Oh really, Uberfacts? vol. 3

Uberfacts is a lovely little twitter profile that posts “facts” all day. They range from actual truths to completely made up bullshit. I like to spotlight some of their tweets as a means to open a dialogue. A one man dialogue. So really, more like a soliloquy. Whatever it is, it’s a chance to rant about some random stuff, which is always fun for me in the mornings.

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This is not really a case of “Sounds like a load a of bullshit, uberfacts!”. In fact, I believe this 100%. I more wanna just point out how enraged the US would be if they did this to us. Can you imagine? All the social injustice going on right now and  , I guarantee , the news would stop even pretending to care about baltimore and break a story that the internet will be off for a few hours a night from here on out. Not only would there be a spike in teen suicides but I think the entire nation would riot. People would be running up in their Time Warner, Comcast and Fios affiliates and flipping tables. The scorned  masturbators alone would be enough to have to bring in the national guard.  It would seriously be the end of life as we know it and probably result in some mad max like scenario where rebels drive around in armed trucks , fondling their laptops, looking for the last remaining WiFi signals after 3 am. The only place you could go for any internet will be airports where they still charge you $9.99 for a Boingo hotspot that is a shoddy connection, at best. That is not a world we should ever live in.

To be honest, I don’t even know how these other places do it. Eastern europe? Asia? Those are some internet using motherfuckers. You would think the online gaming community alone would have already run up on these crackers in their city halls. Or, perhaps, they have some perspective on this that we never could. I’m sure it’s a money saving move and not for the betterment of their countries but still…it’s bold as fuck.

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Oh did it?  Did a new study also discover that cocaine makes shy people chatty? This is another one of those “Why even do this fucking study, bro?” studies. Being drunk makes people a lot of things. Happy, sad, lonely, social, angry, horny, etc…For many people, getting drunk is like eating a super mario mushroom for their emotions. Whatever they’re feeling that day, will be amplified. Some people are good drunks. Some people are always bad drunks. Those bad drunks tend to be sitting on some issues that rear their ugly heads when that drunken force field is down. So, regardless of the mood of that day, a few shots with release the kraken and the kraken sucks to be around.

In the case of “Spiritual” people, this is not surprising at all to me. I’ve met some people who claim to be spiritual beings who are seething cauldrons of rage. If you think about it, it makes sense. someone who goes out of their way to be “spiritual” (not to be confused with any religion) is looking for a deeper meaning in life. They’re looking for inner peace. Which means, in reality, they probably don’t have that inner peace. In reality, they’re probably bubbling over with anger, confusion , anxiety and all sort of other shitty feelings we all have on a daily basis. But, they try to suppress it. That’s where booze comes in. It’s the ultimate finder in the game of emotional hide and seek. Oh, you’re harboring some petty disdain for a friend of yours over some bullshit that happened 5 years ago? Well, booze found that hiding under the bed and , 6 drinks in, it’s out the bag and you can’t control yourself. All the yoga, meditation and enlightened readings in the world can’t save you.

It’s funny cause, over the years, I’ve been able to travel a lot and meet all sorts of people. One type of person I’ve learned about is the “Angry hippie”. In my mind, this doesn’t make sense but, man…they’re everywhere. My advice to them would be to smoke more weed and drink less booze. Not cause one is better than the other but cause, clearly, that underlaying rage need not be stirred. Unless you wanna go see a shrink or something. That I fully recommend cause, hey, some people really need that shit.

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Yes , Uberfacts, dumb kids become dumb adults.

This is something I learned far too late in life. When you’re a child, you kind of assume adults are smarter than you. which is good cause, in general, they are. They have experience and perspective that a kid simply doesn’t gain during their short time on earth. However, I’ll never forget the first time I realized that adults can be morons too. That , just cause you’re older, it doesn’t mean you’re automatically an authority on anything. To be clear, I’m a huge proponent to respecting your elders. No matter who it is. That said, there is no shortage of completely moronic fully formed adults. You know that kid you knew in high school who was a complete fucking idiot frat boy dickhead? Guess what? It’s 20 years later and he’s still that same piece of shit. Only difference is that he has a job and family now. He’s most likely raising shitty kids cut from the same shitty cloth and the cycle will never end.

Some closed minded , angry little 8 year old isn’t guaranteed to be an angry little homophobic racist when he gets older but he’s definitely “more likely” than they mellow,open minded kid who drew unicorns in class all day.  The sad thing about this all is that it can entirely be traced back to the parents. Dumb adults create dumb children. It goes on for generations. Luckily, there are some kids that can rise out of a household of morons and somehow find their way to the light.  Hats off to them. They’re really the ones who might tip the scales in a positive way later on.

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Man…I’m not a conspiracy theorist at all. I don’t believe anything. So, when my facebook wall is flooded with all this “facebook can see into your soul!!!” propaganda I just ignore it. In reality, it’s probably true. Facebook is a monster. A nosey monster who’s all up in your shit. But they aren’t selling your status updates to the NSA. They’re just marketing on a level we can’t even comprehend. We are all stats to them. People losing their shit over facebook using their profiles for this or that have a serious lack of understanding how unimportant they are individually. Facebook doesn’t care about your baby pics or what the sunrise looks like in Bali. Facebook wants to know what TV you’re watching and what restaurant you ate at last night. It could care less about your food pic, but if you tag where it was taken? Cha-ching! This is not the illuminati. It’s a billion dollar company that’s trying to make more billions. So, while it may be invading your privacy, it’s goal isn’t to take over the world. It’s simply to know where to post that pizza hut ad versus a more local only pizzaria that might appeal to you and people like you. Cause you are just a number in a file report. You’re not even a real person.

All that said, when I read shit like this uberfact it’s a little unnerving. WTF facebook? Don’t you know I write all my best racist jokes as status updates but then never send them cause, you know, sometimes you gotta just write it out to expel those demons, right? But seriously, this is lame on both ends. It’s weird that facebook can do that but also weird that people would be THAT bothered by it. I’m sure all it amounts to is facebook getting to see a shit load of insecure thoughts that never got published or bad jokes that the writer wisely opted out of posting. I highly doubt it’s catching some terrorist who was about to post some inflammatory rant but then was like “Eh, not today…”.

So, yeah, just accept that facebook is all up in your business but also recognize that facebook doesn’t give a fuck about you or your thoughts. Btw, if you really want to be kept out of things, stop hashtagging. That alone invites all sorts of attention into your life. Better yet, you want some privacy? Get off facebook. Buy a burner phone and go live in the woods. Only then can you be truly off the grid and safe from Mark Zuckerberg.

9 thoughts on “Oh really, Uberfacts? vol. 3

  1. “but in Asia, South America, and Eastern Europe the internet ‘sleeps’…”
    How can you believe this “100%”??? It’s such a sweeping generalization that, as usual with “facts,” fixes those continents as lesser or inferior to the US and/or other Westernized countries. There may be a few countries with strict internet laws but (by and large) this is false. If anything, internet restrictions are 4 porn.

    Still enjoyed reading tho.

  2. “The scorned masturbators alone would be enough to have to bring in the national guard.”
    I don’t believe this could have been said any better.

  3. Oh man, I can get sooo friggin paranoid and nervous with how I use the internet. It’s not like I complain out loud on facebook or anything and I know I’m nothing but a stat…
    I just feel like in 5 or 10 years we’ll collectively all go “what were we THINKING? How could be so dumb?” (in terms of what we put out there)

    Still, it’s out of my control and I think you have the right attitude. Damnit, show me the way, Blockhead!!!

    PS: Facebook seems pretty crazy, but those metrics on Netflix seem next level!

    Still, I know there’s hardly anything I can do about it and I think you have the right attitude. Show me the way, Blockhead!!!

      • Oops! I look pretty crazy there, saying “show me the way, Blockhead!!!” two times haha. I didnt realize I said the same paragraph twice.

  4. The description of the American reaction to a brief loss in internets is literary gold. It hilarious because even as ridiculous as it sounds (dare I say similar to a riot) it’s spot on. This same truth you speak is pretty sad at the same time. I like the Internet, but maybe if it was not always constantly accessible, people might, I don’t know, pick up a book??? If they even make those anymore without downloading via Internet. Or go outside. Or DO something they truly enjoy that doesn’t involve being hunched over on your ass staring at more information than you could ever possibly comprehend or need. And then, when it wakes up, maybe we would have a greater appreciation for how amazing it is as both a tool for learning and initiating change as well as entertainment, and also recognition of the many negative ways it is changing the way we think, act, interact, and “live.” You wrote all that in a funny way, unlike myself. Mad skillz….you are a man of many talents and lots of thoughts. Glad the Internet was awake for the moment 🙂

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