Preview reviews vol. 10


2
It’s time once again for the ultimate time saver. So many movies come out every year. It’s hard to keep up. I love films but who has time to go see a movie every week? Instead, I find it easier to just watch the trailers and reviews those. Why? Cause most movies are so full of shit, do you really need to watch the whole thing to get the picture? The 2.5 minutes of preview is more than enough for me. So, let’s all go to the movie…preview section of youtube.

Straight Outta Compton

Music biopics are tough. ESPECIALLY when most of the people in the movie are both still alive and have their hands in the pot. If I wrack my brain, I can think of some decent Biopics. “Ray”…was okay. “Cadillac Records” was watchable. “Walk the line” wasn’t terrible. But, even those movies were slightly off. There’s something about retelling a story that actually happened that hollywood can never fully embrace with honesty. In the case of this new NWA movie, I’m expecting full blown bullshit to the gills. Will I watch it on cable? Hell fucking yeah I will. It’s a rap biopic. How could I not? But, man, it’s gonna be fucking bad.
The thing about movies like this is that they’re generally made for people who know nothing about the subject. It makes sense that it would be like that to attract a larger audience but, for those people who actually know about NWA, this will no doubt be offensive. Outside of the movie just looking corny and formulaic, I’m basing this on the fact that MC ren doesn’t appear in any of the previews I’ve seen. How the fuck you gonna make a movie about NWA and not mention Ren? I’m guessing he’ll be in this entire movie as a dude in background of every scene with random one off lines like “Yeah!” or “These people don’t even know!”. I get if they buried Yella, but Ren? That’s just disrespectful. In fact, I’d rather watch an MC Ren documentary than this piece of shit movie. Where’s Ren? I wanna know!

Premature

I’m not even gonna front. This probably has some funny moments in it and will make a perfect cable movie. Something I can watch half heartedly while texting and playing candy crush.
The thing I take issue here is where it says “Like a mix between groundhogs day and American pie!”
Hold up there, breh. This isn’t a “mix” of anything. It’s the exact same fucking plot as Groundhogs day , but in high school, so it’s kinda like “American Pie” too. THE SAME FUCKING THING. So, wait, you’re telling me this kid wakes up every day in the same day? And then , as the days pass, he learns the importance of his life or whatever? No shit. Lemme guess, he gets some sort of spiritual redemption at the end? Get all the way the fuck outta here with that shit.
Listen, I know hollywood has run out of ideas and has been remaking 80’s and 90’s movies for a while now. But this one? It’s not even trying to be different. It’s as if, it was conjured in a boardroom meeting but people picking movie names out of a hat.
“Okay, let’s see…I got “scream” and “What about bob?”
“Nah, pick again…”
“Okay, I got “Blade runner” and “Who framed Roger rabbit?”. That could be really good!”
“Eh, doesn’t feel right. Pick again.”
“Umm..,let’s see…”American pie” and “Groundhogs day”?”
“YES! I’ll start writing the script tonight!”

Paul Blart: Mall cop 2

One of the times in my life I was most offended was when someone told me I looked like Kevin James. It stung deep. Granted it was a drunk rapper who said it and I get the feeling he thought all white people look alike but still…I’ll never forget it. But I digress.
For some reason, I have watched Paul Blart Mall cop 1. Well, lemme correct that…I watched about 20 minutes of it and turned it off. That may not sound like anything out of the ordinary but I actually have a high threshold for shitty movies. I’ve watched “Rent” in it’s entirety. I’ve seen “Little man” a few times in passing. But “Paul blart mall cop”? Couldn’t do it…and I was on a fucking plane. Do you know how bad a movie has to be to stop watching it on a plane? That means I’d rather sit in silence, watching the back of seat than even try to entertain myself with a movie. It was that bad. Let’s be honest, Kevin James isn’t very funny. He’s likable. I don’t hate him and I bet he’s a nice guy who, in person, might actually be kinda funny. But as an actor and comedian? Nah, B. He’s got one of those careers that baffles me cause I’ve literally never met a person who champions him. I understand the popularity of the blue collar comedy tour comics more than I do the fact there is a second Paul Blart movie. “Oh, look at the inept dork on a segway fumble his way into crime solving”. Clearly, this is for the kids. I just feel bad for all the parents out there that will have to sit through this horse shit. Shit like that will make you resent your kid and question why you even made him/her in the first place. Thanks Paul Blart!

Hot Pursuit

Every now and then a preview comes along and, right off the bat, you get that feeling of “ohhh…this is a bad idea…”. Unlikely buddy movies often elicit that response cause, let’s face it, it’s well worn territory. Even ones with two actors who I like are kinda suspect. In a way, buddy movies are where funny people end up after they’ve had a little success and wanna cash in. It’s the comedians version of a special effects driven blockbuster. They’re also seemingly a testing ground for Tv actors trying to jump onto the big screen.
In the case of “Hot Pursuit”, we got two ladies I have no problem with. Say what you will about Reese Witherspoon but she’s been good in a bunch of movies and is likable enough. Sofia Vergara…seems like the best person of all time. Is she funny? I dunno. I don’t watch Modern Family. All I know is that she’s insanely hot and old. I also know that she’s famous for literally sleeping her way to the top in the south american soap opera world and I actually respect that…cause it clearly paid off.
But this movie, and movies like it, are so formulaic it’s a wonder they still bother even making it. Still, it feels like one comes out every year and yields the same results. Hi-jinx!
I think what’s most curious about this is who is it’s target audience? Bored Women? Milf lovers? Gay dudes? Latino people? Deaf people? It dips it’s toes in all those pools but, really, i feel like the majority of all those groups can find better movies to fulfill their generalized needs.
This movies is definitely one that I will one day watch on a plane…unless it costs money. i wouldn’t pay to see this bullshit in a million years.

3 thoughts on “Preview reviews vol. 10

  1. I feel a little bad for Kevin James. Like, Paul Blart is as good as it gets for him. I saw a trailer for this piece of shit movie and Kevin James did a quick introduction, and you could just tell the life had been sucked out of him

  2. The N.W.A movie looks like it’s about actors playing actors. You definitely know we won’t be seeing the N.W.A and the posse look at all and probably no mention of Arabian Prince at all. What about D.O.C?

  3. Ha ha!!! The Arabian Prince?! The Posse?! In fairness it is a two hour movie. I see it being “Notorious-esque” with all of the unproven actors in it. The FBI angle will be played up heavy. Obstacles overcome… Blah blah blah.

    As for Kevin James, I shed no tears. The man has to be sitting mighty pretty between this franchise and “King of Queens” syndication alone. I will say I’ve seen
    his stand-up, and it wasn’t horrible.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s