It’s a new year and “fuck/Marry/Kill” rolls on. It’s a game you either love or hate. Hopefully, the former.
As always, let me preemptively say this is all for laughs. I don’t really want to kill or marry any of these people. Please try your best to put your self righteous college aged outrage to the side for a moment and just except this for what it is: A dumb joke. We’re all equal. We are all special flowers. Blah blah blah.
On another note, if you have any good ideas for people/things/places I should Fuck/marry/kill, let me have them. Leave them in the comment section below.
Okay, let’s pop it off and remember, it’s all love (kind of).
F/M/K: Sammi Sweetheart, Farrah Abraham, Lauren Conrad
Marry: Lauren Conrad
Aside from always thinking she was cute, she’s the only one of these three I don’t actively loath. Sure, she’s a made up person from reality TV and is very likely equally awful as the other two rodeo clowns in this selection but, at least from a perspective of how they presented themselves on tv, her worst faults are being dumb and mildly petty. Not ideal wifey material but , let’s be honest, I could do a lot worse too.
Fuck: Sammi Sweetheart
Sammi is one the quintessential catholic school girl grown up. She puts sex on a pedestal, for about a week, then gives it up in what I imagine to be the most extreme of ways. Not to be confused with Farrah abraham , who literally gives up the butthole on film, I’m more talking about a passion. She’s all “I’m a good girl, I’m a sweetheart!” but then she goes and has sex with steroid pumped gorillas with no game whatsoever. I don’t know why that makes me pick her for sex and I also realize I’d be the weakest man she had ever let touch her by a long shot but, you know, there’s a challenge in that. Maybe the gentle touch of a weakling is what she’s been waiting for all her life.
Yes, I’ve seen her porn. It was…umm…graphic. That’s somebodies mother, guys! hahahahaha
This is a case of where the “kill” is actually doing the world a favor. She is possibly one of the least savory human beings to ever throw themselves in front of a camera. Truly awful. She’s also made herself look like deformed joy doll so it’s not like the moral obligation to make her extinct is fighting my dick being like “But she’s hot, bro!”. Nope, this is the rare case of f/m/k where it might actually be justified. Not to be too grim, but there will probably come a time in our life when Farrah Abraham dies prematurely and not even twitter will be able to send condolences with a straight face.
F/M/K: Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy
Fuck: Santa Claus
Duh. He’s a giver. And not a cheap giver. He gives you whatever you asked for. He will supply a life of joy. Also, he’s thick.
Santa is the ultimate made up guy. He’s like the superman of imaginary friends. He can do anything. It’s almost not fair. Unless you’re a jew…then I suppose marrying Santa might be an issue. I’m only half jewish so I think it would work. Stranger things have happened though.
Fuck: The tooth fairy
The thing I like about the tooth fairy is that he/she rewards you for your pain and let’s you know that you’re growing up. I remember when my baby teeth would fall out. Some would go easy. Others would hang by a thread for weeks until I had to yank it out with my bare hands and swallow a mouthful of blood. The Tooth fairy understood this pain and , in exchange, left a few quarters. Sure, that’s a bit on the cheap side but when you’re like 4 years old (is that how old you are when teeth fall out?) that might as well be a million dollars. The only downside of the tooth fairy is that, if you think about him/her, it’s some creep with like a million pounds of kids teeth saved up. Which really does sound like some serial killer shit.
Kill: The easter bunny
The easter bunny is smug. He’s all like “Oh, you want some eggs? Well, I’mma hide them. But first, go to church all morning”. FUCK THAT NOISE. First of all, my dudes santa and the tooth fairy deliver me goods directly to home. Money and gifts. What are you offering me? Some fucking ornate hard boiled eggs? woopty fuckin’-doo. I can go to the corner store and buy like 10 of those for 2 bucks…but I wouldn’t ever do that cause who needs that many hard boiled eggs? The whole “bringing food” thing is suspect to me and can easily go awry. Honestly, if we’re getting food, I’d rather someone bring me a freshly cooked rabbit. That would be delicious.
FMK- in their prime foxy brown, little kim, nicki minaj
Fuck: Nicki Minaj
Hey, you know what? Nicki Minaj is the hottest. Talk all you want about her fake butt and tits, her poor fashion choices and her annoying voice but, goddamnit, I love her face. She’s like a cartoon in her hotness. My only issue with her would be the reality that I probably could do no damage to her sexually on any level. But it would be my honor to try as hard as I could. Seriously, there aren’t many female rappers I wanna have sex with more than her. Trina in her prime, maybe? That’s it. Nicki is the pinnacle. Also, I hate her music.
Kill: Foxy Brown
I’ve never for a moment liked Foxy Brown. Musically or physically. Her face always looked like a sea turtle with a stroke to me and she just seemed unclean at all time to me. She even had a great body in her prime but it just never took with me. Did she have a lazy eye? Even if she didn’t, it felt like she did. Maybe cause she looks like forrest whitaker with a vagina.
Anyway, I also despise her rapping. She was corny and had the voice of a male child. That one song where she breaks down the math of selling drugs was a low point in late 90’s rap to me (and that era has LOTS of low points). Foxy has always been just kinda gross to me. It’s an easy choice.
Marry: Lil’ Kim
In her prime, Lil Kim was adorable. Spunky, cute and a total dirt bag. I don’t know how she transformed into Mr. Mistoffelees from “Cats!” but it’s a bummer to see. Aside from her physical traits, I’ve always felt Kim was one of those extremely loyal ladies as well. She’d have your back. To a fault, even. I bet she put up with some pretty horrendous shit while dating Biggie but she stuck by him…as his ultimate side piece. Well, with me, it would be time for the big leagues. A wedding and all. Also, she’s my favorite rapper of the bunch by far.
F/M/K- Bed Bugs, Cockroaches, Rats!
This was an awful selection to fuck you to whoever came up with it. Seriously…terrible.
But, if i HAD to pick one of these to fuck, I’mma go with roaches. I don’t like them, but I can live with them. I’ve had variations of them in every house I’ve ever lived in and it’s nothing new. Not on some “Joe’s apartment” shit but , you know, a few here and there. They don’t bother me nearly as much as rats. That’s for sure. So, I’mma throw a good fucking on some roaches.
Without hesitation. Just googling the word “rats” to find the pic above sent waves of panic through my system. I cannot live around rats. They’re huge, they eat stuff and they can climb walls. unlike roaches, I don’t feel comfortable stomping a rat to death. It might survive the beating and comeback for revenge. Mice, I’m down with, Woulda married them in a heart beat. But rats? DEAD. ALL OF THEM.
This one is specific to me and I realize, for most people , they’d be the “Kill”. understandably so. They ruin lives. However, there’s a chance I’m not allergic to their bites. I don’t know this for sure but, a while back, some friends and I went to the woods and the hotel we we stayed at had a bed bug problem. Both the people I was with, who stayed in the same hotel as me, got eaten alive. I did not. Granted, i was in a different bed than them but the fact I came out clean either means I’m the luckiest man alive (which is possible) or I’m not effected by bed bug bites. So, there is a strong chance I’m wrong about this and would be entering into a marriage of true despair BUT, if i’m right, i just beat the system. I would be taking these three horrific things and making one a non-factor. It’s really a dice roll but I’m not marrying a fucking rat. EVER.