Previews reviews of movies I’ve never seen Vol. 8


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Who’s got time to see whole movies nowadays? Maybe 10 good movies get made a year so why waste your time seeing some bullshit when you can just watch the previews and judge it based on that? I’m here to do that for you. So, here are my reviews of these movies i haven’t seen , based entirely on their trailers. Trust me, I’m rarely wrong about these things.

Ouija

It is REALLY hard to get movies made nowadays. Unless you got a huge star and foreign backing, you could be shit out of luck. That is, of course, unless you make horror movies. Horror movies are the opposite. All you need is a half baked idea based on a weak premise and , voila! MONEY. Why? Cause they’re easy and people who can’t make their mind up at the cineplex can be like “Fuck it let’s go see that scary movie about that creepy doll…”. Also, they’re super cheap to make, considering how much money they earn.
Now, I’m down with the genre. I grew up renting cult horror classics from the video store (yes, it was a long time ago). Good horror movies still do exist for sure. But, the majority of them are movies like what I imagine this one will be like. Nameless casts of young attractive people , being scared and killed in boring ways over some dumb shit they could have avoided. They rarely show the violence (shout out to the last Evil dead, as that fucking movie DELIVERED) and it’s mostly just people/flying furniture/children/zombie faced women jumping out at you at predictable moments. I’m not sure what this is rated but the PG-13 horror movie is a real thing and it’s pretty much the dumbest shit you could ever do. It’s like diet cake. What’s the fucking point?
In the case of, Oiuja, it’s following in the footsteps of such classics as “Battleship” and “Clue” in taking a board game and bringing it to the silver screen. I actually just read that there is talk of a Monopoly Movie in the works so, you know, hold on to your fucking seats and DO PASS GO! AMIRITE!?!?!?!
This is one of those previews that pretty much covers all the bases for you. You’ve seen this movie. Many, many times. You know how it ends…and even if it surprises you do you really give a shit? It should also be noted that this will undoubtedly be the start of a Oiuja movie franchise. Why? Cause they can and people will see it. And that’s how that works.

The boy next door

So many funny things going on it this one…I feel as though the best way to approach it would be via bullet points
1)Ohh…STEAMY! I don’t know what jamaican island J-lo went to and what native blew her back out but she has her groove back. Between this and that “Booty” video, she’s walking around like a white girl who just got back from cancun and now is thinking of growing a single dreadlock.
2)I hate to be the guy that points trivial things out but…
For one, J-lo plays the mom of a dorky white child. Umm…okay. At least teach that little prick some spanish. He needs some latin flavor, J-lo!
Secondly, the dude who plays the young high school hunk is maybe 33 years old. I know these are givens in movies but, come on…That guy looks more like someone who’s been working at a firehouse for a decade than a teenager.
3)Much like the lazy horror movie, the 80’s/90’s movie rehash for cash is a goldmine that will get green lit without a second thought. Back in the 90’s, there was a movie called “The crush” and another movie called “fear” (which is fucking awesome, btw). Add a little “Fatal attraction” and you have what we see before you. This movie is those three movies…but with J-lo and that really old kid.
I think part of the problem with these formulaic rehashes is that they don’t go the extra mile. You wanna make this movie special? How bout kick that sex scene up a couple notches and , instead of making it all corny and “sensual”, have the dude actually have sex with j-lo. Like for real, for real. Penetration and everything. They could do it “artistically”. That alone would make this movie the most talked about thing of the year. And later, when he goes nuts, how bout some real , fucked up hardcore violence? Have you seen the movie “Irreversible”? Like the first scene in that movie. Then, like that, you have taken this soulless and empty movie and turned it into a cutting edge horror/thriller that people will never forget. But, nah…let’s just play it safe. The edgiest this movie gets is that it’s hinted at that the young guy goes down on J-lo. He did that so you know he’s a bad boy. ohhhhh Kill’em!

Wish I was here

This is that movie that Zach Braff got made via kickstarter. My opinion on a millionaire getting poorer strangers to pay for his movie to be made is another topic so, I leave that alone and just focus on the preview itself.
This movie looks like a really well made parody movie in the realm of “Date movie” or “scary movie” and it should be called “indie movie”. It’s got it all! Off color jokes for the whole family, sick/dying parents, dealing with sadness, personal discovery, music that seems made specifically for these kinda movies (the thought of Zack braff’s I-tunes playlists is bone chilling), running in a desert/field while finally figuring it all out.
This is the type of movie that you see the preview for, while on a date, and the girl turns to you and says “Oh, that looks good!” and you immediately reevaluate if it’s worth sleeping with her. It’s the basic bitch of indie movies.
I don’t know what it is about Zack Braff that makes him so unlikable. His face? His kermit like voice? Or that I’ve heard he’s a total ego maniac prick in real life. Whatever it is, he’s one of those love or hate kinda actors. You know, now that I think about it, I think it’s cause he could so easily be the guy who fucked your girl and you’d be like “What? You fucked Zack braff?!? What? Why? Him?!?!!?” and the girl wouldn’t even know what to say cause she’s just as shocked and ashamed as you are.

Dracula untold

I realize this is a different take on the whole Dracula movie. So, while I am completely over and done with any movie that has anything to do with Dracula , I do see how this could be different. Truth be told though, vampire shit BEEN corny. At least zombie related stuff can be awesome and extremely gory. Vampire movies tend to be either for teenaged girls or all about some british dandy who sleeps all day and happens to need human blood to survive.
Also, why does dracula always have to be handsome and charming? You would think a pale shut in would maybe just once be a fucking dork. You know who’d make a great dracula? 80’s comedian Emo Phillips.
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Look at that guy. Throw a cape and some fake teeth on him and he’s ready to go. He’ll suck your blood and be REALLY weird about it. Cause let’s be honest, Dracula was probably a total anti social loser.
As for this movie itself, you know…it looks like one of these fucking movies. Special effects, inner turmoil and probably a love story that everyone seeing it will think is completely unnecessary. This is another movie that, if they really went for it, I bet they could knock it out the park. The concept of the untold story of Dracula has a lot of room to be good. Maybe his untold story is that he’s a cutter? or perhaps he’s got a deep foot fetish that haunts him? I wanna know about that. I could give a fuck about all this other stuff though. Lemme inside the REAL Dracula, bro.

6 thoughts on “Previews reviews of movies I’ve never seen Vol. 8

  1. Which was worse…the rape scene in Irreversible or your old neighbor banging young Latino men?

    F/M/K Gaspar Noe edition? Monica Bellucci, Paz de la Huerta, or Sky Ferreia(he did the cover of her last album where she is all nekkid).

    • The rape scene in irreversible is pretty much unwatchable but hearing my neighbor pound out his little boy toy effects me soul in a deeper way…probably cause I can feel the walls shaking.

  2. I don’t know man. With the promise of seeing J-Lo almost naked, and lines like “Well, it got pretty wet here” and “Heh, I love your mother’s cookies”, I might have to Redbox that Boy Next Door movie.

    You are totally on point about “Indie Movie”. I didn’t care for Garden State.

    Dracula Untold looks like it is basically just aimed at girls who loved Twilight now that they are a few years older, and the highschool Sophomore guys they sucker into paying for the ticket, soda and popcorn. Easy pass.

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