“Hey, when’s your birthday? No, really, tell me. I’m super curious. Oh, not cause I’m interested in astrology. Nope, cause your birthday is just really important to me.”
That was an excerpt from my upcoming novel “Things no one has ever earnestly said or thought in the history of the human race”.
Let’s be honest, the sooner we, as a civilization, accept that no one cares about your birthday but you, the better. Okay, maybe your mom cares. She might. After all, it is the anniversary of you coming out her vagina like the kool aid man. How could she ever forget that. In fact, your birthday should be a day you buy her gifts. But I digress…
I’ve been thinking about this lately cause my birthday is on the horizon (october 8th guys, what are you getting me!?!?!?!). I’ve never been one to care that much about my own birthday. I definitely celebrate it but that’s generally an excuse to eat a good meal or get a bunch of my friends together and get drunk. Not cause I actually care that I’m turning one year older. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I celebrated on my actual birthday. Once every seven years? It’s completely arbitrary.
To be clear, this isn’t about getting older. That’s something totally different. It’s no secret that getting older is a bummer. At least for people over 30. But, no, this is about the birth day itself and peoples seem to think other people have to give a shit about it.
How many people (Ahem…girls…cough…) do you know that decide their birthday is , all of a sudden, a week long extravaganza of celebrating their existence? This includes free meals and friend duties that can only be compared to that of a bridesmaid, It’s quite possibly the most unjustifiable thing a person can do to their friends outside of making them go to a musical with you. Fuck all that. It’s YOUR birthday. Not mine. It changes nothing for anyone except you. It has no effect on anything outside of your answer to “How old are you?”. Birthday entitlement is something i feel even the people who have it probably realize they’re full of shit but , yet, they persist. What are we really celebrating? You being born? EVERYONE IS BORN. There is nothing special about it. That’s like me celebrating learning to walk or the first time I ate solid foods.
Comedian Patton Oswalt had a bit about how people should only celebrate particular birthdays. Milestone years. I think that’s a great idea. I’d also add that presents should stop after 21 as well. Too soon? fine. 25. If you’re still angling for presents from your parents, family and friends after 25, you need to chill the fuck out. You know what people over 30 ask for? Socks. underwear. dishes. The most boring shit on earth cause, by that time, you have most of what you need and really just ask for that kinda crap cause you’re too lazy to go get it yourself. It’s basically just making your friends and family run your unwanted shopping errands for you. That’s another level of this entitlement. Expecting gifts. You already got Christmas/Hanukkah. How much more do you need? You’re a grown ass man/woman. Come on, son.
I remember , when I was a kid, my brothers birthday was exactly half a year from mine. So, as a means to shut me the fuck up , my mom would get me a “half birthday gift. This was to curb the jealousy of seeing my bro cash in on whatever the hell it was he got for his special day. Thing is, I was a child and had no common sense or decency. Also, i wanted everything. So, it makes sense. Flash forward 30 years and I would literally forget it was my birthday if it wasn’t for a Facebook reminder.
Now, to be clear, I have nothing against a party. Parties are fun for everyone. The are beneficial for all. It’s a great excuse to get old friends from the different social circles you inhabit and bring them together. But that’s it…one night. One party. Maybe go out to dinner with a small handful of close friends. After that, your day is done. your time is over. The second that dinner bill gets covered, your friends are no longer obligated to give a flying fuck about your or your dumb ass birth. Duty has been served.
Speaking of Facebook, it has opened new doors to how we half ass celebrate a friends birthday. A simple “Happy birthday!” on the wall and we’re good. I’m all for this. It’s a gesture as as empty as the desert sky but, hey, it’s the least you can do. I mean that literally. THE LEAST. Outside of ignoring the persons birthday completely…which is also fine cause, like I said, who cares? Oh wait…some people do actually care. They care a lot. I know people who get legit butthurt about people forgetting to wish them a happy birthday. Those are people i like to call “Dickheads”. If you have a friend like that, you should stop taking them seriously this instant. I’m not saying cut them off but if they can’t handle you not remembering the day they were born, then imagine what a mess they’d be if you actually forgot something that mattered in the slightest. It’s a small thing but it does speak volumes about a person and how self important they are.
So, yeah, fuck your birthday. Fuck my birthday. Fuck’em all. Let’s all be the adults we claim to be and just treat it like what it is. Another day. But , still, have that party. People need a reason to leave their house.