Ask Dr. Tony vol. 38


peanuts-doctor-is-in1
Oh hello there. Welcome to another edition of “Ask Dr. Tony”. While my name is Tony, I am not actually a doctor. In fact, i dropped out of college after one year and never looked back. That said, though my qualifications are shady at best, i do think I give good honest advice. Especially to strangers that I have no emotional connection to whatsoever. I got no reason to lie to you or blow smoke up your ass. Might as well be brutally honest. So, if you want some advice (Life, love or other), send me a question. I’d love to try and help you see the light. Email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. it’s all anonymous so don’t worry about exposing yourself. No one knows you, it’s the internet.
Let’s see what was in the mail bag this week…

I recently got back together with an ex and could use your input.

Obviously, you’re not a fan. I didn’t think I was either. However, I realized that I do still have feelings for this guy and he never really stopped trying to get me back for the two years that we were apart (together 4 years before that). Before we broken up he had gotten me a ring (that I didn’t know about) and he would always say that it’s here waiting for me and that he cried every day for months when we broke up. We were best friends and it definitely sucked to be apart, although necessary. I’m proud of him for getting his life together, considering him having a dead-end job, etc and me moving for an awesome job was the cause of our demise. We’ve both matured a lot of made some positive life changes.

So far things are going well but I am having a lot of insecurity over the fact that while, yes, he kept in contact with me, he did have two other girlfriends. Both of which he broke up with to try to talk to me again. Obviously, the dude is hardcore crazy about me and is going above and beyond to prove that now that we are back together. I love him. My insecurity comes from the fact that while I dated around in the past 2 years, I never had a boyfriend. He actually did have these other relationships and I’m having a hard time not feeling jealous over them, even though I know I shouldn’t.

I made the mistake of Facebook creeping on them and being a typical girl, I felt pretty shitty comparing myself to them even though it’s apparent that my boyfriend wants me over anyone else. That’s part of why I decided to give him another chance, no one has ever pursued me on the level that he has. These girls were pretty though and he obviously liked them for at least a couple months. Reading their stupid posts about spending time with him was gut-wrenching. I’m aware of how dumb it was to find them on Facebook but it definitely proved that I still care deeply about this guy.

We’ve definitely talked about how in order to make this work, we both have to let go of the past. I agree, and I can forgive him for the mistakes he made in our previous relationship…but him pursuing me now (and even then) while he had two other short relationships kinda irks me.

Also, when I was dating around I had some pretty crappy experiences with guys who I liked but never liked me back on the same level. I was hurt in those situations and I find myself a little bit insecure from that, too, and basically I’m just completely overwhelmed with shitty thoughts, mostly about myself, even though this guy is being totally amazing to me now.

I honestly never thought I’d get back together with him but we ran into eachother at a store one day and haven’t stopped talking since. We’ve been “official” again for only a week though. I spent a lot of time getting over him (even though I was the one who initiated the break-up), having fun doing the single thing, did a lot of great things for myself career-wise, but I constantly felt more and more lonely, which led me to feel shitty about myself as well.

For the record, I do see a therapist now, for the past like 6 months because I realized how negative I can be towards myself.

My questions for you are:

Is this relationship worth pursuing, in your opinion? Am I crazy for liking my ex again? haha
How do I get past being insecure and jealous of his exs?

And do you think this sorta overwhelming feeling will pass? We’ve only been back together for a week.

Hmm..Could you perhaps write maybe 15 more paragraphs about this? Cause I don’t think this novella quite covered it. Just kidding but, goddamn…this is a long ass question.
Before I even answer your questions specifically, I just wanna point out that it sounds like, even though you broke up on agreed terms you’re butthurt over the fact that he was better at being single than you. He had two girlfriends and you only dealt with dickheads. But , keep in mind, you can’t gauge peoples relationship successes by what’s written on facebook walls. In fact, I’d argue that people who post corn ball lovey dovey shit on their facebook walls about new relationships are incredibly insecure. If the relationship was that good, you wouldn’t have time to post that stuff. You’d be too busy being happy and having tons of sex with that person. Now, as for your questions…
Is this relationship worth pursuing, in your opinion? Am I crazy for liking my ex again? haha
I’m normally anti-get back together with ex’s but , in this case, it seems the reason you guys broke up was not a rift as much as you moved. For that reason, i don’t see why you can’t be back with this dude.

How do I get past being insecure and jealous of his exs?
No offense but it sounds to me like this insecurity you have is deeper than just his ex’s. I’m willing to bet, when you were single, dudes sniffed that out and walked all over you. Thus your tough time as a single lady. There is no one thing you can do to get past being insecure and jealous. In both cases, you know it’s not the right thing to feel but that doesn’t make it just go away. It’s just how you feel. I would hope, one day, that you will just realize that there is no point to being jealous of his life as a single guy after you broke up. He didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, it sounds to me like he may be a needy dude who always needs a girlfriend. Regardless, what he did post your break up has nothing to do with how he feels about you. Clearly, the dude is on your jock again. Like I said, i smell wafts of a “needy/i can’t be single” kinda guy but it doesn’t matter. If you let these things that are so out of your control have an effect on you, you’ll never feel okay. Sometimes you just gotta accept what happened and let it go. If it’s too much for you to handle, then it’s not gonna work. But, just a warning, every guy you ever date will have a history that could make you insecure and jealous, if you let it.
And do you think this sorta overwhelming feeling will pass? We’ve only been back together for a week.
I would hope it will pass. That’s really on you. The way I see it, if you’re actually happy to be back with guy, you guys should be on cloud 9 right now. Especially cause it’s like a new relationship all over again. But if you’re sitting around feeling shitty about it and questioning everything and it’s only been a week? Good luck with all that. It’s only gonna get worse.

I’ve been listening to your music since the myspace days and reading your posts in the def jux site, etc and it seems like during your 20’s you were trying to figure everything out (music and life) and in your 30’s you got established, wifed up…

I don’t know you personally so I might be completely wrong, but it seems like I’m in a similar timeline. I’m in my late 20’s now and I’m also an artist, I enjoy my freedom, etc… I’ve been in relationships but I feel like I want to get my career working and other things cleared (taxes? shittt), before starting a serious relationship again and the rest of other things that other of my friends are already into, which sometimes makes me think that I should be also doing those things before it’s too late? I’m literally the only non wifed-up in my group of friends

How was it for you? It just happened to be like this or was it a decision that you perhaps made unconsciously? Because nobody wants to be that dude on his 40’s getting maaad drunk on a tuesday night and getting laid or not (oh, wait…)

I’d say it was a little of both. When I hit 30 I started feeling like “hmm…I should probably look to settle down a little”. I didn’t mean getting married (I’m still not married) but just kinda start being an adult for real. That said, it’s not like I was looking to wife up any girl I could stick my dick in. I definitely happened to meet the right girl and the timing was coincidental. I could have easily never met her and remained single for years after that feeling that same “I should settle down” itch. For better or worse. But, I can’t lie, there was a bug in the back of my mind subtly reminding me that I’m not 21 anymore.
That said, looking at it now, 30 seems young as shit and I honestly don’t think anyone should rush into anything unless it’s what they want.
I feel as though the pressure for men to settle down and have kids is less now than it ever was. In the minds of men, that is. Especially in big cities where there are endless single women. I can feel a difference in that pressure between now and 10 years ago. It’s like the desire to nest for men has been ruined by internet porn or something. This is actually terrible news for women in the same age range cause it fucks up to balance. Now you got tons of single girls in their mid 30’s looking for a good guy but every dude their age is either wifed up or terrified of them cause they don’t wanna be that serious and they can smell the desperation on a typical single 35 year old girl who clearly just wants to get married as soon as possible. It’s actually kind of a problem. Even worse is when guys just assume every girl they meet over the age of 30 is trying o get married and they won’t even let a casual relationship breath because of those fears. It’s really a lose/lose for all the single girls out there. It’s cold world!

I’m 24 and recently moved in with my lovely gf. I was producing and experimenting with samples, soft synths, drum loops, jamming with strangers (I’m new to my current city) etc.. before we moved in. Now that we live together it seems that almost 90% of that time has been spent on mundane errands or just plain mental and physical exhaustion. I mean, I never went to the grocery store twice a week or had to pick up birth control with the lady before, and now it seems that once i leave my menial paying 9-5, I can’t quite fit in my personal time unless it’s scheduled days in advance. My question: how does one balance adulthood with the current hopes and dreams their youth?

Living with someone is all about compromise. You’re going to have to do shit you don’t wanna do…all the time. That said, how much can one really go to the grocery store for it to be enough to feel like it’s taking all your time? That doesn’t even make sense.
Errands are errands. They don’t take that long. As for the mental and physical exhaustion, I’m not clear on where that’s coming from. you said you quit your menial job so, i assume you mean that dealing with your girlfriend is so tiring, you don’t have time for yourself? If so, guess what? You either have a shitty girlfriend or you’re a pussy. Either way, having time to yourself in crucial to any relationship. Moving in with someone should not mean that your life and desires to live a fulfilling life suddenly no longer exist. Perhaps you can talk to her about this. Explain that you need to have time every week to be creative. I can’t imagine any person , who’s not an asshole or crazy, not respecting that. I don’t know how big/small your place is but surely you can go in a room somewhere, shut the door and make music. If even doing that is a issue within your relationship, you’re in for a nightmare. I feel as though the ability to be apart from each other happily is just as important as how you get along when you’re together. Both are necessities to a healthy relationship.
So, basically, it’s on you to find time to do what you want to do. You’re 24. Adulthood’s pretty fucking new to you (honestly, I’d advise against any 24 year old living with their significant other, but that’s a different question). at 24, “dreams of youth” are still in effect. You’re still very young. Talk to me in ten years. If you’re still twiddling knobs and making bedroom music that no ones heard or cares about at age 34, then it might be time to reevaluate how you spend your free time. But now? this is when you do that and figure that shit out.

I got a trivial question for you, Block, however it involves Crocs, so you know, not so trivial after all.

Me and the girlfriend are going on vacation this september. We want hot weather, the sun, the sea and shit like that. The place that looks like the best deal for us is all good, however the beaches there are apparently pretty damn rocky. Since we both want to go to the sea and not just sit near the pool like all these fat tourist slobs that never leave the hotel, this presents a problem. In past years I’ve been on a few rocky beaches and going through all these fuckin rocks every time you want to swim is kind of a pain in the ass, especially with waves crashing on you when you try to find your footing and not look like an idiot or fall on all these rocks and shit. The few reviews I read on this place advises some swimming footwear. In the past I tried flip flops (I only wore them in the hotel room or on the beach, never on the stret), but these are kind of really unreliable in the sea and you can lose these fuckers easily when a wave catches you.

So for the first time in my non-Crocs wearing life, I am considering buying shitty, cheap Crocs-type of things for the sole purpose of commuting from the beach to the sea. Obviously, I am very conflicted. Crocs are embarassing and shitty and make you look like an idiot, but at the same time so does falling on some rocks or walking like you’ve just learned to make your first steps when you submerge/emerge in/from the sea. Everything else about that vacation deal is great, so I don’t plan to go anywhere else, but I find myself in a comfort vs bad looks kind of situation.

If you were in my predicament, what would YOU do? Would you just do what I usually did and stumble your way into the sea like an idiot, or would you say “fuck what anybody thinks, Crocs seem to be the best solution for my problem”? Would you recommend me some other cheapass “beach footwear” that I am unaware of but would work better? HELP ME.

Listen, I’m the biggest asshole on earth when it comes to judging people for their open toed shoe game. This has been established. That said, I’m not hitler. Crocs exist for a reason. They’re comfortable (so, I’ve been told) and can be worn in certain situations, guilt free. No one rocks crocs cause they think they look dope. They wear them cause of how they feel.
You’re going on vacation. Vacation is all about saying “Fuck everyone, I’m chilling”. What better time to buy a pair of terrible looking shoes and wear them in a foreign country like “WHO CARES!?!?!”? ESPECIALLY if you plan to only wear them to and from the beach. That’s literally the best use one could ever have for crocs (on duty nurse’s excluded). So, have no shame. Buy those atrocities. Wear them with pride. No one can judge you for that. Just make sure to never ever wear them out socially when you get home.

7 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Tony vol. 38

    • Young might be a stretch but I think people thinking 30 is old and a time when “it’s now or never to get your entire life together!” is a bit heavy handed. I do think certain levels of maturity should be reached by then but things like marriage and kids? Too many people force that issue and end up miserable and divorced.

    • Not saying people should ever stop making music at any age but if you’re trying to make a career happen (especially one in making beats) and it hasn’t taken off at all by 34, it’s not gonna happen. You can make tracks for the love of the game forever though. Just don’t quit your day job.

      • No yeah, I haven’t been trying to make a career out of it, just fucking aboot. Although as of recent I have gotten super motivated and have been learning the shit out of ableton. Here’s a question for the next Answers: Seeing as you’ve opened the floodgates to the bedroom producers with your Demo tape review, what are some common pitfalls or mistakes or just n00b-ass tendencies that the learning producer tends to make? How can one sharpen his or her ear to the sounds of n00bishness? Like personally myself, I tend to make these grand compositions but all my base instruments are stock, untweaked and just overall weak… thus it makes my final product sound weak and unpolished. I also arpeggiate a lot, I think I’m Chopin or some shit I dunno. I’ll submit something to the Demo reviews soon. Oh yeah, the question ended a few sentences back.

  1. “and now it seems that once i leave my menial paying 9-5”
    I think by this, the guy meant “once I get home from work,” not “I’m quitting my day job”. I believe he is saying that his job, combined with all of the errands, are consuming all of his time.
    Just thought that would make his situation make a little more sense.

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