Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 42

Hi there. Welcome to another beloved/loathed edition of “Fuck/marry/kill”. You know the game. It’s dumb as fuck. But that’s why I do it. If you wanna send me in some options, go for it. Just get creative cause I’ve done a ton of those already. Lady gaga and Katy Perry submissions are not going to cut it.
Leave them in the comments below.
As always, i’d like to preface this with a “This isn’t serious so don’t take it that way” warning. I’m don’t actually wish to fuck, marry or kill any of these people/place/things. I mean, sure, i’d fuck a few of them but it ends there, i swear!
Let’s see what we got this time around…

F/M/K: The “Real Names of Celebrities” Edition-
Demetria Gene Guynes (DEMI MOORE)
Florian Cloud de Bounevialle Armstrong (DIDO)
Eileen Regina Edwards (SHANIA TWAIN)

Marry: Shania Twain
I have this thing where my brain doesn’t compute certain genre’s of women sexually. Country singers has been one of those for a while. Excluding Dolly parton, of course. I can look at Carrie Underwood and see that she’s a hot blonde girl but there’s something about that country singer attitude that just doesn’t click with me. Enter Shania Twain and that theory flies out the window. Maybe cause her look harkens back to a time or reading maxim magazines while taking a dump in the 90’s? Whatever it is, it’s working for me. That and I’d just like to ask her , repeatedly, what she was thinking when she made that song “That don’t impress me much” cause, wow…

Kill: Dido
I honestly had forgotten what Dido Looked like until googling her for the pic above. Turns out she was really cute. Man, that totally slipped through the cracks, huh? I suppose it makes sense considering she was at peak popularity during the highly sexualized Britney spears years. As pretty as she was (is?) , there was a prudish vibe to her that clearly didn’t leave a lasting impact on my brain. Looking at her now, she’s certainly marriage material but, i dunno…Those 1990’s memories hold some weight. And she has the word “Cloud” in her original name. That’s just dumb. Sorry. Dead.

Fuck: Demi Moore
Demi Moore
I’d just like to point out that her birth name is brutal. Gene Guynes. That sounds like a drag queen name. I don’t know where she pulled “Demi Moore” from but I’m not mad at the switch. Her parents were assholes.
Anyway, Demi Moore has been my shit since the 80’s, so the nostalgia in my penis is guiding me with this one. While I prefer her pre-surgury , the fact she’s maintained hotness after 50 years is amazing. I wouldn’t wanna marry her but fucking her? That’s an achievement we can all get on board with, right? Ashton knows what I’m talking about!

F/M/K: The Canadian Edition-Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver

Fuck: Montreal
Unlike a lot of U.S. citizens, I think Cqnada has a lot to offer. In particular, these three wonderful cities. I like them all a great deal. But, in F/m/k, you gotta make tough choices.
I choose to fuck Montreal for a few reasons. First off, it’s an amazing city that reminds me of Greenwich Village, where I grew up. Except, it’s full of french canadians. That’s a bit of a bummer. So, While I love visiting it and hanging there, i can’t say I’d wanna live there full time. I’m simply terrible at learning languages and I don’t ever feel comfortable in places where I have to sheepishly speak english to everyone. So, by fucking Montreal, i get to enjoy it but I don’t have to stay forever. Also, I’d wanna fuck Montreal cause I literally want to fuck montreal. Pound for pound , some of the hottest women I have ever seen. Maybe I’m a sucker for a pouty french bitch face but, goddamnit, if they don’t deliver, I don’t know who does.

Marry: Toronto
As a New Yorker, I can’t help but compare all other cities to mine. It’s my favorite city so, the more similar the city is to NYC, the more I tend to like it. Toronto is pretty close in many ways. It’s far more sterile, way less active and in Canada but parts of it legit feel like it could be an extension of manhattan. To me, if I had to chose, I’d wanna be up in that full time. It’s a city like that that I can relate to. I also tend to like people from Toronto so there’s that too. Oh, and it’s so close to michigan! What a bonus! (just kidding about that last part)

Kill: Vancouver
Like I said, I like all these cities. Vancouver is awesome. But, of the three, it’s the one that grabs me the least. Probably cause it’s on some northwest shit. It’s a little too spread out, a little too “eh bro, you like kind bud?!?!” for my taste. Not to mention that area where all the junkies are? Fucking gross. Don’t you guys have street sweepers out there? Problem fixed.
I love visiting it and playing in it but, I dunno. This one just loses by default. Let’s be honest, if the shit ever really hits the fan in the US and San Fran is outta my price range, I’d gladly live in any of these places before I lived somewhere else in the US. But that’s just me. Oh, Canada.

F/M/K: All the actresses who played Carrie- sissy spacek, Angela bettis, Chloe grace moretz

Kill: Angela Bettis
Who? She must have been in the sequel. Well, a quick google search shows me all I need to know. She looks vaguely familiar as a character actress. Anyway, not into it at all. She looks like a mormon Sandra Bernhardt. Just not my steeze. Sadly, she dies for wrong reasons here but in F/M/K, there rarely are right reasons for any of the choices you make.

Fuck: Sissy Spacek
I’m assuming we’re judging these from the era the movies were made. I’m hoping we are.
Spacek was a weird brand of cute back then. She had an unborn gerbil look to her but she was certainly pretty. I can’t say she was oozing sexuality but, considering the other choices, I had to play this safe. She’s got a farmers daughter quality that is kinda hot but there is something about her that’s not all there. Can’t really put my finger on it. Luckily, I wouldn’t be marrying her so whatever that thing is, it would not be my problem!

Marry: Chloe Grace Moretz
Okay, you jerks. I know she’s under age. She’s a kid. Thus, i would not fuck her. At the same time, I’m not gonna kill her either. The best I can do is marry her, let her age a few years and then see what happens. It’s really the only option. I would sooner just adopt her but that just sounds like some Woody Allen shit. These picks got me in a funny position. I should really google her age before I continue…hold up (googling)
Oh wait…she literally turned 18 a few weeks ago. That makes this slightly less terrible. it’s still bad cause, let’s be honest, she’s a child to me no matter how old she is, but at least it’s not illegal. Again, i just wanna clarify that she is way too young for me and, in reality, i would never ever even consider it an option. Not to mention, her dad might be my age so imagine how grossed out she’d be by all this. Let’s just move on and forget this ever happened…

F/M/K: Reading Novels-Learning Languages-Watching Soccer

Marry: Reading Novels
I hate reading. It bores the life out of me. Even before the internet and smart phones, i couldn’t sit with a book unless I had absolutely no other option. That said, of these three choices, it is the one that I could see myself learning to enjoy if I had to. I think what sells it to me is that there are so many options. I imagine if the day came where reading novels just clicked with me, a whole world of pleasure would be opened up to me. I mean, shit, there are millions of books to read. Variety is the spice of life. It would be like having an open relationship…but with books. You fucking nerds.

Fuck: Watching Soccer
Much like reading, soccer bores the life out of me. I’ve played it. I’ve watched it. It’s slow and tedious. Yes, there are flares of excitement. Awesome things do happen. But, overall, people can blather on all they want to about the beauty and elegance of the sport but it’s not for me. However, I’m a guy who , if forced, can watch most sports. When the world cup comes around, I will often find myself forced to watch some Soccer. If i actually pay attention to it, I can see why people like it. I still think it’s totally boring but I get it. I can definitely see the skill and strategy in it. So, for a night, i could definitely spend the evening balls deep in a soccer match. I could maybe even do a week of it. Just not a lifetime.

Kill: Learning Languages
I’m just bad at this. I took spanish 2 for 3 years and never passed. My brain doesn’t pick up other language. Strangely enough, i’m great at accents but words, conjugations and all that other shit? Nope. It’s as if my brain just shuts off the second someone starts to teach me anything. It’s too bad cause I would like to be able to sit on the train and understand what people are saying. But i’m not about put all that work into something just for the eavesdropping benefits. whoever picked these three choices is pretty funny and definitely pays attention to shit I’ve said in the past. Well played and go fuck yourself.

Tree’s album “Trap Genius” Streaming!

Screen Shot 2015-02-25 at 5.52.57 PM
I was gonna write some shit today but I’m jet lagged as a motherfucker and can’t put coherent thoughts together. Luckily for me, one of my favorite artists of the last few years , Tree, is streaming his new album on soundcloud. So, that makes for an easy post that involves limited brain power. Attention all bloggers, that’s who you make content!
Here’s his upcoming album “Trap Genius”. If you’re unfamiliar with Tree, I suggest you go back and check his Sunday school mix tapes. #2 , in particular, is one of my favorite albums of the last few years.
Anyway, peep this new shit…

Answers for questions Vol. 227

Hello there and welcome to another edition of “Answers for questions”. Just a heads up, I’m off to europe (and tel aviv) starting tomorrow for some shows so this blog may be slower than usual. I’ll try my best to keep some content flowing but, hey, you never know. Just don’t forget me while I’m gone.
If you’d like to be a part of the “asking questions” process, I’d love you to join. Simply ask me anything. Either leave it in the comment section below or email the question(s) to be at phatfriendblog@gmail.com.
The weirder the better.
Okay, let’s bust this weeks nut…

Hey, as you get older, do you find you have a decreased tolerance for mediocre music? I’m in my thirties, now, and I find that I have zero interest in listening to anything that isn’t Dope (with a capital D). Or, like, at least shows A LOT of promise.

To be honest, as I get older, I find myself caring a lot less about everything. I think you start to zero in on what matters more cause your life begins to gain focus. So, while I used to live and die for this music shit in my 20’s, I’m way more lax about it now. I’d even say I’m more open minded than ever. Things are not as extreme as they once were. It takes a lot for me to be bothered by music. I mean, it happens but , comparatively, I’m like a monk these days. I’m more prone to make fun of someone saying “Dope with a capitol D” than any music I might hear.

How skilled are you at avoiding the following situation? http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=blisterfeld&defid=4464494 (that’s the best I could do in finding a specific name for this phenomenon)

Oh, I’m pretty good at this. Been doing it all my life. It more depends on the other guy. I tend to be the first to give way and let the other person pick the direction. But , every now and then, I’ll come across a person who’s the same way and we look like fucking two mimes out there shadowing each other. But, overall, I’m well adapted at avoid this phenomenon.

Have you ever been with a girl who had really kinky, or “out there” fetishes? As an example I once dated a girl who shared that she enjoyed wearing diapers. Not acting like a little baby type stuff, just enjoyed them. Curious what your experiences if any are with having something “out there” like that being shared to you by a significant other. Ive come to realize that no matter what you come up with… It’s a thing for somebody.
You know, I haven’t. I’ve always had a fairly good radar with that kinda stuff. I haven’t dated many crazy girls.I don’t put that energy out there and , when they do like me, I tend to not like them back. Not that fetish = crazy but I do feel there is a little crossover there. It should also be noted that, when it comes to weird fetishes, dudes are the most out there. I’d imagine your average dating girl has many crazy stories of dudes trying to pull some outlandish shit on them in the bedroom. Most likely just forced butt stuff but a dudes sexual dementia can go very dark and very deep.

I was wondering if you even though of making a secret hand shake or phrase for people who read your blog and happen upon you at a shot or some other public place. Nothing to long just a little nod to show respect for enjoying the blog

That’s not a bad idea. People just usually tell me “Hey, I like you blog!” and that makes my day. But a special handshake? Hmm…How bout the blog fan walks up to me and performs a hand job to completion (on me, not themselves)? That would be super top secret and not at all over the top. (please don’t actually do that…especially considering 95% of my readership is dudes with neck beards)

suppose you get abducted by aliens, and they tell you that they will return you to earth but only if you agree to spy for them and help them to conquer human society. would you agree or stay in the alien prison. what if there is a super rapey giant alien squid that has been eyeballing your sphincter in your cell?
I’d honestly probably find a way to kill myself but , if that’s not an option, I’d be that spy. Once back on earth, I’d try to escape or just do a really crappy job at being a spy. I’m very good at mailing in duties so this would be no big problem for me. Worst case, they get annoyed with me and throw me in prison/kill me. At least, by being the half assed spy, I’d be out of prison for a little longer. Cherish the days, brah!

Have you been asked by Rymesayers to sign? Would you consider letting rymesayers distribute/record your albums?
Nope and sure I would. They don’t really put out instrumental music though. But, if they wanted me, I’d be all over it.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 43

It’s been a while since I doled out questionable advice to strangers. The time is right.
I’m no a doctor. I’m not even a college graduate. But I’m honest and will not pull punches. So, if you’d like some life advice, I’m here for you. A great source of anonymous words of questionable wisdom. If you have questions, send them my way: phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. It’ll be our little secret.

Dr. Tony,

I’m curious whether or not you feel like I’ve made the right decision here. I recently had to break up with my girlfriend of three years (my first and only one). I’m in my early 20’s so we were together for a significant portion of my life. The girl I first started dating (up until the third year) truly was my ideal woman/mate. I had full intentions to spend the rest of my life with her.

A strong conviction I have is that I’m adamantly against drinking and doing drugs. That’s why when I met her and found out she had the same views, I was awestruck. I’ve always been against drinking and doing drugs but it’s been further corroborated over the years by friends of mine repeatedly ruining their lives for the stuff (a lot of them, though originally had bright futures, botched their chances for higher education and high-caliber careers, etc.). She was against drugs in sort of a born-again type fashion. She was a real hellion of a depressed teenager: promiscuity, drugs, self-harm, the whole nine yards. She finally woke up from that self-destruction literally when she woke up in a hospital bed after too many drugs. I found out all of this after about 6 months of us dating. It was difficult but I got over it. It happened before I even knew her. So those are our respective reasons for being drug-free.

We continued to see eye to eye for about the first two years. Then college had started to work on her and she was becoming more “open-minded” e.g. she didn’t seem so adamantly against drugs but I still never thought she’d do them (given her past & my feelings on them). As the school year once again commenced (approx. 4 months from the end), I occasionally would get paranoid and ask her if she was doing drugs and remind her that if she was, I couldn’t be with her. She always calmly reassure me that she absolutely wasn’t.

In that last semester, I noticed her definitely becoming more distant. It’d be an hour before I’d receive any texts back. She always acted/said she was tired/depressed (wouldn’t tell me why). I figured we were getting further along in college, we both had our fair share of school-work and work-work. So we were just busy and stressed and that was fine.

Fast forward to the final week. Friday 11/14, I attend her sorority’s formal. She asks if I want to hang out after but I have an LSAT practice test at 7am the following morning. I offer to hang out Saturday night. She agrees. Come Saturday night around 6pm, I start texting her to get plans situated. She tells me she’s tired. I question her being tired at 6pm but think nothing really of it and let her sleep. Sunday morning I ask if she wants to hang out, she agrees and so we establish at 8pm she’ll come to my place. Come 8pm, no sign of her. Come 8:30, I start getting concerned and text her. I start to check her social media to see when she was last on. I call her as I keep checking. No answer. I stumble upon an instagram picture she posted earlier that day. Depicting her and one of her girlfriends in between three guys who are well known drug-dealing scumbags, one of which is shoving his face into her face (she’s laughing in the picture). I call her again immediately and she picks up. It’s clear that I just woke her up. I ask her how she can be asleep. Didn’t she get like 18 hrs of sleep last night? I, of course, grill her about the picture. She assures that she only had one drink and she just met them at a party and talked about music for a little and that there was nothing of it. I’m fuming but I don’t break it off then. I want to believe her. I want to think that this relationship is salvageable. I hope that she’s just got drunk and it was a one time mistake. I’m messaging my friends and explaining the situation. A lot of them are telling me to jump ship. I truly want that to be my last resort. The next week I keep interrogating her but she’s deflects and denies everything (over the phone, she says she’s too busy most of the week to meet in person) . On Thursday, I finally see her in person…with a new addition. Earlier that day, she went out and got this giant-ass, eyesore of a nose ring. Obviously, this infuriates me. All of our conversations after then, she’s being a total bitch. Every conversation, she talks about how drugs really aren’t bad and how those scumbags in that picture aren’t really scumbags. She still keeps with her one-beer story and that they’re just friends she met once. For the next three days, I try desperately to get her to get back to normal (ie not a bitch). I do all these nice things. Take her out on dates. I hope she’s just saying those things to piss me off but of course, I’m still terribly paranoid.

Come Saturday night 11/23, I take her out to eat. Then we go back to her room and finish a movie we started the day before. By the end of it, she’s asleep. I know this is a move that is of much contention, but I felt it needed to be done. I took her phone and started going through it. Despite clear attempts to cover up (whole conversations deleted), every single one of my paranoid thoughts and theories spelled out right there in text messages with her friends. I find out, first of all, that over the summer, she would hang out and smoke pot with a guy friend we both had in high school (he was more her friend than mine. I stopped talking to him once he became a burnout). That was over the summer, too, ie no school, very little stress. With the school year, I find out that she was going out all the time. I find out that she was drinking and taking adderall regularly. I find out that on that Friday w/ the picture, she got drunk, smoked five cigs, smoked a shit load of pot, took a bunch of adderall, and snorted a line of vicodin. All of which, she got from the guy who had his face shoved in hers.

At this point, I’m wigging out and she wakes up. I demand that she explain each individual text to me. She calmly spouts out a lie for each one. Which I then proceed to completely dismantle with another text. This goes on until she finally gives in and tells a little of the truth. (That’s when I find out exactly what she did that Friday). I also find out that following Saturday, she went to that guy’s apartment with her girlfriend from the picture (I don’t buy the latter part). She claims that they just got drunk, but I’m certain there’s more to that story. I can’t get any truth from her unless I show undeniable proof (which usually is in the form of texts, her social media, etc.).

Even know after the break up, I’m still terrified over what I don’t know. Like I said, I was completely dedicated and devoted to this girl, knowing now what she was capable of is just horrifying. She claims that I was trying to control her too much. She says that my paranoia and “controlling nature” made her feel like she wasn’t in a relationship, which in turn made her want to rebel more. Since the break up, she’s been completely unmoved. She was completely unaffected by it. Within a week, she was on tinder. Within two weeks, she already has a new boyfriend. I still spend hours pouring over what exactly was happening when I was kept in the dark. As I see it, she was deliberately lying to my face for six months. Going behind my back and hanging out with other guys. On top of that, she was doing drugs which is a non-negotiable for me. The mother of my children will not be a druggie.

Am I being irrational here? Was I being too paranoid and controlling? Was I right to leave her? Should I bother attempting to rekindle later down the line?

Wow dude.
FIrst off, this is the longest letter I’ve ever gotten. Like…wow dude.
Okay, lots to cover here.
While your anti-drug and drinking stance is honorable it’s also heavy handed. It’s fine for you to want that for your life (and smart too) and it’s also fine to seek that out in a mate. But you’re obsessed with it, concerning this girl. Yes, she lied about doing drugs. She’s in the wrong there. But she lied about it cause you’re so crazy about the subject. It’s her body. It’s her life. SHe’s young. Now, I don’t wanna make light of drug use cause I don’t know this girl and how far down the depths she could fall but, in general, people in college party and have fun. From the sound of it, you’ve written off anyone in your life who’s ever partied in the mildest manner. It just comes off as judgmental and overbearing. We’ve all had friends get into drugs and get fucked up. I’ve lost a few friends to overdoses, just like most people. But you’re overwhelming obsession with it and your black and white thinking is going to drive anyone way who has even the mildest interest in doing drugs or drinking away from you. Like, take me, for instance. I’m not a drug guy. But reading your platitudes on the subject made me roll my eyes at times. So that’s one part of this. Yes, you are controlling and extremely judgmental. So, to a girl under your thumb, that will feel oppressive and get old very quick.
Secondly, we have your relationship. I’d say the distance and eventual break up is due to a few things.
1)You were too controlling
I know you did it for reasons you think are right (keeping her sober) but , in the end, it just sounds like your were projecting your values on her and if she couldn’t follow your rules then she wasn’t a person of any worth to you.
2)People change
You guys met over a common bond. She had a rough patch in her teens. She grew up. She went to college and probably realized “Oh wait…some of this stuff is actually fun”. Sure, that can be a dangerous way to think but , the thing is, you can’t do anything to change that. She’s gonna do what she does. She has free will. All you can do is decide if you want to be a part of that life or not. Clearly, You should not be.

You have a high moral ground you stand on and look down upon people from there. It’s fine and dandy but don’t be shocked when people (especially college students) start telling you to fuck off. I think this girl was not for you. She does things you don’t approve of and you seem like a very “my way or the highway” kinda dude. So, it wasn’t going to work. Honestly, you need to find yourself a nice christian girl who’s never smoked a cig in her life and is a virgin. maybe that will be enough. But just know that if you keep shoving your morals down peoples throats, often, those people will rebel. I don’t even know you and feel like you’re judging me. Live you life how you wanna live it. But it’s not your job to change other people. Work on yourself instead.

I would like to bring up a topic that needs reviving: the slut eye. Is it just me or is there an epidemic among a certain type of woman under 35 to throw the open for business look in all pictures? Power to them, i just dont have the time or patience to perfect the glare. I would also love to bring up that the slut eye has produced a side genre of the psycho eye. This is where in pictures some girls try to smile so big and make their eyes so intense that they come off insane. Ive spoke with a few european guys (german, french, romanian, english, spanish, admittedly only a couple or few of each, all seperate occasions) that all happened to bring up american women look very thirsty smiling so damn big and insane. I guess my question is have you seen the slut eye become more rampid or is it simply the norm now? Also, does the psycho eye read as desperate to guys like it does me? Or am i just struggling with my own resting bitch face tendencies?

I’ve always contended that slut eye (I prefer “Whore eyes”) is something you’re born with. Some girls have it and some don’t. Sure, girls can try and make it happen but it’s the naturals that really hold the key. The fucked up thing about whore eyes is that it’s actually just someone who has a face that seems warm and inviting. Most of the girls I know who have whore eyes are sweethearts with no outward intention of bedding every dude they meet. In fact, Whore eyes can almost be a problem. It’s a sexiness that, as a man, you can’t put your finger on and as the woman, you can’t turn off and on. It makes men think they have a chance when, in fact, they really don’t. They see that look and equate it to what you’re talking about in pictures. The fake bedroom eyes girls do in selfies and whatever. But, for a select few, that’s just how they look. All the time. It’s like resting bitch face but the opposite.
So, to answer your question, I think people trying to give slut eyes is definitely more of a thing now than ever as social media is everything to us. But the people who actually have those eyes? Its always been a select few. They have the power and they don’t even know it.
As for the psycho eye, I feel as though that translates more in person than in a photo. In pictures it just comes off as a girl smiling very hard. Which doesn’t give me feelings one way or another.

Hey, what up Tony.
So I’ve been dating this girl for about a month and we click really well. I really like her a lot. She’s very attractive and good conversation. Pretty great sex.
There is one problem though. Her pussy stinks. I’ve run into this a few times over the years, and it can be a deal breaker for me. Mainly cause I know how delectable pussy can be. I’ve smelled worse, but certainly better.
What the hell do I do here? I mean, going down on a girl is one of my favorite pastimes. I don’t know if I can stay with this girl.
Any ideas? I feel like a shallow sonofabitch.

Damn son. That’s one of those tricky problems that there isn’t a perfect answer for. Perhaps figure out WHY the pussy stinks and go from there? Is she unwell? Does she not clean? Is she extremely hairy? Does she not know how to wipe her ass? In my experience, those are the culprits. But if the puss just has a naturally bad odor to it…that’s just shitty. There really is no right way to approach this. Can you imagine telling a girl you like that her pussy stinks? I’d rather jump out of a window.
So, yeah…the best I can do it try and find if there is a reason for the stench and go from there. Who knows, it could be an easily fixed problem. I actually feel bad for the girl. But, then again, maybe her pussy stink is like bad breath to people with halitosis. It’s like they’re the only ones who don’t realize they have a mouth like a bum died in it.

I’m a dude, and I started going bald at 19, then reach basically George Costanza level by 22. I’m otherwise fairly confident with the way I look. I’m average height and athletic. I can pull off a shaved head, and keep it that way.

Going bald that young was really devastating though, and I think much different than starting after 30. People in that age range are especially brutal about it. There is discrimination in social and work environments. Both girls and guys feel like they constantly need to make harsh jokes or comment on it. Sometimes just approaching a girl (that I have no interest in) with a simple question, will get an eye roll or fuck-off attitude because they assume I’m trying to chat them up. I have thick skin, but all that shit starts to build up over time. So I got used to wearing a hat out in public, so I could carry on with school and work.

Fast forward a few years, and nothing’s changed. My problem now is that I usually meet girls with the hat on, and don’t know how or when to break it to them. I’ve had some girls just ask me straight up “what’s in the hat?” the first time we’re out together, I show them, and then things either move forward or don’t. It’s just more awkward to bring up on my own, without feeling like a magic trick or business transaction. I don’t want to be unfair and surprise anyone at the wrong time. What can I do when I’m interested in someone I just met, someone I’ve know for a while, or if someone is asking me out?

I’m sure some people will read this, and just think “don’t ever wear a hat, problem solved”, but unless they faced these same circumstances during the same years of their life, it may be hard to imagine.

Bro, I can relate to this deeply. My hair is no picnic either. I started losing it around 20 too…not anywhere nearly as fast as you though. I still have hair left. To have the constanza at 22? I can’t even imagine.
There really is no right answer. I think us balding people look at our hair like it’s an STD. Like we wear that hat but , eventually, it’s gonna come off and the truth will be revealed. So, might as well tell them before hand. It’s a no win situation cause the girl is either in or out on bald dudes. some girls care, some don’t. The older you get, the less they care but still, can you blame a girl for preferring a dude with a full head of hair? I think about how shallow I can be as a man and it’s only right. It sucks but it’s how it is.
You say you can pull of a shaved head. That’s great. That means you’re better off than bald dudes who can’t. Often just rocking that look with confidence is enough. Not to mention, facial hair doesn’t hurt either. A dude with a bald head and not facial hair may think he looks like bruce willis but he actually looks like charlie brown.
All I can really say is you gotta be charming. Be an awesome enough guy that when the hat comes off, she’s already into you. That’s all you can really do. Trust me, I could write a book on the neurosis of losing your hair. It’s the worst. There is nothing worse than talking to a girl at a bar, with a hat on, than her grabbing at it to put it on her head, only to reveal your shameful truth. It’s brutal. So, yeah man…I feel your pain deeply. I hope you have a good personality and meet one of those girls who doesn’t care as much. They definitely exist.

Uncle Tony’s coloring book is now available on Bandcamp!

So, about 6 years ago, I made this album “Uncle Tony’s coloring book”. It was a limited edition album. Only 5000 cd’s were pressed, no Vinyl and very little digital availability. Well…guess what? I just uploaded to band camp so you can own it in it’s digital form. Only $8. What a bargain!
While you’re there, don’t forget to buy my newest album “Bells and whistles”, which dropped a few months ago. Some old, something new. Something borrowed (sampled, actually) something blue (Not sure what’s blue but I’m sure you can make something up).

Biters Welcome

“There’s sign at the door ‘no biting allowed’ ”
“you got to have style and learn to be original”

These are two quotes from my youth that were pretty much the rule book for rap music for as long as I can remember. It was the late 80’s when both these quotes were said and it set the stage for the next 10 years. What followed was a mixture of people going out of their way to sound like no one else and the people who tried to make careers sounding like other people. For the people who went the original direction, it led to all sorts of funny styles that didn’t age very well. As great as they were at the time, Das Efx’s diggity iggity nursery rhymes and Akinyele’s “lower my voice at the end of each sentence” styles are no fine wine. But, hey, they tried and I will always appreciate them for that. Not to mention, at the time, that shit was awesome. The other side of things fared ever worse back then. For every Das Efx, there was a Mad Flava (that’s a group, btw) who kinda just went with the flow of what other rappers were doing. Onyx came out and , shortly after they had success, Da Hoodratz came out and failed miserably. Hell, even RUn DMC shaved their heads and started yelling. So, biting and people recycling other peoples originality has always been a thing. It’s not new now and it will go on forever. But, with that in mind, there is a different take on it now than there was 20 plus years ago. Where Originality and authenticity were once of paramount importance, those two things really mean nothing anymore. In fact, if you even stress these two things , a 22 year old will look at you like “why is this still an issue, grandpa?”. This is clearly a generational thing. I suppose I’m from generation X. It’s gross to even think like that but I don’t know what generation I fit into otherwise. Gen X were pissy, hated everything and sulked a lot. We were/are a negative group. Sure, we had the things we loved and all that but, in general, it’s a group of people who kinda question everything , to a fault.That’s why the music of our generation was angry. Gangsta rap, grunge, metal. We were the “get out of my room , mom!” of generations. Now you have millennials. This is a generation raised entirely on the internet. They’ve never not had the world at their finger tips. While I remember rotary phones and cassette tape walkmen this generation has been watching gaping asshole porn since they were 12 and can’t imagine life before texting.
Through things like music and basketball, I find myself around many millennials more than I’d imagine most people my age are. One thing that’s I’ve noticed is that they’re a an astoundingly positive bunch. It’s almost invigorating to be around them at times. The mentality is very much “Yes we can!”. They’re legit looking forward to what life has in store for them. I suppose you could say that about most youthful people in the last 40 years , as they haven’t been beaten down by the realities of life. But, looking back at my friends and I when we were that age, we were still fairly negative in many ways. With this new group of people, I feel as though they’re just more open minded then we ever were. I’d imagine it’s all a part of how people raise kids now. When I was a 20 year old, I was a snobby rap purist who would judge anyone who listened to a puffy record. People back then were so dedicated to their “thing” that you could walk by anyone on the street and know exactly what they were into. Oh, see that guy wearing those comically baggy jeans and that funny t-shirt? He’s a raver. Oh, look at that girl with her hair up in barrettes, wearing doc martins, and dyed hair? she’s a riot grrll. Etc…People went out of their way to carve out their own identity (even though, in reality, they were followers just as much as anyone else). I wanted everyone who walked by me to know what I was into it. Now it’s like everything has been smashed together and niche’s have become fainter than ever. Hip hop heads and emo kids don’t look very different. Someone who looks like Ed Sheeren might have encyclopedic knowledge of the Dipset. You ask someone what kinda music they like that you’ll often hear “I like everything” And they’ll mean it. They fuck with Beyonce, One direction, Fiona apple , Cheef Keef, Aesop Rock and Death grips. I feel as though that open mindedness is one of the best and worst things about the new generation. It’s the best cause it limits the snobbery I so willingly embraced in my youth. But it’s the worst cause , if we like everything, there is no quality control. Which leads me back to the idea of originality or authenticity.
There is a large portion of people nowadays who put no stock in either of those two things. Their argument is good music is good music. I agree with that to an extent. Did the clipse really sell all that coke? Of course not. If they had, they wouldn’t need to rap nor would they be rapping about it. But, they’re good enough rappers to take a tired subject like selling coke and make it interesting. Then you got someone like Rick Ross who’s whole image is a drug boss but he was a corrections officer and is clearly 100% full of shit. He’s not a particularly interesting rapper but he’s got a good ear for beats and knows how to make a song. That’s his strength. If he came out in 91 talking that shit and got exposed, he would have never been heard of again. But, in the late 2000’s? Not a problem. His lack of realness is shrugged off the same way a wrestling fan will when you tell him it’s fake. He knows it…he doesn’t care. he’s in it for the entertainment. I can’t even be mad at that cause , in the end, music is entertainment. If it entertains you or makes you feel a certain way, it’s done it’s job.
I don’t know why i did this but I recently downloaded Drake’s new mixtape. I think I was just like “I need to understand this”. If not for my own enjoyment, for sociological reasons. I realize drake is a divisive character. All the basic bitches (men and women) love him. That’s a given. As open minded as millennials are, his name still manages to incite rage in some people to comical effect. People who are into the more fringe aspects of music, in particular, can’t stand him. If I were to post something positive about him on my Facebook page, I would expect a huge backlash from those types. At the same time, there’s an air of “If you don’t like drake, you don’t get it” from the more hipster side of things. Personally, I don’t think drake is a bad rapper. In fact, he’s solid. Great voice. He knows how to use it. He’s a pro. I don’t wanna bump his shit but that’s really neither here nor there as I’m almost 40. It’s clearly not for me. I used to think he was the worst. His love songs were ear AIDS and any male listening to them alone needs to take serious stock in themselves. But, when the smoke clears, he can actually rap. So, I download this new album and it’s kinda what I expect. Some terrible love songs mixed in with songs where he’s talking shit. I’m always gonna be drawn to those shit talking songs so I focus on that when listening to this album. What I came away with is that Drake is a good rapper who is completely unoriginal . On one track , he raps exactly like Jay-z on “heart of the city”. On another he raps like a more relaxed version of Young thug (Which is actually more listenable than Young Thug). The thing is he pulls it off cause people allow him to. He also pulls it off cause he seems to fall so perfectly in the middle. He’s just good enough and just boring enough and just catchy enough to hit chords with so many different people. He’s a rapper whose entire career has been people saying “He raps like _____” but, at this point, he’s a bigger star than any of the people he was once compared to. Sure, Jay-z is a billionaire and only slightly less famous that Obama but, musically, his relevance is waning. Same with Lil Wayne. Well,He’s more Wayning, AMIRITE?!?!. But Drake is still at the top of his game and his fan base is as dedicated as ever. He’s like the male Beyonce in that respect. If you’re a fan, he can do no wrong.
As unoriginal and inauthentic as Drake may be (his thuggish posturing on songs is truly hilarious and the fact other rappers who are actually from the hood and had tough lives let him do it is mind blowing to me), the public has spoken. It’s way bigger than drake. It’s an open arms to everything. I know I sound like I’m being negative but I’m really not. Sure, I wish this new generation could be more discerning about what they put in their ears, eyes and mouths but , in reality, it’s not my job to dictate anything. My generation is already old and irrelevant. The best we can do is try to understand. That or just roll are eyes and lament how these kids today really needed more spankings and less hugs. That too.


Some Early Works

I was rummaging through my I-tunes on an older computer recently and happened upon a playlist of old beats. This is nothing unusual as my I-tunes on that particular computer was basically a graveyard for such things. Beats I made that people used, that people didn’t use or that I used for my solo stuff. Pretty much all these tracks but in their earliest form. Not mixed, recorded directly off my sampler. I figured it might be fun to give a few away , as they aren’t doing much in that playlist just sitting there. So, here we have some tracks. Some will be familiar (Older aesop tracks, a despot track, Illogic tracks, A cage track , random remixes I did) and some are beats that we’re “claimed” by artists but never got used. So, for all you completion obsessed nerds out there, a few of these are gonna be your shit. For you normal people, it’s just some free beats to listen to. You know, music.
Like I said, these are the ebats as rappers who would get them from me heard them. Straight off the sampler, on to a beat cd (it was that long ago). So, enjoy…

(cause there is often confusion with these download sites, click where it says “Click here to start download from sendspace”. Pretty simple. If the link goes down, lemme know and I’ll re-up it.

Answers for questions vol. 226

I dunno where you live but it is cold as fuck right now in NYC. I’m writing this from my bed, wearing a long sleeved shirt and long johns under my covers. Shit’s real in field.
Anyway, this is Answers for questions. You guys asked me stuff, and I obliged. If you’d like to send me questions, I’d love to hear them. Email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or simply leave them in the comment section below.
I’m good either way.
So, let’s check this weeks bundle.

To what extent is the process of making a rap song a back and forth between the producer and rapper? Do you just produce the beats and they rap over them, end of story, or do you touch it up after you hear them rap? Is it different when the producer is a part of the group vs. behind the scenes (you and aesop vs. hail mary mallon)?

Depends on the rapper and the song. Some rappers are very involved in the songs they make from the inside out. Some just drop their bars and never look back. I’ve had rappers hit me up and ask for different parts to be added to the songs and to change bass lines. That’s pretty rare though. In general, rappers pick a beat, write their raps , give me the bar structure of the song and I design the beat around that. I’d say 95% of the time that’s how it goes and there’s never much of an issue.
I would say that working in a group is definitely more intense cause then you have more than one person making all decisions. It’s actually kinda nice to have different angles to take. That said, you better like that person cause there are few things worse that making music with someone you don’t like and having to hear their dumb as opinions about a snare being too loud or whatever. That’s more about making beats with people than rappers though. I can’t say I’ve worked with any annoying rappers who asked too much of me.

OK, I’ve got a ‘would you rather’ for you. If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life and it had to be ‘We Like Pizza’ by The Pizza Kids or ‘Hey Now’ by Hilary Duff from The Lizzie McGuire Movie . You can make music but it must consist entirely of samples from the song you choose- you can listen to the music you make. Of course, you can decide to just not listen to music very much.

I would easily pick the Pizza song. It’s fucking hilarious. The fact they got a bunch of eastern european kids to sing about pizza (Is there worse pizza that pizza in eastern europe? Probably but it can’t be that good either) is awesome. Now, in this scenario it would definitely drive me to listen to music almost never and my music career would be over cause , well, how the fuck could I make more than 2 beats tops out of that song? But,it’s still better than that Lizzy Mcguire abomination. I had no idea she was such a shitty singer.

I assume that, in general, you are pretty satisfied with the tunes you put out.
However, is there one (or more) of your released tunes that you, in retrospect, are not that satisfied with? Dissatisfied, maybe even. And if you were to review that track using your normal format, what would that sound like?

I mean, I like some tracks more than others. The older the stuff is generally my least favorite stuff. The more I hear it and the more I think “Eh, i coulda done something better there” or “These drums are weak”.
So, for the sake of perspective, I’ll review the song Daylight as if it were a demo:

The loops are cool ,it’s got some really good layering (the flute is nice)and it give you a warm feeling inside but the drums are pretty bullshit. Who still uses rim shots? The rapper is really good but I don’t think he’s reached his potential yet. Overall, it’s a well made but still somewhat amateur song. Also, it’ a little corny. That vocal sample in particular sounds like something you’d hear in a back packer rap anthem from the early 2000’s.
Production:5.5 out of 10
Vocals:7 out of 10
Listenability:7.5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

Q: Have you ever thought about revising any of your (p)reviews of “Movies I Will Never See”, as in example have you ever caught one on TV late night and thought “Damn, I was totally wrong about that one…” Also, you should be a guest one “How Did This Get Made.” That pod is the best.
I actually have thought about that but the majority of those movies I reviewed, I never saw…cause they look like shit. The only one, off the top, I can think that I saw was “Gravity” and , while my review was not exactly on point, it’s wasn’t THAT far off. I had no idea it would be such an impressive feat of filmmaking. But it still was a bitch floating in space for 2 hours and had a shitty script.

If a small man snook up behind you In a bar groped your ass and exclaimed “yeaaahhhh buddy!”

How would you respond

Honestly, I’d probably laugh. My real reaction would depend on how he reacted to that. But, as weird as that may be, it’s better than someone walking up to me and punching me. I can shake off an ass groping pretty easily. I grew up in Greenwich village. I’ve had people be sexually inappropriate to me since I was 11 years. It wouldn’t be that big a shock. That said, if you’re a little ass grabber, please don’t do this to me.

Hey Block,
I found a public access video of you and Aesop and its completely hilarious. What was the story behind that?

These were promo ads for MTV back when “None shall pass” came out. This was back when MTV was trying this thing where they would push an indie artist for a week and play shorts with them between pretty much every commercial break. Some were live performances but other people opted to do skits. We thought a public access take off would be fun so we did a bunch of these. They’re all improvised and clearly pretty random. So we did these skits for youtube but they edited short versions of them for tv. Here are all the ones I could gather…

when you put on your pants in the morning do you start with your left leg or your right?
hmm…i had to get up to check but I go right foot first..as I am a righty.
Though, if I’m feeling saucy, I’ll lay on my back and put both legs in the same time like a teenaged girl.

How deep does your hate for foreign rap run? Would you for example listen to a Kutmasta Kurt produced track with Kool Keith and Del tha funkee homosapien on the first two verses which is then followed by an actually pretty dope, but unintelligible for you german rapper Retrogott, or would that spoil the whole song? It is on bandcamp, by the way.

There is a misconception that I hate Foreign rap. This is not true. I simply do not care about it. There is a HUGE difference. If you’re rapping in a language I don’t speak, you rap has nothing to offer me. It’s that simple. Doesn’t mean that I think it has o value on earth. It just isn’t for me.
I think there are really good producers out there from all over the world but, with rapping, I need it english. And, honestly, coming from someone who english is their first language. Or at least speaks it fluently with minimal accent. That just me though. I’m a purist and I’m just starting to accept that people who grow up on farms can rap too. I don’t go around cursing foreign rappers and wishing they didn’t exist. They simply don’t register to me as anything I would seriously listen to…cause I don’t understand what they’re saying.

Yay or Nay: Myke Bogan

I’m not gonna lie, a friend hipped me to this dude this very morning but it was one of those situations where you hear something and you’re like “I’m with it…”. So, admittedly, I’m really not that familiar with this dudes work outside of the videos I peeped and the quick scanning of songs on his bandcamp. Turns out, dude has LOTS of material. My crack research team (me), has learned he lives in Portland , but he might actually be from South Dakota, which would be a first in rap cause I didn’t even think people lived there. I only say that cause his first album was called “So long South Dakota”.
But, who cares about all that? I think we’re all past the point of caring about a rappers location. Let’s judge the dude on his music. Well, from what I’m hearing, he’s a clever and witty dude with good ear for beats. He’s certainly not trying to keep up with the joneses and remake Drake songs, which is nice. He’s just a solid rapper through and through. Subject matter wise, he’s a little too much on that “Lemme rap about weed” for my taste but people grow out of that shit and he’s good enough to make it not boring.
So, let’s check him…

Here’s his bandcamp. He’s got three albums available and they’re all “name your own price”.

Well, I’ve made my case but what do you guys think of him? Remember, you can pick more than one choice…

I Hooked up with riff Raff Vol. 5

Again? Listen…I’m gonna be honest. When I started doing these it was cause I was truly curious about the man. Opportunity reared it’s head and I went with it. But, at this point, what more is there to say about Riff Raff? I’m not seeking out the women he’s slept with cause, well, it’s been covered. Still, on occasion, I will get an unsolicited email from a young lady claiming she has been with the mysterious super star. I’m usually skeptical and ask for proof, once they send me something (a pic, a screen shot of a text, etc…) I then proceed. However, I’m done with this. You can stop sending me stories about Riff Raff. I think I know everything I need to know. That said, this young lady reached out to me with a different angle so I thought I’d share it. She felt that Riff Raff had gotten a bad rap. Fair enough. And, to be honest, she may be the first girl I interviewed who actually knows the guy. The rest were drunken one offs but this girl actually has hung out with him multiple times. She basically sent this to me to give an alternate to the other girls I’ve spoken with. It’s only fair to let her be heard. But, like I said earlier, this is the last one. This shit already feels invasive enough and, honestly, I bet Riff Raff is an okay dude who doesn’t deserve his shit on blast. That said, I would like to put out a call to anyone who’s hooked up with Stitches. I wanna hear your story. Oh god, do i ever wanna hear that story. If you’ve hooked up with Stitches, email me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com and let’s chat. But Riff raff? This is the last one.
Let’s check it out:

How did you meet Riff Raff?
At one of his concerts in early December backstage. My best friend and I met one of the owner’s of the venue that night and he let us in.

Were you attracted to him when you met him?
I was physically attracted to him because of his body (he’s super bulky and all muscle). Other than that, not at all.

Who was the aggressor?
Who was the aggressor, in terms of flirting and things escalating to a sexual level?
He was definitely the aggressor. My friend and I were hanging out backstage after the concert, not even talking to him, and he approached me and he pointed at me saying “I want you tonight.” We ended up going to his hotel with him and partying with him and his friends for the night. In the car on the way there, he put his arm around me and was really laying moves on me- whispering into my ear etc. When we arrived he led me straight to the bedroom. He wouldn’t keep his hands off me the rest of the night.

Is Riff Raff Charming?
There’s definitely something about him that keeps me coming back for more, but I haven’t figured out what it exactly is yet.

Was any part of sleeping with Riff Raff doing it because there’s something funny about being able to say you had sex with Riff Raff?
At first, yes. It was just another wild night spent with my best friend partying and we knew it would be a hilarious experience to have and story to tell someday.

Have you slept with other “famous” people before?
Kind of. Unfortunately, Riff Raff would be the most famous though.

Did he break out of character at any point? If so, when and how?
The first night I met him and partied with him, not at all. He was the exact person anyone would expect him to be. He was definitely trying to show off all night long. He was on drugs that night and alcohol was involved so that may’ve added to it. Our other encounters since then have been a lot different and I can say he has broke out of character. I’ve seen both sides of him now- the flashy-show off-rapper-party boy, and the gentle-caring-mellow-nicer version.

Riff raff recently has been working out and getting huge. Do you have any incite on this? Are you into it?
He works out all the time and he is really focusing on his body and health a lot more and he is starting to party a little less! I’m totally into it. Good for him for wanting to better his physical health. That is one thing we definitely bonded over- both loving our gym time and wanting to better our bodies. As for his diet, he doesn’t have one hahaha!

I feel as if most men are most honest and vulnerable post orgasm. Would you say this was true of Riff Raff?
I can say this is true, but definitely not the first time we were together. The first time we hooked up, we finished, and then washed up and went to go party some more. As we got to hanging out more, every time after we have hooked up its been more intimate. Yes, we have cuddled.

Were drugs and alcohol involved in your personal time with Riff Raff? if so, what?
Our first encounter involved a lot of alcohol and many drugs were floating around that night, but all that we did was coke. Every other time I’ve hung out with him since, we’ve either been sober or some alcohol was involved.

Did you enjoy sleeping with Riff Raff? Any regrets?
The first time it was just something fun to do. I did enjoy it, still have no idea why. Every time we hang out, I enjoy hooking up with him and being in his presence more. Still haven’t figured out why. There’s just something to him. No regrets though!

Would you do it again?
I’ve already done it with him a few times. I plan on us seeing each other again soon. No one knows what the future may hold though.

After it was all said and done, what is your take on RiffRaff, as a man? Good guy? Misunderstood genius? Retarded clown?

Surprisingly, he is a very smart man. His rap persona is all an act. He does it because he loves being goofy and having fun with his music. I give him a lot of credit because he is drawing in the fans and captivating people with all the craziness. Like any good entertainer, he has it figured out and he’s stacking up the cake $$$. He’s been nothing less than a gentleman to me. From what his friends have told me, he wasn’t always like this. He is truly trying to put tons of effort into his fitness and health, and trying to be a better person than he used to be and his friends are much happier for him now. I think he finally got his head on straight and has established goals for himself. All in all, he is a smart and good man.

And there you have it. He’s a good guy with feelings. He’s getting healthy. He’s capable of human emotion. He is not a cartoon. I feel as though this story finally reached a happy place. Best of luck to Riff Raff and thanks to this girl for sharing a different side of things with all of us.