Hi there and welcome to another edition of “Defending my tweets”. An Idea I 100% lifted from the now defunct “Jesilnik Offensive”. It’s a little different over here, though. Sometimes, 140 characters is simply not enough. This is me expanding on tweets I made in an attempt to better explain myself or dig myself into an even deep hole. Either way, I do it for the children. Let’s go.

I think, by nature, everyone wants to be liked by others. We can all sit here and be like “man, I don’t give a fuck…I’mma do me and anyone who gets in my way can deal with it”. It’s like the people on reality shows who always say “I didn’t come here to make friends” while justifying their abhorrent behavior. I’ve always been honest about this kind of thing to myself. As much as I want to act as if I don’t care, I do. We all do. Being liked feels good. Being respected feels better but, hey, we can’t have it all , can we?
In social situations, I’m a very nice guy. I go out of my way to be friendly and cordial to all the people I come across. If you’ve ever met me and I wasn’t like this, chances are I was in the middle of something that was too consuming for me to fully focus or you came at me like a prick. But, like I said, I’m generally pretty chipper and easy going.
Every now and then, we all come across someone who simply does not like us. We don’t know why. In my experience, it’s a person I’ve just met who is simply immediately rubbed the wrong way by me. Now, cause I know I’m being friendly and polite , this person either has some preconceived notions about me or they just hate my face. When I was younger, my immediate reaction to this would be to try and win them over. Kill them with kindness. Turns out, if someone doesn’t like you, it’s really hard to change that persons mind. In fact, being overly kind and sweet to them seems to only fan the flames of disdain. I used to ponder my role in these types of exchanges and question what I had done wrong. I’m a bit older now and realize, oh wait, THEY’RE the asshole. It was right in front of my face the entire time but I choose to ignore it. That person who goes out of their way to be a cold dickface to you for no real reason? Turns out, they can suck a thousand miles of horse dicks and eat shit till infinity. Who knew?

This one confused a few people when I posted it. I got a flood of “That’s why you shouldn’t drink coffee!” and various opinions on the different types of milk. Let me clarify, I don’t drink coffee. This was a joke. Was it a good joke? Not really but a joke nonetheless. At the very least, it had a point. It always fun to have to clarify these things cause nothing takes the wind out of a joke than explaining it but it’s truly impressive how people on the internet cannot help themselves when it comes to opting to be the dumbest motherfuckers alive. Actually, I don’t even know if I can lend the responses to being dumb. No, this was more a case of people just feeling the need to give their opinion on something…anything.
“The topic is “coffee” you say? Hey, i have thoughts on that! Allow me to shit them out all over my computer/smart phone!”
If we are able to step back from someone mentioning the warm beverage enjoyed by millions of people, we might see that this tweet was about something entirely different. I posted this shortly after the Ray Rice incident, where pretty much every person involved with it on some level was asked to resign and possibly be paddled in public. Some rightfully so, others just to clean house and make everyone happy regardless of their part they played in the scandal. Asking people to resign is the new public apology. Shit, as little as a year ago, people would do some dumb/outlandish/horrific thing and simply be asked to go somewhere public and say “I’m sowwy!” in their best 5 year olds voice. But, lately, the grip has tightened. We tolerate nothing and the fall out of every scandal means , at least, 5 or 6 people are going down with the ship. While a guy like Ray Rice should go right the fuck to jail, maybe we need to fall back on becoming the judge and jury of who gets to keep their jobs outside of the people directly involved. I believe all of this is led entirely by public outrage. An outrage, I might add, that is generally way less than how the media portrays it. Were people disgusted by what Ray Rice did? Fuck yeah. He’s a total piece of shit. But was asking the commissioner of football to step down cause of what this guy (and a few others) did justified? That’s really not for me or joe public to decide. That’s the problem. These type of incidents tend to give us, the nobodies on our couch, the idea that what we think matters. Well it generally doesn’t. There’s money involved that way over our head and pay grade. Sure, some false outrage toward scapegoats is the american way but, in reality, they’re really only gonna fire people that are expendable…or people so sullied by these acts that they can’t be redeemed. Donald sterling types. They realize “if we keep this guy around, we will lose money”. That’s the moral compass of everything. Luckily for me, in my made up twitter world where I drink coffee, that barista who fucked up my imaginary order is as expendable as Donald sterling. And that’s MY moral compass.

We live in a mystical and magical time where most of the relationships we see are the product of the internet in some form or fashion. Hell, were it not for myspace, I doubt I would have ever really met my girlfriend. Yes, I said myspace…we’ve been together for a long time.
Anyway, All this is common knowledge at this point and hearing how your mom and dad met on tinder probably won’t be weird in 20 years. But , of all the ways people meet, has there ever been a more misguided and lazy tactic than “poking” someone on facebook? I’m honestly shocked “poking” is still allowed. It’s like the most soft and subtle form of sexual harassment known to man. The fucked up thing about “poking” is that you can’t block or disable them. Facebook gives you the choice with all sorts of things. You can block this, you can block that, you can give your bank info to advertisers by signing up for anything. But, for some inexplicable reason, the ability to be “poked” is untouchable. It’s the cockroach of facebook apps. What is your gameplan, facebook? Is there some secret illuminati affiliation with poking that I’m not aware of? I can hide particular posts from particular people but the only way to stop from being poked on facebook is to erase my profile all together and throw my laptop in a secluded river. But that’s just one level of this. To the people who poke…why?
I mean, i get it. I’d imagine the same people who use that poke function liberally are the same types of people who live by that “If you hit on a 1000 girls, one of them will eventually say yes” mantra. But i wonder, has poking ever worked? It must have. That means, somewhere out there, there is a girl who received a poke from a gentleman and was like “OMG!”. Months later, they were wed , bare foot on a beach with the sun setting behind them. Dreams coming true, all over the fucking place.
Clearly, poking someone is a less forthright way of saying “Wanna fuck or nah?” to a stranger/passing acquaintance. That’s all it is. No one’s ever “poked” someone as if to say “Hey, I know your grandma died, i’m here for you”. It doesn’t work like that. Poking is a slightly less intrusive unrequested dick pic. But, hey, i suppose two people can find love anywhere. Or two scumbags can get laid via poking. Apples and oranges.