Fuck yo’ birth , bro!

“Hey, when’s your birthday? No, really, tell me. I’m super curious. Oh, not cause I’m interested in astrology. Nope, cause your birthday is just really important to me.”
That was an excerpt from my upcoming novel “Things no one has ever earnestly said or thought in the history of the human race”.

Let’s be honest, the sooner we, as a civilization, accept that no one cares about your birthday but you, the better. Okay, maybe your mom cares. She might. After all, it is the anniversary of you coming out her vagina like the kool aid man. How could she ever forget that. In fact, your birthday should be a day you buy her gifts. But I digress…

I’ve been thinking about this lately cause my birthday is on the horizon (october 8th guys, what are you getting me!?!?!?!). I’ve never been one to care that much about my own birthday. I definitely celebrate it but that’s generally an excuse to eat a good meal or get a bunch of my friends together and get drunk. Not cause I actually care that I’m turning one year older. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I celebrated on my actual birthday. Once every seven years? It’s completely arbitrary.

To be clear, this isn’t about getting older. That’s something totally different. It’s no secret that getting older is a bummer. At least for people over 30. But, no, this is about the birth day itself and peoples seem to think other people have to give a shit about it.
How many people (Ahem…girls…cough…) do you know that decide their birthday is , all of a sudden, a week long extravaganza of celebrating their existence? This includes free meals and friend duties that can only be compared to that of a bridesmaid, It’s quite possibly the most unjustifiable thing a person can do to their friends outside of making them go to a musical with you. Fuck all that. It’s YOUR birthday. Not mine. It changes nothing for anyone except you. It has no effect on anything outside of your answer to “How old are you?”. Birthday entitlement is something i feel even the people who have it probably realize they’re full of shit but , yet, they persist. What are we really celebrating? You being born? EVERYONE IS BORN. There is nothing special about it. That’s like me celebrating learning to walk or the first time I ate solid foods.

Comedian Patton Oswalt had a bit about how people should only celebrate particular birthdays. Milestone years. I think that’s a great idea. I’d also add that presents should stop after 21 as well. Too soon? fine. 25. If you’re still angling for presents from your parents, family and friends after 25, you need to chill the fuck out. You know what people over 30 ask for? Socks. underwear. dishes. The most boring shit on earth cause, by that time, you have most of what you need and really just ask for that kinda crap cause you’re too lazy to go get it yourself. It’s basically just making your friends and family run your unwanted shopping errands for you. That’s another level of this entitlement. Expecting gifts. You already got Christmas/Hanukkah. How much more do you need? You’re a grown ass man/woman. Come on, son.

I remember , when I was a kid, my brothers birthday was exactly half a year from mine. So, as a means to shut me the fuck up , my mom would get me a “half birthday gift. This was to curb the jealousy of seeing my bro cash in on whatever the hell it was he got for his special day. Thing is, I was a child and had no common sense or decency. Also, i wanted everything. So, it makes sense. Flash forward 30 years and I would literally forget it was my birthday if it wasn’t for a Facebook reminder.

Now, to be clear, I have nothing against a party. Parties are fun for everyone. The are beneficial for all. It’s a great excuse to get old friends from the different social circles you inhabit and bring them together. But that’s it…one night. One party. Maybe go out to dinner with a small handful of close friends. After that, your day is done. your time is over. The second that dinner bill gets covered, your friends are no longer obligated to give a flying fuck about your or your dumb ass birth. Duty has been served.

Speaking of Facebook, it has opened new doors to how we half ass celebrate a friends birthday. A simple “Happy birthday!” on the wall and we’re good. I’m all for this. It’s a gesture as as empty as the desert sky but, hey, it’s the least you can do. I mean that literally. THE LEAST. Outside of ignoring the persons birthday completely…which is also fine cause, like I said, who cares? Oh wait…some people do actually care. They care a lot. I know people who get legit butthurt about people forgetting to wish them a happy birthday. Those are people i like to call “Dickheads”. If you have a friend like that, you should stop taking them seriously this instant. I’m not saying cut them off but if they can’t handle you not remembering the day they were born, then imagine what a mess they’d be if you actually forgot something that mattered in the slightest. It’s a small thing but it does speak volumes about a person and how self important they are.

So, yeah, fuck your birthday. Fuck my birthday. Fuck’em all. Let’s all be the adults we claim to be and just treat it like what it is. Another day. But , still, have that party. People need a reason to leave their house.

18 thoughts on “Fuck yo’ birth , bro!

      • Meh, it’s not bad but everyone here thinks it’s SO SUPER AMAZING. The main thing we have that you absolutely can’t miss is our beer – especially Surly furious. Also, it doesn’t hurt to do a set in the same room Prince got started in, right?

      • Just know Block, Surly is pretty decent beer but it’s nothing to get too excited about. It’s very much a hipster thing. They have invaded the Twin Cities just like everywhere else. It’s really bad in the Twin Cities. Pretty much anywhere you go in Uptown or Northeast you’ll almost ONLY see the skinny jeans winter-hat-in-the-summer hipster douches. And they insist the local beer in the TC is better than anywhere else, it’s not. The beer scene in the Twin Cities pales in comparison to somewhere like Portland. If you really want to experience the Twin Cities get yourself a Juicy Lucy. That’s 100% Minnesota. There is a great beer everyone. You live in NY – there is no shortage of great beer in that city. But you won’t get a Juicy Lucy in NYC. It was invented in Minnesota. Try it out.

      • I don’t like beer that much in general so I won’t be trying any beers in all likelihood. Now a juicy lucy…I’m bout that shit.

      • You’d have to go pretty far out of downtown to find a juicy lucy that isn’t shitty, though – the best are at the nook or the blue door in saint paul, but the original at matt’s bar in south mpls is awesome too. if you’re absolutely rooted to the venue, there’s a bar next door called the depot that serves a not-bad “inside out burger” for too many dollars and seriously-its-just-a-damn-burger cents.

        And yes, our hipster infestation is chokingly horrendous. What used to be our main inexpensive artist neighborhood is now more expensive than downtown, and everything good has been bulldozed so it could be turned into one giant applebees. Im guessing you’d want to make a stop at rhymesayers though?

      • I doubt I’ll have time, to be honest. I’ve been there before. It’s pretty cool. Not many places like that left in the world.

  1. Fuck yes, I’m not the only one? I made my Bday private on FB and don’t tell people when it is, I just don’t care. It can get tough sometimes though because my indifference extends to other people and some people, like my mother, really can’t understand why I don’t care about birthdays and kind of take it personally. I would much rather celebrate something that actually matters like someone getting the job they wanted or important things like that.

  2. The thing that gets me though is when you see people, who you are close enough to the point that they should wish you a happy birthday out just common decency and respect, actively online and posting on Facebook but still they don’t post on your wall. Like newsfeeds populate based on activity, so a wall getting suddenly inundated with “Happy Birthday!”s will for sure show up on a person’s feed.

  3. hey that reminds me my half birthday is october 8th. i wish they had notifications on FB for half birthdays. though just cuz i forgot its no excuse for everyone i know to forget as well. they better wish me happy half birthday. or maybe ‘happy birt-‘ is more appropriate? it should prolly be a thing that everone gets half a present for their half birthday. like an iphone sawed in half or disc 1 of wutang forever. hmm well better make it disc 2

  4. Many comments here…

    -it’s evident that you’ve just been on tour because this blog has been getting rant-y (that’s a good thing!)

    -“In fact, your birthday should be a day you buy [your mom] gifts.” Stellar idea, never thought of it that way before. Can you imagine how much better our world would be if that were truly the case?! whoa

    -As the degree of collectivism in a society increases, the amount of importance placed on individual birthdays decreases (not sure if that’s even true, but makes perfect sense). For example, in South Korea, I know the system for determining your age is completely different and, except for super specific milestones, very little importance is placed on your actual birthdate.

    -Oh my god, you’re bday is just one day after mine. It’s like we’re practically the same person! haha 🙂

  5. ps: with you being 37 (i think?) and your bday coming up, you’d actually already be 39 years old according to the korean system, haha.

  6. My birthday was last month and I bought a mop and toilet paper with the money my grandma sent in a card. I turned 25 and you’re right, it is significantly less exciting every time I get just a little bit older..

  7. Even though you clearly don’t care about your birthday, have you ever looked online to see which “notable people” share your date? Because….who HASN’T done that.

  8. Most of the time I don’t really celebrate my birthday, I do appreciate ‘the happy birthdays’ on fb and the 1-second-brainfart they’ve spent on me for typing a birthday wish.
    I do hate the fact that people get insulted when you don’t send them any cards…fuck’em. Anyway, I’m going to buy some flowers for my grandmother because it’s her birthday, hahaha.

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