Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 40

Hello all and welcome to another edition of “Ask Dr. Tony”. That’s me. I’m not certified to drive a car, let alone fix peoples personal problems but I’ve been told I give good honest advice. You are strangers, therefor, I have no horse in this race. All i can do is tell you what I think is real. So, if you have any life questions, send them my way. Leave them in the comments below or email them to me at it’s 100% anonymous and no one will know it’s you. What a perfect deal for both of us!
Anyway, here’s this weeks questions…

Yo Dr. Tony,

So, there’s this cute girl who works at the coffee shop bakery near my house, that I really want to talk to. Problem is, she’s not a barista, she works in the back (I think she bakes cakes, and shit), and she’s always rushing back and forth from the bakery to the front.

Anyways, I’m pretty sure she’s at least interested, because, even though she appears to be in a rush, she ALWAYS makes lingering eye contact with me and smiles. Even when I’m not looking in her direction, I can still see her eyeing me. So, I feel like she’s giving me an invitation to talk to her, but, not the time to actually do so. And the way this coffee shop is set up, if I were to jump out of my seat, I would knock over everything around me. Not to mention the fact that she’s working and that’s super awkward, anyways.

Seriously, I’m at a loss, here. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

This is actually something I can relate to as I worked in what sounds like a similar bakery/coffee shop for like 8 years when I was younger. That behind the counter life is interesting. I will say that meeting customers and hooking up with them is never easy. For one, you’re at work. It’s bad business to just start hitting on someone who patronizes the establishment. Flirting, however, is never a bad idea (and great for tips).
However, as a customer, it’s just as tricky. If you misread her cues, all of sudden you’ve made it awkward and pretty much have to find a new coffee shops to go to. In my experience, the over the counter hook up is very difficult and takes one of the people just throwing all their cards on the table. This means, you either gotta just put yourself out there or not. You gotta casually slip her your number or tell one of the other people who work there to do it for you. Either way, it will be humiliating.
Honestly, the most ideal thing would be to run into her outside of the coffee shop. Not to be a creep about it but if you can find where she hangs out, this would speed the process immensely and not force you to throw it all out there while she’s at work. Also, seeing people like that in normal life will give you a much better idea of what she’s feeling towards you. For all you know, she’s just a friendly person who makes too much eye contact.
I recall , when I worked at the bakery, there was a cute girl who would come in all the time We’d small talk and that was it. I saw her out at a bar one night , drunk as fuck, and flirted with her harmlessly. The next week I was working, she called the bakery and asked me out. That was some bold shit. I’m saying, if a girl can do that, surely you can do the same (assuming the signs point to that being a good idea).

Dear Dr. Block

This might be a super simple issue but I need your honesty for this.
So, about 2 months ago I was with a good friend (we don’t hang around a lot but I really value him as a person, we talk about some deep issues and shit) and long story short, he told me that he liked the same girl I liked before I was about to tell him the same thing. That resulted to me shutting up and actually trying to force these two to be together for the rest of the summer. The thing is, the girl wasn’t really into my friend, the whole situation didn’t work out and she actually started talking and hanging around with me more frequently despite me being a bit more distant than usual.
Other details:
I am really into this girl. I seriously like her a lot.
All three people will live in different cities next year.
I am a decent listener + we don’t really flirt = I might just be her friendzoned psychologist or whatever.
What should I do? Should I ask my friend if he is ok with it and go for it? (I think I am for a holiday+skype kind of relationship) Should I tell my friend my whole story regardless? Should I move on?

Thanks in advance.

You need to walk up to him, put your hand on his shoulder and say “Listen man, your bitch chose me”, and walk away.
just kidding. But wouldn’t that be amazing?
This is tough. It’s a shitty situation to be put in entirely cause he mentioned the girl first. If he had waited and you aid it first, none of this would happen. Funny how that works. Anyway, I’m a fan of just taking a deep breath and discussing it with your friend like a fully realized adult. He tried and failed. You allowed and even serviced that failure. If he’s an even remotely decent person, he’ll understand. If he gets all salty and this effects your friendship, he’s petty bitch and will need to just get over it. Men laying claim on women they are yet to even know to be possible matches is corny to me. Dating is a very “every man for himself” kinda thing. Sure, you don’t wanna step on peoples toes if they’re obviously hooking up but to take yourself out of the running cause the other dude simply likes her? It’s a nice thing to do (and you did the honorable thing by falling back in the first place) but it’s not part of the game.
It should also be said that, if you had any concrete idea that this girl was into you, it would justify this whole thing much more. From the sound of it, you’re taking a risk even trying. You guys don’t even flirt? That’s fucking weird. You’re really swinging for the fences trying to convert this crush into something more but, hey ,if that’s what you want to do, might as well see what happens. Maybe you’ll strike out too and it will bring you and your friend even closer because of it. Brothers in failure.

Dr. T,
Long story short, after I graduated college, I lost touch with all of my friends. It’s been a while and I don’t really see us ever hanging out again. I have a girlfriend and she is my best friend but I also really need some guy friends. Like bros who I can talk about bro stuff with that a gf won’t always understand. My questions is, how does a guy in his 20s meet dudes to hang with and how do you reach a point in hanging where you can share bro-feelings (different than actual feelings, you know?)?

This may be the first time someone saying “long story short” actually delivered on the promise. For that, I thank you.
Hmm…I gotta say, I find it strange when anyone doesn’t have friends of their own gender. How does one lose touch with every one they know from high school and college? I still have friends I know from grade school and little league and I’m nearing 40. I suppose you moved away and that was that?
This is tough cause girlfriends and friends are different things entirely. It’d be nice if they weren’t but they are. You 100% need buddies. Not just for the outlet of human experience but cause it’s gonna be hard to have a healthy relationship when the only person you interact with is your girl. That’s just begging to be a co-dependant relationship. It’s also gonna give you a serious lack of perspective on things. We all need multiple outlets.
Now, your question is pretty much the story line to “I love you, man”. I can’t really say there’s a clear answer here. Join a sports team? Bar league softball maybe? I don’t know what you’re into but take an interest you have and seek out like minded people. You like video games? Go find some video game nerds. You like reading? find a book club. you’re a drinker? Find a local bar and immerse yourself in it. Basically, find a hobby that enables you to be social and take it from there.
I gotta admit that this is a really hard question for me to relate to. I’d lose my mind if I didn’t have multiple friends outside of my girl. And Im sure she feels the same way. It’s very crucial. You need to live your own lives.

Do you ever dream with any of your exes? Whenever I do it’s always with the same ex and it’s fucking weird now. I don’t dream with any of my other exes just him.. I dated him my sophomore year of high school for like two months. I was his first girlfriend, really liked him. We broke up tho cause I was a shitty girlfriend to be honest. Years after though we kept cool. We’d talk to eachother on facebook n stuff. Hung out with him, maybe a year or two ago and it was super awkward, I was super quiet, we didn’t really talk and we haven’t talked since ha! I seriously don’t know why outta all my exes I only dream with him. Its starting to freak me out, at first it was like “aw” now it’s just plain weird haha. What do you think it is?

Sadly, I rarely remember my dreams so my ex’s don’t really come into play.I’d say they more pop up during random daydreams. Like, a memory will flash into my head then disappear. Stuff like that.
I’m not a dream specialist (obviously) but maybe this guy keeps popping in your head cause you feel guilty about things went between you guys. You claim to have been a shitty girlfriend to him. Maybe that shittiness left a mark in you for some reason. I mean, the obvious answer is that you still have feelings for him on some deep seeded level but I don’t know. You see like you’re not exactly pining for the guy. He might just represent that era of your life and , for some reason, your brain keeps going back to it. Or, maybe, you guys never closed the deal sexually and your brain is telling you to call him up, have an awkward convo with him, meet up and have even more awkward sex with him. You never know! Try fucking him and see if the dream stopped. Worse case scenario, you have some bad sex. Life goes on.

5 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 40

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