Defending my tweets vol. 12


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I tweet stuff. Often it’s brain farts. Sometimes I need to explain them a little more than I can in 140 characters. This is that. As always, respect due to Anthony Jesilnik for the idea and RIP his TV show. Luckily for me, you can’t cancel blogs.

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Before I get more into this, I’d just like to say the idea of a nation being torn apart over whether tater tots or fries are the definitive side dish is pretty funny to me. I like to imagine a dystopian world where there are two sides and nothing in between. People killing one another over the belief that their version of a fried potato is superior to the other version. It could happen! Just watch.
Let me say that I’m firmly on team Tater tot. For some reason, on the east coast, tater tots are rare. I was recently traveling in the midwest and the north west and was delighted to see tater tots pop up all over the fucking place. Now, to be clear, french fries are awesome. No one hates french fries. But tater tots , maaaaaaaaaan! Crispy on the outside, chewy on the inside. Nothing has ever been described that way that wasn’t delicious (excluding a fried condom).
It baffles me that tater tots aren’t the norm. For one, kids love them. Secondly, they’re perfect. Why can’t we have both? Not to mention, think off all the things you can do with them. There’s this comedy club in NY called “The stand” that has a menu that was seemingly made by the highest people on earth. They have shit like cheeseburger dumplings and spicy tuna tartare cannolis. They also have Tater tot nachos which is exactly what it sounds like…tater tots smothered in all the same shit you put on nachos. I had it once and almost put my hard dick through the plate. It was that good. Sure, gravy , cheese fries are great too. But with tater tots, we have a whole new world of unchartered , heart stopping death trap cuisine to tap into. That place sonic does cheese filled tots. I haven’t had them but how bad could those be? The answer: It could not be bad…cause you can’t fuck up tater tots. Where as, i’ve had some pretty half assed fries in my life.
All I’m saying is, as good as fries are (in their many different incarnations) tater tots are better. Either you’re with me or against me.

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Remember when counter cultures existed? I do. I can clearly recall when someone having a tattoo made them seem edgy or when a person being a vegan was totally unheard of. Hell, I didn’t know what a straight edge person was until I went to college and met kids from the suburbs. But it’s 2014 and those days are no more. As usual, the internet has changed the game. Taking something that was fringe and making it as normal as wearing dockers and boat shoes. Somehow, it’s almost flipped everything on it’s back. I don’t have any tattoos. I’ve never in my life wanted one. I’m simply not that interested in a commitment of that depth. Somehow, it’s gotten to the point where I’ve actually had conversations with people about how me not having tattoos is “really original”. While that is ridiculous, it’s also pretty telling. Clearly, there is nothing original about not having tattoos. People have not had them for centuries. Most people don’t have them. I’m still team Norm-core , in that sense. But I suppose , as a person who’s involved in “art”, I am in the minority on some level.
Add in that I don’t smoke weed and people look at me like I’m crazy. Weed people. They are a fascinating bunch. I used to smoke weed all the time. I had a decent run but then it simply didn’t feel good anymore. When you tell a weed enthusiast this, they kinda nod like they aren’t listening then launch into how maybe I haven’t smoked the right weed or maybe I didn’t smoke the right way…Cause it’s not possible for someone to simply not enjoy how weed makes you feel. You see we’re all like snowflakes and each one of us is blah blah blah. Nah, dude, I just don’t like weed. It’s all good though. More for you. You can legalize it. I truly don’t care.
But I do miss being a part of something in a way. I was never a full on “weed guy” but the camaraderie was nice. Even being a hip hop purist/nerd was like that in the 90’s and early 2000’s. Nowadays, I’d rather be locked in a rock with a rabid lion than someone who wants to chat about the four elements of hip hop with me. So, perhaps, this all just part of getting older. You just start caring less about lots of things you used to value greatly. My counter culture nowadays? People who spend way too much money on expensive meals. i ride with those motherfuckers all day. My peoplez.

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I read yesterday that the owner of Grumpy cat has made close to 100 million dollars so far. That number could be wrong (good lord, I hope it is) but still…she quit her job as a waitress to become the full time manager of fucking Grumpy Cat. They made a movie…about grumpy cat. The cat who’s physical deformity became a meme. A deformed fucking cat. A fucking cat. Cat.
Now, this doesn’t effect me in the slightest. Aside from my natural aversion to all things cat related, I certainly cannot knock the hustle of Grumpy cat’s owner. In fact, props to her. She hit the lottery. But there is something truly beautiful about all of this. While there are millions of actors in the country struggling to maybe one day get a bit role in a local car dealership commercial with faint hopes someone sees it and gives them a slightly bigger role in a national car commercial, a deformed cat comes along and balls out of control. If nothing else, it goes show you how little talent matters and how much luck and timing play into success.
I’ve long hated on actors. Not cause they aren’t talented but cause they’re mostly self absorbed dip shits who think what they do makes them important. Musicians aren’t much better. It dawned on me over the last five years that, past a certain point of skill and years of experience , most actors can act well enough. By that, I mean that once you’ve reached a certain level of acting , you can be good if the right role materializes. Look at a dude like Jared Leto. He’s been shitty in movies and Tv since he was on My so called life. Then, all of sudden, he plays that guy with AIDS in “Dallas Buyers club” and he now owns an oscar (I think…It might have been a golden globe). This wasn’t cause he all of sudden become a good actor. He simply got the right role. I’d be willing to bet you could plug in an number of other actors in that exact same role and the movie would have been exactly the same. Remember when Matthew Mcconaughey played doofy male leads in rom-com’s and no one took him seriously? I’m just saying. Luck and timing. Don’t be shocked if someone like Mclovin’ turns in an oscar worthy performance in our lifetime. All he needs is the right role and that’s fucking hilarious to me.
So, to all you struggling actors out there, don’t quit your day job. unless you happen to buy a deformed cat that the internet loves then, by all means, quit your day job.

4 thoughts on “Defending my tweets vol. 12

  1. nice “straight edge” shoutout haha. Grew up in the surburbiest surburban suburb ever and I remember that being the hugest deal with the older kids in like ’97/98. Don’t remember the actual definition, but I associate vegan, no drinking/drugs, lots of sex, JNCO jeans, X’s on hands, primary colors, plastic jewelry and being sober at raves – with those 2 words.

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