Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 42


Copy (2) of bad-advice
Hellooooooo. It’s time once again for “Ask Dr. Tony”. I’m not licensed to drive, let alone give you any sort of real life answers but, you know what? Fuck all that. I’m a level headed and honest guy. I will tell you how it is without petting your fragile ego. At least as I see it.
So, if you have any life problems that an aging hip hop producer might be able to help you with, send them my way. Email me questions- phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. It’s all anonymous. This is a safe place.

Greetings blockhead. Need an opinion. So I broke up with girl A around new years and parted ways. Was planning on marrying this one but didn’t happen since she became a drug addict and things got ugly. Well after this break up she moved back with mom and dad across the country and we remained friends. Now she’s clean, back on her feet and offered to fly me down for my birthday in march. Well after said plans I started seeing girl B and things are going well. Basically I know if I go I’ll end up cheating on girl B, if we’re still together, and that will turn me into a scumbag. Basically I have 0 physical resistance to girl A. What’s a guy to do???

Hmm…I hate to be vague guy over here but that really depends on you. Do you see a future with girl B? Or is she just someone you like enough to hang around with but don’t really want a long term life with? Also, what’s the end game with Girl a? Could you be with her again, now that she’s clean? Is that even possible , considering she no longer lives near you?
Seems to me, from a logical standpoint, you’d be flying out to see this girl just to have sex with her, in spite of your current relationship. There’s no future in that. However, if Girl B is not someone you think of as a long term person , then maybe this is your way of weaseling out of that relationship.
All I can say is, if you do go see girl A, break up with girl B first. It’s the honorable thing to do. If you’re too much of a pussy to do that, then just cheat. Cause it clearly seems like you have your mind made up.

So I’ve fallen in like with this girl. Problem is she’s on Twitter. She doesn’t exist in reality. She’s almost like a fantasy. She’s a beautiful Russian/Jewish woman from Canada and I just can’t get enough of her. She’s smart, insightful, a sense of humor, easy to talk to. I’ve gone so far as to DM her and even exchange emails so I can show her some stuff I write from time to time. Oh, and she’s mentioned a boyfriend. So the realist in me says the DMs/convos are nothing more than a friendly gesture. She’s like 30, older woman, in a relationship, different country and who knows what the Fuck else. We live our separate lives. But there’s another side of me that says Fuck it if all of these things are true and I can’t make the relationship progress any further why not tell her how I feel? What have I to lose but the specter of an internet relationship that couldn’t have gone anywhere anyhow? So my main questions are should I tell her? And how do you feel about this social network era we’re living in? Doesn’t this aspect of it suck?

Bro, back away from the computer and let her be.
You ever been talking to a girl at a bar and within minutes of the harmless conversation she mentions her boyfriend? That’s code for “This is just friendly and nothing else. Don’t get the wrong idea”. If a person makes their significant other known it’s for a reason. It is only another way when they bring it up but start complaining about that person. Then I could see why your ears might perk up. But that doesn’t sound like what’s going on here at all.
My guess would be she’s friendly and doesn’t view you as anything more than an internet acquaintance. She’s older, taken and doing fine in life. I don’t imagine she’s trolling twitter for dick from dudes in other countries. That said, if this is something you can’t hold in, there is 100% no harm in letting her know. The downside of that, however, is that she will most likely reject you and never interact with you again. Cause, as little as you have got to lose by telling her, is as little as she’s got to lose by politely saying “No thanks” then blocking you on all social networks.

Hey tony, my boyfriend and i have been goin strong for about 7 or 8 months, no complaints, very content together. I feel shallow even thinking this but the way he eats drives me insane. He chews with his mouth open loudly and will talk while pigging out. He also has a fungus on both his big toes that i know he could treat with some effort. Is there a way i can tell him or things i can do to nudge him in the right direction? Im not the best at being delicate sometimes i tend to be blunt about things but i dont want to come off asa controlling bitch. Please help

Hmm…shitty habits of your partner. That’s a tough one. I’d say the toe thing is more likely fixable. It effects his health and is clearly disgusting. So, even though he may be a gross person who willingly lives with toe fungus, perhaps all he needs is a push. Maybe link him with a podiatrist and make up some scary toe fungus facts that might scare him into fixing the issue.
As for the eating thing…that’s harder. I think you fully have the right to say something to him but it’s impossible to not make it sound like nagging. That’s something a mom would nag her son about. That’s a tricky dynamic to pull off. No girlfriend wants to be like a mother to her man. Well, some do but that’s an entirely different topic. Sadly, this problem with how he eats is more your problem than his in that I bet he doesn’t even realize he does it and couldn’t stop if he wanted to. You just happen to be grossed out by it (understandably so). So, you could say something to him about for sure…I just wouldn’t expect much results. Also, your boyfriend sounds like a total fucking slob.

Dear Tony,

So I’ll start from the top. I met a girl about 2 years ago through going to shows. We started seeing each other more and more and I eventually asked her out on a date. We hit it off immediately, but both of us had reservations about having a real relationship. I’ll also note that she has a kid from a previous relationship, and she has told me that she cheated in her previous relationship.

As we hung out more and more, we eventually fell into a relationship and it was pretty amazing at first. However, this girl is extremely flirtatious and has trouble turning down attention from the opposite sex, whether I am within view or not. I tried and tried to contain my jealousy, but its a real emotion and I should have taken the way it made me feel more seriously. Her selfishness doesn’t allow room for considering other’s feelings. RED FLAG

Anyways, she acted on some opportunities in more than one situation. To my knowledge, she says she has never slept with anyone while we were together, but my idea of cheating includes seeking any level of intimacy with someone other than your partner. She had a little fling when on a family vacation, which I found out about way after the fact. Then we went to a festival in another country, and I caught her making out with this random guy on the ground. In that situation, I think she actually got roofied, and I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t found her. Still doesn’t excuse her putting herself in that situation. RED FLAG

We took a break after that, but ended up back together again. Then she ALMOST got in a threesome with a dysfunctional couple, but removed herself from the situation and called me and said how bad she felt. That was strike three, and I know I should have ended it there but I made a pact that if it happened again I would end it. RED FLAG

Well, then we decided, lets get a place together! Cause that will magically solve things. I still can’t figure out why she agreed to do it if she wasn’t willing to commit. I tried to get over her past indiscretions, but my trust was gone. I ended up looking at her Facebook messages and told her (it ended up being an old set of messages from before we were dating) but she threatened me by saying “I’ll give you a reason not to trust me!” RED FLAG

She ended up going to a show with friends from work on a Friday and I had a bad feeling. I asked her the next day if she had kissed anyone, and she said no. The next morning I woke up and remembered a dream where she left me for another guy. RED FLAG

We go to dinner with her friends from work (she tried to back out), and I noticed she was talking to another guy a lot. Didn’t think much of it until she was texting nonstop on the way home. We get into bed and she says we are moving too fast and one of us needs to move out (1 year and 10 months into the relationship). I ask if there is another guy and she says yes. I considered entertaining an open relationship, but my lack of trust and her lack of respect will likely prevent that from ever working.

Phew. That was a lot. Anyways, on to my question: I have broken up with her, but we still live together. We still run in the same crowd and go to the same shows. How do I truly end this in a peaceful manner and move on? How do I stop thinking that I still need her in my life? I feel like we could be friends eventually, but dragging this out now may kill that chance.

She’s clearly not a girl you can ever seriously date. Look at all the red flags (side note: you having a dream about her leaving you doesn’t count as a red flag).
I realize this is much easier to see and rationalize from the outside looking in but I feel as though resentment alone should have driven you away from this girl. Is she that great? Is the pussy that bomb? To me, she sounds like a nightmare. Dating a girl who is a flirt is never easy but add on that she’s a born cheater and you might as well just jump off a building instead of instilling any trust or emotion into her.
The best way to peacefully move on is let her be. Let her do what she’s gonna do and don’t take it personal. She’s gonna do the same shit to the next guy. Sadly, there is no real way to stop how you feel and stop your mind from thinking about what could be. The best you can do is always focus on the bad shit and apply it to your life. Like “Hmm…she cheated on me a lot and made me feel like an insecure piece of shit”. Or “There is no way in hell I could ever truly trust this person”.
Dude, she had you considering polyamory and I’m willing to bet she didn’t even put it on the table. That’s was you just grasping at straws to keep her.
Forget being friends. If that happens it happens, For the time being you just gotta be cordial but uninvolved in her life. Trust me, there are plenty of girls who will go to shows with you.

6 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 42

  1. Hey Block, it’s the dude who had the twitter crush. just wanted to say thanks for answering and that you’re absolutely right. not only is it not in my best interests to confess but I should exercise some discipline over myself because of how easy it is to lose sight of the big picture. we have our own lives and it’s just a potential friendship that if I don’t ruin now could be stronger. more loss than gain. thanks again and I’ll be sure to pick up your new music whenever I get the chance.

  2. thanks for the response, helps to get an outside perspective. i think i mainly needed to write all that out to fully understand how dumb i was.

  3. hey, blockface,

    i’m a long time listener, first time colander…

    what’s your initial response when you hear the news that some well known rapper has died?

    is it any of the following: (?)

    1. “thank fuck they’re gone”

    2. “i don’t recall ever caring about them”

    3. “that name reminds me of a typo i seen on a twitter comment once”

    4. “i better paypal some cash to the deceased rappers family member so they can bury him/her”

    5. “i haven’t listened to their album since the 80s”

    6. somethin else

  4. I’m a dude, and I started going bald at 19, then reach basically George Costanza level by 22. I’m otherwise fairly confident with the way I look. I’m average height and athletic. I can pull off a shaved head, and keep it that way.

    Going bald that young was really devastating though, and I think much different than starting after 30. People in that age range are especially brutal about it. There is discrimination in social and work environments. Both girls and guys feel like they constantly need to make harsh jokes or comment on it. Sometimes just approaching a girl (that I have no interest in) with a simple question, will get an eye roll or fuck-off attitude because they assume I’m trying to chat them up. I have thick skin, but all that shit starts to build up over time. So I got used to wearing a hat out in public, so I could carry on with school and work.

    Fast forward a few years, and nothing’s changed. My problem now is that I usually meet girls with the hat on, and don’t know how or when to break it to them. I’ve had some girls just ask me straight up “what’s in the hat?” the first time we’re out together, I show them, and then things either move forward or don’t. It’s just more awkward to bring up on my own, without feeling like a magic trick or business transaction. I don’t want to be unfair and surprise anyone at the wrong time. What can I do when I’m interested in someone I just met, someone I’ve know for a while, or if someone is asking me out?

    I’m sure some people will read this, and just think “don’t ever wear a hat, problem solved”, but unless they faced these same circumstances during the same years of their life, it may be hard to imagine.

  5. Yo Dr. Tony,

    My girl and I have been together for a while. I love her to death there’s no question there. But she does this thing where she says, ‘I love you” every fucking five minutes. I’d feel like a shit if I didn’t say it back but I get tired of saying it over and over. It starts to just be a call and response how often it happens. It’s not that the feeling is not there, just the words have no meaning anymore. Also it’s just annoying. How should I deal with this?

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