Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 37

Welcome to another soul stirring edition of “Fuck/marry/Kill”. Yup, it’s exactly what is sounds like. You guys sent me options, I give you my take on them. As always, I feel the need to preface this column with “It’s not at all serious so please don’t take offense to it”. The only reason I don’t do options with men is cause , in the end, I want to fuck them all the exact same amount- not at all. Know what I mean?
If you got an inventive fuck/marry/kill ideas, leave them in the comments below. Feel free to go outside the box cause I’ve exhausted most of the other choices (Katy perry, madonna, lady gaga etc…)
Anyway, here are this weeks choices.

F/M/K: The plastic edition: Heidi Montag, Coco, Courtney Stodden

Marry: CoCo
I figure, is she’s good enough for Ice-T, she’s certainly good enough for me.
Coco is one of those freak of nature people who’s body doesn’t make sense at all. While I’m sure she’s had a fair amount of work done to her chest, her ass is actually all natural. How do I know? Well, I’ve seen her in person. In real life, she’s much more compact and squat than she seems in pictures. She kinda reminds me of an old He-Man character “Ram Man“. Hearing that description you may be thinking “Than why would you marry her?” well, cause she seems nice and is, by far, the least insane of the three. At her worst, she’s a little corny and basic. I’ll take that over clinically insane any day.

Fuck: Hiedi Montag
As clown like as she has gotten, there was a small period where the plastic surgery actually kinda worked for her. Sure, her face looked weird (it always did though) and her breasts were comical but , outside of that, she had her body in a good, albeit completely unrealistic place. It should also be noted (and then quickly forgotten) that I was someone who watched “The hills”. If anything, that little tidbit of knowledge should lessen how seriously anyone should take this column by leaps and bounds. But, yeah, Hiedi was a nut case but she was kinda hot in a plastic person that doesn’t exist in real life/porn star kinda way.

Kill: Courtney Stodden
courtney stodden lettuce
I mean,does this even need explaining? I feel like, if you’re a dude who is really into Courtney Stodden, you either have serious issues upon serious issues or blonde people don’t exist in your country. She was a child bride at age 15 to a dude in late 40’s. She had her first boob job before she was 16. She also played the devout religion card , all while dressing like how a 7 year old child with sexual abuse history probably imagines a “glamourous sex worker”. All that said, her parents are really the ones I should be killing but they weren’t in this equation, so it’s gotta be her. Even outside of all this awful stuff, her lust for fame is depressing and it’s only a matter of time before she’s in a porn. I mean, it could be literally any day now. And , trust me, it will be grosser than a murder.

F/M/K: cracker edition. Saltines, Ritz, and Keebler Club crackers.

Kill: Keebler Club Crackers
I honestly don’t know who these things exist for. They’re like a shittier hybrid of saltines and ritz. It’s like, people are out getting groceries and come across the cracker aisle like “Hmm…I need to get a cracker that no one will ever want to eat but that i can dump on people I have over for drinks if i just cover them with some bullshit cheese….”
That should be the slogan for Club Crackers “When you need to get rid of some bullshit cheese and you don’t respect your guests…Club crackers”.

Marry: Saltines
Good old, boring, reliable saltines. They are as basic as a cracker gets…but they win cause I love salt. No fancy herbs or spices here. Just a bland ass cracker with some salt on top. Works for me! I feel like, in marriage, if you go with extremes, it will eventually either blow up in your face or that thing you once loved will become the thing you hate the most about that person. By choosing saltines, I’m playing it safe. Sure, it wouldn’t be a thrill ride to marry Saltines, but it will be nothing if not steady. The only thing i have to remember is to never try and eat a bunch of them with no beverage, cause that’s impossible.

Fuck: Ritz
I never loved Ritz really. Like most crackers, they’re at their best when smothered in other things. Peanut butter, cheese, even some hummus. But, for this challenge, they’d be great for a one off. To be honest, Ritz is probably the most versatile of the three crackers but, I dunno…They never really touched my soul like Saltines did. It’s funny cause, on paper, Ritz should win. They’re buttery. I love butter! They’re salty. I’m bout that salt life. But, I dunno…i never loved the consistency of them. Just a personal preference I suppose.
To be honest, if the Club crackers had been replaced by Triscuits, I would killed these ritz pretty quickly. Triscuits go hard.

F/M/K: Idina Menzel, Lea Michele, Lizzy Caplan

Marry: Lizzy Kaplan
I would literally marry her. It’s not even a game, son! She’s the best. Not only is she hot, funny and talented but she also has one of the craziest bodies ever. BIG FAN. As I’ve noted many times in F/M/K, my soft spot for jewish girls runs deep. Especially NYC jew types. It’s like high school all over again. This was the easiest choice of the week by a landslide.

Fuck: Lea Michele
I kinda know who she is but definitely had to google her (and Idina menzel as well). Turns out she’s kinda hot and on a TV show you couldn’t pay me to watch. Also, her husband/boyfriend (not sure which) just killed himself. Now, allow me to get dark here but sex with a person who just lost someone could go a few ways. It could be the absolute worst thing ever and involve tears and panic attacks OR it could be someone venting their demons via their orgasms. I’d roll the dice for the latter and hope for the best. If it doesn’t pan out positively, I’d deserve it for being a piece of shit who preys on newly single widows.

Kill: Idina Menzel
I literally had no idea who this was. She’s a broadway actress (who was in “Rent” so, off the bat, SHE’S DEAD TO ME ALREADY) and she currently or used to be with Taye diggs. That knowledge plus a glance at her pictures told me that she was one of those atrocious theater dorks that sings and dances really well but in the corniest way possible. They can’t help it. They’re groomed that way. Whatever the case, that type of person is like my personal kryptonite so , sadly, she’s off the the gallows. I bet she’ll make it super dramatic.

F/M/K: Twitter, Instagram, Phat Friend

Fuck: Instagram
Screen shot 2014-07-31 at 11.54.22 AM
The gram is fun. And this choice works on a few different levels.
For one, the most attractive people are on Instagram. Not only that, but they exist there just to show off how attractive they are. If i was a 12 year old boy, I could jerk of to instagram all day. That’s pretty big. Secondly, as an app, it’s easy going and fun. Sure, I gotta scroll through people’s dumb ass meals and sunsets all the time but it’s a great time waster and usually good for a chuckle at any given moment. In that sense, it’s a great thing to “fuck”. Just peak in, stick your dick in it, and get out.

Marry: Phat Friend
I mean, this is me. I’m not gonna fuck or kill myself. In fact, it’s safe to say I’m already married to this blog, for better or worse. And , Like a real marriage, there are certainly times I wish this blog would just go away. At the time same time, it is one of the only things that gives my life structure so it’s almost necessary. Still, this blog is tied into me tightly so there really is no other option but to marry it…until i kill it, of course.

Kill: Twitter
Screen shot 2014-07-31 at 11.55.32 AM
I like twitter. It’s fun. But, it’s also full of shit. Hell, just this week i put out an album with Marq Spekt and seeing how twitter ad campaigns work is depressing. It’s getting like 20 people with 1000 plus followers to retweet the same thing over and over again. It’s not spam, but it is. I could foresee twitter becoming just that in a few years. Kinda like how Myspace became all ad-bots. Still, like i said, i do fuck with twitter and I don’t really wanna kill it but the other two choices win easily. On the bright side, the world might be a better place if I killed twitter…but where would we all get our news from? Tough life choices, yo.

Rogglecast 19- It’s not okay, Cupid

This week, Pollyne and I look back at some amazing poetry she once received from a crazy person on friendster over a decade ago. It’s the “ultamint Sturggle”. We also take a peak into what is a deal breaker for Pollyne when she’s perusing dating sites. You’ll be surprised to find out, mostly everything. Sorry guys with “wet hair” who “love speaking french too much”.

Oh and here are photo’s of the friendster letters to truly understand the brilliance we’re dealing with. This dudes spelling is my spirit animal.

Oh, and subscribe to this podcast on I-tunes! Simplify your listening pleasure!

“Justplaywitit” by Marq Spekt and I is out Today! Peep it! New Video as well!

It’s been a busy past few years for me as I’ve been getting back into the swing of things working with MC’s. I did a bunch of ep’s and an album with Illogic, an album with Billy Woods, and now, an album with Philly rapper Marq Spekt. It’s called “Justplaywitit” and it comes out today on Hipnott records. I’m really excited for y’all to peep it. Definitely something different from both Spekt and myself.
Here’s all the info you need-
It’s streaming here:

You can get the digital release here:

And, if you’re one of those brave soldiers who still buys physical copies, god bless you and here’s where you can get those:

Last , but not least, here’s the brand new video for the first single, “Sum of it’s parts”. Enjoy!

Oh, and we got a treat for you coming in a week or so. An extra track that features Aesop rock and Open Mike Eagle. Keep an eye out for that!
Also, to people curious about my next solo album, it’s coming. I’m planning on making a announcement when everything is officially solidified (in terms of dates) so, just know, it’s coming soon…

Answers for Questions vol. 197

Shout out to the few people who sent me the above picture this week. It would indeed be a great replacement for my banner pic. I’mma hold on to it for now but, just know, it was appreciated.
How are you guys today? I’m well. I ate chipotle last night for some reason and woke up today legit smelling like barbacoa. Weird. Anyway, this is “Answers for Questions” You know the drill. If you want me to answer anything, send me questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. Keep it interesting and weird. That’s all I ask.
Let’s get into this weeks batch…

How much skin is too much skin to show on the street?
I’d say that entirely depends on the person. I saw a dude walking down the street yesterday with V-neck so deep, it was basically just cloth suspenders. Like, literally, his belly button was almost exposed. I didn’t even know they made them like that. Now, I don’t know if that’s “Too much skin” or not, but it’s definitely a dumb ass shirt.
For ladies, it really depends on how much harassment they’re willing to put up with. You wear tiny shorts and crop top, dudes are gonna be relentless…but if that doesn’t bother you, go for it. I do think some ladies perhaps…umm…misjudge what does and does not look good on their body types sometimes in the summer but, at the same time, if they’re comfortable wearing it, that’s all that matters. Maybe some people love their 4xl muffin tops spilling over the side? Perhaps looking like a slightly opened can of instant biscuit dough is what’s hot in the streets right now? Who knows. Whatever makes you happy.That said, while it is legal for ALL PEOPLE to not wear shirts in public in NYC, that’s one things I feel people should chill with. This isn’t a beach, put a shirt on. Or at least a v-neck that pretends to be a shirt.

Help me out bro, I work near your hood (Houston and Varick St) and I need chill bars to rep, mostly for happy hour.

I can only find super fancy shit or super douchey bro spots like three sheets saloon or off the wagon. I have a very similar personality to you from what I can tell in reading your writing and listening to the Pod. Any recommendations?

To be honest, I don’t really drink on the west side. Occasionally I’ll hit The Rusty Knot on west street but that’s about it. Most places are gonna be douchey, ESPECIALLY for happy hour. Also, it depends what you’re looking for. If you just want a mellow drink, without a bunch of vertically striped shirt pricks there, I’d say just seek out local dive bars. On hudson street, there are a couple. WXOU, Art Bar and this one random bar on Hudson and Commerce that always seems empty but pleasant. If you want to be out around drunk girls with hopes of getting happy hour laid, head over the Automatic slims or Tortilla flats on washington street. They’ll be full of dipshits but also tons of hot girls who drank way too much at 5 pm.
But , if you’re looking for a chill bar with good music, etc…I can’t help you. I generally never day drink, go to happy hour or drink heavily anywhere near where I live. But that has more to do with me not really being a drinker like that. I drink maybe once a week and when I do, it’s cause I went out specifically to drink. I’m all or none with that shit.

On a scale from 0-10, how much do you enjoy popping your own zits?
I don’t enjoy that at all. I don’t get many zits (I’m an adult, you know). But when I do/did, they were brutal ones. Painful boils. Generally around my nose or on my chin. They’d be those type of zits that were under the skin, so popping them just didn’t work most of the time. I pretty much had to let them run their course , until they were finally ready to go, then I’d begrudgingly pop them. Not cause i wanted to but cause I’m that fucking impatient and wanted that thing off my face. But, rest assured, there was no joy in it.
2/10 on the enjoyment scale.

In your Answers for questions 192, there was a question about the word “Faggot” in rap and you answered it in a way that I can agree with (as in it’s not the word itself, but your perception that gives it pain).

My questions are, do you think that is always constant? Like are there any exceptional words?
The reason I ask is because I was listening to MF DOOM’s Take Me To Your Leader (A.K.A. The King Geedora album) the other day and the song “One Smart Nigger” came on. (Here’s a link for that:

Now I’ll stress that I have no problem with this song. I really like DOOM’s work, this album is one of my favorites of his side projects, and I totally agree with what the guy in the vocal sample is saying right before the beat starts. But sometimes I have a hard time letting shit go.

Generally among my friends I’m the token mixed guy, so a lot of my white friends try to let “nigga” pass and I always feel like I have to say something, but usually don’t to save face. One time one of my female friends called our mutual white friend a “nigger” with the hard R, and I was visibly shocked and sorta snapped on her for two minutes. I know she didn’t mean it with offense to me, but it was just weird.

Like there are just different times when “nigga/nigger” offend me personally. Do you see this happen a lot or am I just rambling? Have you ever been in the middle of something like this with any of your black or mixed friends?

I mean, that is the one word that will always be an issue for some people. Even a word like “faggot” doesn’t hold nearly as much weight as nigger/nigga.
As a white dude, I can’t really say when it’s right or wrong to use either version of that word. I’d argue that the “hard r” version is , in general, a bad move. But the “soft a”? That’s up to the individual. I know tons of people who use it and don’t even think about it. When a white person says “nigga” in front of them, they don’t blink , as long as the intent is okay with them. That said, the same white person drops a “hard r” and there would be problems.
I haven’t come across much beef amongst friends over that word (nigga, not nigger cause what civilized person actually says “nigger”?). Maybe it’s my age , location, etc but that word is just is either something someone doesn’t say ever or it’s so engrained in their lexicon that there isn’t even a thought otherwise.
Your situation sound a little different though cause you’re the one non-white person amongst a bunch of whites. It wouldn’t shock me if they had weird preconceived notions about race in general but, most of all, they simply might be ignorant to the power of that word. I’ve definitely been around suburban , basic white people whose understanding of when and how to use those words was bafflingly off point. As the one black guy, you’re allowed to tell them to shut the fuck up and , in general, shut them down on racial matters whenever you feel like it. Someone’s gotta tell them, right?

Hey Blockhead, I gotta TV hypothetical for you. Would you rather live as Louie in “Louie” circa ’08. Or George Costanza in “Seinfeld” circa ’94? I know this a dumb question but humor me

Hmm…My initial reaction was louie but I think I might be off with that. Thing is, Louie had kids, is kinda lonely and generally kind of a mess. While George , as big of a piece of shit as he is, lives a life of freedom and has his group of friends. He just seemed happier socially, regardless of what a lunatic he was outside of that. Not to mention, he always pulled women WAY out of his league. So, I think i gotta go with george. Not to mention, 1994>>>>2008.

what are you going to do in 5 years when hip hop is dead

I’m not so much worried about hip hop being dead (come on, son. You know hip hop will exist forever. It’s as locked in as any genre that exists right now) as I am music being dead in general. I don’t mean that in a sense that people will just be “over” music. I mean that ways to earn money doing it will all dry up eventually. At this point, the last two ways to make any real money making music are touring and song licensing. Song licensing will never die but It’s only a matter of time before some technological break through comes through that figures out a way for people to see ALL live shows for free, thus taking that last chunk of money right out of the artists hands. Streaming video feeds of live music are already pretty popular. If they figured out a way to make that seem bigger and more exciting, it’s a wrap on anyone ever leaving their house again to see a show.
The only bright side to this is that, once all the money has been taken out of music, the only people making it will be people who legitimately love making music. So, in a way, so great music might come out of that. I’ll be broke as a motherfucker though…

Demo Reviews vol. 52

Hi there and welcome to another edition of Demo Reviews. You guys sent me music so i could give you my worthless opinion on it. I am not currently accepting demo submissions so hold your head until I open that up. It’ll be a while so don’t bother asking “when?” right now. “Months” is the best answer I can give you.
Anyway, the reviews work like so:
I listen to the song once, write a paragraph about my feeling towards it and then rate the song from 1-10 in these arbitrary categories:

That’s about it. This weeks batch had some solid moments. I almost feel like, cause I’ve been doing this so long, people are sharpening their game. That’s nice for all of us.

Artist:Burning Bright

This is a tough call for me cause it’s both very well made and executed but got a couple of things that don’t appeal to my personal taste. The beat is well made. The rapper is skilled. It’s even got a good concept. Problem is, I don’t really get into reggae/rap hybrid shit too much and , as solid as he is, the british rap thing still is a speed bump for me. I KNOW I KNOW, I’m a nationalist rap asshole but the heart wants what the heart wants. But, that’s just me and this is clearly a job well done outside of my petty grievances.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:6 out of 10
Listenability:6 out of 10
Originality:5 out of 10

Artist: Aralass
Song: Cloudcatchers

Well damn…this is good. Dope mood, simple yet effective beat with enough other things going on to show it’s not just a lazy jazz loop. The first rapper is dope. The second, not as much but he doesn’t ruin it. Kinda sounds like a nervous Kendrick lamar.
My biggest complaint would be the part between the two verses. Is that a hook? A bridge? Whatever it is, it’s way too long and abrasive , considering the rest of the song. Kinda fucks the flow up a little. In fact, without that part, i’d probably go a number up in each of the ratings.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:6 out of 10
Listenability:6 out of 10
Originality:5 out of 10

Artist: Burn & Loot
Song: Close as kept

Another solid song. What the fuck is going on this week? Weird.
The beat is an interesting mix of electro shit and typical hip hop. I don’t like the drums but it’s well done, otherwise. The rappers are solid. I can’t say either of them would really stand out anywhere but they also wouldn’t ruin a song either.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Grounded astronauts
Song: Jack (Mr. Daniels)

This guy got one of those late 90’s sounding voices that’s almost cartoonish. It’s funny cause he’s like a soft , colorado version of what Ill bill started sounded like.

Anyway, not crazy about him but he says some clever things here and there. As well as a few corny things. It’s a crap shoot.
The beat is fine. I don’t really like it and it’s way more chaotic than it feels at first but it’s not poorly made or anything.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of ten
Originality:4 out of 10

Song:B – Blue

I like the main piano loop, but off the bat , the drums are telling that this is the work of someone who is still starting out. While they have a definitive 90’s feel to them, the sounds themselves are kinda janky. That could be just cause the mix is a little suspect though. Outside of that, this is pretty nice musically though. It’s definitely a throwback tune for sure.
Production:5 out of 10
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
Originality:2 out of 10

Artist: Warren Peace
Song: Egg nog heavy

Eh…This isn’t bad or anything. There’s just nothing drawing me in. The rapper can rap but he sounds asleep and like he’s reading it off paper. The beat is one of those vaguely jazzy, yet moodless piano based joints that seems to get made all the time.I dunno, I just file this under “Just kinda there”. Nothing to be ashamed of though.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: It’s me, Sissy
Song: The one

This sounds like an 80’s song instrumental if it was made with all plug in sounds. Like I can just hear taylor dane singing over it.

Outside of that, it’s pretty one dimensional. The songs doesn’t really go anywhere and relies heavily on that opening riff, that isn’t particularly a good riff to begin with.
Production:4 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: The Dingo
Song:Where I’m headed

Hmm…so this is just a poorly mixed beat or nah? Yeah, that’s what it is. It’s a chopped up loop with some drums and brief break. That’s it. Some rapping on it might help it but, even then, it’s pretty boring. And, most of all, it most certainly isn’t a song. Not even close.
Production:3.5 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist: Soul Define
Song: Keep it moving

This is solid in all facets but, ultimately, just another normal rap song. Every part of it is well done. The rapper is on point but it’s all well covered territory under the “boom bap struggle raps” umbrella. The beat is well done too but it’s a simple loop and drums with heavy primo influences. I feel like this is some shit people who are still excited about breakdancing might be into. It’s that “real hip hop!” shit that I think I’ve grown bored of cause , well, I’ve been hearing it forever. But, like i said, it’s good for what it is, without question.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
Originality:3 out of 10

Artist: Noogat
Song: Breathless

This is one that, from the first note i get the feeling it is not really in my wheelhouse. I was not mistaken. This is some electronic, rumble-y fart music. That said, I feel like it would be good to score a movie or something. I could see people being chased down corridors to this. Not so much to just sit and listen to on it own though.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

So, What do you think?

Rogglecast 18- Brooklyn girls Vs. Judy Tenuta

It’s been a while…since I said I’m sorry!
So, we’re back! after a two week hiatus, the Rogglecast has returned. This week, Pollyne is still a tiny bit drunk from the night before and firing shots all over the place. She and I discuss the vast topic that is “basic bitches” as well as basic people in general. We also get into that abysmal “Brooklyn girls” song that made the internet sad this week.
If you wanna ask questions or give us ideas for stuff to talk about, hit us up at phatfriendblog@gmail.com. Also, download these podcasts from iTunes and subscribe, while you’re there! Do that shit!

This week in ridiculous rap: COMEUPOUTDAWAHTA by Gmcfosho

This is a little different than the typical “Ridiculous rap” I tend to highlight in this column. While it’s possibly the most ridiculous rap ever, it’s also straddling that line of being so weird that it actually might be kinda “good”. Well, Good is a strong work. How bout “entertaining”? Like in a Wesley willis Kinda way.

While I do know the name of the man responsible for this song is Gmcfosho, I don’t know how much he’s kidding. In fact, I don’t know what his intentions were. That’s kinda par for the course for videos like this. As uninformed people watching this , we gotta decide “is this guy a comedic genius/savant or a mentally ill person?”. With the way youtube videos are nowadays, it can be pretty difficult to tell. Watching this, I think it’s clear the guy is in on the joke and the video itself is so wacky that I can’t imagine this is a IcejjFish situation of someone who is just wildly delusional. Aesthetically, This plays right into my wheelhouse cause it looks like something I might have seen on public access in the 90’s. I will always be a sucker for that style of terrible video.
Whatever the case, props to this dude for being as truly strange as he is. I feel like he’s an ode to Kool Keith , Tim & Eric and Lil’ B without even knowing it.