Answers for Questions vol. 235

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G’day everyone. Welcome to “Answers for questions”. You ask, I do my best to answer. If you’d like to ask me anything…go nuts. Email me questions to: phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. Get creative. The better the question, the better the answer. Let’s gooooooo…

How old were you when you went to your first bar?


Good question.
I remember this very clearly. Back in the early 90’s, the NYC bar scene (at least downtown) was like the wild wild west. No one got carded. No one cared. This was pre-guiliani. So, the first time I went to a bar was new years eve, a couple months after turning 15. To be clear, I had drank a fair amount before that (house parties and 40’s from the bodega) but we never tried actually going to bars until that night. My two friends and I had nothing to do so we figured it would be fun to try out. Here’s the thing, I looked a little older. Mainly cause I was a tall kid. I was already 6 feet tall at this point. My face looked like a baby though. One of my other friends was similar to me. Tall but with a young face.The third friend, however, was the dead giveaway. He was shorter, chubby and had MASSIVE braces. Like you could see them from the moon. He was also the most outgoing of the three of us so it made for a funny situation.
I don’t know how we decided on what bar but we landed at this place called Mars bar. Little did we know, this was an nyc institution. It’s was a punk/biker bar we had walked by a million times. I suppose we chose it cause it looked like a dump and we figured we had a better chance of getting served at a shithole than somewhere kinda nice. We were right.
We go in and it’s full of adults. Obviously…it’s a bar. I can’t begin to fathom what people in there must have thought. We were clearly three children, dressed like 15 year olds in 1991, ordering drinks like “gin gimlet” or “margarita” cause we had no fucking idea what we were doing. There is a certain type of nervousness that went with ordering drinks at a bar as an underage person that is it’s very own thing. It’s as if you’re just waiting for someone to pull back the curtain at all times. I can’t imagine how timidly I must have ordered my drink but I’d be shocked if it wasn’t whispered. My brace faced buddy though? He was in there chatting up the bartender and ordering like it was owed to him.

Another thing I should add is that, we went SUPER early. It was new years eve and we must have gotten in there around 8 pm. Add on that were were novices with the alcohol tolerance of a squirrel and it was a short night. There was a window of fun in there though. My brace faced friend was hitting on every girl in there and that was hilarious. Watching a chubby, brace wearing dork with a fucking Jim Morrison shirt on trying to bag a 27 year old gutter punk girl ,with green hair and cloths pins in her eye brow ,was the best. He was on fire that night…until he wasn’t…around 10 or 10:30 we had had our fill and were way too drunk. We walked outside and my friend with the braces began to vomit violently between two cars. The rest of us weren’t feeling too hot either. We dumped out barfy bud off at his house and my friend crashed at my place. We both also eventually barfed and passed out before midnight. I distinctly recall the sounds of celebration coming from the streets outside my window , as the room was spinning while my eyes were shut.
Lessons were learned. The next day was my first hangover.
Years later I would go back to that bar as a legal drinker and it always bugged me out how small it was. It felt huge that first night. Sadly, it closed a few years back and is now a bank or a duane reade. 😦

It dawned on me while listening to Eric Sermon’s verse on Housing Things that there are quite a bit of classic rappers that were successful despite their speech impediments. Off the top I’d put the RZA at the top of the list.

What are some of your favorite lispy rappers or rap moments?

Well, Kool G rap is probably my all time favorite rapper so that’s one right there. Lil Fame from M.O.P. is another one. Phantasm from the Cella Dwellers.
Sermon and Rza are in there as well.
You don’t really see rappers with speech impediments anymore. It’s kinda similar to how, back in the 70’s a pop singer could be terrible looking as long as the talent was there but , now, that kinda thing is very rare. I highly doubt speech impediments have stopped existing so I gotta think that no one in the current era is giving those guys a chance. It’s too bad too cause , as with all the dudes listed above, it can work nicely. Unless the got a stutter. Sadly, i can’t see rap ever embracing a real deal stutter.

Do you ever sing in the shower? How’s your singing voice in general?

Not with any regularity but I have done it in my life. If I have a certain song trapped in my head and need to exorcise those demons, singing in the shower often helps.
My singing voice is decent. I can hold a tune, harmonize and I’m decent at mimic-ing other people voices. That said, I’ve got one of those voices that is not good or bad enough to work in any real context. Like, even in something like Karaoke. I’m that weird middle ground where I won’t be funny cause I suck and I won’t be impressive cause I can really sing. I’ll just be the guy who can kinda sing okay. I sang a good amount on the Party Fun action committee album and on Aesop’s song “Cook it up“. You find my vocal stylings on those if you really want to feel the full impact.

why do you think Aes is seemingly only getting better (and more popular)? like what quality of him as a person forces his (other than 08-10) consistent and ever-evolving delivery?

i mean his rhymes and beats have both gone from ‘this dude is really good’ to ‘this dude is one of the best’; few people have it in them to actually ‘progress’ as artists to the degree that he has.

HOW DOES HE DO IT!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!

I’d say cause he works really hard and won’t allow himself to be half assed. He is easily the most focused artist I’ve ever seen and his work ethic is epic. I think a lot of artists who have been making music and locked down their fan bases get comfortable. Aes has never been like that. He always wants to improve and even move outside his own comfort zone.
It’s funny to me when I meet fans at shows who say shit like “Man, you guys need to remake float!” cause he’s SOOOOO much better now. I realize people have this emotional connection to his older stuff (and my older stuff, for that matter) but, if you step back he’s so much better now than he was then. It’s not even close.

I turn 26 this year and thus will no longer be under my parent’s health or dental insurance. Gross teeth scare the shit out of me so I’m afraid of not being able to afford to go to the dentist. I’ve graduated college but am still looking for that full time job with benefits I’ve heard rumors about existing. So this begs the questions: How do you rank your teeth? Perfect straight and white? False? Somewhere in between? Do you go to the dentist? How do you do health and dental hygiene things? What is your insurance situation?

My teeth are cool. I never had braces. I didn’t have a cavity until I was in my mid 30’s. I got lucky. Admittedly, I don’t go to the dentist very often. I went maybe 3 years ago. My health insurance doesn’t cover it so I’d probably only go if I felt I had an issue. As far as I can tell, I’m all good right now. I try and take care of my teeth and my history of healthy teeth definitely gives me some comfort.
Outside of that, I do have health insurance that I pay way too much money for. My doctor is kind of a shit head (he gave my antibiotics for something that was clearly an allergy related sickness) but , on the bright side, he’s very available and , anytime I feel sick or hurt myself, I can walk over to the office five blocks away and get checked up on relatively fast. So that’s nice.

Have you checked out: ‘Fuck, That’s Delicious?’. How do you feel about a rapper commentating about food? I love many if these episodes, but I work in the food industry. How does the other-side of the coin feel about these cross-overs? I know you’ve been asked foodie questions before, but I would like your insight.
I have and I love it. Bronson is a hilarious and entertaining dude. I can’t imagine any rap people taking issue with him doing that show. I mean, the dude was a cook. That alone makes it perfectly logical. To me, it’s no different than Anthony Bourdain or Andrew Zimmern. I love those kinda shows so, to me, it was a no brainer. I think they should give more rappers food related shows. Like take some closed minded (food wise) rapper who only eats fast food and make him eat some high end cuisine. That would be awesome.

What’s your favorite time of day?

Depends on the day. I’m somewhat of a night owl but I’m also not someone who does much at night. I basically loaf around. But, to me , my favorite part of a day would be when I play basketball or eat a good meal. in general though, I don’t get too specific with that kinda thing. It should also be noted that my days can easily just kinda blend together. I don’t do much some days so the difference between 11 am and 6 pm in minimal.

Which version of this song is better?

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Listen, I’m not up on new music. I follow some new hip hop but, outside of that, I might as well be 70 years old. I simply don’t pay attention to most other genres. So, the other day, I was hanging with a buddy and he had music playing in the house (shout out to Marley Carroll). A song comes on and my ears perk up. This is literally the only way I discover non-rap music nowadays. I ask some questions and he tells me it’s a remix of another song. He then plays me the original and I’m like “What the fuuuck?!?!” cause the two versions are so completely different. As someone who does remixes, this song didn’t just get remixed. It got turned upside down and flipped into an entirely different genre of music.
At first, I preferred the remix cause, well, it’s simply more up my alley. It’s was like an old soul/motown song. That’s kinda my shit. But, as I listened more to the original, I fell in love with that too.
So, I’m curious to see where you guys stand.
The Song is “Seasons (Waiting for you)” by Future Islands. If you’re aware of new music, you know it well. Everyone I’ve mentioned it to has rolled their eyes to me like “Uh, yeah, loser…that song is old. Where have you been?”.
Here’s the original:


It’s just a really catchy 80’s sounding synth pop joint. The dude has a cool voice and the emotion in the song is palpable. Then you hear this version:

That is the BADBADNOTGOOD reinterpretation. Hearing this for the first time, it blew my mind that the singer wasn’t a 70 year old black dude.
As I always do when I like something new, I fall deeply into an internet wormhole learning about that group or song. What I uncovered was that the lead singer, Samuel T. Herring, was 40, which blew my mind cause I support late in life music success. However, that was debunked. I was off by a decade. Oh well. I also discovered he’s an amazing live performer/a crazy man on stage.

But even more than that, in what is the shock of all shocks, this dude fucking raps. WHAT!?!?! Under the alias Hemlock Ernst



Crazy.

So, what I wanna know is, which version of “Seasons (Waiting for you)” Do you prefer? Poll time!

Preview reviews vol. 10

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It’s time once again for the ultimate time saver. So many movies come out every year. It’s hard to keep up. I love films but who has time to go see a movie every week? Instead, I find it easier to just watch the trailers and reviews those. Why? Cause most movies are so full of shit, do you really need to watch the whole thing to get the picture? The 2.5 minutes of preview is more than enough for me. So, let’s all go to the movie…preview section of youtube.

Straight Outta Compton

Music biopics are tough. ESPECIALLY when most of the people in the movie are both still alive and have their hands in the pot. If I wrack my brain, I can think of some decent Biopics. “Ray”…was okay. “Cadillac Records” was watchable. “Walk the line” wasn’t terrible. But, even those movies were slightly off. There’s something about retelling a story that actually happened that hollywood can never fully embrace with honesty. In the case of this new NWA movie, I’m expecting full blown bullshit to the gills. Will I watch it on cable? Hell fucking yeah I will. It’s a rap biopic. How could I not? But, man, it’s gonna be fucking bad.
The thing about movies like this is that they’re generally made for people who know nothing about the subject. It makes sense that it would be like that to attract a larger audience but, for those people who actually know about NWA, this will no doubt be offensive. Outside of the movie just looking corny and formulaic, I’m basing this on the fact that MC ren doesn’t appear in any of the previews I’ve seen. How the fuck you gonna make a movie about NWA and not mention Ren? I’m guessing he’ll be in this entire movie as a dude in background of every scene with random one off lines like “Yeah!” or “These people don’t even know!”. I get if they buried Yella, but Ren? That’s just disrespectful. In fact, I’d rather watch an MC Ren documentary than this piece of shit movie. Where’s Ren? I wanna know!

Premature

I’m not even gonna front. This probably has some funny moments in it and will make a perfect cable movie. Something I can watch half heartedly while texting and playing candy crush.
The thing I take issue here is where it says “Like a mix between groundhogs day and American pie!”
Hold up there, breh. This isn’t a “mix” of anything. It’s the exact same fucking plot as Groundhogs day , but in high school, so it’s kinda like “American Pie” too. THE SAME FUCKING THING. So, wait, you’re telling me this kid wakes up every day in the same day? And then , as the days pass, he learns the importance of his life or whatever? No shit. Lemme guess, he gets some sort of spiritual redemption at the end? Get all the way the fuck outta here with that shit.
Listen, I know hollywood has run out of ideas and has been remaking 80’s and 90’s movies for a while now. But this one? It’s not even trying to be different. It’s as if, it was conjured in a boardroom meeting but people picking movie names out of a hat.
“Okay, let’s see…I got “scream” and “What about bob?”
“Nah, pick again…”
“Okay, I got “Blade runner” and “Who framed Roger rabbit?”. That could be really good!”
“Eh, doesn’t feel right. Pick again.”
“Umm..,let’s see…”American pie” and “Groundhogs day”?”
“YES! I’ll start writing the script tonight!”

Paul Blart: Mall cop 2

One of the times in my life I was most offended was when someone told me I looked like Kevin James. It stung deep. Granted it was a drunk rapper who said it and I get the feeling he thought all white people look alike but still…I’ll never forget it. But I digress.
For some reason, I have watched Paul Blart Mall cop 1. Well, lemme correct that…I watched about 20 minutes of it and turned it off. That may not sound like anything out of the ordinary but I actually have a high threshold for shitty movies. I’ve watched “Rent” in it’s entirety. I’ve seen “Little man” a few times in passing. But “Paul blart mall cop”? Couldn’t do it…and I was on a fucking plane. Do you know how bad a movie has to be to stop watching it on a plane? That means I’d rather sit in silence, watching the back of seat than even try to entertain myself with a movie. It was that bad. Let’s be honest, Kevin James isn’t very funny. He’s likable. I don’t hate him and I bet he’s a nice guy who, in person, might actually be kinda funny. But as an actor and comedian? Nah, B. He’s got one of those careers that baffles me cause I’ve literally never met a person who champions him. I understand the popularity of the blue collar comedy tour comics more than I do the fact there is a second Paul Blart movie. “Oh, look at the inept dork on a segway fumble his way into crime solving”. Clearly, this is for the kids. I just feel bad for all the parents out there that will have to sit through this horse shit. Shit like that will make you resent your kid and question why you even made him/her in the first place. Thanks Paul Blart!

Hot Pursuit

Every now and then a preview comes along and, right off the bat, you get that feeling of “ohhh…this is a bad idea…”. Unlikely buddy movies often elicit that response cause, let’s face it, it’s well worn territory. Even ones with two actors who I like are kinda suspect. In a way, buddy movies are where funny people end up after they’ve had a little success and wanna cash in. It’s the comedians version of a special effects driven blockbuster. They’re also seemingly a testing ground for Tv actors trying to jump onto the big screen.
In the case of “Hot Pursuit”, we got two ladies I have no problem with. Say what you will about Reese Witherspoon but she’s been good in a bunch of movies and is likable enough. Sofia Vergara…seems like the best person of all time. Is she funny? I dunno. I don’t watch Modern Family. All I know is that she’s insanely hot and old. I also know that she’s famous for literally sleeping her way to the top in the south american soap opera world and I actually respect that…cause it clearly paid off.
But this movie, and movies like it, are so formulaic it’s a wonder they still bother even making it. Still, it feels like one comes out every year and yields the same results. Hi-jinx!
I think what’s most curious about this is who is it’s target audience? Bored Women? Milf lovers? Gay dudes? Latino people? Deaf people? It dips it’s toes in all those pools but, really, i feel like the majority of all those groups can find better movies to fulfill their generalized needs.
This movies is definitely one that I will one day watch on a plane…unless it costs money. i wouldn’t pay to see this bullshit in a million years.

Current events: Let’s talk about these Youtube clips

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It’s been a fun week for ridiculous videos. I figured it might be enjoyable to watch some and take an in depth look at them. Sure, why not?
Let’s start with a clip that was all over my facebook wall: The case of the girl who “didn’t” have sex with all of the Wu-tang clan

Now, watching this clip, I have mixed feelings. For one, I don’t think this girl fucked every member of Wu-tang clan. That would be impossible. You’re telling me Cappadonna and Masta Killa really got in there? No way. I think the ex-boyfriend is being totally presumptive and assuming the worst. I’d even go as far to say as I bet there isn’t a girl on earth who has slept with EVERY Wu-tang member. 3 or 4 of them? Sure. 5 or 6 even. But all of them? Getting them together in a room would be hard enough. Add on they’re all there to have sex with the same woman and you’re looking at odds similar to lightening striking the same person three times.
That said, the girl in this video has a look in her face that I’ve seen before. The look of someone who is totally full of shit but still smugly happy with herself. She found her way onto the Wu-tang Tour bus and hung out until 7 AM. I’ve toured enough to know that, unless you’re old school buddies with artists, pg rated shit does not go down on tour buses or in hotels after 2 am. My guess? She smoked a ton of weed. She drank a ton of booze. She saw at least one penis and sperm was involved. Whether she had vaginal sex or just used other orifices , I can’t tell you. But if you put her on a lie detector test, I’m pretty sure she would know the answer to “What does inspectah decks dick taste like?”. I only say this cause groupies gonna groupie. She can play dumb and say “Oh, I was just hanging out as friends!” but these are rappers we’re talking about. Not spiritual folk musicians who just wanna talk about the cosmos. They’re not trying to build lasting friendships with random midwest groupies. They are there for business. Again, I’ve seen this all first hand over and over again. It’s simply how the game goes. If they legit want nothing sexual from these women they meet after shows, honestly, they’d bounce. They’d go to bed cause sleep is rare on tour and you get it when you can. If they’re loyal husbands, they go to bed even earlier. Wu-tang clan IS something to fuck with, if you’re a drunken blonde girl in ann arbor michigan at 4 am on a tour bus. Not judging her cause, hey, they’re legends. But , even though he took it too far, her ex man definitely has a case.
After all, it was “one of the greatest nights of her life”. I’ve had some great conversations in my time…but I’m pretty sure none of them hold up as the “greatest night” of anything. That time I jerked of Raekwon while the GZA watched and played chess, though? I’ll never forget it.

The second vid to talk about is the new Sir Jarlsberg video.
It’s an ode to NYC public access. I realize this is a reference that will be lost on many of you but, holy shit does he nail it. I grew up watching this kinda stuff and it’s pitch perfect.

It should be noted that this contains clips of some real public access stuff from the 80’s and 90’s. Just to give you a reference point. Also, I make an appearance , so there’s that too.

The third video is of Madonna kissing Drake at Coachella

Now, I’m not trying to write a think piece on this dumb kiss. Inappropriate public kisses BEEN madonnas thing forever. I more wanna talk about drakes reaction AKA did he just drake castor oil out of a homeless mans boot?
Now, he’s gone on record saying something like her lip balm was funky tasting. RIGGGHHHHTTTT. We all know that shit flavored lip balm that famous people use. Seeing that that is clearly not true, I wanna go through 10 possible theories of what happened
1)A moth ball fell out of her mouth into his.
2)He could taste the remnants of Vanilla Ice and Dennis Rodman.
3)The fact she wouldn’t let him touch her hair was a huge turn off to him as,it it known, drake loves nothing more than brushing girls hair.
4)She spat in his mouth.
If I can expand on this one a little…when I was 15 or 16, my first real girlfriend and I were making out. For some reason, she thought it would be funny to spit in my mouth. My reaction was not far off from Drake’s in this clip except I was furious. I dunno, seeing it unfold just bought back those feelings. It’s possible.
5)Drake’s current girl was there so he had to play it off like it was gross.
6)It was, in fact, gross cause madonna is old and disgusting now. His reaction was a natural “ewwwwww…”
7)Her dentures fell into his mouth
8)Drake is grossed out but not having a serious emotional connection withe very girl he ksises. Simply put, he felt vulnerable and that reaction was soul saying “Not cool, bro…she’s somebodies mother!”
9)She burped into his mouth
10)She had kabala breath.
It’s gotta be one or more of those. Hopefully a full investigation will take place so we can get to the bottom of this urgent matter.

Last ,but not least, this video of a russian kid doing a cover of a Linkin park/Jay-z song.

First off, has there been a worse idea ever in music that bringing
jay-Z and Linkin Park together? Probably but this was reallllly fucking bad. But, let’s push that to the side for now and discuss people who record cover song videos for youtube. Specifically, for rap songs.
What is wrong with you? Where did life go wrong for you? Why? How? Who did this to you and where did the bad man touch you?
I get it on some level. It’s like Karaoke , but alone with a go pro. It’s just further proof that we are living in a coddled and delusional time like no other. Everyone thinks they’re special and no one is telling them otherwise. Well, let me be the first to say it then. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. NO ONE CARES. PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING AT YOU, NOT WITH YOU. Feel free to apply those statements to an and all things most people do on earth that involves someone else having to sit and watch them. I’ll include myself and my own career in there as well. I’m okay with that.

Answers for Questions vol. 234

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Hi there everyone! Welcome to another edition of Answers for Questions. I just wanna say thanks to all the people who came out to see me this last weekend in Atl, Louisville and Asheville. NExt weekend is Toronto and Montreal! Check http://blockheadmusic.com/ for more info and for other shows I have coming up.
Anyway, this is that thing where you ask me shit and I answer. If you wanna join the ride, go nuts. Either leave questions in the comment section below or email them to me directly at phatfriendblog@gmail.com . I accept all questions but I really like when they’re creative and/or weird.
Let’s see what we got this week.

Why do you think people* refer to grown women as “girls” but we don’t refer to grown men as “boys?” *Myself included, but I gotta stop because it’s kinda bullshit.

I refer to grown men as boys all the time. As in, “my boys”. I also hear girls refer to grown men as “boys” all the time. I think calling women “girls” has to do with familiarity, age and situation. Like, If I’m at a bar and I see a crew of ladies, I might refer to them like “Hey, look at those girls”. But, If I’m at an old folks home, and see a group of ladies, I’d probably call them women. To me, it’s very age specific. Like if you’re much older than me, you’re a “woman”. But the same applies to males. I can’t think of a time I’ve been like “Look at all those men over there!” I’d sooner call them “”Guys” or “Dudes”.
I dunno…I really don’t think there is much depth behind this kind of thing and getting wrapped up in it is not really worth your time. It’s semantics but, if you want to make it something heavier, I suppose you can. Save the vitriol for when dudes only call women bitches. At least that is outwardly negative.

Have you ever used the following slang once upon a time?

– All that and a bag of chips.
– Just joshin’ you!
– This sucks the bag.

Never ever ever in my life have I said any of those phrases. Not even in jest. They could not be further outside my lexicon. That’s some 1991 Degrassi high shit right there.
“This sucks the bag” is one I’ve never even heard of…and I was happy not knowing that people say that shit. It must b from the same people who bought us “weak sauce” , which is the fucking worst slang ever.

The song Hack that you did with Billy Woods, what’s the story with the audio sample at the end of the song? Sounds like it’s from some fucked up MTA training video. Please explain.

It’s actually from one of those “Taxicab confessions” episodes from HBO. Woods found it. It’s a paramedic describing what happens when someone gets caught between a traincar and the platform. It’s fucking brutal.

Have you seen whiplash yet? If so what are your thoughts?

Have you ever cried during a movie? (unrelated questions of course)

I have and I loved it. I went in thinking it was gonna be some cornball musical type thing but, man, was I wrong. It’s excellent. I’ve actually seen it twice.
As for crying during a movie…not really. I’m a fairly robotic person emotionally so that kinda thing has been scarce in my life in general. That said, I’ve welled up a few times. Both times it happened in an fairly emotional time in my life. Sometime around the time my dad passed away when I was 20.
One time was watching the movie “Ice Storm”. There’s a scene at the end where Kevin Kline has an emotional breakdown in the car in front of his kids and, for some reason , that got me. Like I said, it was very time specific but there is something about watching a grown man lose his shit that effects me.
The other time was super random. I was at home alone watching the movie “Parenthood”, which I had seen probably 25 times and , for some weird reason, I got a little choked up during the scene where all the babies were being born. It was more on some tears of joy shit but I really have no idea what that was about.

Do you care if the water you’re drinking is cold or are you totally fine with room temperature?

As long as it doesn’t taste shitty, I’m cool with it. I’d prefer it to be colder but I’ll take it however. In general, I’m not a picky guy with things like that. My preferences are just that. It’s rather have it one way but I’ll live if it’s not perfect. After all, it’s just some fucking water.

Have you ever dyed your hair? Like, when you were in your preteens/teens…
HAHAHA…no. Not even close. My first girlfriend was a punk rock girl with Green hair but I’ve always been conservative with that kinda thing. No dyed hair, no pierces, no tattoos. I leave my body be. I’m never one to be “extra” about anything like that.

Has someone at a show really told you how little they like your blog?!

Not specifically. The closest I’ve gotten was “yeah…i’ve read your blog…it’s…interesting” You can usually tell when someone is not into it. I’d like to think that a person at one of my shows, regardless of how they feel about this blog, would have the decency to let it slide. While this blog is not for everyone, it’s also not serious and should never be taken as such.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 43

Difficult business decision
Hi there and welcome to your favorite/least favorite column, Fuck/MArry/Kill. Yes, the same game your awful frat bro plays. As always, I must remind the overly sensitive readers that this is all for jokes. I don’t wanna kill any of these people. I don’t think they would or should fuck or marry me either. This just a game. The only reason I don’t do men is cause I don’t want to have sex with them equally. I’d probably marry a man though…best roommate ever!
Anyway, if you have any interesting ideas for who i should F/m/K, lemme know. Leave them in the comments below. It can be people, places, things…anything. Get creative. Stay away from the Katy Perry, Madonna, Snookie types. They’ve been done to death.
Okay, let’s pop this off…

F/M/K: The three girls on “Girls” who are not Lena Dunham AKA Allison Williams, Jemima Kirke, Zosia Mamet

Kill: Jemima Kirke
jemima-kirke
I’d like to acknowledge that I am a man who watches the show “Girls”. There is nothing wrong with this and I would argue it’s only bad in the sense that every character on the show is a terrible person. Outside of that, it’s actually pretty well done. Okay? Good.
So, as i just mentioned, every character on that show is terrible. In the case of Kirke, they make her the one that you’re supposed to maybe like. Kinda. But, to me, she’s the worst of the worst (excluding Dunham’s character). The thing about “Girls” is that i really do know people like every character on this show. In the case of Kirke, this kind of person and I do not mix. The fake free spirit type who are actually just incredibly selfish and judgmental? Fuck all that. Killing that kinda person would be a joy. Now, you may be thinking I’m talking too much about the character but I firmly believe that character was based on the actress in a major way. So, I’m just taking it all out on her. Sorry!

Fuck: Zosia Mamet
Zosia-Mamet
Time to get a little shallow here but…she’s got a banging body. That’s pretty much my reasoning here. Of the three, she’s easily my favorite on all counts even though, technically, she’s actually the most busted and annoying one. Well, to each their own. I would like to have sex with her. If for no other reason than to get some of that good old Mamet DNA. Just kidding. I don’t give a fuck about plays.

Marry: Allison Williams
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She’s “The pretty one”. And ,yes, she is pretty. She’s also kinda the worst which makes this a tough choice. She’s one of the theater dorks who can sing and dance and LOOOOOVES to show us all that fact as often as possible.. While that kind of person generally makes my skin crawl, she kinda wins by default. As annoying as those people can be, I’ll take them over the british scenester girl. So, really, much like in life, she wins cause she’s pretty. I’m not proud of it and I would be very unhappy in this marriage but, on the bright side, so would she. I’d be a terrible husband.

F/M/K:DJ Premier Beats,Dr. Dre Beats, Madlib Beats

Fuck: DJ Premier beats
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I really could gone a number of ways with this. Primo is responsible for many of my favorite beats. He’s a legend without question.So why am I fucking his beats, instead of marrying them? Well, it’s more out of respect for Dre than anything. Primo’s beats would make a fine wife. And imagine our kids?!!? But, at the end of the day, while he’s had more biters than any producer I can think of, he didn’t change the landscape of music like Dre did. He was simply one of the best at his craft and I’d hit that for sure.

Marry: Dr Dre beats
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Dre changed the game. Multiple times. His sound is timeless and applies to all walks of life. That versatility and longevity make his beats the ideal wife. Sure, he probably hasn’t touched a sampler in like 20 years. who cares? He made the fucking Chronic! In rap music, legacy goes a long way. He’s earned his stripes ten fold and , in the same way, he’s earned my sweet hand in marriage.

Kill: Madlib beats
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I’ve never been a huge Madlib guy. Now, don’t get me wrong, they guy has made tons of great music but I’m a little older than the generation that worships him. I grew up idolizing Dre and Primo. To me, Madlib was closer to a peer who did much much better than I did, if that makes sense. It’s hard to compare someone like that to someone who you deem a legend or someone who you feel helped shape the entire landscape of rap music for generations to come. To be fair, it’s not his fault. His competition was just too fierce here. I woulda killed me in this situation as well. It’s only right.

F/M/K:Lauryn Hill, Erykah Badu ,Santigold

Kill:Lauryn Hill
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Man, there was a time when she would get married so quickly. When the Fug-e-la video dropped I was legit in love with her. The looks, the talent…she was amazing. But, time has been rough on Mrs. Hill. She had like 15 kids and wears lipstick like a deranged murderer might. She’s become recluse and diva…at the same time. That’s can’t be a pleasant mix to be around. For as talented as she was and is she’s , apparently, equal parts crazy now. I simply don’t have that thing in me whereI wanna be around crazy people. Sanity is great. Highly underrated, especially when choosing a mate. She’s not even that erotic kinda crazy where you know the sex would be awesome , as long as you got out quick afterwards. No, she even seems like the sex would be fucking weird and possibly dangerous. Lots of “Don’t look at me!” and order barking. Not my speed.

Fuck: Erykah Badu
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Two things
1) She secretly has one of the best asses in the business. This is an easy selling point for me.
2) she might be magic.
She’s not only dated but had kids with some of the best rappers of this generation and previous generations. Andre 3000, D.O.C., Jay Electronica and I guess I’ll count Common too. She must have something really special going on there. Rappers don’t just have kids with anyone…hahahahaha…just kidding but, seriously, she has been the muse to some insanely talented people and that alone has be curious of the power she holds within her vagina. I mean, her teeth are yellow as fuck and no one seems to care. It must be glorious. So glorious, in fact, that I’d be lying if I said it didn’t intimidate me a bit. Like, what if , once you sleep with Badu, it ruins other vagina for you? Like how people talk about having sex on ecstasy. It’s possible. It makes a lot of sense!

Marry: Santigold
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I honestly don’t know much about Santigold. I know she’s pretty and from brooklyn so there’s that. I don’t really listen to her music but, from what I’ve heard, I always think she’s M.I.A.
Whatever the case, she kinda falls into the marriage category by default. For all I know she’s batshit crazy and I’d be making a terrible life choice but, hey, what’s life if you ain’t living?
This is one of those risk/reward situations. Roll the dice with me, Santigold.

F/M/K: Candy Ravers, Elitist Hipsters ,“I was too drunk/high to even remember who played, dude !”

Kill: Candy Ravers
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Simply put, I’m too old for that shit. I’ve seen some super hot ravers over the last 5 years but it’s impossible for me to not look at them as children…cause they are. The clothes are fucking stupid and it’s a scene that, in general, makes no sense to my old ass mind. I do like candy though…

Marry:“I was too drunk/high to even remember who played, dude !”
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I think the only reason I’m marrying this one is cause I don’t think this is a “type” of person. This is simply some shit that happens. We’ve all been to shows and gotten shitfaced. I look at this person as normal. Sure, the person can be a liability. i’ve certainly dealt with my share of sloppy disasters at shows, falling all over the merch table and repeating the same sentence to me over and over again (side note: Try your best to NEVER be that person. That person sucks) but, in the morning, they’re sober and most likely a decent human being. It’s only an issue if that lifestyle is an everyday thing. Fortunately , you can only go to so many shows in week. I’d be playing the odds on this one and hoping for the best.

Fuck: Elitist hipster
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Well, for one, it would be fun to hate fuck one of these assholes. I’m sure their critique of my sexual prowess would be like a pitchfork review but, thems the breaks. Secondly, say what you will but hipster girls are hot. They dress well and are always on point…cause they have to be. I can’t say I’ve hooked up with many legit hipster types in my life but I’ve definitely wanted to so this would fulfill that desire.
On a side note, The cool thing about elitist hipsters is that they’re generally insecure suburbanites who moves to whatever city they live in now to be the asshole they always wanted to be. They can say whatever they want to me. I’ll be fine. They still will be back at the townie bar come thanksgiving, hating life, and that’s one of the purest equalizers known to man.

Yay or Nay? A$hton Matthews Feat Vince Staples- CHAPO

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If you read the music related write ups on Phat Friend, you know I’m a big fan of Vince Staples. The L.A. rapper has put out real quality music over the last few years and shows no signs of letting up anytime soon. So this song is an interesting case. A$hton Matthews is a name I’m not incredibly familiar with. A little research shows he’s actually been around for a while. He’s collabo’d with some pretty popular names (Action bronson, flatbush zombies) and has been making videos as far back as 2012. Listening to him on “CHAPO”, he’s not exactly breaking the mold but there is something cool about it. He feels like a real throwback to a different era of gangster rap that I came up on. While not as cartoonish as the NWA and Geto Boys , there’s a tinge of that energy in Matthews verses on CHAPO. But the question remains, is the song good cause of him or is it cause he got Vince Staples on it? Is it even good at all? I honestly don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you. Personally, I think he does a good job on it but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t waiting for Staples verse the whole time. Though, that’s less his fault than it is me just being a big Staples fan.
So, check it…

What do you think? You can vote for more than one thing, btw.