Preview reviews of movies I’ve never seen vol. 7

I love movies. At the same time, I don’t have the time or the desire to see about 99% of what comes out. When that’s the case, I like to take the “read a book by its cover” approach to life and simply judge the movie entirely by it’s preview. It’s a huge time saver and I’ve rarely been wrong. I mean, it happens but that’s what cable is for.
So, here are some reviews of movies I have never seen based on the two and half minute trailer. Sweeping generalizations…get familiar.

Dolphin Tale 2

The streets were asking for a sequel and hollywood obliged. Now, I never saw the first one cause I’m an adult with no kids but I think this is about a dolphin with a bionic tail. He’s like the Oscar Pistorius of dolphins, minus the murder. From the looks of the preview, this movies delves deep into the problem of dolphin depression. Something I feel we all should not take lightly. In fact, I may start a “Dolphin sperm” challenge to raise awareness. This is a challenge where you drink a shot glass full of dolphin spunk or simply donate money to the “Frowning flipper foundation”. It’s your choice but, you know what? It’s for a seriously good cause, guys.
Oh, yeah, so this movie…Looks to me like a drawn out story of how a bunch of people got two dolphins to fuck each other. I suppose that makes it a romance? Either way, I wouldn’t let my hypothetical kid watch this kind of aqua-smut.
Side note, you know you’re dealing with a kids movie when serious things are happening and , somehow, children are involved in the process. Like that little boy and girl have a say about anything involving this fucking dolphin. Come on! When I see a coming of age dolphin movie for 8 year old, all i ask is for some realism!

A walk among the tombstones

I’m not much of a reader. I’m not illiterate but I might as well be. So, when i see a movie like this and how it’s “based on a best selling novel” , for some reason, it bugs me out. It so clearly seems like a movie that was just an original screenplay and nothing else. Basic revenge action movie. But then I think “Whoa, someone actually wrote a book about Liam Neeson doing what Liam Neeson does in every movie he’s in. What are the chances?”
Here’s the thing, I’ll watch this movie. I loved “Taken”. We all loved “Taken”. So much ,in fact, that Neeson has pretty much stopped doing any roles that don’t consist of hunting other people down and killing them out of revenge or civic duty. That’s his pocket and he is the best at it. It’s a very specific market to corner but, hey, let that boy cook. He’s 50 something and pretty much the most feared man in movies. I hope when I’m that age I can still play basketball, let alone murder an entire albanian death squad with one gun and a few jujitsu moves. He’s like the adult contemporary version of “The Rock” and , as a person drifting into middle age, that’s something I can get behind.

Into the Storm

I can see the executives mulling over this script saying
“Check it out, bad weather is a reality, fellas…how bout we make the bad weather movie to end all bad weather movies?”
Then another guy responds “You mean like “Twister”?”
“Yeah, just like “Twister” but with a dash of “The day after tomorrow” just to spice it up!”
“Perfect. here’s a billion dollars. Let’s do this!”
My beef with weather based movies is that there is no villain. You can’t beat weather.I suppose that’s the point but I just don’t give a fuck to see 4 unlikable people who happened to survive tornado-geddon via out smarting weather.
When you think about it, as Americans, there are a few things that really scare us on a national level. The idea of a crazy virus spreading, terrorist attacks and natural disasters. I know how movies like this play off those fears but this is fucking ridiculous. There was a fire tornado! A FIRE TORNADO, DUDE!!!! That’s some Sci-fi network shit. I imagine, in the near future, there will be a movie about a hurricane that also has full blown AIDS. It’s will be one motherfucker of a storm!
It should also be noted that storm chasers are crazy people. I applaud their balls but that’s step above being a lava taster, as far as jobs i’d want to look into.

50 Shades of grey

Holy shit is my pussy wet right now.
I’ve been vaguely following this movies creation and it’s been entertaining. Lots of people not wanting to be in it. Like b-list motherfuckers who would probably be on a TBS sitcom but were like “50 shades of grey? Nah, I’m good on that”.
Obviously, i didn’t read the book but, from what I hear it’s a fabio type romance novel written for desperate lonely moms but with more whips and butt play. As a book, that’s fine. Read it while your shitty husband sleeps and fantasize that some hunky bro is giving you analingus. I get that. But, as a movie? You realize that Cinemax pretty much has a movie just like this playing at 2 in the afternoon on any given day. This is soft core porn for moms. 22 year olds ain’t trying to go see this shit in the theaters. I almost wanna go see this in the theaters myself just to witness the crowd. A whole bunch of sewing circles , sneaking wine into the theaters, wearing an extra pair of underwear…just in case things get steamy. That made me a little nauseous. Sorry.
Clearly, I’m not the target audience for this but I can only hope my mom isn’t either.

6 thoughts on “Preview reviews of movies I’ve never seen vol. 7

  1. Actually bro, plenty of 22 year old girls will go see 50 shades. I used to hate on the book on some ‘making something mainstream that isn’t really supposed to be shit’ but whatever if it opens up a dialogue that brings more junior execs into my bedroom, I’m all about it. BUT, the movie itself,, lame.

    • I haven’t me a single person under the age of 35 who would ever see that movie and a bunch of them read the book (and loathed it). What’s the selling point for that movie to twenty somethings?

      • It’s safe. Kink is on the increase due to internet porn. Mainly, most guys are doing it wrong.

      • Feel like I need to point out the book is still lame, because as you said “it’s a fabio type romance novel”.

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