Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 39

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Whattup everyone. Welcome to another edition of “Fuck/marry/Kill”. It’s exactly what you think it is. however, as always, I must remind you that this is not meant to be taken seriously. If you find it offensive, just know that I am well aware that I have no right to fuck, marry or kill any of these things/places/people. The only reason I don’t do men is cause it would be a three way tie for who I wanna fuck the least, every time.
So, yeah, lighten up. Also, if you got some creative ideas for Fuck/marry/kill ideas, leave them in the comments below. I can’t stress the “creative” part enough. Get wild.

F/M/K:Scarlett Johansson in Ghost World, Scarlett Johansson in Lost in Translation, Scarlett Johansson in Match Point

Marry: Scarlett in “Lost in Translation”
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I gotta say, these options are pretty obviously laid out. Each character represents a different side of sweet sweet Scarlett. In the case of “Lost in translation” she plays a under appreciated young wife. She’s thoughtful and in love but her husband is Giovanni Ribisi, so…you know, nuff said. Her character is pretty much written as the perfect wife. Even though the whole movie is about her finding a common bond with an older man , forming an emotional connection with him and (SPOILER ALERT) kissing him in an almost platonic way. She only does it cause her husband pushed her to it. I can get behind that. She’s okay in my book.

Fuck: Scarlett in “Match Point”
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Simply put, she’s just a hot little sexpot in this movie. There’s nothing more to it. To be honest, I had a friend tell me about her in this movie and , whenever it’s on cable I just check to see if she’s on screen. If she isn’t, I change the channel. So, in a sense, I’ve “seen” this movie about 20 times but never from start to finish , yet I have a faint idea of what it’s about. Basically, I’ve perused it much like I would an old porn VHS tape. From what I’ve seen, she looks amazing in this movie. So, this choice is fairly easy. Fuck fuck fuck.

Kill: Scarlett in “Ghost World”
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This is early scarlett. I’m not even sure she was over 18 at this point. I remember watching this movie and barely even noticing her. She wasn’t yet there, which is a good thing cause she was a child and I don’t need those guilty thoughts on my conscience.
In the movie, she plays a husky voiced girl who is drifting apart from her quirky and somewhat irrational best friend. Honestly, the thing I remember most about her is her voice. She’s a baritone. Add that to the underage thing and it’s an no brainer.
Side note: I do feel bad “killing” a teenager but that’s the name of the game.

F/M/K:Words-“Basic”, “Hipster”,“Selfie”

Marry: “Basic”
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I love that this word means what it means. For so long the world has needed a single word that could cover so much ground. A catch all generalization. Most people are “basic”. Meaning simple and uninteresting. They go along with whatever happens around them cause they’re too dumb or self involved to even bother questioning things. The only downside of this word is that it gets used by everyone so freely it’s become one of those words that will eventually lose it’s meaning. Kinda like hipster. Everyone is basic to someone else. Somewhere out there, a juggling drag queen , physicist who owns a bait and tackle shop in the himalayan mountains is being called “basic” by some salty hater who, in all reality, it’s probably pretty basic.

Kill: “Selfie”
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Obviously. We, as a race of humans, are the worst. Selfies represent many facets of why we are the worst. Now, to be clear, I’m not even that bothered by them. In fact, if you’re a hot girl, don’t ever stop taking them. Just know that , as pleasing as they can be to the eye, they do speak of a silent desperation, desire to be liked and loneliness.
Beyond the actual seflies, the term “selfie” has become like the word “literally” in it’s misuse. It now means any picture taken by anyone of any number of people. I think as long as someone is holding the camera and taking the picture of themselves and whoever else is with them, it qualifies as a “selfie”, which makes no sense. That’s like calling an orgy “masturbating”.

Fuck: “Hipster”
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I don’t really know how this one lands on “fuck” but it’s pretty much by default. I feel as though Hipster is no longer a useful term cause it means everything and everyone. Basically, If you’re a person between 15-40 and you pay attention to anything involved in the pop culture stratosphere in the slightest capacity, you are a hipster. I’m a hipster. You’re a hipster. Your dad might be a hipster. Clearly, it’s not a select group like it used to be. It’s also turned into a derogatory term for any one who someone feels tries too hard…which is ironic considering that actual hipsters, by nature, are all about trying too hard. They’re all about being the first to know about something and, in general, being ahead of the social curve. You know who the real hipsters are? Crazy right wing separatists. Mark my word, when the the economy collapses and shit starts hitting the fan, they’ll be the ones in their homemade bunkers like “I was about this revolution lifestyle , like, forever…”

FMK: Andie MacDowell, Frances McDormand, Mary Steenburgen

Kill: Frances Mcdormand
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Even though she’s , by far, my favorite actress of this bunch , I’m still a flawed and shallow man. I don’t want to kill her. Not even a little bit but in this fucked up game, there always has to be one. As talented as she is, she’s just not someone I would ever want to put my penis inside (I’m sure the feelings mutual so i don’t feel that bad). This is 100% based on physical traits and I’m ashamed…but i’m also not a liar.

Fuck: Andie Macdowell
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I can’t say I’ve ever been too attracted to Andie Macdowell. She’s made a career of being the sweet and relatable pretty southern lady that dates dudes in their 40’s. As a man inching towards my 40’s, I suppose it’s time I submit and just accept that Andie macdowell is a good pull for an older man (or, I should say, the Andie Macdowell of the 90’s). She’s certainly not an ugly lady. She’s very pretty in that “I don’t care what her vagina looks” kinda way. There’s a definite lack of sexual oomph from Mrs Macdowell. But, hey, if she’s good enough for Steve martin and Bill Murray (in movies), She’s surely good enough for me.

Marry: Mary Steenburgen
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Check this out…She’s low key kinda hot. Very low key. Look at the pic above. I bet you didn’t know that whole thing was working like that, did you? Not only that, as a wife, she seems like she’d be amazing. She’s sweet, warm and just looks like how I imagine a wife looks for an older man. She’s one of those older women who , as a younger man, you never even consider as “attractive” cause they’re so much older than you but, as a full grown adult, i can see it. She’s a sneaky one.

F/M/K Asia, Africa, Europe (the continents, not 80s bands)

Marry: Europe
europe-english-teaching-abroad-map1This is a fucked up one. I should note that I don’t create these options. They are sent in from readers.
So, yeah…I’mma marry Europe. Why? Cause I’m of european descent , I’ve been there a bunch of times and it makes sense to me. I’m sure there are a grip of you out there fondling your lame dicks to the idea of marrying Asia (cause you’re asia-phile creeps) but, to me, I’m all about comfort and simplicity. I may not understand what people are saying in many parts of europe but, for the most part, it still feels like planet earth to me. The signs are in english letters (Except far east), the food is amazing and varied , and the women are just like the food. I dunno if i could ever truly live in another country but , if I did, it would undoubtedly be somewhere in europe.

Fuck: Asia
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I really don’t have a deep desire to go anywhere in Asia. Not saying I wouldn’t, but there’s nothing in me that’s dying to get out there. It should also be noted that I’m also not a person who loves traveling. I do it so much in my normal life that the thrill is gone. That said, I’d do it. So “Fucking” asia makes perfect sense. I’d be most excited about the food cause, let’s face it, asian food is pretty much the best. Other then that, I’m far too much a creature of comfort to ever truly feel at home out there. I had enough trouble feeling chill in eastern europe , let alone a continent with like 100 billion people who don’t speak english and are constantly on the go. Admittedly, I’m the selfish asshole here and i bet the continent of asia is fucking amazing but, hey, no ones perfect.

Kill: Africa
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This one is just setting me up for a backlash. It’s a lose/lose.
I just wanna clarify that Africa is the mother of civilization and , in many ways, the most important continent in earth’s history. None of us would be here without Africa. But this isn’t about history. It’s about the reality of what place ‘d want to marry, fuck or kill. I have ZERO interest ever going there. I’m simply just not that kind of adventurous dude. Some people want to explore foreign lands and experience other cultures. Me? i just wanna eat good food and take it easy. I mean, perhaps if I was a wild life enthusiast or something but, I’m not. I think that Africa is just place that doesn’t speak to my personal interests. All the good things about it are things that don’t really excite me as a destination. Also, civil unrest and disease are not my bag so, regrettably, I would have to kill africa.

Answers for Questions vol. 208

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Helllooooooo. Welcome to another edition of “Answers for questions”. You ask it, i do my best to tell you how I feel about that. If you’d like to ask me anything, my ears are always open. Leave questions in the comment section below or email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com. All I ask is that you try and keep it interesting. If your questions sound like something a college journalist might ask me in 2005, skip that question.
Oh, side note, I’ll be hitting the south for some shows this week from thursday to sunday. If you live in or near Ashville, Atlanta, Pensacola or Jacksonville, come see your boy. Peep my facebook page (The real blockhead) for more info. Shut out to all the heads I saw in the midwest this past week. Thanks for coming out and getting down with your boyeeeeee.
Okay? Okay. Here’s this weeks batch…

Hopefully this is one that you’ve never gotten before. I know you do DJ sets for clubs and festivals; would you ever DJ a wedding? I ask this because I’m getting married next year and one of my only fears about it is getting stuck with a corny DJ who plays some bullshit that we hate all night. One of the solutions I came up with was finding a DJ whose work I am familiar with and respect but that pretty much just leaves hip hop DJs that are pretty well-known. Two problems that may arise would be 1: it would probably be cost-prohibitive, and 2: I don’t know if any respectable DJ would even do it. It really seems like the kind of thing that you get stuck with some dipshit who inevitably starts playing country songs and shitty dance songs that we’re not interested in. We are getting married in New Jersey so I’d imagine that only compounds the problem. I’m not asking you if you would DJ for MY wedding but would you ever DJ a wedding? Do you think any DJ with an ounce of taste would do it, or is it too cheesy? I really just don’t want people doing the Electric Slide and singing Sweet Caroline at my shit.

I have never DJ’d a wedding and I don’t think I ever would. Not cause I 100% wouldn’t want to but cause I’m simply not a competent DJ. The only real djing I’ve done has been low key nights at bars/lounges that were very low pressure and I could pretty much play what I want. That also required no mixing or blending skills. Beyond that, though, I kinda hate djing for crowds cause crowds generally have a certain taste in music that does no coincide with my own.
But, to remove myself from this equation and answer your question, you have a few options.
1)Fuck a dj. Make your own playlist and simply have someone press play and stop when it’s needed. That way, you pick the music and vibe of what’s going on. Sure, having someone Dj may make people more likely feel like it’s a party but, if you’re avoiding a crowd favorite playing dj , that’s clearly not an issue for you.
2)Hire someone you know and specifically tell them the kind of stuff you wanna hear and don’t wanna hear. I know a bunch of people who have done this and it’s worked fine. This person you hire doesn’t need to be Kid Capri. He can be any dude with a serviceable knowledge of how to use serato and a decent music collection.

Listen, by nature, Professional party Dj’s are whores. They will play what you want them to play if you’re the one paying them. So, if you hire some random dude and give him strict instructions, he will follow those instructions…cause it’s his job. I would only say that you need to keep in mind that, while this is your wedding, perhaps your parents and your wife’s parents might not wanna hear rap music all night. All I’m saying is consider all the other people as well. Having a few pop songs cued up for all the basic bitches in the wedding isn’t gonna kill you. After all, it’s a wedding. What could be more basic than that?

Sidenote: i’ve been asked to Dj a few weddings. Never said yes though cause…fuck all that.

If your farts had to sound like an animal, which animal sound would you prefer? Which would you not?

Fart question! poop questions younger and more wacky brother!
Anyway, I feel as if my farts already do sound like animals. Like the death wail of baby fawn. Incidentally, they can smell like that too.
I don’t think I’d want my farts to sound like a dog barking. That just seems like it would be explosive and mildly painful. I think I’d rather have them sound like a mellow cows “Mooooo” or maybe eve a kittens meow. how cute of a fart would that be? Though, in order for that to be possible my butthole would have to so tight I doubt any poop could ever get out.

Seeing as you’ve opened the floodgates to the bedroom producers with your Demo tape review, what are some common pitfalls or mistakes or just n00b-ass tendencies that the learning producer tends to make? How can one sharpen his or her ear to the sounds of n00bishness?
I’d say the most common is sending in a demo before you’re ready. I mean this in the broader sense too. Like, if you’ve been making music for 6 months, play it for friends and people around you. But it’s 99% of the time not gonna be ready for public consumption. So, a huge mistake people make is assuming just cause they create something, it’s special. It’s not. Instead of scrambling to get any sound you make get heard, keep working. Refine your skills. Shape your sound. If you’re making beats or rapping and you know , for a fact, that you sound like someone else, you’re not ready. Keep working until you’ve found your own voice…then let the world hear it. Like I said, play it for friends, get their opinions on it. Hopefully you have honest friends.
Another thing I would recommend is avoiding stock sounds. Not all stock sounds but ones that sound cheap. A huge complaint I have towards a bunch of the demo’s I receive is that the drum and synth sounds just sound weak or corny. I realize you work with what you’re given but there are ways around that. Effects you put on them. Tones that work better than others.
I come from an era of mining for your own drums sounds. We would chop up breaks to get a good kick sound. Or even sampling drums from other rap songs. So I have no patience for people settling on the flimsy drum sounds that come with whatever computer program you just bought. Drums are supposed to be a challenge. They often are what separate good producers from great producers. They took me YEARS to feel confidant about. Hell, I’d say i wasn’t confidant with my drums until after my first solo album…and I had been making beats for 10 years at that point.

What’s the weirdest/out there scene in a porno you remember viewing? This question is being asked with the knowledge that you’re “Mr. Meatn’Potatoes” and that you’ve never been into extreme porn.

“Viewing” is the keyword. I’ve seen some crazy porn in the “Hey dude, watch this fucked up porn video” kinda way. It’s never sexual and always terrible. Like japanese porn where they stuff squid into girls. There’s another famous one where a couple has sex on freshly killed bear. That was awful. Any porn that involves prolapsed anus’ is pretty much my nightmare.
But, in terms of my own viewing for pleasure, I steer clear of any of that shit and , generally, turn something off the second I see something brewing that might go in an unsavory direction.

Which is the best and worst MTV show of all time? Include an honorable mention, so that’s 3 choices in total.
Man, that’s tough. You got so many shows over the years. On one hand, you got stuff like Beavis and Butthead and Liquid TV but also a show like “The real world” pretty much changed TV as we know it.
On some cornball shit, I’m gonna say my #1 show of all time is “Yo!Mtv raps” simply cause it had a profound effect on my life. I used to rush home from school, watch “Video music box” (A local video show that actually far superior to “Yo!”), then watch “Yo!” and it was the best. I feel like , if they re-aired episodes now, I’d still watching it religiously.
As for the worst? It’s a tie between the ill fated “Lyricist Lounge” comedy show and Nick Cannon’s “Wild’n out”. Both these atrocities try to meld hip hop and humor in a way that makes me hate both hip hop and humor. You’d be hard pressed to find something less funny than either of these shows. Perhaps crib death or ethnic cleansing. In fact, if Nick cannon had a show called “Nick Cannon’s ‘Watch this crib death!’, it would only be slightly worse than “Wild’n out”.

What sorts of signals or characteristics does a woman give off that make a man think that she’s “a good time girl” in bed?

I don’t think there are certain things that always do. It’s really on a person to person basis. Like a hyper sexual flirty girl who dances provocatively may think she’s giving off that vibe but, in my experience, those girls are all talk and , more often than not, damaged goods. Same goes for girls who talk a lot of shit about sex. You know how many girls I’ve spoken too who say they give the best head? Tons. You know what the head game was like? Bullshit. The whole “All talk” angle is a very man like thing to do and , just like with men, it’s generally hallow and insecure.
I find the girls that I think would be the best in bed are actually people who are warm and kinda sweet. I know that sounds counterproductive in a way (cause “sweet” kinda can make you think they’ll be uptight) but , generally, a person who seems comfortable in their own skin and accepting of others read, to me, as someone who will be a good time. But, really, it’s hard to tell of characteristics cause the best lovers are people who truly enjoy the acts they’re doing. For a girl, to be into it is like 85% of the act , for men. No one wants to sleep with someone who’s not into it or is obviously not comfortable. Well, except rapists. Those pieces of shit clearly don’t care about all that.

I hooked up with Riff Raff Vol. 4

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You know, I kinda thought we were done here. I assumed the moment had passed and the wonderment of Riff Raff had finally simmered down. Since we last checked, the enigmatic rapper has released his first real album, has probably been touring relentlessly and it’s most likely a wealthy man. All I know for sure is that his Vine is still pretty funny.
Anyway, I got an email from a young lady the other day telling me she had just slept with Riff Raff the prior night. It was my first unsolicited admission, as all the others were arranged through people I actually knew. I was a little suspect and asked her if there is any way she could prove this wasn’t fake. She understood and sent me a screen cap of their twitter DM’s and, well, good enough for me. And , after reading her synopsis of the night, I 100% believe her. If nothing else, Riff Raff has proven to be consistent.
So, here’s what she sent me:
Well I’d always wanted to meet him and when he followed me I figured it was my chance. He’s really odd but attractive in a way and so he ended up texting me and said “hey”. I said “what’s up?”. He asked where I was at and I said my house, and he didn’t reply after that. Well, me and my girl were drinking and I hadn’t texted him again in a couple days. I didn’t wanna come off as like a crazy fan and Annoy him, ya know? So, I texted him a topless picture. kinda forward ,I know. Not my proudest moment but tequila makes ya risky. So, he asked where I was at and if I also had a friend I was bringing and asked for our instagrams and then proceeded to give us his address. He was staying at the veer. It’s really nice and hard to find. Definitely expensive. Finally, we find the place and get in. I call him and hand the phone to the clerk ,who lets us up ,and we get to his room. I was pretty drunk but he was a very chill person. Seemed careful though. For instance, once me and my girl got in , I charged my phone but she asked if she could take a picture and he tripped out a little bit. He has to keep his stuff private , you know? He didn’t like her very much after that so she went to wait in the lobby with her friend and left me alone. It was all very quick and I sucked him up for a little and he used a condom. It didn’t last very long as far as I remember but he asked to cum on my face and I let him ,which I never do. lol. After I hopped in his shower real quick and he had somewhere to go maybe a club? And I left with my friend it wasn’t a very long visit he was very chill with me tho

So there you have it. I think the highlight for me is that he asked to see their instagrams. Smart man. Surely, a man who has had his share of unwanted surprises, when it comes to female guests. Also, the sexual description really cracked me up to. Just so direct. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a sexual tryst described like “I sucked him him up for a little and he used a condom”.
Anyway, I asked this girl to answer some more questions and she was kind enough to oblige.
Here those are:

Have you hooked up with other famous people?

No actually this was the first time

How quickly did he get into it once your friends left? was it assumed that it was on?

Yeah definitely after our texts and right away.

What made you let him cum in your face (cause you mentioned you don’t usually do that)? Just for the experience ,going with the flow or something else?

The experience mainly I thought it was pretty hilarious plus my really drunken state made me say yeah easier

What was the drug situation like that night, for both of you?

None for me and honestly as far as I know he could have been sober.

Is this the kinda experience you will tell future boyfriends about?

If they are the chill type I think it would be a cool story but definitely depends on the person.

Did you find him to be respectful or business like in how he went about the whole thing?

Both. he was really chill but we were both there for one thing

Would you do it again?

Yeah if he’s down

Would you ever date a guy like riff raff seriously?

No I don’t think so I’d honestly have to get to know him better but he’s really odd and way older

Do you consider his persona to be real or put on for the public?

Real lol

RIFF

Answers for Questions Vol. 207

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What up? Welcome to another edition of “Answers for questions”.You ask it, I answer it. It can be about anything. The weirder the better. If this sounds like something you’d like to participate in, then get on it! Ask me questions! Send them to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. It’s all anonymous so don’t be shy.
Let’s delve into this weeks grab bag.

Recently watched the movie Chef, and one major thing came up in my mind, which is doing what you believe in and what your superiors or powers that be ask you to.

You ever been asked to dj for certain parties, but get a ton of pre-party instructions from the organizer or host to play songs that you aren’t really feeling?

How were you able to deal with the situation, did you play what’s dope to you, find the middle ground, or just completely adhered to these pre-party instructions that go against what you believe.

I’ve never really been that kinda of DJ. To be honest, I’ve never been a DJ at all. I’ve dj’d but , in most of those cases, it was just some low key “for fun” type shit at dive bars. This would generally mean me playing whatever I want (which would typically be old soul music and hip hop) and even that was actually annoying cause , once people get drunk, the requests starts. When the requests start, that’s when the job really starts to be no fun. I wrote about that very topic a while back:https://phatfriend.com/2012/02/01/no-requests/
But as far as being told to play a certain type of music at certain parties, I’ve been fortunate to not have to deal with that shit. Sure, if people are dancing and you want them to continue dancing, you’re going to have to play stuff you might not love. But it shouldn’t be a soul crushing experience. After all, you are getting paid for that job and , let’s be honest, there are many worse ways to earn a wage.
The closest I can recall is this one time I was playing some weird electronic festival in upstate NY and the promoter, who was only vaguely familiar with my music, just asked me to not play anything too “rappy”. This was an issue cause my set is full of “rappy” things as I tend to make instrumental rap music. But , it all worked out in the end (I ended up not playing at all due to poor planning on their part).

question for answer: are you into battle rap at all? i heard drake just challenged murda mook to a battle which is HILARIOUS!
Eh…I’ve seen some funny ones and the dudes are generally pretty good but the whole no beat thing is pretty corny to me. I feel like part of rapping is being on beat and the beatless battle scene has opened the doors for endless guys who probably can’t even write a proper 16 bar verse. I mean, there are dudes like Nocando who are both able to battle and make a good song but, i dunno, a lot of those dudes are limited once you drop a drum a beat or ask them to do anything outside of that realm. It’s really just semi-rhytmic mother jokes told by angry spoken word poets.
That said, some of those dudes are extremely clever and have some really great lines. As a dude who used to rap and write “battle raps” (in the early 90’s sense of the phrase), I will always appreciate that angle of it. To be creative within that spectrum is not easy, considering everything has been said by now.

The other night my buddy who is getting married had his “bachelor” party at a Feed Me concert. While he was good and has a following. Something kept coming to my mind. His set up is ridiculous. While it’s cool and all, I feel it’s over the top, on one hand is part of the “spectacle”, Speaking of spectacle I was almost hugged by this rave baby in fur boots but ill tell you that story another time. On the other hand I feel its part of his overcompensation. His set is not that great, its only a “party time” sound. It’s not much of something you listen to while at home chilling. That being said and I am sure you got insight, how do you feel about the spectacle of a show? when is it good and where is that line of over the top?

I think we live in a funny time for live music. Due to the abundance of electronic acts, there’s simply a lot of studio music that is now being “performed” live. I’m no different. It’s all stuff that’s made in a very particular way that now has to somehow be transferred onto a stage. Some people do this by bringing as many machines and gadgets as possible on stage with them. Some opt for just focusing on the visual aspect of the show and cover the stage in screens and LED lights. In both cases, it’s just a whole lot of extra. Now, I 100% get that this is something that needs to be done cause, really, selling a laptop or dj set as a live show experience is tough. I’m older and I clearly remember a time when a dude standing on a stage with a laptop would have been laughed off that stage. Now it’s so normal, no one even questions it. Let me also clarify, I’m part of this. I Do laptop shows. So, I’m in no way pointing fingers here. It’s simply where live music is right now. As much as I’m not into it as a fan (To be honest, I’m over seeing live music in general) I definitely am glad we’ve arrived here , from an artists perspective. Not only does it allow people like me to go and play my music for people but it also pays my bills!
As for the whole “Party time” sound, I think that’s kinda what artists have to do, when approaching live performance. When I started doing laptop sets, I had all sorts of down tempo shit in my set. You know what? It bored the shit out of the crowd and killed the vibe in the room. After those first few tours, I opted to try to find a way to kick up the energy in my set without making my music something it’s not. That means raising the bpm’s a little. That means approaching some more moody and slow songs in a lighter, more fun kinda way. To me, it’s all about finding that middle ground. Some artists go way further with that and make their entire live set something completely different than their recorded music. Really, whatever works. I’ve had people be bummed about my live set not being “More chill” but that’s simply not the vibe of live music. Energy is everything. The idea is to somehow harness that energy in a way that still reflects your recorded music.
I’d also like to add that my new album “Bells and whistles” is partially named around this very topic. Cause really, as electronic artists, sometimes that’s all we got.

Do you have a fave bodega? What classifies as a “great” bodega and what classifies as a “terrible” one?
To people who may live outside of the east coast, a bodega is basically a corner store. They sell all your low level shopping needs, they make sandwiches and are typically run my arabs, koreans or puerto ricans/dominicans. The worse the neighborhood, the cheaper and more authentic they are. If fact, you can often gauge the level of gentrification in a neighborhood by the prices and the level of potato chips at a bodega. They got kale chips? That hood is long gone and you probably can’t afford to live there. If the only cakes they have are little debbie off shoots? Clutch that purse tight cause you’re in the hood.
Anyway,I don’t have a specific favorite Bodega currently. The one on my corner is bullshit and total rip off. Also, the people who run it are dickheads. When I was growing up there was one around the corner from my house that was excellent. They made great sandwiches, they were friendly and they sold me 40’s when I was 15 years old. Good guys. I still drop by that place when I’m in the area and it’s exactly the same now as it was 20 years ago. That’s a rare feat in NYC nowadays. They do have kale chips though. Like 10 varieties.

– Where do you look for samples for the music you make? Own record collection, dollar bins, random purchases, e-digging,… Or do you know beforehand what you want to do and don’t really have to look, like stuff a relative or friend listened to and you thought “Hmm that might work”.

– Depending on that last question: have you ever come across a record or song that was so good you couldn’t sample it, which was it?

Nowadays, I strictly dig online. I’ve given up on records cause 1)The ones I’d want to sample are too rare and expensive. I refuse to pay crazy amounts of money for some greedy record collector who decides how much his records are worth depending on how badly you want them. 2)All the spots near me have been thoroughly ripped. It’s NYC, everyone makes beats and the record stores show that.
So, what I do is I go to various music blogs that give away rare albums and I download them. The quality it typically pretty good and the variety of stuff I find is insane. And it’s free. That’s huge. Sounds cheap but once you realize that the artists you’re sampling wouldn’t be getting a cut no matter how you found the music, it lessens the guilt greatly.
So, yeah, I just go on binges and download tons of random albums. Then I slowly sift through them and save the songs I think I can do something with. I even organize them by instrument in an itunes folder so, when it’s time to make a beat and I need a guitar sound, I can locate it immediately and pick between tons of different possible samples.
As for the last question, I avoid sampling any song I would actually listen to in real life. So, with that in mind, there are endless soul songs I’ve passed over simply cause I didn’t want to ruin them for myself, as songs I enjoy. Those songs, however, I do often sample for my live set.

What is your 2nd least favorite animal (after cats, of course) and why

Rats. I hate rats. I’m scared of them. They’re gross. They’re everywhere. They also have no fear of human beings. I think that’s the most unsettling aspect to them. They will waddle right by you and not even flinch. Fuck rats. I think I actually like cats more than rats. The only advantage rats have on cats is that I’m not allergic to rats. God…I fucking hate rats.

Demo Reviews Vol. 57

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It is time, once again, for Demo Reviews. This is where you, the reader, send me some of your own music so I can tell you what I think of it. It should be noted, I really am not the best guy to review music cause the scope of what I actually like is so minimal, it’s almost not fair. But, you guys seems to want to know my worthless opinion on your music so this keeps going on.
I’d like to thank all of you who submitted music. If you sent me a song, it’s in the queue. That said, SUBMISSIONS ARE CLOSED. I’M NOT ACCEPTING ANY MORE DEMO SUBMISSIONS. I got enough to last me a while. If you wanted to submit but missed the boat, sorry. But also realize you will have a chance again. You just have to wait.
Anyway, the reviews work like so: I do a brief write up then arbitrarily rate your music from 1-10 in these categories:
Production
Vocals
Listenability
Originality

And that’s that.
This week’s batch starts off pretty bad but , towards the middle/end, it actually picks up nicely. Let’s check it and don’t forget to vote for your favorite demo at the end.

Artist: Sacral Crown
Song:Too faced


On one hand, it’s a decent , evolving spaced out vibe but I can’t say the parts that blend into one another really work for me. There is nothing really connecting one part to the next, tonally. They aren’t out of key or anything, they just don’t really compliment each other. Also, some of the drum sounds are pretty lame sounding. There’s some good ideas buried in here. I just don’t think it was executed particularly well.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:N/a
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:5 out of 10

Artist:Jumpship
Song:Masked faced


The beat is totally whatever. It’s just there. That said, clearly, this song was made for the vocals to be at the forefront. The rapper is skilled and definitely has a strong political angle. He kinda sounds like a newscaster doing double time raps to me. Something about the delivery was kinda funny to me. He can rap but it’s like he was putting emphasis on on the wrong words. At least he wasn’t doing that awful breathless style people continue to try and make happen.
Production:3.5 out of 10
Vocals:5.5 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Kobra Bubbles
Song: Ambrosial


Is this like easy listening dub step? They play this in the chill room at the rave? Still got that wamp but in a way more pleasant way? Yeah, this is…what that is. At least to my unlearned ears. I never know what to do or say about music like this. It’s situational but I struggle to find when that situation would be. The “wamp” part is hell on earth to me but I’m guessing another person would love it. The mellower part just sounds like the music they play in airports in the future.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Patternapparatus
Song: Flowchart


This may not be my cup of tea ,musically, but at least it’s interesting. Very creative programming that borders on annoying at times but it’s cleverly crafted and I feel as if the producer has discerning taste when it comes to drum sounds and synths. That can go a long way. Even though I don’t wanna really bump this on my own, it’s undeniably well done.
Definite points for creativity as well.
Production:6.5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:6.5 out of 10

Artist: Midnight Mosh
Song:Lucy’s fun Ft. Satan


This is a bit of a mess. Beat wise, it started with promise but it sounds like a baby made the drums and it was mixed by someone who hates music. The rapping is just trying too hard while lacking the basic rap skills that every mc requires to succeed. That said, I don’t think that’s on the minds of the rappers very much in the first place. This sounds like the work of some very stoned people. Sadly, it’s not even original cause it sounds like a really lame version of Captain Murphy.
Production:3.5 out of 10
Vocals:4 out of 10
Listenability:3 out of 10
Originality:3.5 out of 10

Artist:Morris Colossus
Song:Martinis made of tears


I swear, after the demo’s I’ve had to sit though today , hearing a good rapper is like a flash of bright light. This dude is pretty dope. He’s got all the basics covered. I’d definitely like to hear him on a different kinda track. This minimal Ka like shit is cool but it doesn’t really get to show what he sounds like over…i dunno…drums. But, whatever, best rapper I’ve had in these demo reviews in a long time. That alone makes me smile.
Production:4 out of 10
Vocals:7 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Pepe
Song:Only lovers left alive


This is pretty cool. The transitions are a little clunky and the drums are a touch dry but the ideas are here. Nice sample editing. More than anything, this shows potential. This guy is not quite there yet, skill wise, but he’s well on his way. In a few years, I can see his focus sharpening and finding a really good sound for himself.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Artist: Moonrunner
Song: Long Nights


This is quintessential emotional instrumental music pulled of well. It builds, goes places and resolves. It’s very nicely put together, on all fronts. I like the break and it’s got a cool “melodic wall of sound” thing going for it. My only gripe with it is that it’s something that’s been done to death for years but that doesn’t mean it’s bad at all. Just nothing new.
Production:6 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Lucid optics
Song: Mind of psilocybin


I did not expect a rapper to pop in there. I was already to be like “This is definitely someone on mushrooms making beats”. I can still say that but it’s amazing how much a rapper will improve a beat for me. So, yeah, the beat is actually good as a track for an mc to rap on. The rapper is very solid. I don’t love his voice but he can rap without question. Abstract white guy rapz done well.
I gotta say, the beats and rhymes actually marry very nicely.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:6 out of 10
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
Originality:5 out of 10

Artist: Noir
Song: Dinner with Noir


I can’t help but think this is play on “Dinner with blockhead”, only cause it’s sampling a very similar kind of music as I did…maybe even the same song. That would be a funny. Anyway, this is solid but nothing too special. Very dramatic but in that classical music kinda way that has been done to death by now. It’s done well on a technical level but feels a touch stiff overall.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:n/a
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

So, what do you think?

Defending my Tweets Vol. 11

donald-sterling-clippers
Hi there and welcome to another edition of “Defending my tweets”. An Idea I 100% lifted from the now defunct “Jesilnik Offensive”. It’s a little different over here, though. Sometimes, 140 characters is simply not enough. This is me expanding on tweets I made in an attempt to better explain myself or dig myself into an even deep hole. Either way, I do it for the children. Let’s go.

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I think, by nature, everyone wants to be liked by others. We can all sit here and be like “man, I don’t give a fuck…I’mma do me and anyone who gets in my way can deal with it”. It’s like the people on reality shows who always say “I didn’t come here to make friends” while justifying their abhorrent behavior. I’ve always been honest about this kind of thing to myself. As much as I want to act as if I don’t care, I do. We all do. Being liked feels good. Being respected feels better but, hey, we can’t have it all , can we?
In social situations, I’m a very nice guy. I go out of my way to be friendly and cordial to all the people I come across. If you’ve ever met me and I wasn’t like this, chances are I was in the middle of something that was too consuming for me to fully focus or you came at me like a prick. But, like I said, I’m generally pretty chipper and easy going.
Every now and then, we all come across someone who simply does not like us. We don’t know why. In my experience, it’s a person I’ve just met who is simply immediately rubbed the wrong way by me. Now, cause I know I’m being friendly and polite , this person either has some preconceived notions about me or they just hate my face. When I was younger, my immediate reaction to this would be to try and win them over. Kill them with kindness. Turns out, if someone doesn’t like you, it’s really hard to change that persons mind. In fact, being overly kind and sweet to them seems to only fan the flames of disdain. I used to ponder my role in these types of exchanges and question what I had done wrong. I’m a bit older now and realize, oh wait, THEY’RE the asshole. It was right in front of my face the entire time but I choose to ignore it. That person who goes out of their way to be a cold dickface to you for no real reason? Turns out, they can suck a thousand miles of horse dicks and eat shit till infinity. Who knew?
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This one confused a few people when I posted it. I got a flood of “That’s why you shouldn’t drink coffee!” and various opinions on the different types of milk. Let me clarify, I don’t drink coffee. This was a joke. Was it a good joke? Not really but a joke nonetheless. At the very least, it had a point. It always fun to have to clarify these things cause nothing takes the wind out of a joke than explaining it but it’s truly impressive how people on the internet cannot help themselves when it comes to opting to be the dumbest motherfuckers alive. Actually, I don’t even know if I can lend the responses to being dumb. No, this was more a case of people just feeling the need to give their opinion on something…anything.
“The topic is “coffee” you say? Hey, i have thoughts on that! Allow me to shit them out all over my computer/smart phone!”
If we are able to step back from someone mentioning the warm beverage enjoyed by millions of people, we might see that this tweet was about something entirely different. I posted this shortly after the Ray Rice incident, where pretty much every person involved with it on some level was asked to resign and possibly be paddled in public. Some rightfully so, others just to clean house and make everyone happy regardless of their part they played in the scandal. Asking people to resign is the new public apology. Shit, as little as a year ago, people would do some dumb/outlandish/horrific thing and simply be asked to go somewhere public and say “I’m sowwy!” in their best 5 year olds voice. But, lately, the grip has tightened. We tolerate nothing and the fall out of every scandal means , at least, 5 or 6 people are going down with the ship. While a guy like Ray Rice should go right the fuck to jail, maybe we need to fall back on becoming the judge and jury of who gets to keep their jobs outside of the people directly involved. I believe all of this is led entirely by public outrage. An outrage, I might add, that is generally way less than how the media portrays it. Were people disgusted by what Ray Rice did? Fuck yeah. He’s a total piece of shit. But was asking the commissioner of football to step down cause of what this guy (and a few others) did justified? That’s really not for me or joe public to decide. That’s the problem. These type of incidents tend to give us, the nobodies on our couch, the idea that what we think matters. Well it generally doesn’t. There’s money involved that way over our head and pay grade. Sure, some false outrage toward scapegoats is the american way but, in reality, they’re really only gonna fire people that are expendable…or people so sullied by these acts that they can’t be redeemed. Donald sterling types. They realize “if we keep this guy around, we will lose money”. That’s the moral compass of everything. Luckily for me, in my made up twitter world where I drink coffee, that barista who fucked up my imaginary order is as expendable as Donald sterling. And that’s MY moral compass.

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We live in a mystical and magical time where most of the relationships we see are the product of the internet in some form or fashion. Hell, were it not for myspace, I doubt I would have ever really met my girlfriend. Yes, I said myspace…we’ve been together for a long time.
Anyway, All this is common knowledge at this point and hearing how your mom and dad met on tinder probably won’t be weird in 20 years. But , of all the ways people meet, has there ever been a more misguided and lazy tactic than “poking” someone on facebook? I’m honestly shocked “poking” is still allowed. It’s like the most soft and subtle form of sexual harassment known to man. The fucked up thing about “poking” is that you can’t block or disable them. Facebook gives you the choice with all sorts of things. You can block this, you can block that, you can give your bank info to advertisers by signing up for anything. But, for some inexplicable reason, the ability to be “poked” is untouchable. It’s the cockroach of facebook apps. What is your gameplan, facebook? Is there some secret illuminati affiliation with poking that I’m not aware of? I can hide particular posts from particular people but the only way to stop from being poked on facebook is to erase my profile all together and throw my laptop in a secluded river. But that’s just one level of this. To the people who poke…why?
I mean, i get it. I’d imagine the same people who use that poke function liberally are the same types of people who live by that “If you hit on a 1000 girls, one of them will eventually say yes” mantra. But i wonder, has poking ever worked? It must have. That means, somewhere out there, there is a girl who received a poke from a gentleman and was like “OMG!”. Months later, they were wed , bare foot on a beach with the sun setting behind them. Dreams coming true, all over the fucking place.
Clearly, poking someone is a less forthright way of saying “Wanna fuck or nah?” to a stranger/passing acquaintance. That’s all it is. No one’s ever “poked” someone as if to say “Hey, I know your grandma died, i’m here for you”. It doesn’t work like that. Poking is a slightly less intrusive unrequested dick pic. But, hey, i suppose two people can find love anywhere. Or two scumbags can get laid via poking. Apples and oranges.