Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 39


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Hello there and welcome to another edition of “Ask Dr. Tony”. This is where you ask me for advice. Why? No clue. I’m not a licensed anything and have no background in this sort of thing. However, I am someone who will be honest and give you an opinion or advice without
any agenda. I don’t know you or your girl or your friends. All i know is the words you send me. I’m here to help. Well, as much as a stranger on the internet possibly can via an advice column on his blog.
You need any life guidance? Don’t hesitate to ask. Send me questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. Don’t be shy. This is all anonymous. I promise to never blow up spots in here. That would defeat the purpose.
Anyway, lets check this installments batch out. Let’s fix lives, guys!

So there’s a girl who I asked out about 3 months ago. She has similar interests as me and we went out (basically a walk tru the woods.) We just talked and such. I later asked her out to lunch and same thing. Again I ask her out to lunch and 30 mintues after the time she texts me to say she didn’t have her phone on her and had to stay after work. She then rescheduled same time next week. So we meet and talk, etc. At this point I feel like shes not the slightest bit interested and havent talked to her since. I don’t know if thats the case or not because she is incredibly shy. She never contacted me outside of of the times I contacted her. Im still interested in her, but I don’t want to bother if she shes not interested. Any thoughts or suggestions?

Sounds to me like she’s not feeling you, bro. If she’s shy, she’s also probably very nice which means she’s not trying to hurt anyones feelings. So, when she’s accepting date offers (even creepy walks through the woods) she’s most likely doing so cause she’d rather not let you down and come off as rude. At least in person.
One simple thing I’ve learned about gauging another persons interest is that if they want to see you, they will see you. They will make time. They will return texts and calls. They will , regardless of schedule , find a way to make it happen cause they truly want to be around you. People are busy…but very few people are THAT busy. You can always tell a relationship is coming to an end when one person all of a sudden becomes super “Busy” and they no longer can make time for you. That’s just them creating distance and leading into you two having a talk about how this isn’t working out. Depending on level of cowardice, this could last anywhere from a week to a year.
In your case, you didn’t even get to that part. She went on that date, wasn’t into it and that’s that. So, if I were you, I’d drop this one completely and keep it moving.

Hey Block,
Here’s my dilemma, I met a girl on a plane last month and a couple weeks after that she came to visit me. We had a great time together even though we only saw each other for less than 24 hours. (I like her as well) We still talk every day and she’s expressed how much she likes me several times. She plans on visiting again in a month. She lives in Hawaii and will be returning to school in Sweden where she still has another year or two left.

Two weeks ago I met a local girl and I’ve taken her on a few dates and we hit it off pretty well, she’s not nearly as attractive as the Hawaii girl but we have a lot in common and its convenient. We made out on the second date, but when I invited her to my place she refused and wanted to take it slow.

I don’t really want to take it slow with the local girl (I’m not a relationship type person at all) but I also would like to stay in touch with her after the girl from Hawaii visits in a month.

I’m not really sure how to move forward with all this, I kind of feel bad about hooking up with another girl while the girl in Hawaii is really into me, but at the same time we’re not in a committed relationship.
Should I be upfront with the local girl next time I see her and tell her I’m not in this for a relationship? Or let this ride out to see where it goes?
Am I an asshole for leading two girls on?

Unless you’re leaving certain details out, I wouldn’t say you’re leading either of these girls on. You’re a single guy being single. You’re “dating”. In the case of the hawaiian girl, you don’t really have to explain anything to her. She’s a girl you could never date seriously, due to distance, so all you gotta do with her is be cool and see her when you see her. She definitely doesn’t need to know about any other girl. With her, it should all be about fun. For both of you. When you hit it off with someone who is an impossibility, it’s almost like having the best parts of a new relationship without all the pressure and expectations. Just ride that out and enjoy it for what it is.
As for the Local girl, yes, you should tell you’re not into being in a relationship. You should do that with EVERY girl you date if you’re gonna be one of those guys. Especially if she’s already asking about it. Clearly, she is asking for a reason. If you lead her on, you’re a liar. Back in the days of yore, when I was single and not looking for anything serious, I was always very clear about my intentions. It may seem harsh but it made my life exponentially easier. Sure, it meant i didn’t get to have sex with a girl here and there but those are the breaks when you’re a single guy not looking for anything serious. If the girl isn’t down for that, you can’t trick them into it just so you can bust a few nuts. Eventually, the shit will hit the fan when you toy with peoples emotions.
Side note about this, this reminds me of a situation I had in college. There was this girl I hooked up with the last week of school. I had a huge crush on her and pretty much spent the latter year of my freshman year chasing her. So, as the school year ended, I headed into my summer pretty happy we hooked up. Problem was, she lived like 7 hours away. But there were plans to meet over the summer. At this point, I had already dropped out of school and knew I wasn’t going back so, even though I was excited to see her, I also was crazy to think it would become anything more than casual. Still, I was 18 and 18 years olds aren’t exactly logical when it comes to their emotions. That summer, I was working at a record store and one of my co-workers was this super cute girl who liked me. I was into her but always kept a distance cause of the girl from college. I basically passed up on the co-worker girl, who live in the city I lived in, simply cause my basic ass mind thought it would be unfair to the college girl I had no future with. To this day I look back on that and kick myself.
My point is, if you’re single, you’re single. If you’re the type of guy who doesn’t want a relationship, then live that way for real. Just don’t lie to girls about your intentions cause then you’re an asshole.

So i’ve been talking to this guy I met on twitter, who I also text with, for two years now. 100% sure he’s not a catfish. Everytime we talk it’s always small talk bullshit and/or flirting. Which is okay but i’m kinda tired of it now. I’ll sometimes ask em if he wants to talk on the phone but he never wants to. I wanna have actual conversations with him and it just never happens. I doubt we’ll ever meet each other. But I just wish he’d open up more, n actually wanna talk. I feel like I want more of him than he’s willing to give. I feel like I care about this dude more than he does. Females huh..Honestly I don’t know why i’m even trippin off him. I met him on twitter LOL. Should I even trip is my question?

Uh…yeah. This dude doesn’t give a fuck. If i had to make a guess, he’s a scum bag on twitter who’s looking to get laid. You’re only as important to him as you are near to him. If he thought he could hit it, he’d probably be a lot more willing to chat on the phone and put in the work. I’m assuming you guys don’t live near each other so he’s probably just doing just enough to keep you around on the off chance you’re even in the same place at the same time. You know, real gentleman stuff. Also, you never know what his situation is. For all you know, he might live with his girl or have kids. After all, this is twitter. A place where liars flourish and fake lives are the norm.
So, to answer your questions, no, you should not trip. You shouldn’t even give a shit in the slightest. He’s a dude you met on twitter, for christ sake. Do you go to sleep staring at his avatar? All this should be to you is fun flirting.
Also, think of it this way. If you’re talking to him on twitter, imagine how many other girls he must have around him in real life and on other social networks. Twitter isn’t exactly a place where long lasting couples have met and flourished. All I’m saying is temper your expectations of anyone you meet via 140 characters or less.

Block,

What are signs you’re dating an asshole? What are signs you’re dating someone who isn’t a good fit for you?

Thanks. You’re a hero.

Well, one sign would be asking this question. I’m willing to bet you are dating an asshole if you’re willing to take the time to send me this questions in the first place.
I’d say signs of dating assholes are fairly obvious. Ask yourself these questions
1)Do all your friends not like him/her?
2)Does he/she make you feel like you’re always wrong
3)does he/she talk down to you?
4)Does he/she never bring you around their friends?
5)Is he/she far less available to you than you think they can be?
6)If you removed sex from the equation, do you think this person would still want to hang out with you?
Man, reading that list reminds me what a complete shithead I was in my early 20’s, Ouch.
Now, being an asshole and being a “good fit” are two different things. It’s very possible for someone to be a bad match for you and not an asshole. I feel as though a lot of people sometimes date just for the sake of dating. They’ll let a relationship last way longer than it has any reason to simply cause they want it to work. Dating people who you don’t have much in common with and who don’t really mesh with your personality is not at all uncommon. Usually, it’s just two people who are attracted to each other who have no business being anything more that fuck buddies. So, if you and this person simply “get along”, that’s not enough. I get along with the dude at the deli on my corner, that doesn’t mean he should be my best friend.It just means we’re both civil, polite people. So, apply that to how you and this guy/girl get along. Can they definitively hang? If not, it’s not meant to be. Don’t take it hard. Some people simply love to be in love but they often force the issue and end up in a relationship that should have never started in the first place.

3 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 39

  1. Yo Dr. Tony,

    So, there’s this cute girl who works at the coffee shop bakery near my house, that I really want to talk to. Problem is, she’s not a barista, she works in the back (I think she bakes cakes, and shit), and she’s always rushing back and forth from the bakery to the front.

    Anyways, I’m pretty sure she’s at least interested, because, even though she appears to be in a rush, she ALWAYS makes lingering eye contact with me and smiles. Even when I’m not looking in her direction, I can still see her eyeing me. So, I feel like she’s giving me an invitation to talk to her, but, not the time to actually do so. And the way this coffee shop is set up, if I were to jump out of my seat, I would knock over everything around me. Not to mention the fact that she’s working and that’s super awkward, anyways.

    Seriously, I’m at a loss, here. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

  2. Dear Dr. Block

    This might be a super simple issue but I need your honesty for this.
    So, about 2 months ago I was with a good friend (we don’t hang around a lot but I really value him as a person, we talk about some deep issues and shit) and long story short, he told me that he liked the same girl I liked before I was about to tell him the same thing. That resulted to me shutting up and actually trying to force these two to be together for the rest of the summer. The thing is, the girl wasn’t really into my friend, the whole situation didn’t work out and she actually started talking and hanging around with me more frequently despite me being a bit more distant than usual.
    Other details:
    I am really into this girl. I seriously like her a lot.
    All three people will live in different cities next year.
    I am a decent listener + we don’t really flirt = I might just be her friendzoned psychologist or whatever.
    What should I do? Should I ask my friend if he is ok with it and go for it? (I think I am for a holiday+skype kind of relationship) Should I tell my friend my whole story regardless? Should I move on?

    Thanks in advance.

    PS: I dig the dolphin track a lot.

  3. Dr. T,
    Long story short, after I graduated college, I lost touch with all of my friends. It’s been a while and I don’t really see us ever hanging out again. I have a girlfriend and she is my best friend but I also really need some guy friends. Like bros who I can talk about bro stuff with that a gf won’t always understand. My questions is, how does a guy in his 20s meet dudes to hang with and how do you reach a point in hanging where you can share bro-feelings (different than actual feelings, you know?)?

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