Preview reviews of movies I’ve never seen Vol. 6


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Hi there. Movies are expensive, AMIRITE?!? Sometimes, all you need to see is shown in the trailers. I’d venture to say the majority of movies we see are worse than their previews. So, Instead of wasting two hours and 15 bucks on sitting through some crap I know I’ll hate, I opt to review the trailers. It’s a time saver and, honestly, I have a pretty high success rate with these reviews. I definitely didn’t get “Gravity” right but, come on…who saw that one coming?
Anyway, join me as i talk entirely out of my ass about movies I have never seen.

Horrible bosses 2

Sequels are a curious thing. 95% of the time they’re terrible but , at least, I understand why they exist. The original movie made some people a lot of money so those people wanna cash in again. In the case of things like The Hunger Games or Lord of the rings, it’s makes all the sense in the world. I don’t care about either of those franchises, but I get it. However, comedy sequels are a problem. Right now, I’m sitting here trying to think of a really good comedy sequel. I recall loving Police Academy 3 when I was a kid. Bill and Ted’s second movie was actually better than the first one. Adam’s family values, Naked Gun, Airplane…so, it’s not like they haven’t existed BUT, in general, comedic sequels are the worst. Anyone who’s seen the newest Anchorman can attest to that.
In the case of “horrible bosses”, we have a movie that was pretty wack to begin with, didn’t need a sequel and , honestly, could have just been left alone to become a mild cult favorite for dumb people that plays on Comedy Central 5 times a week. That’s should be “Horrible Bosses” legacy, at best. But, instead, they opted to get the whole cast together and pretty much do the norm for comedy sequels. Follow the exact same formula as the first one , rehashing old jokes and basically giving the consumer exactly what they want…to a fault.
So, depending on where you stand, this could be a perfectly fine movie. If you’re the type who likes to repeat catch phrases from movies all the time, this might be your shit. If you loved “Horrible Bosses” and thought “man, I’d love to watch this again, I just wish it could be done where all the scenery in the first one was subtly changed and the lines were different…but it’s the exact same film”, then this will be a game changer from. Keep in mind, I’m basing this off the trailer but I’d pretty much bet my life on this prediction.

Reach Me

This is like if the makers of the Expendables and Sharknado joined forces. The casting power of the Expendables , getting every character actor from the 90’s and b-list non-star they could find (Nelly! E from Entourage!) crossed with whatever type of cameras they use to make those sci-fi channel movies. I think it’s hand held camcorders but I could be wrong about that. This is an ensemble fucking cast right here. Kevin Bacon not being in this movie is a minor tragedy.
As for the movie itself, I honestly have no clue what’s going on. Seems like one of those “everyone’s got their troubles, can’t we all find a common ground” kinda movies that consist of a lot of people giving knowing looks to one another after someone yelling life advice at them. You know…that kinda movie. Basically, this is like if someone made a movie about shitty advice. Did i mention Nelly is in it? Andelay andelay mami e-iiiiiiiii! What’s poppin’ tonight!

Hercules

Now, I have no intention of seeing this but I’m of the school of thought that The Rock is the perfect action star. I fucking love him. Even though i’m pretty sure hercules was not a samoan/black dude, i think casting him in this gives it the best possible chance to be not terrible. He’s huge, charming, funny and his acting level perfectly fits what roles like this call for. That said, there seems to be a problem with action movies that take place in olden times of armor and chariots. The problem is that they tend to fucking suck. It’s funny that a TV show like “Game of Thrones” came along and knocked it out the park, meanwhile, all these types of fantasy/action movies seem to suffer from the same bullshit. Corny effects, terrible scripts and, most of all, lead actors that can’t carry the movie. While I’m pretty sure this will follow suit in the first two departments , at least I know the Rock will do his best to make this watchable.

Let’s be honest. What people wanna see , with movies like this ,is action , cool special effects and violence. That’s it. In general, action movies are best when they trim the fat (love stories, emotional plot lines) and just go hard in the paint. Take the recent judge Dread remake. It was literally an hour and half of violence and it was fucking awesome. How much better would every Godzilla type movie be if it began with the attack and ended with the creature being killed (or whatever). All the dumb backstory doesn’t matter. No one cares why. We just wanna see crazy shit happen in a visually stimulating way. That said, This movie is probably rated PG-13 so it doesn’t even have a chance but, goddamnit, I’m still rooting for the Rock.

Get on up
Jimi: All is by my side



Here’s a two for one. Two music biopics coming out soon. In one, we have the guy who played Jackie Robinson playing James Brown (Dude has the biopic game on lock, dun). The other , we have Andre 3000 playing Jimi Hendrix.
Now, I have a funny relationship with musician Biopics. I’ll watch any of them (on Tv) but I generally think they’re terrible movies. Cadillac Records, ray, Walk the line…all watchable but, overall, crappy movies. I think it’s hard to make a movie about someone who was so revered without falling into common traps. The “roller coaster ride of a life” story is one that comes up in every one cause, well, that’s how they lived. Ups and down. It’s not like the film director and writers is gonna skip all that. They can’t. So, it not their fault. These moves are set up to be corny. Even when they end in tragedy, heartstrings are getting pulled in a manipulative way. This is fine and all but I think my issue is that, when making a movie about a music legend, they tend to do it with kid gloves. Sure, they’ll show them during the bad times, strung out on drugs and cheating on their wives. But, outside of that, they’re fucking saints. i know it’s a lot to ask for and it would be disrespectful to the families but, just once, i’d like to see a biopic where they portrayed the star like the asshole he was. Let’s be honest, musicians are some of the most selfish and self centered people on earth. Let’s see that expressed on the big screen! I bet they could make a movie about Ty cobb’s life and they’d still find a way to make it sentimental. Just once, I want a famous talented person to die in a movie about them and feel like “You know what? It was his time to go…fuck that guy…”
In the case of these two movies, The james brown one seems more interesting to me. Simply cause I’m more curious about his come up. Also, unlike the Jimi Hendrix movie, they got the right to use his music in their film which is gonna make a huge difference. Meanwhile, the Jimi movie is gonna have clips of him performing weird versions of songs they couldn’t get the licensing for. Hits such as “Purple hanes” , “Foxy woman” and “all along the seetower”. And , listen, Andre 3000 is a fantastic rapper. We all love him. But he’s not a good actor. He might one day be one, but just from the clips in this trailer, it’s clear he’s not there yet. I know we’re all programmed to love everything that dude does (for good reason, he’s unbelievably talented) but acting is not one of his gifts.
While, it sounds like I’m shitting on these movies, rest assured, i will watch them on cable. Over and over again. I think i’ve seen “Ray” like 15 times by now. I’m a sucker for music based movies. The key word there is “Sucker” though.

21 thoughts on “Preview reviews of movies I’ve never seen Vol. 6

  1. Your comment about Bill and Ted’s is outrageous. Totally negates all your other points…nah, you’re on point with every thing else. But Excellent Adventure >>>>>>> Bogus Journey all day dun dun.

    • I disagree. i like Adventure a lot but Bogus Journey is the shit. The whole interaction with death>>>>>>
      I’ll also add that Gremilins 2>>>> Gremlins
      Love them both but two is fucking amazing.

  2. Yay, Ive been waiting for one of these. But has Pollyne been too ashamed of her brazilianess to do a podcast these days?

      • That seemed like a bit of a snarky answer but, I guess merited because every time you miss a week I ask you this aha

      • The snark levels were high with that one. I mean, I shouldn’t even be that way cause it’s nice anyone wants to listen to the podcast. But, i figure, if there’s anyone who can deal with snark, it’s you.

  3. I remember that Oliver stone doors movie seemed to portray Jim Morrison as a screaming misogynistic doucheturd pretty well. I remember thinking, fuck this guy a lot during it

    • I forgot that movie (not that it existed, but anything about it). But, it would be telling of Jim Morrison’s douche baggedness if even a a movie made to honor him made him look like a dickhead.

  4. Val Kilmer in The Doors: pretty good music biopic and he came off as (mostly) an egotistical asshole. Not too much sugar-coating.

  5. Fuck yeah, Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey is better than first. Love that movie way more than I should. Have you checked out Bill S Preston’s documentary downloaded? Guy is actually quite intelligent in real life.

  6. I agree about the Rock. He’s the best. He was the only bright spot in Pain and Gain and he absolutely kills it in the Rundown.

  7. I couldn’t agree more with your assessment of these films. I, too, am a big Rock fan, but it would’ve been so much more promising with an R -rating. It worked wonders for Macgruber. This all being said, and its unrelated to these films, but have you had the chance to see Enemy with Jake Gyllenhaal? I hope you have, and I would love to hear your thoughts. If you have yet to experience this film, then take 90 minutes of your time, view it, absorb it, analyze it, and please get back to me. Thanks, and you’re welcome, in advance.

      • I thought it was a good flick. Jake was a beast in it. But it had either the best ending ever, or the worst. I’m still torn on this matter. From what I’ve read of your reviews and blogs and what-not, you and I seem to have similar taste in “film art”, if you will. So yeah, watch it because its good (mostly?) and shit all over it if you feel that’s necessary. I’d just like to hear what you feel after watching it from beginning to its fantastic/god-awful conclusion.

      • The end of Enemy made me exclaim “what the fuck!” accidentally out loud, on a plane.

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