Welcome to another soul stirring edition of “Fuck/marry/Kill”. Yup, it’s exactly what is sounds like. You guys sent me options, I give you my take on them. As always, I feel the need to preface this column with “It’s not at all serious so please don’t take offense to it”. The only reason I don’t do options with men is cause , in the end, I want to fuck them all the exact same amount- not at all. Know what I mean?
If you got an inventive fuck/marry/kill ideas, leave them in the comments below. Feel free to go outside the box cause I’ve exhausted most of the other choices (Katy perry, madonna, lady gaga etc…)
Anyway, here are this weeks choices.
F/M/K: The plastic edition: Heidi Montag, Coco, Courtney Stodden
I figure, is she’s good enough for Ice-T, she’s certainly good enough for me.
Coco is one of those freak of nature people who’s body doesn’t make sense at all. While I’m sure she’s had a fair amount of work done to her chest, her ass is actually all natural. How do I know? Well, I’ve seen her in person. In real life, she’s much more compact and squat than she seems in pictures. She kinda reminds me of an old He-Man character “Ram Man“. Hearing that description you may be thinking “Than why would you marry her?” well, cause she seems nice and is, by far, the least insane of the three. At her worst, she’s a little corny and basic. I’ll take that over clinically insane any day.
Fuck: Hiedi Montag
As clown like as she has gotten, there was a small period where the plastic surgery actually kinda worked for her. Sure, her face looked weird (it always did though) and her breasts were comical but , outside of that, she had her body in a good, albeit completely unrealistic place. It should also be noted (and then quickly forgotten) that I was someone who watched “The hills”. If anything, that little tidbit of knowledge should lessen how seriously anyone should take this column by leaps and bounds. But, yeah, Hiedi was a nut case but she was kinda hot in a plastic person that doesn’t exist in real life/porn star kinda way.
Kill: Courtney Stodden
I mean,does this even need explaining? I feel like, if you’re a dude who is really into Courtney Stodden, you either have serious issues upon serious issues or blonde people don’t exist in your country. She was a child bride at age 15 to a dude in late 40’s. She had her first boob job before she was 16. She also played the devout religion card , all while dressing like how a 7 year old child with sexual abuse history probably imagines a “glamourous sex worker”. All that said, her parents are really the ones I should be killing but they weren’t in this equation, so it’s gotta be her. Even outside of all this awful stuff, her lust for fame is depressing and it’s only a matter of time before she’s in a porn. I mean, it could be literally any day now. And , trust me, it will be grosser than a murder.
F/M/K: cracker edition. Saltines, Ritz, and Keebler Club crackers.
Kill: Keebler Club Crackers
I honestly don’t know who these things exist for. They’re like a shittier hybrid of saltines and ritz. It’s like, people are out getting groceries and come across the cracker aisle like “Hmm…I need to get a cracker that no one will ever want to eat but that i can dump on people I have over for drinks if i just cover them with some bullshit cheese….”
That should be the slogan for Club Crackers “When you need to get rid of some bullshit cheese and you don’t respect your guests…Club crackers”.
Good old, boring, reliable saltines. They are as basic as a cracker gets…but they win cause I love salt. No fancy herbs or spices here. Just a bland ass cracker with some salt on top. Works for me! I feel like, in marriage, if you go with extremes, it will eventually either blow up in your face or that thing you once loved will become the thing you hate the most about that person. By choosing saltines, I’m playing it safe. Sure, it wouldn’t be a thrill ride to marry Saltines, but it will be nothing if not steady. The only thing i have to remember is to never try and eat a bunch of them with no beverage, cause that’s impossible.
I never loved Ritz really. Like most crackers, they’re at their best when smothered in other things. Peanut butter, cheese, even some hummus. But, for this challenge, they’d be great for a one off. To be honest, Ritz is probably the most versatile of the three crackers but, I dunno…They never really touched my soul like Saltines did. It’s funny cause, on paper, Ritz should win. They’re buttery. I love butter! They’re salty. I’m bout that salt life. But, I dunno…i never loved the consistency of them. Just a personal preference I suppose.
To be honest, if the Club crackers had been replaced by Triscuits, I would killed these ritz pretty quickly. Triscuits go hard.
F/M/K: Idina Menzel, Lea Michele, Lizzy Caplan
Marry: Lizzy Kaplan
I would literally marry her. It’s not even a game, son! She’s the best. Not only is she hot, funny and talented but she also has one of the craziest bodies ever. BIG FAN. As I’ve noted many times in F/M/K, my soft spot for jewish girls runs deep. Especially NYC jew types. It’s like high school all over again. This was the easiest choice of the week by a landslide.
Fuck: Lea Michele
I kinda know who she is but definitely had to google her (and Idina menzel as well). Turns out she’s kinda hot and on a TV show you couldn’t pay me to watch. Also, her husband/boyfriend (not sure which) just killed himself. Now, allow me to get dark here but sex with a person who just lost someone could go a few ways. It could be the absolute worst thing ever and involve tears and panic attacks OR it could be someone venting their demons via their orgasms. I’d roll the dice for the latter and hope for the best. If it doesn’t pan out positively, I’d deserve it for being a piece of shit who preys on newly single widows.
Kill: Idina Menzel
I literally had no idea who this was. She’s a broadway actress (who was in “Rent” so, off the bat, SHE’S DEAD TO ME ALREADY) and she currently or used to be with Taye diggs. That knowledge plus a glance at her pictures told me that she was one of those atrocious theater dorks that sings and dances really well but in the corniest way possible. They can’t help it. They’re groomed that way. Whatever the case, that type of person is like my personal kryptonite so , sadly, she’s off the the gallows. I bet she’ll make it super dramatic.
F/M/K: Twitter, Instagram, Phat Friend
The gram is fun. And this choice works on a few different levels.
For one, the most attractive people are on Instagram. Not only that, but they exist there just to show off how attractive they are. If i was a 12 year old boy, I could jerk of to instagram all day. That’s pretty big. Secondly, as an app, it’s easy going and fun. Sure, I gotta scroll through people’s dumb ass meals and sunsets all the time but it’s a great time waster and usually good for a chuckle at any given moment. In that sense, it’s a great thing to “fuck”. Just peak in, stick your dick in it, and get out.
Marry: Phat Friend
I mean, this is me. I’m not gonna fuck or kill myself. In fact, it’s safe to say I’m already married to this blog, for better or worse. And , Like a real marriage, there are certainly times I wish this blog would just go away. At the time same time, it is one of the only things that gives my life structure so it’s almost necessary. Still, this blog is tied into me tightly so there really is no other option but to marry it…until i kill it, of course.
I like twitter. It’s fun. But, it’s also full of shit. Hell, just this week i put out an album with Marq Spekt and seeing how twitter ad campaigns work is depressing. It’s getting like 20 people with 1000 plus followers to retweet the same thing over and over again. It’s not spam, but it is. I could foresee twitter becoming just that in a few years. Kinda like how Myspace became all ad-bots. Still, like i said, i do fuck with twitter and I don’t really wanna kill it but the other two choices win easily. On the bright side, the world might be a better place if I killed twitter…but where would we all get our news from? Tough life choices, yo.