Oh, life on the internet is a constant battle. Everything is scrutinized. Nothing is simple. For those reasons, I feel the need to explain myself. I tweet dumb shit, mostly in the form of dumb jokes. Often, these things are misunderstood or just flat out disagreed with. Which is weird cause, in general, they’re not even that inflammatory. So, there is me explaining myself to you. Why? Why not. If nothing else, it allows me to expand on something I couldn’t cover in under 140 characters. Indulge me.
When you’re a kid, snow is so much fun. It’s whimsical. You’d put on your snow outfit and roll around in it without a care in the world. That whimsy lessens as you gt older but it never really dies. I know, every year, when I see the first snow flakes float down from the sky, I get a warm familiar feeling. From behind a window, snow is the best. Look at it! A soft, white sheet covering everything perfectly. It’s inviting. It looks like the perfect bed you could lay down in and sleep forever. Then you go outside and realize you have to deal with that shit.
Unless you’re skiing, snowboarding or eating it for sustenance, snow fucking sucks in reality. Even worse than snow? Day old snow. Maybe it’s different in places outside of major cities but the second that snow is compromised, it’s a wrap on its glory.
When it snows in NYC, the first few hours have people in a frenzy. 24 hours later you got boots filled with slush, piles of snow covered trash , dog shit infused snow, and old people slipping to their death trying to go to the corner store. Fuck all that noise.
Snow is beautiful. It’s better than rain most of the time. But, unless I’m looking at it through the comfort of my own window, in my toasty apartment, it can go fuck itself.
Nostalgia is a motherfucker.
Around the time I tweeted this, the internet was ablaze with people hyping up this new Wu-tang album. Everyone was acting as if it was some big deal that they were finally getting back together and giving us what we’ve been waiting for. Hell, my initial reaction was like “Oh cool…” then I thought about it for a second. When was the last time Wu-Tang made a decent album? Say what you will, but anything post “Wu-tang Forever” is , as best, okay (cue Wu-tang fans who will try and convince me that “Iron flag” wa a classic. Please, stop the madness guys). They always got a few great songs and then the rest of the album is generally a mess. I’d say it makes sense cause, as a group, they can barely be in the same room. Of course that’s going to reflect on what they create together. In fact, that’s what I expect from a Wu-tang album now. 2 or 3 good tracks. I’m good with that. But, Wu-tang is an institution. Wu-tang become one of those groups that people accept as cool cause simply they exist, regardless of their connection to the music. The amount of people I’ve seen wearing Wu-tang T-shirts who probably have no clue who Cappadonna or Masta killa are is astounding. For many, Wu-tang isn’t about the music itself, it’s a personal statement they put forth as fans. That statement? “See, I like some good authentic rap music!”. It’s like a rap dude who wears an “Iron maiden” shirt or a 14 year old in a velvet underground shit. They don’t actually know shit about that band but they support whatever it is they stand for. Also, best believe they know every word to “shimmy shimmy ya”.
I don’t doubt they do love the classics. We all do. Wu-tang is responsible for amazing music that should be loved by everyone. But that “blind following” fan base thing is strong with them.
So, when I typed this tweet, the response was half agreement and half “Are you crazy! Wu-tang forever!!!”. The the latter folks, shut up. You can spin it any way you want but a new Wu-tang album isn’t gonna be great. In fact, I’d venture to say the best thing we can do for new Wu-tang stuff is set expectations low. That way, there’s always a chance we will be pleasantly surprised. In fact, I say doing that with life in general leads to way more moments of joy you might otherwise not have.
(Side note: I just remembered that I actually did a whole write up about this very topic back when it happened…oops. Well, this is for the people in the cheap seats I guess)
This is bigger than how we wipe our asses. Toilet paper, wet wipes, your hand. I don’t care how you do it. We all got the things we are comfortable with. This tweet was more about a much larger problem that personal hygiene.
You can’t say anything opinion based on the internet without someone shoving their two cents down your throat. Sure, this is an open forum where people should voice their opinions but, sometimes, what’s the point? You wanna argue politics? By all means. Let your words be heard. But the second you become that guy that’s vehemently opposing pointless shit like how one man wipes his ass, you’re a dickhead. At least make a joke out of it so we know it’s not that serious to you. Is that too much to ask?
But these nitpickers can find fault in anything. I could tweet “2% milk is my favorite!” and 30 people will scold me for not using almond milk. It’s as if people are waiting on places like twitter and facebook simply to inject their unwanted opinion into every matter under the sun. You’re internet version of a person who sits in a conversation just to speak and not listen. This kind of thing is especially prevalent in anything having to do with new age health related stuff. Those motherfuckers CAN’T WAIT to tell you all about how you’re living your life wrong. Even if they’re right (and they might be, I have no idea) I’m not trying to take advice from a stranger in little prince pants and sandals.
So, maybe I’m okay with wiping my ass with toilet paper. Are wet wipes “better”? Perhaps. Who knows? But more importantly, who cares? It’s my asshole. I can do what I want with it. I’ve gotten this far in life without getting a weird disease from not using wet wipes, I think I’m good. Only an asshole would try and tell me how to treat my own asshole.
As someone who has watched his fair share of porn, I’m no stranger to ill advised tattoos. Typically, they are on the women and often they’re either some cutesy shit above their pubic hair or the classic tramp stamp. However, no shitty sexual charged tattoo is quite as shitty as when male porn stars get a holster and bullets tatted on their inner thigh.
I realize these guys are professionals and take their job very seriously. Often, artistic pro’s such as these like to express themselves via body art. So, when they sit down in that tattoo parlor the choice seems obvious…OF COURSE they want a holster, gun and bullets on their inner thigh. Their dicks are like guns, guys! Get it? They are weapons to be feared! Obviously! Thing is, outside of porn, this statement is quite bold but also, more that anything, corny.
There are some tell tell signs of terrible men that all women should avoid. For instance, someone who does magic at social gatherings. Avoid that guy. Or a dude that owns a monkey and takes him out socially. Stay away from him. He went the distance in buying an exotic pet entirely with hopes he will be able to fuck dumb girls who are impressed by a dude owning a monkey.
The inner thigh tattoo guy isn’t the same as the monkey guy but he’s worrisome cause he made an extreme life decision based on the love of his own penis. As men, we all love our own penis (well, most of us) but once that love gets taken to inner thigh art levels, just know that you will always be #2. The inner thigh tat guy will never respect a woman more than his own dick. Also, pretty sure he plans to hurt you with that thing so, you know, be careful.