It’s been a while since I doled out questionable advice to strangers. The time is right.
I’m no a doctor. I’m not even a college graduate. But I’m honest and will not pull punches. So, if you’d like some life advice, I’m here for you. A great source of anonymous words of questionable wisdom. If you have questions, send them my way: phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. It’ll be our little secret.
Dr. Tony,
I’m curious whether or not you feel like I’ve made the right decision here. I recently had to break up with my girlfriend of three years (my first and only one). I’m in my early 20’s so we were together for a significant portion of my life. The girl I first started dating (up until the third year) truly was my ideal woman/mate. I had full intentions to spend the rest of my life with her.
A strong conviction I have is that I’m adamantly against drinking and doing drugs. That’s why when I met her and found out she had the same views, I was awestruck. I’ve always been against drinking and doing drugs but it’s been further corroborated over the years by friends of mine repeatedly ruining their lives for the stuff (a lot of them, though originally had bright futures, botched their chances for higher education and high-caliber careers, etc.). She was against drugs in sort of a born-again type fashion. She was a real hellion of a depressed teenager: promiscuity, drugs, self-harm, the whole nine yards. She finally woke up from that self-destruction literally when she woke up in a hospital bed after too many drugs. I found out all of this after about 6 months of us dating. It was difficult but I got over it. It happened before I even knew her. So those are our respective reasons for being drug-free.
We continued to see eye to eye for about the first two years. Then college had started to work on her and she was becoming more “open-minded” e.g. she didn’t seem so adamantly against drugs but I still never thought she’d do them (given her past & my feelings on them). As the school year once again commenced (approx. 4 months from the end), I occasionally would get paranoid and ask her if she was doing drugs and remind her that if she was, I couldn’t be with her. She always calmly reassure me that she absolutely wasn’t.
In that last semester, I noticed her definitely becoming more distant. It’d be an hour before I’d receive any texts back. She always acted/said she was tired/depressed (wouldn’t tell me why). I figured we were getting further along in college, we both had our fair share of school-work and work-work. So we were just busy and stressed and that was fine.
Fast forward to the final week. Friday 11/14, I attend her sorority’s formal. She asks if I want to hang out after but I have an LSAT practice test at 7am the following morning. I offer to hang out Saturday night. She agrees. Come Saturday night around 6pm, I start texting her to get plans situated. She tells me she’s tired. I question her being tired at 6pm but think nothing really of it and let her sleep. Sunday morning I ask if she wants to hang out, she agrees and so we establish at 8pm she’ll come to my place. Come 8pm, no sign of her. Come 8:30, I start getting concerned and text her. I start to check her social media to see when she was last on. I call her as I keep checking. No answer. I stumble upon an instagram picture she posted earlier that day. Depicting her and one of her girlfriends in between three guys who are well known drug-dealing scumbags, one of which is shoving his face into her face (she’s laughing in the picture). I call her again immediately and she picks up. It’s clear that I just woke her up. I ask her how she can be asleep. Didn’t she get like 18 hrs of sleep last night? I, of course, grill her about the picture. She assures that she only had one drink and she just met them at a party and talked about music for a little and that there was nothing of it. I’m fuming but I don’t break it off then. I want to believe her. I want to think that this relationship is salvageable. I hope that she’s just got drunk and it was a one time mistake. I’m messaging my friends and explaining the situation. A lot of them are telling me to jump ship. I truly want that to be my last resort. The next week I keep interrogating her but she’s deflects and denies everything (over the phone, she says she’s too busy most of the week to meet in person) . On Thursday, I finally see her in person…with a new addition. Earlier that day, she went out and got this giant-ass, eyesore of a nose ring. Obviously, this infuriates me. All of our conversations after then, she’s being a total bitch. Every conversation, she talks about how drugs really aren’t bad and how those scumbags in that picture aren’t really scumbags. She still keeps with her one-beer story and that they’re just friends she met once. For the next three days, I try desperately to get her to get back to normal (ie not a bitch). I do all these nice things. Take her out on dates. I hope she’s just saying those things to piss me off but of course, I’m still terribly paranoid.
Come Saturday night 11/23, I take her out to eat. Then we go back to her room and finish a movie we started the day before. By the end of it, she’s asleep. I know this is a move that is of much contention, but I felt it needed to be done. I took her phone and started going through it. Despite clear attempts to cover up (whole conversations deleted), every single one of my paranoid thoughts and theories spelled out right there in text messages with her friends. I find out, first of all, that over the summer, she would hang out and smoke pot with a guy friend we both had in high school (he was more her friend than mine. I stopped talking to him once he became a burnout). That was over the summer, too, ie no school, very little stress. With the school year, I find out that she was going out all the time. I find out that she was drinking and taking adderall regularly. I find out that on that Friday w/ the picture, she got drunk, smoked five cigs, smoked a shit load of pot, took a bunch of adderall, and snorted a line of vicodin. All of which, she got from the guy who had his face shoved in hers.
At this point, I’m wigging out and she wakes up. I demand that she explain each individual text to me. She calmly spouts out a lie for each one. Which I then proceed to completely dismantle with another text. This goes on until she finally gives in and tells a little of the truth. (That’s when I find out exactly what she did that Friday). I also find out that following Saturday, she went to that guy’s apartment with her girlfriend from the picture (I don’t buy the latter part). She claims that they just got drunk, but I’m certain there’s more to that story. I can’t get any truth from her unless I show undeniable proof (which usually is in the form of texts, her social media, etc.).
Even know after the break up, I’m still terrified over what I don’t know. Like I said, I was completely dedicated and devoted to this girl, knowing now what she was capable of is just horrifying. She claims that I was trying to control her too much. She says that my paranoia and “controlling nature” made her feel like she wasn’t in a relationship, which in turn made her want to rebel more. Since the break up, she’s been completely unmoved. She was completely unaffected by it. Within a week, she was on tinder. Within two weeks, she already has a new boyfriend. I still spend hours pouring over what exactly was happening when I was kept in the dark. As I see it, she was deliberately lying to my face for six months. Going behind my back and hanging out with other guys. On top of that, she was doing drugs which is a non-negotiable for me. The mother of my children will not be a druggie.
Am I being irrational here? Was I being too paranoid and controlling? Was I right to leave her? Should I bother attempting to rekindle later down the line?
Wow dude.
FIrst off, this is the longest letter I’ve ever gotten. Like…wow dude.
Okay, lots to cover here.
While your anti-drug and drinking stance is honorable it’s also heavy handed. It’s fine for you to want that for your life (and smart too) and it’s also fine to seek that out in a mate. But you’re obsessed with it, concerning this girl. Yes, she lied about doing drugs. She’s in the wrong there. But she lied about it cause you’re so crazy about the subject. It’s her body. It’s her life. SHe’s young. Now, I don’t wanna make light of drug use cause I don’t know this girl and how far down the depths she could fall but, in general, people in college party and have fun. From the sound of it, you’ve written off anyone in your life who’s ever partied in the mildest manner. It just comes off as judgmental and overbearing. We’ve all had friends get into drugs and get fucked up. I’ve lost a few friends to overdoses, just like most people. But you’re overwhelming obsession with it and your black and white thinking is going to drive anyone way who has even the mildest interest in doing drugs or drinking away from you. Like, take me, for instance. I’m not a drug guy. But reading your platitudes on the subject made me roll my eyes at times. So that’s one part of this. Yes, you are controlling and extremely judgmental. So, to a girl under your thumb, that will feel oppressive and get old very quick.
Secondly, we have your relationship. I’d say the distance and eventual break up is due to a few things.
1)You were too controlling
I know you did it for reasons you think are right (keeping her sober) but , in the end, it just sounds like your were projecting your values on her and if she couldn’t follow your rules then she wasn’t a person of any worth to you.
2)People change
You guys met over a common bond. She had a rough patch in her teens. She grew up. She went to college and probably realized “Oh wait…some of this stuff is actually fun”. Sure, that can be a dangerous way to think but , the thing is, you can’t do anything to change that. She’s gonna do what she does. She has free will. All you can do is decide if you want to be a part of that life or not. Clearly, You should not be.
You have a high moral ground you stand on and look down upon people from there. It’s fine and dandy but don’t be shocked when people (especially college students) start telling you to fuck off. I think this girl was not for you. She does things you don’t approve of and you seem like a very “my way or the highway” kinda dude. So, it wasn’t going to work. Honestly, you need to find yourself a nice christian girl who’s never smoked a cig in her life and is a virgin. maybe that will be enough. But just know that if you keep shoving your morals down peoples throats, often, those people will rebel. I don’t even know you and feel like you’re judging me. Live you life how you wanna live it. But it’s not your job to change other people. Work on yourself instead.
I would like to bring up a topic that needs reviving: the slut eye. Is it just me or is there an epidemic among a certain type of woman under 35 to throw the open for business look in all pictures? Power to them, i just dont have the time or patience to perfect the glare. I would also love to bring up that the slut eye has produced a side genre of the psycho eye. This is where in pictures some girls try to smile so big and make their eyes so intense that they come off insane. Ive spoke with a few european guys (german, french, romanian, english, spanish, admittedly only a couple or few of each, all seperate occasions) that all happened to bring up american women look very thirsty smiling so damn big and insane. I guess my question is have you seen the slut eye become more rampid or is it simply the norm now? Also, does the psycho eye read as desperate to guys like it does me? Or am i just struggling with my own resting bitch face tendencies?
I’ve always contended that slut eye (I prefer “Whore eyes”) is something you’re born with. Some girls have it and some don’t. Sure, girls can try and make it happen but it’s the naturals that really hold the key. The fucked up thing about whore eyes is that it’s actually just someone who has a face that seems warm and inviting. Most of the girls I know who have whore eyes are sweethearts with no outward intention of bedding every dude they meet. In fact, Whore eyes can almost be a problem. It’s a sexiness that, as a man, you can’t put your finger on and as the woman, you can’t turn off and on. It makes men think they have a chance when, in fact, they really don’t. They see that look and equate it to what you’re talking about in pictures. The fake bedroom eyes girls do in selfies and whatever. But, for a select few, that’s just how they look. All the time. It’s like resting bitch face but the opposite.
So, to answer your question, I think people trying to give slut eyes is definitely more of a thing now than ever as social media is everything to us. But the people who actually have those eyes? Its always been a select few. They have the power and they don’t even know it.
As for the psycho eye, I feel as though that translates more in person than in a photo. In pictures it just comes off as a girl smiling very hard. Which doesn’t give me feelings one way or another.
Hey, what up Tony.
So I’ve been dating this girl for about a month and we click really well. I really like her a lot. She’s very attractive and good conversation. Pretty great sex.
There is one problem though. Her pussy stinks. I’ve run into this a few times over the years, and it can be a deal breaker for me. Mainly cause I know how delectable pussy can be. I’ve smelled worse, but certainly better.
What the hell do I do here? I mean, going down on a girl is one of my favorite pastimes. I don’t know if I can stay with this girl.
Any ideas? I feel like a shallow sonofabitch.
Damn son. That’s one of those tricky problems that there isn’t a perfect answer for. Perhaps figure out WHY the pussy stinks and go from there? Is she unwell? Does she not clean? Is she extremely hairy? Does she not know how to wipe her ass? In my experience, those are the culprits. But if the puss just has a naturally bad odor to it…that’s just shitty. There really is no right way to approach this. Can you imagine telling a girl you like that her pussy stinks? I’d rather jump out of a window.
So, yeah…the best I can do it try and find if there is a reason for the stench and go from there. Who knows, it could be an easily fixed problem. I actually feel bad for the girl. But, then again, maybe her pussy stink is like bad breath to people with halitosis. It’s like they’re the only ones who don’t realize they have a mouth like a bum died in it.
I’m a dude, and I started going bald at 19, then reach basically George Costanza level by 22. I’m otherwise fairly confident with the way I look. I’m average height and athletic. I can pull off a shaved head, and keep it that way.
Going bald that young was really devastating though, and I think much different than starting after 30. People in that age range are especially brutal about it. There is discrimination in social and work environments. Both girls and guys feel like they constantly need to make harsh jokes or comment on it. Sometimes just approaching a girl (that I have no interest in) with a simple question, will get an eye roll or fuck-off attitude because they assume I’m trying to chat them up. I have thick skin, but all that shit starts to build up over time. So I got used to wearing a hat out in public, so I could carry on with school and work.
Fast forward a few years, and nothing’s changed. My problem now is that I usually meet girls with the hat on, and don’t know how or when to break it to them. I’ve had some girls just ask me straight up “what’s in the hat?” the first time we’re out together, I show them, and then things either move forward or don’t. It’s just more awkward to bring up on my own, without feeling like a magic trick or business transaction. I don’t want to be unfair and surprise anyone at the wrong time. What can I do when I’m interested in someone I just met, someone I’ve know for a while, or if someone is asking me out?
I’m sure some people will read this, and just think “don’t ever wear a hat, problem solved”, but unless they faced these same circumstances during the same years of their life, it may be hard to imagine.
Bro, I can relate to this deeply. My hair is no picnic either. I started losing it around 20 too…not anywhere nearly as fast as you though. I still have hair left. To have the constanza at 22? I can’t even imagine.
There really is no right answer. I think us balding people look at our hair like it’s an STD. Like we wear that hat but , eventually, it’s gonna come off and the truth will be revealed. So, might as well tell them before hand. It’s a no win situation cause the girl is either in or out on bald dudes. some girls care, some don’t. The older you get, the less they care but still, can you blame a girl for preferring a dude with a full head of hair? I think about how shallow I can be as a man and it’s only right. It sucks but it’s how it is.
You say you can pull of a shaved head. That’s great. That means you’re better off than bald dudes who can’t. Often just rocking that look with confidence is enough. Not to mention, facial hair doesn’t hurt either. A dude with a bald head and not facial hair may think he looks like bruce willis but he actually looks like charlie brown.
All I can really say is you gotta be charming. Be an awesome enough guy that when the hat comes off, she’s already into you. That’s all you can really do. Trust me, I could write a book on the neurosis of losing your hair. It’s the worst. There is nothing worse than talking to a girl at a bar, with a hat on, than her grabbing at it to put it on her head, only to reveal your shameful truth. It’s brutal. So, yeah man…I feel your pain deeply. I hope you have a good personality and meet one of those girls who doesn’t care as much. They definitely exist.
