Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 39


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Whattup everyone. Welcome to another edition of “Fuck/marry/Kill”. It’s exactly what you think it is. however, as always, I must remind you that this is not meant to be taken seriously. If you find it offensive, just know that I am well aware that I have no right to fuck, marry or kill any of these things/places/people. The only reason I don’t do men is cause it would be a three way tie for who I wanna fuck the least, every time.
So, yeah, lighten up. Also, if you got some creative ideas for Fuck/marry/kill ideas, leave them in the comments below. I can’t stress the “creative” part enough. Get wild.

F/M/K:Scarlett Johansson in Ghost World, Scarlett Johansson in Lost in Translation, Scarlett Johansson in Match Point

Marry: Scarlett in “Lost in Translation”
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I gotta say, these options are pretty obviously laid out. Each character represents a different side of sweet sweet Scarlett. In the case of “Lost in translation” she plays a under appreciated young wife. She’s thoughtful and in love but her husband is Giovanni Ribisi, so…you know, nuff said. Her character is pretty much written as the perfect wife. Even though the whole movie is about her finding a common bond with an older man , forming an emotional connection with him and (SPOILER ALERT) kissing him in an almost platonic way. She only does it cause her husband pushed her to it. I can get behind that. She’s okay in my book.

Fuck: Scarlett in “Match Point”
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Simply put, she’s just a hot little sexpot in this movie. There’s nothing more to it. To be honest, I had a friend tell me about her in this movie and , whenever it’s on cable I just check to see if she’s on screen. If she isn’t, I change the channel. So, in a sense, I’ve “seen” this movie about 20 times but never from start to finish , yet I have a faint idea of what it’s about. Basically, I’ve perused it much like I would an old porn VHS tape. From what I’ve seen, she looks amazing in this movie. So, this choice is fairly easy. Fuck fuck fuck.

Kill: Scarlett in “Ghost World”
Ghost-World-scarlett-johansson-23593151-500-282
This is early scarlett. I’m not even sure she was over 18 at this point. I remember watching this movie and barely even noticing her. She wasn’t yet there, which is a good thing cause she was a child and I don’t need those guilty thoughts on my conscience.
In the movie, she plays a husky voiced girl who is drifting apart from her quirky and somewhat irrational best friend. Honestly, the thing I remember most about her is her voice. She’s a baritone. Add that to the underage thing and it’s an no brainer.
Side note: I do feel bad “killing” a teenager but that’s the name of the game.

F/M/K:Words-“Basic”, “Hipster”,“Selfie”

Marry: “Basic”
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I love that this word means what it means. For so long the world has needed a single word that could cover so much ground. A catch all generalization. Most people are “basic”. Meaning simple and uninteresting. They go along with whatever happens around them cause they’re too dumb or self involved to even bother questioning things. The only downside of this word is that it gets used by everyone so freely it’s become one of those words that will eventually lose it’s meaning. Kinda like hipster. Everyone is basic to someone else. Somewhere out there, a juggling drag queen , physicist who owns a bait and tackle shop in the himalayan mountains is being called “basic” by some salty hater who, in all reality, it’s probably pretty basic.

Kill: “Selfie”
justin-bieber-2013-selfie
Obviously. We, as a race of humans, are the worst. Selfies represent many facets of why we are the worst. Now, to be clear, I’m not even that bothered by them. In fact, if you’re a hot girl, don’t ever stop taking them. Just know that , as pleasing as they can be to the eye, they do speak of a silent desperation, desire to be liked and loneliness.
Beyond the actual seflies, the term “selfie” has become like the word “literally” in it’s misuse. It now means any picture taken by anyone of any number of people. I think as long as someone is holding the camera and taking the picture of themselves and whoever else is with them, it qualifies as a “selfie”, which makes no sense. That’s like calling an orgy “masturbating”.

Fuck: “Hipster”
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I don’t really know how this one lands on “fuck” but it’s pretty much by default. I feel as though Hipster is no longer a useful term cause it means everything and everyone. Basically, If you’re a person between 15-40 and you pay attention to anything involved in the pop culture stratosphere in the slightest capacity, you are a hipster. I’m a hipster. You’re a hipster. Your dad might be a hipster. Clearly, it’s not a select group like it used to be. It’s also turned into a derogatory term for any one who someone feels tries too hard…which is ironic considering that actual hipsters, by nature, are all about trying too hard. They’re all about being the first to know about something and, in general, being ahead of the social curve. You know who the real hipsters are? Crazy right wing separatists. Mark my word, when the the economy collapses and shit starts hitting the fan, they’ll be the ones in their homemade bunkers like “I was about this revolution lifestyle , like, forever…”

FMK: Andie MacDowell, Frances McDormand, Mary Steenburgen

Kill: Frances Mcdormand
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Even though she’s , by far, my favorite actress of this bunch , I’m still a flawed and shallow man. I don’t want to kill her. Not even a little bit but in this fucked up game, there always has to be one. As talented as she is, she’s just not someone I would ever want to put my penis inside (I’m sure the feelings mutual so i don’t feel that bad). This is 100% based on physical traits and I’m ashamed…but i’m also not a liar.

Fuck: Andie Macdowell
Andie MacDowell
I can’t say I’ve ever been too attracted to Andie Macdowell. She’s made a career of being the sweet and relatable pretty southern lady that dates dudes in their 40’s. As a man inching towards my 40’s, I suppose it’s time I submit and just accept that Andie macdowell is a good pull for an older man (or, I should say, the Andie Macdowell of the 90’s). She’s certainly not an ugly lady. She’s very pretty in that “I don’t care what her vagina looks” kinda way. There’s a definite lack of sexual oomph from Mrs Macdowell. But, hey, if she’s good enough for Steve martin and Bill Murray (in movies), She’s surely good enough for me.

Marry: Mary Steenburgen
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Check this out…She’s low key kinda hot. Very low key. Look at the pic above. I bet you didn’t know that whole thing was working like that, did you? Not only that, as a wife, she seems like she’d be amazing. She’s sweet, warm and just looks like how I imagine a wife looks for an older man. She’s one of those older women who , as a younger man, you never even consider as “attractive” cause they’re so much older than you but, as a full grown adult, i can see it. She’s a sneaky one.

F/M/K Asia, Africa, Europe (the continents, not 80s bands)

Marry: Europe
europe-english-teaching-abroad-map1This is a fucked up one. I should note that I don’t create these options. They are sent in from readers.
So, yeah…I’mma marry Europe. Why? Cause I’m of european descent , I’ve been there a bunch of times and it makes sense to me. I’m sure there are a grip of you out there fondling your lame dicks to the idea of marrying Asia (cause you’re asia-phile creeps) but, to me, I’m all about comfort and simplicity. I may not understand what people are saying in many parts of europe but, for the most part, it still feels like planet earth to me. The signs are in english letters (Except far east), the food is amazing and varied , and the women are just like the food. I dunno if i could ever truly live in another country but , if I did, it would undoubtedly be somewhere in europe.

Fuck: Asia
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I really don’t have a deep desire to go anywhere in Asia. Not saying I wouldn’t, but there’s nothing in me that’s dying to get out there. It should also be noted that I’m also not a person who loves traveling. I do it so much in my normal life that the thrill is gone. That said, I’d do it. So “Fucking” asia makes perfect sense. I’d be most excited about the food cause, let’s face it, asian food is pretty much the best. Other then that, I’m far too much a creature of comfort to ever truly feel at home out there. I had enough trouble feeling chill in eastern europe , let alone a continent with like 100 billion people who don’t speak english and are constantly on the go. Admittedly, I’m the selfish asshole here and i bet the continent of asia is fucking amazing but, hey, no ones perfect.

Kill: Africa
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This one is just setting me up for a backlash. It’s a lose/lose.
I just wanna clarify that Africa is the mother of civilization and , in many ways, the most important continent in earth’s history. None of us would be here without Africa. But this isn’t about history. It’s about the reality of what place ‘d want to marry, fuck or kill. I have ZERO interest ever going there. I’m simply just not that kind of adventurous dude. Some people want to explore foreign lands and experience other cultures. Me? i just wanna eat good food and take it easy. I mean, perhaps if I was a wild life enthusiast or something but, I’m not. I think that Africa is just place that doesn’t speak to my personal interests. All the good things about it are things that don’t really excite me as a destination. Also, civil unrest and disease are not my bag so, regrettably, I would have to kill africa.

13 thoughts on “Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 39

  1. Make sure you kill “Ghost World” Scarlett after you’re done fucking “Match Point” Scarlett and when you’ve grown tired of being married to “LIT” Scarlett because once you kill “Ghost World”, the other two cease to exist.

  2. Not even a question. Definitely marry Mary. It’s right there in the name. Man, if Sam Malone didn’t wifey her up this dude was going to find a way to make it happen. After going to the Drive-In and seeing her in Parenthood in the dark and under the stars when I was 8 years-old my burgeoning creepy inclinations were ready to follow her anywhere on some How I Got Into College type sh*t. She’s on that path to more than earning her Helen Mirren Lifetime Award for Bringin’ It (which is the esteemed crown achievement at the annual ceremony I hold in my garage: The Bangies).
    ***goes back to spit shining chrome bumper of windowless van***

    • ^ How Helen Mirren became the be-all end-all stock answer for “attractive older lady” I don’t know, but it is hilarious (no offense to the writer, as I’m sure I’ve brought up that example before too).

      Mary Steenburger though, my boyfriend legit has a little crush on her and I love how he has that crush. She is a true blue inspiration in the white woman aging game.

      • I think Helen Mirren holds that title cause she’s the hottest famous old lady. She looks amazing, FOR HER AGE. Personally, she’s too old for me. She looks great but I’m not trying to have sex with someone who smells like moth balls.

  3. This one is very basic (also, I bet this will be a very common group Halloween costume this year because this movie has been re-discussed so much lately):

    Mean Girl Actors – Amanda Seyfriend / Lacey Chabert / Rachel McAdams

    And this one is a throwback for the one-named girls:

    Brandy / Mya / Amerie

  4. Would this one work for you Blockhead?

    (Female) Rappers: Jean Grae-Gangsta Boo-Angel Haze

    *solely based on their rapping, nothing physical

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