’s the deal, Block: I decided to become an English Education major in college. I just got my Master’s degree in December. The teaching market is really shitty where I live (and in most other places, too). As we all know, the education system itself is completely fucked up. So, here I am, going to junky substituting jobs in the nearest major city while working three other low-paying education jobs, and I still can’t afford to move out, and the future truly looks bleak for a happy future teaching kids how to read and write. I’ve been considering just saying “fuck it” and joining the military where I can become an officer for having a Master’s, or just grabbing some other job where I will get paid well and not have to take my job home with me at the end of the day. What to do, Block?

You realize you’re asking a person who hasn’t had a real job for 10 years about job advice, right? This is kinda like asking me “Hey, what kinda car should I buy?” knowing I’ve never driven in my life.
All I can say about this one is based on only things I’ve seen with friends.
If you have a passion for teaching, then I’d say do it. If that means moving to another state where there are more jobs available, then so be it. If that’s not an option and you simply can’t afford to support yourself via teaching, then it might be time to seek out other avenues. Sure, the military is one. I really know nothing about that life and, in my eyes, that’s always been a last option for anyone…especially someone who is already educated. That said, I don’t doubt it has a lot of perks. But, another option is doing what I’d venture to say most people in the US do and just get some shitty worker bee desk job that pays you well enough and submit to being that guy. The office space life. It sounds like a nightmare but , hey, you gotta eat and put a roof over your head, right? I’m not saying get a job at Arby’s but you have a college education. Hopefully you can apply that to SOMETHING. And those are jobs zombies can do. Go to work, zone out, go home.Although I’d imagine it’s soul sucking, I think it’s easy to not take that home with you.
But, yeah, my first goal would be to find a teaching job anywhere I could cause it’s clearly what you want to be doing. But, that said, I guarantee you’ll come home from teaching way more wound up than some boring ass 9-5 job. Man, jobs suck.

13 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Tony vol. 34

  1. Nice. Do you think the flip side is true — “Who hates guys more than other guys?” or is it more “Who hates men more than women?”

    • Nope. Guys give other guys a shitload of leeway.Too much, in fact. No clue why but we don’t tend to judge each other that fiercely. We can typically find some boring common ground but, also, we just don’t care as much. Women DEFINITELY hate men more than men do.

      • Haha. And every girl ever has had a boyfriend with *that* friend where you’re like “he’s a terrible terrible human being…don’t you see?” and the guy’s like “yeah, but he’s hilarious and always good for a laugh…..”

  2. I’m just throwing this out there for the English major with the Masters. Go teach English in another country i.e. China, Japan, etc. You would be doing what you’re passionate about and have the added bonus of not working three jobs and moving out!

  3. One more thing: To the guy with the record (assault charges? misdemeanor?). All women aren’t crazy, you just chose to date, and stick with, a meth head. I’d point the questions inward and figure out why you don’t feel like you’re better than an abusive relationship.

  4. From yesterday’s podcast, here the Over/Under for Wladimir Klitschko:
    (I’m loving making “over-under” mean whatever I want it to mean)

    WK & Kimora – OVER:

    WK & Hayden – UNDER:

  5. @blurrygodlLEX I have gone through a similar situation(or 2)like this,and seen so much of in California lately I’m scared.A woman can simply say”he threatened to kill me”.The cops here will actually explain to women that this is a simple way to”get rid”of her man.I was stabbed and beaten by a recent girlfriend and I pushed and threw her to the ground.She has a child,so when the police showed up and said”we have to arrest somebody here”.I easily took that burden.My time was not as important as hers.I did half of 6 months in the county jail and we stayed together afterwards for 2 more years.I have never struck a woman in anger in my life(on everything ever).Jail fucking sucks everywhere(for “rap” guys anyway).Our whole idea is”fuck politics”.The whole idea of jail is politics(especially in CA.).I have respect for strong women,but this type of shit runs rampant in 2014…Long winded enough?

  6. For the English teacher, have you looked into teaching overseas? I have two friends doing it and are making enough to have a good time in a cool place (Korea) and travel to surrounding counties. It would be a cool experience and would help build your resume of having a full time gig. Just a thought and best of luck to you.

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