Oh really, Uberfacts? Vol. 4

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Uberfacts is a twitter profile that vomits up “facts” all day. sometimes enlightening, sometimes moronic, there is no filter on what they post. So, every now and then I like to shine a spotlight on some of my favorite ones and discuss them. For better or for worse. So, what’s up #uberfacts? Learn me!

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First off, what? In classic Uberfacts fashion they pull a “fact” out that could not possibly be proven. What did they do? Go to fucking Ireland and notice everyone was have sex? So, while I deem this study to be total bullshit I see what they’re doing here. Yes, it’s all part of the ginger propaganda machine. For years, gingers have been the focus of ridicule and scoffed at as sexual beings but , now, it is there time to take back the night (cause they shouldn’t be in the sun during the day, obviously).
I don’t know if you’ve noticed but there has been a shift in opinion worldwide about redheads. Now, to be fair, there have always been attractive redheads. Jessica rabbit, Molly Ringwald, that guy from that thing. It’s crazy to say there hasn’t been. But in the last few years I’ve noticed gingers not only gain more acceptance but actually become hot commodities. From Ron Howard to his hot daughter. That’s the transition.
These trends of physical traits have been going on for a while. Remember when girls having really short hair got very popular? Or how bout when being an extremely skinny man was the way to be? What about the whole “beard” thing that’s going on? Or how popular fat asses are? It’s as if the world decides “this is what’s gonna be big right now…”. Well, the ginger illuminate got their wish cause I’ll be damned if I haven’t heard an abundance of men and women comment on how hot gingers are lately.
It’s funny cause just a few years ago, they were looked as mostly hyper pale, dead behind the eyes freckle monsters, devoid of souls (Anyone who saw the South park episode knows what I’m talking about) but now? That alabaster skin spackled with dashes of melanin is what’s popping. Who knew?
Anyway, I’m sure it sounds like I’m bashing them but I’m really not. Hot people are hot. Redhead or whatever. I’ll just start to worry when girls start wanting to fuck Alfred E. Neuman looking ass dudes simply cause their hair is red. That will be worse that the chinless beard dudes getting primo vagina cause they were smart enough to cover up their awful faces with hair.

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I’m not posting this to deny it. In fact, I don’t doubt that’s actually pretty tame for what Japan offers, in terms of bizarre candy. I really just wanna discuss how weird some japanese shit is to us americans and wonder “Do they feel the same way about us?”.
Like, when japanese people come to the states and see sour cream and onion chips, are they like “WTF??!?!!?”. When they watch our gameshows, do they scratch their head at how simple and boring they are? When they see our porn, are they like “First off, eww…you can see the penetration but secondly, where are all the squids? What is this amateur hour shit!?”
It’s amazing how far two cultures can be from each other yet still garner obsession from both sides. For instance, it doesn’t shock me to me that japanese people see hip hop and turn it into this crazy things where they grow dreads and dye their skin. That’s teenaged rebellion I think everyone can relate to. Sure, they go that extra mile but it makes sense. Same way some americans will get deep into Anime and basically become japanese teenagers.
As much crazy shit goes on in japan (I mean, they have used panties vending machines there, for christ sake), the culture of junk food has always fascinated me. Every culture has their own thing. But, in most cases, it translates in some way. I mean, shit, we’re dealing with sugar here. how weird can it get? Apparently, very weird. Soy sauce and chocolate. It just doesn’t make sense. so part of me believes that no one actually eats and enjoys these treats. They exist simply to exist. It’s not that different from artisanal ice cream makers who try and pull off flavors that have no business existing. “Hey penelope, you really must try this blue cheese , waffles and vegemite ice cream I made!” It’s like japanese but a million times more pretentious.
i guess what I’m trying to say here is that all cultures have their weird ideas. We’re all the same, guys! just kidding. We are nothing alike. But, that’s okay.

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Say word?
I’ve seen many caterpillars in my life and I have yet to see one shoot it’s shit in the air. Are these caterpillars like the “squirters” of the caterpillar community? There has to be slow motion super close up footage of this somewhere. National geographic should be all over it. Please, dear reader, find me a clip and post it in the comments. I need to witness this. Otherwise, it just sounds like something a guy at uberfacts made up. If that is the case, I’m not even mad at it. Making up facts for random creatures is kinda genius. Like, did you know that when an Ocelot is frightened it gives it’s predator a case of pink eye using only mind power? It’s crazy, right. #uberfact.
Did you know that when a female flamingo is aroused, it’s labia lips rub together like cricket legs but somehow create a sound that sounds strikingly familiar to the Miami Vice theme song? It’s true. #Uberfacts
It’s a little know fact that, when they are born, turtles have the innate sense of understanding human sign language but, as they age, they forget it. #uberfacts
Emotionally, there is not an otter alive who isn’t at least slighty bi-polar. #uberfacts

I could do this for days. In fact, it makes me want to create a fake uberfacts account just to do it. But, alas, I’m lazy and who cares? instead, I’mma go into a youtube wormhole and not leave until I see caterpillar shit shooting through the sky like the worlds grossest fireworks.

Answers for Questions Vol. 245

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Hi there and welcome to a new edition of “Answers for Questions”! You sent me your questions and I did the natural response to that. If you’d like to ask me anything, email me questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com OR simply leave them in the comment section below. Be creative. Be weird. Just don’t be basic. I’ve been doing these Q and A’s for years now so I’ve got the simple shit covered.
Anyway, let’s see what we got this week…

If you could produce one of those Viagra commercials with all rappers, who would you choose?

Would they rap in it or act in the commercial? Either way, if it’s viagra, we’re talking old rappers. I think what I might do is get all the pioneer dudes. Like the Pre-Run DMC era guys. Having Grandmaster Kaz and cold crush rap about their broken dicks would be pretty amazing.

Do you ever meet people at your shows that are clearly on drugs? If so, is it interesting to talk to them or does it get annoying?
ummm…yeah dude. every show I’ve ever done. Molly heads, acid, coke, weed, Special K, and whatever else you can think of.
Honestly, the drunk people are the worst to deal with of all cause they’re aggressive and stupid. But talking to anyone who’s totally fucked up on something while you are not fucked up is generally tolerable for a minute but then extremely annoying. It loses it’s amusement quick when you realize this person isn’t going to leave you alone and they’re not making any sense.
Can’t say I’ve ever spoken to a person who was high as fuck at one of my shows and left the convo enlightened. That simply never happens. High people are only interesting if you’re high too.

If you could choose between having the Eraserhead baby as a child or Roseanne Barr as your girlfriend who you must have sex with at least once a day for the rest of her life, which would you do?

I’mma go with the Eraserhead baby. That would be rough but at least, life would go on. Having to be married to and have sex with Roseannne would not work for me on any level and it’s a lifetime contract? Fuuuuuuuuckkkk that. An eraserhead baby can still live a happy and productive life.

Do questions regarding existence ever trouble you? Why are we here? Can we ever know the true nature of anything? Does anything have meaning? Why do anything at all? Should we ignore these questions because it’s unsettling to think about them or should we all pause, whatever it is we’re doing, and figure this out before moving forward?

I don’t bother myself with questions like that cause there will never be definitive answer. I could sit around all day and ponder but, when that day would be over, I’d be exactly where I started. It just seems pointless.
Does anything have meaning? Sure. Every persons life has meaning…to them. But on a larger scale, I don’t doubt that anything we do really matters. This planet could be a dry and lifeless husk in the next 500 years for all we know. I’d rather just live my life then waste time trying to solve a riddle with no answer.

What according to you is the role of an artist? Also, does an artist need to define themselves by a certain set of values and principles, or should they simply be themselves and not worry about how they are perceived?

The only role an artist has is to create their art. Everything else secondary.
As for how they define themselves, that’s up to them. Some artist relish in being able to title what they do. Others don’t even think about and think labels are pointless. I lean towards the latter.
Personally, I think artists should just do what they do and not worry about things outside of their process. While this isn’t the healthiest way to make a career/money , it’s best for the art itself.

Have you ever had public sex?
I’ve hooked up in cars before. Gotten head in a bathroom. But, like out in the open sex?
Only time I ever did that was one a beach when I was pretty young. It’s wasn’t so much romantic as it was the only place two teenagers could go to be able to have sex. It was….sandy.

Would you rather kiss a dog or a cat on the mouth? (sorry)

First off, fuck you.
Secondly, a dog. I only say this cause I’m much less allergic to dogs than I am cats. That said, I’m not putting my mouth anywhere near a dogs mouth. I’m not that guy. That’s some truly white dude shit that I don’t subscribe to. Like people who kiss their parents dead on the mouth when they greet them. What the fuck is wrong with you?

So through instagram I found a picture you liked of a posse cut (Meditation) by somebody named Jak Progresso. I looked him up and bought his album Random Violence within ten minutes of listening to it. Later I realized you had produced the beat for the song, which I guess is how you know him. Can you shed any more light on this guy? How did you meet him? He seems like the most underground rapper ever and freestyles while he is peaking on acid. And he raps about killing women in almost every song. Never heard anyone like him before.
I met Jak a long time ago through Lodeck. He was in the Johnny 23 Crew. I used to go to the bronx and record songs with some of those guys in early 2000’s. I don’t think I ever worked on a solo song with Jak but he was definitely on a few tracks I made. He’s crazy. I mean, his rapping. First time I heard him I didn’t really know what to think. He rapped in a very underground way but , topically, he was on some Necro shit…but different. He rapped from the perspective of a literal serial killer. While Necro was more of a pimp/drug dealer , Jak was a dude talking about hiding in someones crawl space for a week and then murdering them. He did it in a really interesting and funny way though. The only album of his I ever got into heavily was Random Violence but it’s got some amazing songs on it.
I haven’t seen him in forever but I think he does some battles now. Not sure if he’s still on the same tip, but he’s a super creative and weird guy so I could see that actually really working on the battle circuit.
Here are few moments of his I always fucked with pretty heavy



Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 45

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Well, here we are once again. Alone, at last. Time for another edition of “Fuck/marry/kill”. It is exactly what you think it is. That game frat dudes play. Yup. Just a little more in depth. As always, I feel obligated to say this is just for shits and giggles so please don’t take it seriously. The only reason I don’t do male options is cause I want to not fuck them all equally.
Anyway, if you have some funny ideas for F/M/K options, leave them in the comment section. Get creative cause I’ve been doing this column for years.
Okay…let’s see what we got this week.

FMK- Full House edition: Olsen Twins, Jodie Sweetin, Candace Cameron

Fuck: Candace Cameron
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This is really one of the hardest choices I’ve ever had to hypothetically make. Really, there’s an argument to be made for fucking, marrying or killing all three of these choices. On one hand, as lame as it would be, a threesome with the olsen twins would be something I could write a best selling book about. Jodie Sweetin was/is a drug addled mess but, that could bode well for the sex. Candace Cameron is the most attractive of the bunch but also on some christian shit so…you know…that could be an issue.
But, when it comes down to it, i think my attraction to Candace Cameron and acceptance that it would be some bible thumping sex out weighs my desire to kiss a girl with meth mouth or see either of the Olsen twins naked. I realize this is a cop out but I’m a simple man and bad sex is more appealing to me than the other choices.

Marry: The Olsen twins
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For one thing, there’s two of them. Sure they look like Michael jackson at this point and I’m not on some polygamy shit but that would immediately keep things interesting. Variety and stuff. Secondly, they are the richest people on earth. yes, it’s shallow. I know this…but I don’t wanna marry any of these assholes (I’m sure the feeling is mutual) so marrying two rich girls is the most appealing option. This could easily backfire and leave me in house (actually a mansion,though) with two people I loath , who loath me back cause I’m stinking up one of their million dollar couches all day watching netflix in my underwear. But, you know what, that can happen in any marriage. The only difference is the price of the couch.

Kill: Jodie Sweetin
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The thing about Jodie is that you don’t know what you’re getting. She could be a fun druggie or she could be the type who stabs you in your sleep. I really don’t know. That risk is enough to make me opt out of putting a ring on her finger. I don’t enjoy “crazy” as a rule. So, you know, maybe I’d be doing her a favor. He life seems like a huge bummer anyway. It would kinda be a mercy killing.

F/M/K Cargo pants, church slacks, super long jean shorts

Kill: Super long jean shorts (JORTS)
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You know, if you asked me this question 20 years ago, Jorts woulda been my wife. But, sadly, those days have passed and Kevin Smith is the only dude still rocking these things. As corny as the other options are, there is no way to pull off jorts in 2015. It’s like a blaring siren screaming “DO NOT FUCK ME OR RESPECT ME”. These things need to be put to rest in real life and in the made up world where I have to choice to fuck/marry/kill things/people.

Marry: Cargo Pants
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As bad as cargo pants are, they’re at least comfortable. Also, styles exist that aren’t the absolute worst. Army Navy stores have kinds that don’t make me wince. Also, they’re the uniform of dads who have thrown the towel in. What better pants to marry? They’re like a step down from sweat pants but you can actually wear them to a restaurant and not feel like a hillbilly. Granted, putting them on basically deems you a eunuch but I’m married to them so who cares?

Fuck: Church pants
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I can’t lie…this is kinda by default but, at the same time, some baggy ass , steve harvey looking church pants would be hilarious to wear once. Like, imagine rocking them with no shame to a place where hipsters are? It would blow their fucking minds. I wouldn’t be shocked that, one day, church pants are the ironic hipsters go-to outfit. What’s more far from the norm than a bearded white asshole with tatts wearing “who framed roger rabbit?” pants and a band t-shirt at the same time? Mark my words…this will one day be a thing.

F/M/K (Orange is the new black Edition) Kimiko Glenn, Diane Guerrero, Ruby Rose

Marry: Ruby Rose
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Here’s the thing. She is beautiful. Like scary hot. Also, she’s a lesbian. So, here we come to a crossroad. Not to go off course here but I’m not a huge fan of marriage in general. Not that I think it people shouldn’t do it I just don’t know how I feel about it personally. So, when playing F/M/K and given the option of marrying a lesbian, I’m kinda into it. Why? Cause it turns into me just living with a roommate and living my life however I see fit. That’s kinda cool to me. Not to mention, I get along great with most lesbians I’ve met and partying with Ruby Rose would be fun. No jealousy. No “Where were you last night?!?”. Simply “G’day mate!” then carry on my day. The bonus of getting to look at her all day doesn’t hurt either.

Fuck: Diane Guerrero
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This is just playing into my wheelhouse right here. Hot , short latina girl? Forget about it. The only reason I don’t marry her is cause of the golden “Always marry the lesbian” rule I’ve instituted for “Fuck/marry/Kill”. But, I’m a big fan of this one and would probably be angling for more than one Eff sesh…I’m assuming my wife, Ruby Rose, would be cool with that…cause she’s the best. I LOVE MY WIFE!

Kill: Kimiko Glenn

21st Annual SAG Awards at the Shrine Auditorium - Arrivals Featuring: Kimiko Glenn Where: Los Angeles, California, United States When: 25 Jan 2015 Credit: Brian To/WENN.com

21st Annual SAG Awards at the Shrine Auditorium – Arrivals
Featuring: Kimiko Glenn
Where: Los Angeles, California, United States
When: 25 Jan 2015
Credit: Brian To/WENN.com


I got nothing against her. On the show, she’s kinda plain and annoying. Then, one episode, they showed her tits and I was like “oh daamnnnnnn”. Still, she’s not a really exciting choice. She’s certainly a pretty girl and , like i mentioned, the tits are well documented. I mean, in real life, she’s the type of girl who would probably roll her eyes at me for asking her if she’s in line for the bathroom and possibly vomit at the idea of making out with me but this isn’t real life soooooooo…
Swing swing swing, and chop chop chop.

F/M/K:Duane Reade, 7-11, Starbucks

Kill: 7-11
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This is new york-centric but fuck a 7-11. We don’t need them here and they’re basically just bringing the burbs to the city. I don’t take stands on much. I simply don’t care that deeply about most things but I boycott 7-11’s in NYC like they were hanging confederate flags in the window. Thing is, they’re unnecessary here. We have 24 hour bodegas and korean markets on every other corner. It’s one of the things that makes this city what it is. If you’re a person who was psyched to see a 7-11 open up in NYC, recognize you should probably move cause you’re making the city into the cornball factory it has become.

Fuck: Starbucks
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I don’t drink coffee so Starbucks doesn’t do much for me. That said, I have been known to stuff my face with sweets and I can’t front on da ‘bucks. When I’m in an airport at 8 am and craving an iced lemon pound cake (which is always), I know where to go. When I’m walking home from dinner and desire a cake pop, Starbucks is there in a pinch. I mean, granted, I could go my entire life without ever stepping foot in one and nothing would change but it is nice to know the option exists. So, lemme put my dick in that

Marry: Duane Reade
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Of these three places, I’m up in Duane Reade the most. it’s a drug store, it’s a supermarket, it’s where I can buy bulk cadbury eggs around easter. What’s not to like? Also, it’s an NYC institution. So, by marrying it, I’d feel like I was joining with something special. Only downside of Duane Reade is that the people who work there tend to be slightly less polite than people who work at the DMV but, whatever…it would just add spice to your union.

New Vince Staples album Streaming…and it’s pretty fucking good.

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Vince Staples is a lot of peoples favorite rapper right now and that makes all the sense in the world. The L.A. born and bred Odd Future affiliate has been on a tear the last few years. Putting out quality mix tapes and an EP.
His new album “Summertime 06” is dropping soon and the good people at NPR (where hip hop lives) are streaming the album in it’s entirety. I’m not gonna lie and say I’ve been listening to it all day (it’s streaming, therefor kinda annoying to listen to casually) but I went through it and it’s sounding really great. Can’t wait to get my hands on a real copy.
Anyway, peep it…good rap music does still exist, you pricks.
http://www.npr.org/2015/06/21/414701194/first-listen-vince-staples-summertime-06

Answers for Questions vol. 244

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Whattup y’all. Welcome to this weeks edition of Answers for Questions. You asked so I answered. I’m good like that. If you’d like to ask me anything, this is your chance. Get silly with it. Either email me the questions at phatfriendblog@gmail.com
or leave them in the comment section of this very post! Have fun with it and don’t be boring!
This weeks collection is a nice variety of subject. Dig in and enjoy!

As an older hip-hop enthusiast i find it harder to find more music i’m into since most of the sites i went to for new music are shutting down. I was wondering if you could steer me towards some blogs or sites that cater to more indie hip-hop, not like hiphopdx or anything. I usually come across things on my own but would never of found Spark master tape if it wasn’t for your blog. So I was wondering what your go to sites are, or if you had any interest in doing something to point out more artists your blog besides yay or nay?
Honestly, it’s not easy. I find out about new artists a few ways.
The most common one is word of mouth. Someone I know and trust will email me something and I’ll check it out. The second way is through this site philaflava.com. They have a message board I’ve been frequenting for a while and some of the people there are fairly on point so they have put me on to all sorts of stuff. In general, they’re usually a few months ahead of the curve. Like they put me on to Earl Sweatshirt about 4 months before Odd Future became something most people were even talking about. The third way is through social media. My facebook and twitter. It’s rare but , every now and then, someone will post some shit I was unaware of and that will point me in a good direction.
But, in general, i don’t really frequent any blogs for new music cause, honestly, it’s too much to keep up with.
I’ll tell you the way it’s never worked: Someone spamming me with their music. Twitter, facebook, email. If i don’t know you and you send me stuff, I will never ever ever ever listen to it. I don’t think I’m alone in that so, that’s just a heads up to all budding artists who use that method. Please stop. It’s annoying as fuck.

Which black and yellow shirt have you been seeing more of in public: Wu-Tang or Batman?
Wu-tang by far. I wrote a who post about it a while back:
https://phatfriend.com/2015/02/05/wu-tang-shirts-aint-nothing-to-fuck-with/
On a side note, if I can date myself a little, I clearly remember when the very first batman movie came out. It was the biggest deal ever. EVERYONE wore those fucking Batman shirts. It felt like 2 out of every 5 males between the ages of 8 and 17 was rocking a batman shirt. To this day, I’ve never seen anything so popular. But, then the backlash came and that shirt become to sign of an out of touch loser or a comic book nerd. Funny how that works.

Where do you stand on LeBron? He’s obviously created a dynasty but there are tons of people that cast stones. What’s your take?

Lebron is one of the greatest ever. Anyone who denies that is hating for the sake of hating. I don’t love him as a person (based on how he portrayed in the media) but , whatever…i don’t like Kobe either but you can’t deny the dudes talent.
Lebron is also a dude who done the most with the least, teammate wise. He’s made it to the final 3 times with absolute shit shows of teams. The fact he got two games off golden state this year is nuts.
I’m curious how his game will age as he’s based so much on his physical gifts and not his shooting touch but he’s clearly a hall of famer and one of the best to ever do it.

Obviously “high fashion” is some shit that it’s way beyond you. But, if you could dictate a ludicrous fashion trend what would it be?
(I attached this hilarious article about NBA fashion cuz it’s fucking funny)
https://medium.com/@susannaht/the-history-of-nba-fashion-fur-and-flair-mj-s-suit-crimes-and-the-couture-conscious-hipster-age-90d9d6c53df1

I’ve said it before but I’m fully ready for 8 ball jackets to come back. Not in the hipster ironic way they’ve been threatening to come back. I’m talking like it’s actually cool and fashionable with no pretension to rock an 8-ball jacket. That would be my shit. I wouldn’t even wear one cause I’m not that fashionable.
If we’re talking about something I’d have to invent? I think I’ve mentioned this before but a shirt made entirely of sponge would be my move. the perfect summertime outfit.

Have you considered buying a big mean pit bull and training it to piss on dudes rocking open toed shoes?

While that would be fun, I have not. As much as i frown upon people wearing open toed shoes in urban areas, I don’t actively wanna make their lives terrible. I don’t REALLY care. Besides, if you’re walking around NYC with open toed shoes all day, dog piss is probably the cleanest thing touching your feet on a regular basis.
Also, why a pitbull? Do other dogs not piss?

What classic 90’s catch phrase are you eager to bring back?
I still say “dope” sooooo….that one?
I’ve always been a fan of calling people “herbs”. That one just feels right.

If you were a competitive eater what food would you dread eating the most?
I’m assuming you’re referring to foods that competitive eaters actually eat. it’s not like people competitively eat bull dicks and liverwurst. So…let’s see…hot dogs, chicken wings and pie seem to be the main things people eat. I love wings. I’m cool with hot dogs. Pie…not a fan. I don’t like warm fruit and, in general, fruit filling isn’t that great to me. So, pie eating would pose the biggest issue. Also, the way they eat those pies in the contests is pretty terrible. Face down in a pie, hands behind the back. Fuck all that noise.

If you could produce a “super group” of your favorite obscure rappers who would you want on your team?
I mean, most of them I already know. Billy woods, open mike eagle, Marq Spekt Homeboy sandman. Those types. but, if i had to go outside of my circle…
I’d pick Vince Staples, Michael christmas, KA,Tree, Jay Electronica, Your old droog and Shirt. Now, keep in mind, that group wouldn’t work stylistically at all but those are some of my favorite rappers nowadays.

Do you really think Good Charlotte is a great band?
Lord no. Why would you ever think I thought that. Oh wait…I know.

Yay or Nay: Golden Rules Feat. Yesiin Bey

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So, A month back I threw up a new song by Golden Rules and and asked you what you thought of Michael Biddines. A florida rapper who linked up with a producer from the UK (Paul White) to form “Golden rules”. I was impressed with Biddines off the bat but linking with Paul white seems like the perfect match.
A new song linked and , this time around, it features Yesiin Bey AKA Mos Def. Kinda caught me out there cause I had no idea dude had that kinda pull to get Bey on a track. Good for him.I should probably also point out that I have a strange relationship with Mos Def’s music. He’s a rapper I’ve always thought was extremely talented but, when it came to his recorded works, it never did much for me. I’d like to think it had more to with his production choices and borderline corniness but, at the same time, he’s undeniably good at both singing and rapping. So, while I never really seek out his shit, I won’t turn it off when it’s on cause you never know…you might get one of those songs where he absolutely blacks out and goes off. He’s certainly capable of that. i realize my take on Mos def isn’t exactly a popular opinion but, hey, that’s what it is. Sue me.
Anyway, this new song dropped with both these artists and, guess what? I like it a lot. Both rappers are great on it and the beat is pretty damn good as well.

So, what do you think? (you can pick more than one option)

Defending my Tweets Vol. 14

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G’day yall. Welcome to “Defending my tweets”. I tweet stuff and , sometimes, 141 characters isn’t enough. I feel the need to expand on these mini-thoughts. So, allow me to explain my dumb tweets in long form. If nothing else, for the clarity. It also allows me to get a nice rant off and that’s always fun.

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We all have those things that we see (or hear) people do that just set off small red flags within. These are harmless things that really don’t mean anything in the bigger picture but, for some reason, they make us question the character of a person on some level. Whether or not they’re an accurate judge remains to be seen. After all, if I meet an adult male who is obsessed the TV show “Big bang Theory”, it’s gonna be tough for me to not take him less seriously as a human being. He may be a great guy. He may the type of person who would give a kidney to a stranger. Who knows? But that one thing would be enough for me to know that, deep down, we could never be THAT tight. Friendly acquaintances? Without question. Now, this is admittedly short sighted and not fair. I know this. But, you know what, there are millions of people in the world and we don’t have time to meet every fucking one of them and give them a fair shake. Sometimes, we gotta do quick edits. Honestly , in my entire life, I can’t say I’ve been wrong about a flash judgement ore than a handful of times. And I accept that people do the same to me. It’s just a logical way to save time.

In the case of airplane clappers and people who eat pizza with a fork and knife, we have two groups of people completely unrelated. The people who clap when a plane lands, to me, are just novices. Sure, if you’re on a flight in terrible weather and the plane comes down smooth, I get it. But fucking 45 commuter flights? Do you also high five your barista for putting the right amount of milk in your coffee? Landing planes is the pilots job. If he fails at that job, we all die…so I see why one would be happy when he succeeds but…you know, it’s still something he/she does like 30 times a week. So, you do that,I’m judging. I’m assuming this is the first time you’ve been on a plane. It probably isn’t and that’s unfortunate.

Now, if you eat pizza with a fork and knife, my judgey assumptions point me towards you were raised way too fancy or you have germ issues. Same goes for people who eat wings with a fork and knife. That’s just fucking insane. It’s hand food. use your goddamn hands.I see that fork and knife come out and I wanna say “hey dude, this isn’t the country club. Put that neckerchief to work and get some grease on your fingers”.

In both cases, these people aren’t bad folks. Of course not. But ,to me, they are worthy of a brief and stern judgement. Cause, this is America and that’s what we do.

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Nostalgia is funny. It rearranges reality. As people, we are obsessed with our youth and the things we coveted during that time. It’s the reason I love the movie “Police academy 3: Citizens on patrol” but if I showed it to the average 18 year old he’s be like “What is this corny bullshit?”. There comes a time when, we as adults , must come to terms with separating what is actually quality from what is simply a poorly aged relic of an era we grew up in.
This is never more relevant when discussing rap music from the early 90’s. This is the music I cherished and grew up on. During that era, i would buy a new album every week and 8 out of 10 times, i’d love it. You could say this was a result of the quality of that era but, really, it’s not all true. Bad rap music has existed since the beginning. We were just to green to realize it. Like, Kid N’ play…they were never dope. Ever. But when viewed through the rosy glasses of nostalgia, one could perhaps convince themselves otherwise.
Then there is the stuff that was actually quality but didn’t age well. In rap, I find this is often because of stylistic choices. in the early 90’s, people were going out of their way to find a style no one had ever done before. The resulted in all sorts of funny gimmicks. From Das Efx iggity biggity style, to Akinyele lowering his voice at the end of every line to Kwame wearing Polka dots. It was people trying to be new and there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, 2015 could use more of that mindset. However, the problem with always trying to elevate is that when it misses, it really ages poorly. I can’t listen to a Fu Shnickens song now. I can’t. And I LOVED their first album when it dropped. It just doesn’t work in 2015. But, there are people out there who probably still listen to it like it’s the last of the good shit that was ever made. That kinda makes me sad but, at the same time, we’re gonna like what we like. If you’re musical ear stopped expanding in 1991, then that’s that. Same goes for people who still only bump the Doors and similar groups from that era, lamenting about the good old days and how these new guys have no soul. It’s beyond rap. It’s all art. My point is that liking what you like and loving what you loved is perfectly fine and natural. That said, it’s okay to acknowledge that the stuff we loved in our formative years is just that and nothing else. Aging is supposed to give perspective. And the ability to step back and look at the past rationally is part of that.

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This Rachel Dolezal story is my favorite news item in recent memory. It’s so fucking ridiculous I can’t even really gather my thoughts enough to express how it makes me feels. I love it. I love that this delusional liar of a white woman thinks that it’s okay to call herself a black woman. I love that #transracial is something people are really trying to make happen. Part of me can’t tell if the whole “transracial” thing is someone trying to poke holes in the purity of the “transgender” cause by pointing out “hey, if it works with gender, then it should apply to race!”. I almost feel as if , after she was exposed, she just made it up to see if it might stick. After all, in the hyper sensitive world of 2015 where everyone is a victim, if you cry about something enough, SOMEONE is gonna hear your moans. Seeing as no one is allowed to say anything about anyone, it makes all the sense in the world that someone would try and pull “transracial” off. Thankfully, it doesn’t seem to be flying. Which is good cause it’s total bullshit.
When I was in high school, every white kid I knew was “transracial”. in those days, it was called being a “Wigger”. I know that term rubs people the wrong way but that’s what it was known as back then, in the less sensitive early 90’s. Well off rich white kids wore their pants below their butts, spoke an affected tongue that was learned from watching “Yo!TV raps” and they all did graffiti. The girls wore door knocker earrings, pulled their hair back as tight as possible, wore dark red lipstick and dated latin kings. Sephardic jews and Italians would often be confused with puerto ricans , much to their own delight as that lent them endless street cred. Simply being not white was a social bonus within this small community so anyone who could pull off “off white” ran with it. I realize, the rest of the country was not like this. Being a minority down right sucked for most americans back then. Hell, it sounds pretty shitty right now. But, in NYC high schools in the 90’s? It was the shit. At least in Manhattan.
Most of these privileged white kids grew out of that phase once they graduated high school and realized being that person doesn’t exactly work in the real world. The guys grew their hair out , bought button ups, went to a good college and got jobs working for their parents. The girls let their hair down, started wearing clothes made for women and eventually dated some preppie guy who wears boat shoes 8 months a year. It was just a phase. But Rachel Dolezal? Nope. She stuck with it. Possibly more than any other person before her. She took it to the limit. She dyed her hair and made it look ethnic. She tanned her pasty white skin. She went to Howard university. She most likely hasn’t seen a white penis since high school. All this is fine except she literally told people she was black. Oops! And that’s when it goes too far. We all know white girls who wear head wraps, light incense 24 hours a day and have a few spoken word poems in the chamber. They’re embracing a culture they revere and that’s fine. But the second you tell people you’re not who you are? You’re a liar. A big white liar.
This story is unraveling more and more every day and it just keeps getting better. I look forward to all of this further exploding in Dolezal’s face as she tries to talk her way out of being full shit by using the political correctness machine to save her lying ass. Luckily for us, as open minded as we are as a country, this subject is simply never gonna fly. At least I assume it won’t. God, I hope it never does.