Current events: Let’s talk about these Youtube clips

It’s been a fun week for ridiculous videos. I figured it might be enjoyable to watch some and take an in depth look at them. Sure, why not?
Let’s start with a clip that was all over my facebook wall: The case of the girl who “didn’t” have sex with all of the Wu-tang clan

Now, watching this clip, I have mixed feelings. For one, I don’t think this girl fucked every member of Wu-tang clan. That would be impossible. You’re telling me Cappadonna and Masta Killa really got in there? No way. I think the ex-boyfriend is being totally presumptive and assuming the worst. I’d even go as far to say as I bet there isn’t a girl on earth who has slept with EVERY Wu-tang member. 3 or 4 of them? Sure. 5 or 6 even. But all of them? Getting them together in a room would be hard enough. Add on they’re all there to have sex with the same woman and you’re looking at odds similar to lightening striking the same person three times.
That said, the girl in this video has a look in her face that I’ve seen before. The look of someone who is totally full of shit but still smugly happy with herself. She found her way onto the Wu-tang Tour bus and hung out until 7 AM. I’ve toured enough to know that, unless you’re old school buddies with artists, pg rated shit does not go down on tour buses or in hotels after 2 am. My guess? She smoked a ton of weed. She drank a ton of booze. She saw at least one penis and sperm was involved. Whether she had vaginal sex or just used other orifices , I can’t tell you. But if you put her on a lie detector test, I’m pretty sure she would know the answer to “What does inspectah decks dick taste like?”. I only say this cause groupies gonna groupie. She can play dumb and say “Oh, I was just hanging out as friends!” but these are rappers we’re talking about. Not spiritual folk musicians who just wanna talk about the cosmos. They’re not trying to build lasting friendships with random midwest groupies. They are there for business. Again, I’ve seen this all first hand over and over again. It’s simply how the game goes. If they legit want nothing sexual from these women they meet after shows, honestly, they’d bounce. They’d go to bed cause sleep is rare on tour and you get it when you can. If they’re loyal husbands, they go to bed even earlier. Wu-tang clan IS something to fuck with, if you’re a drunken blonde girl in ann arbor michigan at 4 am on a tour bus. Not judging her cause, hey, they’re legends. But , even though he took it too far, her ex man definitely has a case.
After all, it was “one of the greatest nights of her life”. I’ve had some great conversations in my time…but I’m pretty sure none of them hold up as the “greatest night” of anything. That time I jerked of Raekwon while the GZA watched and played chess, though? I’ll never forget it.

The second vid to talk about is the new Sir Jarlsberg video.
It’s an ode to NYC public access. I realize this is a reference that will be lost on many of you but, holy shit does he nail it. I grew up watching this kinda stuff and it’s pitch perfect.

It should be noted that this contains clips of some real public access stuff from the 80’s and 90’s. Just to give you a reference point. Also, I make an appearance , so there’s that too.

The third video is of Madonna kissing Drake at Coachella

Now, I’m not trying to write a think piece on this dumb kiss. Inappropriate public kisses BEEN madonnas thing forever. I more wanna talk about drakes reaction AKA did he just drake castor oil out of a homeless mans boot?
Now, he’s gone on record saying something like her lip balm was funky tasting. RIGGGHHHHTTTT. We all know that shit flavored lip balm that famous people use. Seeing that that is clearly not true, I wanna go through 10 possible theories of what happened
1)A moth ball fell out of her mouth into his.
2)He could taste the remnants of Vanilla Ice and Dennis Rodman.
3)The fact she wouldn’t let him touch her hair was a huge turn off to him as,it it known, drake loves nothing more than brushing girls hair.
4)She spat in his mouth.
If I can expand on this one a little…when I was 15 or 16, my first real girlfriend and I were making out. For some reason, she thought it would be funny to spit in my mouth. My reaction was not far off from Drake’s in this clip except I was furious. I dunno, seeing it unfold just bought back those feelings. It’s possible.
5)Drake’s current girl was there so he had to play it off like it was gross.
6)It was, in fact, gross cause madonna is old and disgusting now. His reaction was a natural “ewwwwww…”
7)Her dentures fell into his mouth
8)Drake is grossed out but not having a serious emotional connection withe very girl he ksises. Simply put, he felt vulnerable and that reaction was soul saying “Not cool, bro…she’s somebodies mother!”
9)She burped into his mouth
10)She had kabala breath.
It’s gotta be one or more of those. Hopefully a full investigation will take place so we can get to the bottom of this urgent matter.

Last ,but not least, this video of a russian kid doing a cover of a Linkin park/Jay-z song.

First off, has there been a worse idea ever in music that bringing
jay-Z and Linkin Park together? Probably but this was reallllly fucking bad. But, let’s push that to the side for now and discuss people who record cover song videos for youtube. Specifically, for rap songs.
What is wrong with you? Where did life go wrong for you? Why? How? Who did this to you and where did the bad man touch you?
I get it on some level. It’s like Karaoke , but alone with a go pro. It’s just further proof that we are living in a coddled and delusional time like no other. Everyone thinks they’re special and no one is telling them otherwise. Well, let me be the first to say it then. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. NO ONE CARES. PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING AT YOU, NOT WITH YOU. Feel free to apply those statements to an and all things most people do on earth that involves someone else having to sit and watch them. I’ll include myself and my own career in there as well. I’m okay with that.

Answers for Questions vol. 234

Hi there everyone! Welcome to another edition of Answers for Questions. I just wanna say thanks to all the people who came out to see me this last weekend in Atl, Louisville and Asheville. NExt weekend is Toronto and Montreal! Check for more info and for other shows I have coming up.
Anyway, this is that thing where you ask me shit and I answer. If you wanna join the ride, go nuts. Either leave questions in the comment section below or email them to me directly at . I accept all questions but I really like when they’re creative and/or weird.
Let’s see what we got this week.

Why do you think people* refer to grown women as “girls” but we don’t refer to grown men as “boys?” *Myself included, but I gotta stop because it’s kinda bullshit.

I refer to grown men as boys all the time. As in, “my boys”. I also hear girls refer to grown men as “boys” all the time. I think calling women “girls” has to do with familiarity, age and situation. Like, If I’m at a bar and I see a crew of ladies, I might refer to them like “Hey, look at those girls”. But, If I’m at an old folks home, and see a group of ladies, I’d probably call them women. To me, it’s very age specific. Like if you’re much older than me, you’re a “woman”. But the same applies to males. I can’t think of a time I’ve been like “Look at all those men over there!” I’d sooner call them “”Guys” or “Dudes”.
I dunno…I really don’t think there is much depth behind this kind of thing and getting wrapped up in it is not really worth your time. It’s semantics but, if you want to make it something heavier, I suppose you can. Save the vitriol for when dudes only call women bitches. At least that is outwardly negative.

Have you ever used the following slang once upon a time?

– All that and a bag of chips.
– Just joshin’ you!
– This sucks the bag.

Never ever ever in my life have I said any of those phrases. Not even in jest. They could not be further outside my lexicon. That’s some 1991 Degrassi high shit right there.
“This sucks the bag” is one I’ve never even heard of…and I was happy not knowing that people say that shit. It must b from the same people who bought us “weak sauce” , which is the fucking worst slang ever.

The song Hack that you did with Billy Woods, what’s the story with the audio sample at the end of the song? Sounds like it’s from some fucked up MTA training video. Please explain.

It’s actually from one of those “Taxicab confessions” episodes from HBO. Woods found it. It’s a paramedic describing what happens when someone gets caught between a traincar and the platform. It’s fucking brutal.

Have you seen whiplash yet? If so what are your thoughts?

Have you ever cried during a movie? (unrelated questions of course)

I have and I loved it. I went in thinking it was gonna be some cornball musical type thing but, man, was I wrong. It’s excellent. I’ve actually seen it twice.
As for crying during a movie…not really. I’m a fairly robotic person emotionally so that kinda thing has been scarce in my life in general. That said, I’ve welled up a few times. Both times it happened in an fairly emotional time in my life. Sometime around the time my dad passed away when I was 20.
One time was watching the movie “Ice Storm”. There’s a scene at the end where Kevin Kline has an emotional breakdown in the car in front of his kids and, for some reason , that got me. Like I said, it was very time specific but there is something about watching a grown man lose his shit that effects me.
The other time was super random. I was at home alone watching the movie “Parenthood”, which I had seen probably 25 times and , for some weird reason, I got a little choked up during the scene where all the babies were being born. It was more on some tears of joy shit but I really have no idea what that was about.

Do you care if the water you’re drinking is cold or are you totally fine with room temperature?

As long as it doesn’t taste shitty, I’m cool with it. I’d prefer it to be colder but I’ll take it however. In general, I’m not a picky guy with things like that. My preferences are just that. It’s rather have it one way but I’ll live if it’s not perfect. After all, it’s just some fucking water.

Have you ever dyed your hair? Like, when you were in your preteens/teens…
HAHAHA…no. Not even close. My first girlfriend was a punk rock girl with Green hair but I’ve always been conservative with that kinda thing. No dyed hair, no pierces, no tattoos. I leave my body be. I’m never one to be “extra” about anything like that.

Has someone at a show really told you how little they like your blog?!

Not specifically. The closest I’ve gotten was “yeah…i’ve read your blog…it’s…interesting” You can usually tell when someone is not into it. I’d like to think that a person at one of my shows, regardless of how they feel about this blog, would have the decency to let it slide. While this blog is not for everyone, it’s also not serious and should never be taken as such.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 43

Difficult business decision
Hi there and welcome to your favorite/least favorite column, Fuck/MArry/Kill. Yes, the same game your awful frat bro plays. As always, I must remind the overly sensitive readers that this is all for jokes. I don’t wanna kill any of these people. I don’t think they would or should fuck or marry me either. This just a game. The only reason I don’t do men is cause I don’t want to have sex with them equally. I’d probably marry a man though…best roommate ever!
Anyway, if you have any interesting ideas for who i should F/m/K, lemme know. Leave them in the comments below. It can be people, places, things…anything. Get creative. Stay away from the Katy Perry, Madonna, Snookie types. They’ve been done to death.
Okay, let’s pop this off…

F/M/K: The three girls on “Girls” who are not Lena Dunham AKA Allison Williams, Jemima Kirke, Zosia Mamet

Kill: Jemima Kirke
I’d like to acknowledge that I am a man who watches the show “Girls”. There is nothing wrong with this and I would argue it’s only bad in the sense that every character on the show is a terrible person. Outside of that, it’s actually pretty well done. Okay? Good.
So, as i just mentioned, every character on that show is terrible. In the case of Kirke, they make her the one that you’re supposed to maybe like. Kinda. But, to me, she’s the worst of the worst (excluding Dunham’s character). The thing about “Girls” is that i really do know people like every character on this show. In the case of Kirke, this kind of person and I do not mix. The fake free spirit type who are actually just incredibly selfish and judgmental? Fuck all that. Killing that kinda person would be a joy. Now, you may be thinking I’m talking too much about the character but I firmly believe that character was based on the actress in a major way. So, I’m just taking it all out on her. Sorry!

Fuck: Zosia Mamet
Time to get a little shallow here but…she’s got a banging body. That’s pretty much my reasoning here. Of the three, she’s easily my favorite on all counts even though, technically, she’s actually the most busted and annoying one. Well, to each their own. I would like to have sex with her. If for no other reason than to get some of that good old Mamet DNA. Just kidding. I don’t give a fuck about plays.

Marry: Allison Williams
She’s “The pretty one”. And ,yes, she is pretty. She’s also kinda the worst which makes this a tough choice. She’s one of the theater dorks who can sing and dance and LOOOOOVES to show us all that fact as often as possible.. While that kind of person generally makes my skin crawl, she kinda wins by default. As annoying as those people can be, I’ll take them over the british scenester girl. So, really, much like in life, she wins cause she’s pretty. I’m not proud of it and I would be very unhappy in this marriage but, on the bright side, so would she. I’d be a terrible husband.

F/M/K:DJ Premier Beats,Dr. Dre Beats, Madlib Beats

Fuck: DJ Premier beats
I really could gone a number of ways with this. Primo is responsible for many of my favorite beats. He’s a legend without question.So why am I fucking his beats, instead of marrying them? Well, it’s more out of respect for Dre than anything. Primo’s beats would make a fine wife. And imagine our kids?!!? But, at the end of the day, while he’s had more biters than any producer I can think of, he didn’t change the landscape of music like Dre did. He was simply one of the best at his craft and I’d hit that for sure.

Marry: Dr Dre beats
Dre changed the game. Multiple times. His sound is timeless and applies to all walks of life. That versatility and longevity make his beats the ideal wife. Sure, he probably hasn’t touched a sampler in like 20 years. who cares? He made the fucking Chronic! In rap music, legacy goes a long way. He’s earned his stripes ten fold and , in the same way, he’s earned my sweet hand in marriage.

Kill: Madlib beats
I’ve never been a huge Madlib guy. Now, don’t get me wrong, they guy has made tons of great music but I’m a little older than the generation that worships him. I grew up idolizing Dre and Primo. To me, Madlib was closer to a peer who did much much better than I did, if that makes sense. It’s hard to compare someone like that to someone who you deem a legend or someone who you feel helped shape the entire landscape of rap music for generations to come. To be fair, it’s not his fault. His competition was just too fierce here. I woulda killed me in this situation as well. It’s only right.

F/M/K:Lauryn Hill, Erykah Badu ,Santigold

Kill:Lauryn Hill
Man, there was a time when she would get married so quickly. When the Fug-e-la video dropped I was legit in love with her. The looks, the talent…she was amazing. But, time has been rough on Mrs. Hill. She had like 15 kids and wears lipstick like a deranged murderer might. She’s become recluse and diva…at the same time. That’s can’t be a pleasant mix to be around. For as talented as she was and is she’s , apparently, equal parts crazy now. I simply don’t have that thing in me whereI wanna be around crazy people. Sanity is great. Highly underrated, especially when choosing a mate. She’s not even that erotic kinda crazy where you know the sex would be awesome , as long as you got out quick afterwards. No, she even seems like the sex would be fucking weird and possibly dangerous. Lots of “Don’t look at me!” and order barking. Not my speed.

Fuck: Erykah Badu
Two things
1) She secretly has one of the best asses in the business. This is an easy selling point for me.
2) she might be magic.
She’s not only dated but had kids with some of the best rappers of this generation and previous generations. Andre 3000, D.O.C., Jay Electronica and I guess I’ll count Common too. She must have something really special going on there. Rappers don’t just have kids with anyone…hahahahaha…just kidding but, seriously, she has been the muse to some insanely talented people and that alone has be curious of the power she holds within her vagina. I mean, her teeth are yellow as fuck and no one seems to care. It must be glorious. So glorious, in fact, that I’d be lying if I said it didn’t intimidate me a bit. Like, what if , once you sleep with Badu, it ruins other vagina for you? Like how people talk about having sex on ecstasy. It’s possible. It makes a lot of sense!

Marry: Santigold
I honestly don’t know much about Santigold. I know she’s pretty and from brooklyn so there’s that. I don’t really listen to her music but, from what I’ve heard, I always think she’s M.I.A.
Whatever the case, she kinda falls into the marriage category by default. For all I know she’s batshit crazy and I’d be making a terrible life choice but, hey, what’s life if you ain’t living?
This is one of those risk/reward situations. Roll the dice with me, Santigold.

F/M/K: Candy Ravers, Elitist Hipsters ,“I was too drunk/high to even remember who played, dude !”

Kill: Candy Ravers
Simply put, I’m too old for that shit. I’ve seen some super hot ravers over the last 5 years but it’s impossible for me to not look at them as children…cause they are. The clothes are fucking stupid and it’s a scene that, in general, makes no sense to my old ass mind. I do like candy though…

Marry:“I was too drunk/high to even remember who played, dude !”
I think the only reason I’m marrying this one is cause I don’t think this is a “type” of person. This is simply some shit that happens. We’ve all been to shows and gotten shitfaced. I look at this person as normal. Sure, the person can be a liability. i’ve certainly dealt with my share of sloppy disasters at shows, falling all over the merch table and repeating the same sentence to me over and over again (side note: Try your best to NEVER be that person. That person sucks) but, in the morning, they’re sober and most likely a decent human being. It’s only an issue if that lifestyle is an everyday thing. Fortunately , you can only go to so many shows in week. I’d be playing the odds on this one and hoping for the best.

Fuck: Elitist hipster
Well, for one, it would be fun to hate fuck one of these assholes. I’m sure their critique of my sexual prowess would be like a pitchfork review but, thems the breaks. Secondly, say what you will but hipster girls are hot. They dress well and are always on point…cause they have to be. I can’t say I’ve hooked up with many legit hipster types in my life but I’ve definitely wanted to so this would fulfill that desire.
On a side note, The cool thing about elitist hipsters is that they’re generally insecure suburbanites who moves to whatever city they live in now to be the asshole they always wanted to be. They can say whatever they want to me. I’ll be fine. They still will be back at the townie bar come thanksgiving, hating life, and that’s one of the purest equalizers known to man.

Yay or Nay? A$hton Matthews Feat Vince Staples- CHAPO

If you read the music related write ups on Phat Friend, you know I’m a big fan of Vince Staples. The L.A. rapper has put out real quality music over the last few years and shows no signs of letting up anytime soon. So this song is an interesting case. A$hton Matthews is a name I’m not incredibly familiar with. A little research shows he’s actually been around for a while. He’s collabo’d with some pretty popular names (Action bronson, flatbush zombies) and has been making videos as far back as 2012. Listening to him on “CHAPO”, he’s not exactly breaking the mold but there is something cool about it. He feels like a real throwback to a different era of gangster rap that I came up on. While not as cartoonish as the NWA and Geto Boys , there’s a tinge of that energy in Matthews verses on CHAPO. But the question remains, is the song good cause of him or is it cause he got Vince Staples on it? Is it even good at all? I honestly don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you. Personally, I think he does a good job on it but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t waiting for Staples verse the whole time. Though, that’s less his fault than it is me just being a big Staples fan.
So, check it…

What do you think? You can vote for more than one thing, btw.

Answers for Questions vol. 233

Screen shot 2015-04-03 at 10.32.55 AM
Now that is a fucking bunny! I want it to be known that my mom found me that pic specifically for this purpose.
Anyway, hi there. Hope your easter/passover/satanic ritual weekend was lovely. I’m sad to see the cadbury egg time of year pass but all good things end eventually.
This is Answers for Questions. You ask, I answer. This is a place where you can really get strange and have fun. If you’d like to ask me stuff, ANYTHING, go for it. Email me questions to or leave the in the comments below. Get creative.
Let’s check this weeks batch…

I’ve been wanting to create a short movie-reel, showing the movie scenes that served as samples in your songs. You also sample rappers and songs, obviously, but do you have any preference? How do you decide what could serve as a good vocal sample? Are those mainly phrases who just stuck to you and you seek to implement them into one of your songs some time? In short: what is your process?

The process is pretty random, as far as what I chose to sample.
I start making a beat with one sound or sample. Once I have that how I like it, I simply build off it. What follows is totally arbitrary. I pretty much just stack as many samples as I see fit and then step back from it to see what I can do with it. Then i kinda take it apart again and arrange it how i see fit.
As far as vocal samples, I have a collection of songs with vocal samples in them that I keep in an I-tunes playlist. If I think the song requires a vocal sample, I’ll go to that and just start playing around with clips until I find one that makes sense. If it’s a vocal sample from a rap song, I’m generally just going off memory. Like, say a song is about a particular thing, I’ll wrack my brain to think of a rapper talking about that topic. That can be frustrating but it’s worked thus far in my career.

I am sure I won’t be able to identify all your vocal samples, especially since some are distorted in your tracks, but should I hit a wall in the reel-making process: can I turn to you? Or are your samples, like banger-tracks in the early hip-hop-days, a secret you keep?

That I cannot help you with. The sample sources must stay as quiet as I can possibly keep them. People will often figure them out but there is no way I’m gonna assist you. Sorry.

Have you ever wondered how you will die? If you had the ability to choose, how would you want to go out? Also, have you thought about what you’d want your funeral to be like?

I don’t think about dying much. I mean, every time a plane I’m on rattles I have a flash of that being the end but that’s as close as I get. I kinda assume I’ll die an unspectacular death like most people. Old age, disease, a doctors mistake. If I had to choose, I’d probably go out as peacefully as possible. Like maybe sleeping while on heroin. I bet that’s nice. I just want quick and painless with no chance of accidental survival that will leave me worse off than I was before. The thought of trying to die and failing is awful. Especially if you’re left paralyzed or something afterwards. I’m a man of simplicity and short cuts. Whatever is fastest and most effective, let me get that.
As far as my funeral, I really don’t care. David cross used to have a great bit on that. After I’m dead, I don’t care what happens to my body. I’ll be dead. So, i would hope my funeral would reflect that. I hate funerals (but really, who likes them?) so I’d want mine to be as quick and light as possible. Maybe set my casket up so I’m covered but only my hand is sticking out the box so people can run by me and give my one last high five. But they’d have to do it in a speedy and nonchalant way like two teams when a little league game ends. I’d be into that.

What’s currently happening with the hugely underrated DJ Signify ? He hasn’t put anything out for quite a while. I hope he hasn’t stopped beat making.

I actually don’t know. I haven’t spoken to him in a few years. Last I heard he was living in Boston but moving out west. He was working on music at the time but he also was working a job and in school as well. So,yeah, I really can’t tell you. That’s my dude though. I should give him a call.

With you being such a tried and true city person, how many times (approximately) have you set foot in a Walmart? Also, Target and Costco.

I have never been inside a costco. I’ve been in a target maybe twice and walmart maybe 3 times. Every time was while on tour. I bought some terrible sweatpants on Walmart for like 8 bucks. I can see how that kinda place would be addictive.

Do you ever go on dates with fans? Say there was this girl in Vancouver who was a super fan and thinks you’re funny and handsome and would love to take you for coffee before your next show there (or maybe do something after…). Would you say yes if she asked? Is this too creepy? (Also, she’s pretty and smart so you wouldn’t be saying yes to some ug.)

Well, I have a long time girlfriend so that’s a problem off the bat. I’m pretty sure she would not give me the okay on the “date with a stranger in vancouver” plan. Oh well!
But, let’s take this as a hypothetical question, I would be a little unsure about accepting a date from a stranger from the internet in general. Especially if they promised me they were smart and not an “ug”. I’ve watched far too much Catfish to ever trust anyones personal opinion of themselves. That said, it’s not creepy (though, if asked differently, it certainly could have been). It’s flattering. Old men like me need that kind of flattery every now and then.

What kind of music do you tend to listen to at the gym (such a basic question…sorry!)
I actually listen to podcasts mostly. That said, I haven’t worked out at the gym in forever. I just go play basketball.

Yo yo yo. Do you live off your music? Or do you have a part time job other whatever to help stay a float. As a producer how easy is it in your opinion to live off of music?

I do live off music. I have since 2004. I’ve been very fortunate/lucky with many things in order for me to be able to do so.
I will say it is not at all easy to live off music in 2015. You need to tour all the time. That’s how we make money. When i started it, I could sell beats, live off royalties and do random jobs here and there to live comfortably. But , with there being no money in selling music, that’s all been stripped away. You either license music or tour. And it’s hard to tour if no one knows who you are. Hell, it can be tough to tour when you actually have a decent fan base.
When every anyone asks me about doing this professionally, I tell them don’t quit their day job. Not to be a dick but cause, really, the % of people actually able to make this work on a real life scale is miniscule. Always have a back up plan for when the music doesn’t work out. That said, I do not have a back up plan know…say whattup to me in 5 years when I’m making your coffee for you.

Demo reviews vol. 64 (NOW ACCEPTING SUBMISSIONS)!

Whattup everyone…It’s the moment all the self loathers have been waiting for! I’m opening up the flood gates once again for demo submissions. If you have a song you’d like me to review, now is your time to both shine and possibly get shit on as well. However, before you just submit me something. There are rules. PLEASE READ THESE CLOSELY BEFORE SUBMITTING ANYTHING TO ME. They are crucial to your demo even making it to the review process.
1)The header on the email must say “Demo review”
2)If you’ve already submitted, DO NOT submit again. You had your fun now it’s other people’s turn. This includes producers working with new rappers.
3)Send me ONE SONG. Pick your song that is your favorite or the one that best exemplifies your music and shoot it over here. I’m not going to listen to your whole ep.
4)This time around, I’ll only be accepting songs that can be heard via a link. So, no loose mp3′s or myspace pages. I want soundcloud, bandcamp or you can even upload it to an upload site (like, hulkshare ect…) that allows the songs to stream. Basically, the streaming part is crucial. If this is something you cannot do, you probably shouldn’t be sending me music in the first place. I also accept youtube video links but, seriously, how you gonna have that be your only form of streaming music online. Soundcloud is free. just sign up and put a song up there.
5)Demo MUST contain original production. I don’t want mixtapes of you rapping over other peoples tracks. I want actual songs. About once a week, I review something only to find out it’s some rare madlib track the person jacked. If you send me something, I want it to 100% be made by you. Sampling is sampling but taking another person finished rap beat and calling it your own is not okay.
6)budding producers: don’t just send me some random beat you made. I want a finished product. If your shit is called “Untitled beat” I will throw it right in the trash. If you made a beat but it’s just drums and a loop, i don’t want it. i want something you’d consider a song that can stand on it’s own. A rap beat with a subtle change does not a song make.

That’s about it for the rules. But there’s more…You must also accept that I will be reviewing your music honestly. I don’t know you. You aren’t my homeboy. I may write some shit you don’t wanna hear/accept. Just know it’s possible you will not be happy with the review. Butthurt responses will be clowned on properly. Trust me, I’m as familiar with internet criticism as any person who makes music for a living. It sucks but it’s part of the deal. After all, you’re sending me your music so I can review it. what else do you expect? By submitting, you’re pretty much agreeing to possibly being let down.
It should also be noted that , genre wise, I’m a rap guy. I like rap music. This can work both for and against you people sending me rap as I will be highly critical of it but there’s also a chance I might actually like it. If it were up to me, I’d ONLY review rap demos. Where as with other genres (particularly instrumental music and electronic type shit) I don’t really listen to that kinda stuff. Feel free to send it but just know my ceiling of enjoyment for that kind of music is typically pretty low. Ironic, I know…but it’s the reality of things.

Got it? good.
So, send away to my email
I’m gonna keep the submission progress open for about a week so you have ample time to get your shit together.
Good luck and godspeed.

All that said, here’s this weeks batch. It pretty rough at times. I’m not even gonna lie.
Don’t forget to vote for your favorite at the bottom.

Artist: Wally Clark
Song: Hibiscus

This is some pimped out spoken word poetry. Now, I pretty much hate most spoken word. That’s just me though. That said, this doesn’t bother me. It’s pretty entertaining, actually. The beat seems like just a loop but there might be some live instruments. I honestly can’t tell. My money is on a straight loop. If so, pretty lazy guys. But , I can’t front, it’s effective.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:5 out of 10
Listenability:6 out of 10
Originality:5 out of 10

Artist:My name is RS
Song: Boot camp

I don’t know what to say about this other than it’s kind of a mess. The change ups make no sense. It sounds like someone throwing everything at the wall and seeing sticks. Then it flips up into a totally different beat that has nothing to do with any other part. It’s tonally a disaster. Yeah…this has a lot of problems.
Production:3.5 out of 10
Listenability:2 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

ArtistL Rhapsodic
Song: Animals

Sigh…I’ve got slight issues with this tonally but , more than anything, this just seems kind of like some middle of the road sounds slapped together. It definitely improves as it goes on but it’s still pretty amateur sounding. The drums and plug in’s are just not doing it for me. To be fair, this is also a genre (what the hell genre is this?) that I have zero interest in so I’m clearly not the target audience.
Production:4 out of 10
Listenability:4 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Owen Moore
Song: Glass

This one is hard to classify. There’s rap but he’s kinda singing. He sort of sounds like
the Linkin Park guy in the beginning. Later, he raps normal and it improves things. Not great but there’s some potential there.
The beat is pretty shoddy. It’s just not mixed well and the drums sounds are odd. The changes are a little iffy tonally.
I will say that both the rapper and the producer are headed in the right direction though. Perhaps stop trying to do so much and focus more of simplicity. Rapper, just rap. Producer, just make a less intricate beat. Save the more complicated stuff for when you’re technical skill catches up with your ideas.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:5.5 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: The Dads
Song: Lorax

I love the opening loop. It got me excited for the song. Then , the filters come in and kinda killed it. I get the idea but it doesn’t really work cause the bass line is so thin. They would almost be better off just not filtering it.
The rapping is okay. Not bad at all cause both guys can flow and have good voices. Not exactly interesting either but, let’s be honest, comparatively, it’s a breath of fresh air in these demo reviews.
Production:5 out of 10
Vocals:5.5 out of 10
Listenability:5.5 out of 10
Originality:4 out of 10

Artist: Hanabii
Song:Believe in me that believes in me

If I know your sample off the bat, it’s not a good sign. The guitar loop from Eternal sunshine is cool but it’s been done. If I ignore that, this is kinda cool, ethereal and glitchy. I wouldn’t mind more to happen with the drums. The ones in there currently sound like placeholders. Overall, It’s a decent start but it needs more work.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:5 out of 10
Originality:3.5 out of 10

Artist: D.M. Creative productions
Song: Is it raining on you

Was this produced by drunken keyboard cat?
This is a total mess on every level. The beat is REALLY bad. Bad sounds, tonally off, bad drums.
The rapping isn’t much better. If this was a performance art piece I might give it a little room to breath but none of these people should be releasing music into the ether at this point. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t at some point but there are so many kinks to iron out at this point, they need to go back to the lab and serious reevaluate what they’re trying to achieve musically. points for originality though. Can’t say I heard songs like this…ever.
Production:1 out of 10
Vocals:3 out of 10
Listenability:1 out of 10
Originality:5.5 out of 10

Artist: Revue
Song: Fire here

Before i even get into the music, you guys need a new mic and someone who can mix music. This is a shit show , sonically.
Outside of that, there is potential. The beat actual could be okay with some better engineering and if they remove that change that comes in around 1:00. That doesn’t work.
The rapping is decent. She definitely has something to say and I can appreciate that. Skill wise, she’s not quite there yet though. Sounds more like a writer than a rapper. That can improve over time though.
Production:4.5 out of 10
Vocals:4.5 out of 10
Listenability:4.5 out of 10
Originality:4.5 out of 10

What do you think?

Defending my Tweets Vol. 13

Women's Self Defense (3)
Hi there. I like to tweet stuff. Dumb stuff. brain farts, really. sometimes I feel those brain farts need to be aired out beyond the 141 characters. When that happens, I like to whip up this very column. Admittedly, these are controversial tweets. But they could all use some expanding on. So, join me as I defend my tweets. Or, at the very least, explain them with a little more clarity.

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This was pertaining to the recent story about the Frat guys who did a racist chant that was caught on film.
A while back, I was in a short lived comedy rap group called “Party Fun Action Committee”. We made a song called “Beer“, that was a frat rap song of the highest order. Looking back at that song (that we initially made in the late 90’s) I always feel like it’s a little dated. The world has changed so much since then. Frat guys don’t look like the frat guys of my youth. When I was in college, they wore stuffy button up shirts, some dockers and a backwards white hat with a frayed brim. They loved Bob Marley and did keg stands. They were mostly suburban morons who reminded me of dogs with their wide eyed passion for all things stupid. Flash forward and I’ve lost touch of what frat guys are like. Like most aspects of today’s society, style had become blurred. There was a time when you could look at a person’s cloths and immediately tell what kind of music they liked. Something as small as the way you wore the brim of your hat would let me know if they loved Dave Matthews or Tupac. Well, it seems that era is behind us. This could be a testament to me being old but I honestly can’t differentiate between frat guys, hipsters, club kids and hip hop heads. We’re so homogenized that all these stereotypes are simply different shades of the same color. On one hand, I guess it’s nice to not be able to categorize people so easily. It’s harder to stereotype people. But you know what? I think, in some cases, stereotypes are a good thing. Not racial ones but ones related to style and scenes? Why the fuck not? When I went to college, I was a purist rap nerd. I didn’t know anyone. The first day of class, I looked around and saw a kid who looked like he liked the same shit I did. We got to talking and it turned out he was in a similar boat. If he had been dressed like Zac Efron, I wouldn’t have ever have been able to seek him out. He and I became buddies and he eventually was the guy who introduced me to Aesop. See how that works? Not all stereotypes are negative. Sometimes, they just help people weed though the bullshit.
With all that said, watching the U of O racist frat video , I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I was disgusted by the video. But on the other I felt weirdly nostalgic. Like “Oh shit! Frat guys are still the same terrible dickheads they were in my day!” It was a rare moment of “maybe things haven’t changed that much after all!”. It’s unfortunate that the thing that hasn’t changed is entitled rich white asshole racism but on the bright side, it’s interesting to see what stereotypes can hold up. With all the advancements in social issues over the last 20 years, the fact this video is even shocking speaks volumes. If this had come out in 1994, it would have been a short lived story on the local news cause, let’s face it, intolerant frat assholes were par for the course.

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You know, it would probably be pretty easy to figure out who this guy is. Funkmaster Flex? Dj Clue? I’m guessing someone from the earlier years like Doo wop. Surely one of you mix tape historians has an answers. But , in the end, it really doesn’t matter who that person was. This whole phenomenon is bigger than one asshole screaming his name or catch phrase between/during every song. This is a matter of people always feeling the need to be seen and heard. For years, the dj’s job was to sit in the back and play music. Maybe drop a scratch here and there. Public enemy’s Terminator X was famous for “Speaking with his hands”. But this wasn’t good enough. The DJ’s wanted some shine too. Same can be said for producers. Before puffy started talking on records, Dj’s and producers played their role. Sure, some made albums. Marley Marl was one who pushed himself to the forefront. But, even though he put out two albums under his name, you didn’t see him shamelessly self promoting himself on every song. He was more a producer in the Quincy jones sense. A man behind the scenes, pulling the strings, making sure everything is how it needs to be. But the moment Puffy was seen shimmy dancing next to Biggie, the game seemingly changed. The lightbulb went off in the heads of people who were typically in the background that “Wait a minute…I can get shine too?”. That was around the time the hip hop super producer was born. I won’t even front. It was great marketing. Seeing guys like Pharrell, Timbaland and Jazzy Pha in all the videos was kinda revolutionary. Add on them having a vocal track on most of the songs they produced and even a catch phrase (“This is a jazzy-phizzle production!”) and you now had celebrity producer. Where as, a mere 5 years earlier, the only people who knew who produced what were nerds like me who obsessed over liner notes. In an abstract way, you can almost connect this whole thing to the emergence of super celebrity DJ’s and electronic musicians. Sure, these types existed well before Puffy ever said “Take that!” but it definitely opened doors for notoriety on a different level for the people who would typically be viewed studio trolls.

I always liked the anonymity of being a producer. I mean, we all gotta make our careers work and extend this life as long as we can but, I dunno…there’s something nice about being under the radar. Maybe I’m weird like that. I probably am cause, for every producer like me, there are 15 producers who won’t let a rapper use their tracks without them dropping their pre rerecorded stamp on it. So much so, that I feel it’s the norm now for newer producers. If you’re NOT letting the people know who you are by force, you’re doing it wrong. They may be right. But, whatever the case, as a listener, I don’t give a fuck what your name is and I sure as hell don’t need to hear you yelling it over my favorite part of a verse on an otherwise enjoyable mixtape.

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It’s a sad state of affairs when the opinions others have effect your own. Even sadder if you share the same opinion but , upon hearing a certain brand of person explain why, it makes you question your own taste. This happens in film and music all the time. It’s what’s called a backlash. Take an album like “The score” by the Fugees. When this album came out, people in the know were all over it. It was great. Original and critically acclaimed. Then they dropped “Killing me softly” and a whole new fan base was introduced. It became a staple of all college dorm dwelling cornballs who typically didn’t like rap outside of the beastie boys. This new fan base made people who may have initially liked the album have contrarian feelings towards it cause, you know, “I’m not like THOSE guys…”. This was a long time ago and the cycle of a backlash was a lot slower. It was pre-internet so word had to spread organically. Nowadays, the backlash cycle is lightening fast. No matter how much an album or movie is beloved, there is always gonna be a large group of people who decide they are not on board. Perhaps it’s authentic, perhaps it’s reactionary. You never know. The thing is, everyone is gonna be extreme in their opinions. As you get older, you care about these things less and less. The spectrum of enjoyment shrinks. Where you might have only had two emotions towards art in your 20’s (I LOVE IT! or I HATE IT!) , things shift a lot towards the middle. This isn’t to say you don’t enjoy or dislike art on profound levels when you reach a certain age, it’s just the urgency to love and loath lessens. I find myself thinking most movies, music and TV is just “okay”. I don’t freak out over it and I don’t sit around seething at it’s existence. I pretty much take it in as I see fit. I’m able to differentiate between something I think is shitty and something that is simply not for me.
With all that said, I still have those moments of youthful adverse thought where my natural instinct if to reject what I heard coming out of a certain persons mouth, regardless of it I agree with it. Case in point, I was in a diner in Minneapolis when I wrote this tweet. I was eating alone at the bar, about to catch a flight. The only other people in there were the waiter and some other dude at the bar. They started talking about movies. The conversation was all over the place but, from what I heard in all my judgmental glory, both these guys had shitty taste. well, not shitty…but basic. They were basic bitches with cocks. So, the convo swings around to a Wes anderson film and the waiter starts raving about his catalogue of movies. “Man, I love them all! he can do no wrong!”. Now, I’m a fan of Anderson. He’s made some great movies. I do think they’re all kinda the same but they are definitely entertaining, well made and totally original. But there was something about hearing this particular guy break down the nuances of Anderson films, as he sees them, that made me think “Jesus, maybe Wes Anderson sucks…”. Now, I’m not a person who will flip on something like that for no reason but the fact that even popped into my head said a lot. A lot about me. Can’t say I was to thrilled with myself but that’s what happened. I guess old habits die hard.