I travel all the fucking time. And not in that “Me and my friend hopped on a place and spent the weekend in Miami!” kinda way. There are no vacations, just flights. I stay up in airports, eating badly and searching for power sources not already teeming with people just like me. I realize talking about airports is pretty hacky territory but , right now, I’m sitting in a hotel room , awaiting the next flight I’ll be taking later today so, fuck it. Cause This blog always needs content and because I feel like this is something many of you can relate to…lemme tell you about the people at the airport. This is all airports. Doesn’t matter if I’m flying NYC to LA or Prague to Kiev.

1) The “Wait…what is airport security and how does it work?” person.

This is the person in front of you on the security line. They look befuddled by them even being in the airport. When they get to the point where it’s time to remove shoes and place things in bins, it’s as if they’re learning to walk again for the first time. Now, in some cases, this person is often a foreigner who is clearly flying for the first time. So, to them, I give a pass. It’s weird to be on a plane for the first past the age of 50 but, hey, everyone lives their own lives so I can’t really judge. But, more often than not, it’s someone who has clearly flown before and they can’t grasp the concept that there are constants with this whole “airport security” thing. Yes, dickhead, you must take off you shoes. Yes, moron, this is one of those wacky airports that requires you to remove all metal objects from your pockets. I see this person probably 50% of the time and I honestly wouldn’t even have assumed they still made people like that in 2015. But, clearly, they do…all the time.

2)The BIG family

Nothing promotes never having kids in your life like a trip to the Airport. Seeing couples with one or two kids struggling to do the most simple of tasks is rough. You genuinely feel bad for the parents, as their 2 year old decides he wants to lie face down on the filthy airport carpet and scream instead of boarding the plane. But, unfortunately, that’s the life for people traveling with kids. Anyone who’s ever condemned parents for plopping their kids in front of an I-pad for 3 hours on a flight needs to shut the fuck up and understand that’s those kids parents being considerate to all the other people in the place. I salute you, I-pad parents.

But, this isn’t about the small families. This is about those play-doh baby factory ass families that have 4 to 8 kids all within a year of each other. What the fuck is wrong with you? Stop making kids. And, if you’re gonna make kids, stop filling up airplanes with them. Get a bus or some shit and tour around the states like the partridge family.

I’m not an unfair person. i realize we all gotta travel and even people with a whole baseball team in strollers have their needs. But, seriously, you people having more than two kids are not helping anyone. Mind you, I’m the youngest of 7. But you best believe I never traveled 7 deep ANYWHERE.

3)Random hot girl who works in the airport

There’s not ALWAYS one but it’s not uncommon. You’ll be walking by the Panera bread or the place that sells those greasy pretzel bites and be taken aback by beauty wearing an uncomfortable polo shirt and a visor. I’ve been many places where stunningly hot girls work weird, low end jobs but that’s mostly out of the states. Toll booth collectors in France, The security people in Tel Aviv, Cab drivers in Romania (though, that was a fluke, I’m sure). But , i dunno…there’s something about seeing it in the states that’s crazy to me. Pretty people have such a natural advantage in the job market. It’s like “Oh, you’re dumb as a bag of rocks but you look good? Here’s have this job serving booze to rich people…” But these girls somehow landed working a gig in their local Airport at 5:30 am on a Tuesday. Surely, Applebee’s was hiring? Something. Anything other than the airport. i dunno…Maybe I’m reading too deeply into it but it’s never not shocking to see.

4)The “I’mma charge my phone even though it’s on 95% power” guy/girl.

I don’t know why some airports like to make it so there are as few power sources as possible. While some have gotten hip to the needs of traveling humans and placed power sources all over the place, there are still a large amount of airports who have like 4 places to plug in anything in an entire terminal. In places like that, it is full on panic mode for anyone with less that 40% power on their phones. This results in plug hoarding. Where a guy/girl will post up (usually in one of the uncomfortable places where the randomly decide to put the power source like behind a vending machine or under a bridge) and just lock it down forever. They might have a 3 hour layover. Well, that means three hours of charging their phone and i-pad at the same time. I get that it’s first come first served but I’ve looked over a peoples shoulders to seen their power well over 80% while I’m shutting my phone off at 8% so I have enough power to call my friend when I land. It’s all very lord of the flies. I’d imagine, if they don’t start bringing more plugs into all airports, there will be a murder that occurs over this very topic. Granted, it will be in an airport so it won’t be done with weapons…and that’s even scarier. Imagine being stabbed to death by a plastic fork over 40% power on your phone.

5)Ladies who looooove sports

This is a random one that I just noticed for the first time and I think it’s specific to airports in the midwest. I ate at a few sports bar type places between flights (Better than fast food) and they were stuffed to brim with girls with baseball hats on,college team sweaters and filled beer mugs, cheering on whatever was going on tv. ANd they weren’t all together. They were just random girls, loving sports at a bar in an airport. You know the types…they’re very common. You can find them in every sports bar across this great land. But there was something so strange about seeing so many in airports. It was as if they made plans to meet and watch the Final four at the Minneapolis “O’houlahan’s in terminal c”. Nothing wrong with any of this…it just jumped out at me.

6)Overly comfortable guy

Nah dude, it’s cool…take you shoes off. Lie down, even. It’s not like this is a public place where common space is of any importance. I understand that sometime layovers can be a nightmare. I’ve killed 8 hours in a few airports before and it’s not fun. But these guys aren’t that. The layover from hell people generally seem more like refugees. They’re huddled in corners trying to both sleep and protect their belongings. You can spot them from a mile away and it’s hard to not feel bad for them. But these creature of comfort guys? They’re just assholes who view everywhere on earth as their den. Laying on the stomachs, typing on their laptop as people basically have to step over them to pass by. Shoes scattered around them like they just got home for 5th grade. These dudes (almost always dudes, btw) need their shit kicked around and taken just for being that frivolous with how they use common space.

7) Teen tour people who love jesus

They all are wearing the same baby blue T-shirt that says something about god on it. They’re all between the age of 13-18. Many of them are blonde. They are a bubbling couldron of hormones and emotions being stifled by the fear of eternal damn nation. All that equals out to the loudest group of human beings you can ever imagine. The girls Squawk. The men grunt. They are EVERYWHERE at all times. I gotta think , if there really was a god, he’s be looking down at these kids like “Ughh…”. As he should, after all, he made them. They’re his fault.

8)The fashion show

You know how in college there were two types of girls. Ones that wore sweatpants to class and looked constantly hungover and ones who treated it like the club and wore make up to an 8 am class. Airports are exactly the same. while most people are smart and dress for comfort, there are still a decent amount of people who get decked out just to sit on a plane for 5 hours. Sometimes i assume they must have an important meeting that takes place in the airport they’re flying too or maybe they’re going directly from the plane to the club. It’s possible. Either way, these are people who have no respect for simplicity and comfort. These are not my people.

9)Chatty Southern people

Southern people are very friendly. It’s nice. As long as the convo stays pretty surface, it’s never an issue. Place these friendly southern folks in an airport and give them ample downtime and, boom, you got a person who is basically a terrorist who kills you with conversation. Ever spoke to a stranger about the weather in their part of the country for 45 minutes? I have. Ever tried to explain to a 65 year old daughter of people who definitely owned slaves what “Making a beat” is? I’m familiar with this process. It’s as if they are unable to quietly sit and be by themselves. It’s always and quick head turn and “So, where you headed to?” and so it begins. Sure, I’m wearing headphones and making no eye contact whatsoever but, fuck it, let’s have an extensive and boring talk about nothing. I don’t know why it’s always southern people but it is. Sometimes, you can be too friendly.

10)The worst human on earth…the Plane boarding cheater.

I’m a person who’s never flown first class. I’m also a person who’s typically in group 3 or group c when boarding a plane. Meaning, I’m waiting , impatiently with my bags in my hands praying that there’s overhead space left when it’s my turn to get on. That said, i follow the rules. I don’t try and swindle my way on the plane. For every person like me, there is another person who simply will not deal with the cards he was dealt. No, he will try to sneak on ahead of his group. Sometimes the person taking the tickets won’t notice and he is victorious. Other times, they will be paying attention and they’ll call him out. He’ll be like “Oh, sorry…I thought you called my group.” Nah, b. They’re boarding army vets and gold star plus members right , not group D back of the plane ass dudes. The guys are savages. That said, if I had the nerve to be one of them and it would work, i’d probably do that shit too. Sadly, i have a conscience.

There are so many more but that’s all I can think of right now on this morning. If you’re in an airport in the near future, feel free to make a scavenger hunt out of this list. And say hi to me if you see me. I’m the guy with the hat on eating something terrible, hating my existence.