Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 45


thedoc-doctor
It’s the diggy diggy doc yall!
Welcome to another edition of “Ask Dr. Tony”. A place for people with personal problems to ask me for help. Why me? Cause I’m here and willing to talk about it. Also, I’m not your friend so I most likely won’t sugarcoat it for you. Keep in mind, I have no medical training and I dropped out of college after one year but, hey, I got some perspective and will try my best to lead you toward the light.
If you have any problems that need fixing or just want some advice, holler at me. Email me questions at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments section below. It’s all anonymous so this is a safe place.

Dr. Tony,

Back in early July of 2014 I met this girl and everything was great. We had many of the same interests (Music, video games, etc.) and our personalities were nearly identical (both gloomy and negative fucks). We stayed friends for a while and never really had any desire to take it further for months.

Around November, I started to develop big feelings for her but I kept it to myself because I did not think she shared my feelings. A couple days before Christmas she began acting very strange around me. I could tell she was acting a lot more shy and reserved so I asked her what was going on and she told me she had begun to develop feelings for me. It kind of took me by surprise but I replied to her that I felt the same way.

Everything was fine for about a couple of weeks after that. She was being overly affectionate with me which was totally opposite of her normal personality. She would tell me she felt strange whenever we would go certain periods without talking and how much she needed to hear my voice multiple times a day. We didn’t get much time to see each other throughout the day because my work schedule and her school schedule conflicted. Eventually, I could tell a little bit after New Years that she was acting a lot more distant around me and we began talking a lot less (usually it was every few hours, then it turned to every day and then every few days). When I confronted her about it, she told me that I had changed ever since we told each other our feelings. She said that I was acting a lot nicer to her and she didn’t like that. I replied that it’s hard to not act nicer when she is always acting so affectionate around me.

Eventually our relationship died off. She wanted to remain friends and still talk to me, but since I still had feelings for her I told her I did not want that and would rather distance myself. I have normally never had any issues with rejection, but this one stung quite a bit because of the fact that she liked me and then rejected me after such a short period of time and for reasons that I don’t understand. I’m quite sure that distancing myself from her is the correct solution but it has been a month and I still haven’t really gotten over it. Is there any advice you can give or is this something I will just have to suffer through for a bit longer?

Well, I commend you for even being smart enough to know you need the distance. Most people in this situation would easily either fall back into the friendzone against their will or try to finagle some more sex out of it until it truly crashes and burns. So, off the bat, you’re doing well. Unfortunately, there is no time limit to getting over things. It doesn’t just click away one day. It slowly fades. On the bright side, this one shouldn’t take THAT long cause you haven’t even known here for very long. The entire span of your relationship (from meeting her to now) is less than a year. This won’t last too long. Get out the house. Stop wallowing. Embrace the concept that you can’t change what you can’t control.
On a side note, what the fuck is up with her saying you were too nice? Were you guys like sacrificing goats and spitting in each others mouths one day than you took her to the park for a romantic walk and she was like “ew!”. That’s really bizarre and a definite red flag when a girl reacts that way to simply being treated nicely. I mean, maybe the nice you is a cornball and she wanted to date the negative gloomy dude but…I dunno. Even negative gloomy people take some downtime and the nature of being with someone you care about is to be kind to them.

What up boy??? So i pretty much need you to tell me what I already know. This is a fuck buddy/don’t ask don’t tell situation.

I’ve been hooking up with this guy for a little less than a year now. When we started hooking up there was no cuddling ,sex and then split. this was good and made it easy to keep those feelings non existent. A few of months into we statred spending nights together and thats when we started cuddling. He holds me all night holds my hand and kisses me anytime he wakes up. He even makes me face him when we sleep. No talking over the phone at all and very little texting at all in between when we see each other. I don’t ask him to much at all about his personal life and just try to keep it really cool and fun with him. We have amazing sex.. Like the best i’ve ever had. He tells me no nobody fucks him like I do and how much he looks forward to seeing and kissing me when we get together. He kisses me and holds me all night. Then he’s gone. He’s a hustler aka busy 24/7.. I don’t have feelings for him but I really could if I let myself.. The last night we spent together he asked me while we were hooking up to tell him my pu*** was his.. I did.. It is.. I haven’t hooked up with anyone but him since we started hooking up. I’ve never told him that but he might know.. Could him asking me to tell him that mean anything? or am I foolishly reading into it to much? (second one seems more in reality) As stupid as it seems even though he is not my boyfriend or anything at all to me really… I would feel bad hooking up withsomone else.. Even though I know he does.. I feel like I definately need to, to avoid catching feelings for this guy.. Whats the vibe Block? Im 23 and he’s in his late 20’s not sure exactly.

Your instincts are right. I would guess he loves…fucking you. All the sweet stuff is just run off of the sex. Some dudes blur those lines in a most unfortunate way. Like his attraction to you may be so strong he can’t keep his hands off you but that doesn’t mean he’s emotionally invested. There is a chance he may have conflicted feelings about you too but it’s more likely that he’s just being intimate with you like that cause that’s how he is. btw, The “facing you while he sleeps” thing is a little weird though. I don’t doubt , in the moment, he feels a real closeness and I also don’t doubt he’s legit fond of you. But dudes like this, in general, are single by choice and they love it. Unless he starts ramping up your relationship, you can assume it’s right where he wants it to be.
That kinda thing is only fair if you’re on the same wavelength. If you start feeling stronger about him, that’s how hearts gets broken. So, be careful with that.
Judging from what I read, I feel like this dude is an ego driven sexual being AKA a man. Him asking you “whose pussy is this?” is both playful sex talk but also kinda real. Most men wanna be looked upon as “the best lover” and it’s 100% for our own ego. But, beyond that? it’s a toss up. Sex and emotions are rarely connected for us. Like, I bet if you tried to have a “what are we?” talk, he’d get distant and the sex sessions would immediately begin to taper off.
So, yeah, I think you know what’s going on. If you can handle it emotionally on your end, stick with it. But if you feel yourself over thinking it all and getting obsessive, it might be best to just cut it off… or, at the very least, start seeing other guys.

Hi Dr. Tony

1st off, love your music, you’re the coolest.

Secondly, I have a confusing situation on my hands. Sorry for how long this might be. I’m a 20 year old and I recently got involved with a 42 year old man (4 months at this point.) We worked together and were friends-ish. For context’s sake, I’m mature for my age, kinda an old soul, and we flirted but I initiated the situation. He was shy in the beginning due to the age factor; he’s not some creep scamming on young girls.

I just got out of a fucked up 3 year relationship, and his last relationship was 6 years ago when he got divorced. I knew he hadn’t gotten laid since then, and I wanted a simple nice guy to hook up with. So we became fuck buddies and HOLY FUCK the best sex anybody has had ever. Seriously fuckinggggg mindblowing. So we started hanging out constantly for that reason, then started hanging out outside that, and long story short feelings started to develop. He wanted more, I fought the feelings for a while cause we don’t make any sense in the long run, and I wasn’t looking for anything like that. But despite all that, the connection is crazy, so I stopped fighting it, we starting saying I love you… yadda yadda yadda, happiest either of us has been in a long time.

Anywho. How insane is this? We’ve both acknowledged at this point there’s no foreseeable reason for us to break up soon… we laugh and have incredible sex, have similar interests and views, and we’re both just smart kind no-drama people. Then in my head I fast forward to where I’m 40 when he’s 60… and he fuckin smokes a pack a day so who knows how long he’ll last if I’m being honest with myself.That said, I’m 20, I’m not in a huge rush to find a super long term thing.

So I think I’d like to ride this out and enjoy it for the meantime. But I don’t want to get in even further over my head. The age factor in the long run doesn’t affect him as negatively as it does me, so he talks casually about how much he loves me and pictures this being long-term.

So should I get out now while it’s easier (and then possibly regret it cause the decision was made logically not emotionally) or stick around and risk getting in deeper and fucking up my future?

Thanks dude!

Damn…that is one hell of an age different. Honestly, if you were 30 and he was 50, I’d probably give you a different response to this. 20 is SO YOUNG. 40 is middle aged. Fucking each other is one thing (many would say a 40 year old should not be fucking a 20 year old though) but a serious relationship? That’s tough. I’m not saying it’s impossible and it definitively won’t work but it is certainly not ideal. The thing is, he’s been through all this shit. He’s fucking divorced! His days of going out and looking for girls are over. You haven’t even started your life yet. It may be okay now but it will eventually catch up. You think you’re gonna wanna be with him for the rest of your life? What happens when the great sex starts to wane. You think a 55 year old man is going to still blow your socks off, or even want to have sex with any regularity? Not gonna happen. I think the problem with this is that you two , as much as you get along and relate, are coming from such different places and times that it just seems doomed to fail. I find it weird that a 40 year old could relate to a 20 year old at all, old soul or not. When you were born, he was 3 years out of college.
On the bright side, you’re young enough to where you can ride it out and see what happens. Even if you just date him for 4 years, you’ll still be really young when it’s over and life will go on. To him, however, this could be his end game. kind of ideal really. Settle down with a much younger girl. He gets it all. but, I dunno…it’s just a lot of eggs to put in one basket. The heart wants what the heart wants (that’s that stupid saying, right?) but ,logically, you shoulda never been fucking him in the first place. You’re future is far less at stake than his cause your future has many more years on it.

I cheated on my girlfriend 2 months ago. I kissed another girl. My girlfriend broke up with me over this and I have been fighting to get her back for the past 2 months. She is still so full of resent and anger about what I did to her that she isn’t willing to forgive me just yet or say we’re back together.

We were fuck buddies before we ever got serious. We got serious 14 months ago. Tonight she told me she could go back to being fuck buddies but she doesn’t want to be my girlfriend. I am still emotionally attached to her. I don’t know if I should continue sleeping with her or if I should cut off all ties and move on. I need advice.

If this weeks edition has taught us anything it is that being fuck buddies will always open doors. If she is willing to have sex with you again, even though she feels betrayed by you, there’s a good chance that that sex could lead to you two getting back together. Not to mention, while kissing is cheating, it’s not like you fucked another girl. A kiss is a mark against you but it’s at least not something she has to sit and envision , while being whipped up into a furious frenzy.
The thing about basically starting over is that there is a risk. She may indeed only want the sex. That’s possible. But, at the same time, once you start having sex and that comfort and familiarity comes back, it does all sorts of shit to peoples brains. You will definitely get attached again but there’s a good chance she will too. The question is, can she forgive you for cheating? If not, then don’t bother. You don’t want her holding some dumb kiss over your head for the rest of your relationship. So, my advice is do one of two things:
1)Cut ties and move on
Simply just to keep things simple and lessen any confusion hooking up again might cause
2)Bone her again but watch for the backlash. If she’s making you feel like shit for that kiss, respectfully say you can’t do this and get out. If things go back to where they were and you feel forgiven, then ride that wave. The last thing that makes a relationship thrive is holding some shit over the other persons head. I tend to think, If she was really that mad, she wouldn’t reopen the door in the first place. But trust, if she ever does let you back in, you gotta be super boyfriend #1.

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